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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Son moving to his dads

38 replies

Feelinghelpless2 · 06/04/2015 15:41

My DS who is 22, I know not a teenager but this was the nearest board to my situation I could find, is moving to his Dads today. Even though he's 22 I still feel like a failure. :-((

OP posts:
madmother1 · 06/04/2015 15:45

Ah bless you. He's 22 and yes an adult. Wave him off with a tear in your eye and pour yourself a glass of wine. Invite him for dinner now and then to keep the lines of communication open. Start keeping yourself busy and going out a bit more. Our children all have to fly the nest at some point. Flowers

Original poster
Feelinghelpless2 · 06/04/2015 15:48

Thanks for your kind words. I guess I'd find it easier if he was going to a place of his iwn but as its his Dad's, I'm finding it a bitter pill to swallow. Like suddenly his Dads the best thing since sliced bread! He has a step mum there too - what if she takes my place? Sad

OP posts:
Gymbob · 06/04/2015 19:39

don't be daft, she can't take your place. it might well be different if he were 2, but he's 22, a grown man.

you are very emotional right now and not thinking straight, you have done a fine job raising him.

don't overdo the booze when you're feeling like this, it will make you feel worse.

are you and his dad on good terms?

Original poster
Feelinghelpless2 · 06/04/2015 19:51

We say hello and that's all. I also wish I did have a better relationship with him as no one loves my son the same other than him and would be so good to talk to him at the moment - sounds pathetic but I guess if my husband was being more supporting I wouldn't feel that way.

OP posts:
Gymbob · 06/04/2015 20:06

I can understand that, but due to him moving in with his dad are you able to ask his dad for a little feedback? he must know what a wrench it is for you.

what about your dad's wife, is she approachable?

Gymbob · 06/04/2015 20:07

sorry, your sons dad

Original poster
Feelinghelpless2 · 06/04/2015 20:09

I could probably text him. Think I'll leave it until tomorrow after a good nights sleep. His wife seems nice but haven't had much dealings with her, would rather ask his Dad. His dad is a softer touch and won't install any house rules like we did, that's why he's gone there. We only had a few but my son couldn't live by them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelinghelpless2 · 06/04/2015 21:08

I've come to bed and just sobbing. Feel like I've let my son down :-(((

OP posts:
Gymbob · 07/04/2015 15:54

really sorry just seen your post Blush how are you feeling today?

Original poster
Feelinghelpless2 · 07/04/2015 19:05

Sounds a little drastic, but feel like I'm mourning. I miss my son so much, want my lithe boy back - he's 22 so how pathetic does it sound?! :-((

OP posts:
Gymbob · 07/04/2015 19:35

well you are mourning really I think. I think its a grieving process that you just have to go through though to be able to move on.

have you some friends and family you can be with?

Original poster
Feelinghelpless2 · 07/04/2015 20:02

Yeah I have a husband who's just glad he's gone! Not told my family yet as I'm a little embarrassed as he's gone to his Dad's, so feel like a failure, and can't be doing with all the Q's :-(

OP posts:
Gymbob · 07/04/2015 20:28

so you feel even more alone then. I can understand that. but you are no way a failure. he's a grown man and can do as he pleases. your family will see that for what it is surely - a grown man doing as he pleases Thanks

DollyTwat · 07/04/2015 20:35

Feeling my 13 yr old wanted to try living with his dad last year. For me it was awful, felt like I'd been betrayed having done everything and paid for everything for 12 years

So I got some counselling, which helped enormously in helping me to see that it wasn't about me. It was about him not being willing to live by my rules and thinking his Disney dad would be a better option

It lasted a few months. He's back her now. As soon as my ex had to do any actual parenting it fell apart

I know my son was a lot younger, but I tried to enjoy the hassle free time and not feel guilty about it. Don't get me wrong it hurt like hell but I had to just let it play out

Original poster
Feelinghelpless2 · 07/04/2015 21:07

Thanks Gym & Dolly. I've spent 22 years putting him first and now he's gone. As I type 22 I realise how stupid it sounds, I mean he's a proper adult. I feel a little betrayed that he's gone to his Dads - if it was a place of his own I'd of felt differently I think. I long to have my little boy back - it really hurts and keep welling up. Feel really low as my DH doesn't understands so no one to talk to apart from all the lovely ppl on here

OP posts:
DollyTwat · 07/04/2015 21:31

I get it completely
You'd have felt similarly even if he'd been going to his own place, it's just the betrayal (that you feel) about going to his dad's

Let this go. It's about him - not you
He'll appreciate you so much more, may take a month or two, but he will

You may be able to have a new better, adult relationship with him too

Original poster
Feelinghelpless2 · 07/04/2015 21:40

Thanks Dolly, I hope your right. My DS said as he left that the relationship will be better now, I don't understand how he can go from being a pain in the ass who wouldn't abide by a few house rules to such a mature young man.

OP posts:
DollyTwat · 07/04/2015 21:46

It might just be the thing he needs you know
I doubt he'll have no house rules at his dad's, and he won't get away with half as much
Watch and support him, but you might be doing the best and hardest thing you've had to do yet as a mum
I had to let my ds see for himself that it wasn't better at his dads, it took a bit longer than I thought, but ex went from Disney dad to control freak within a few months

Your ds may get his own place after this. But it will be his choice and he is probably more than ready at his age

Original poster
Feelinghelpless2 · 07/04/2015 21:53

Yeah I hope so. I want him to be independent and I'm surprised that he hasn't done that yet. He's never spent more than 2 nights with his dad in 22 years, so i'll be surprised if it's the dream he thinks it's going to be. His Dad is much more laid back than I am however and I have thought that I've maybe driven my DS away with being so fussy about house things. I'm analysing everything! Thank you dolly for your thoughts though, it's really helped Flowers

OP posts:
DollyTwat · 07/04/2015 22:36

Easy to be laid back if you're not doing the parenting!

ImperialBlether · 07/04/2015 22:41

OP, did you post about your son before? You said he wouldn't do anything around the house and your husband was fed up of his entitled manner. Do you really think that after a few weeks he'll be behaving differently with your ex husband and his wife? Really? He's leaving your house because you "make him do things" - does he think he's moving to a hotel?

The trick will be not to let him move back into yours, but to get him to move from his dad's to a flat when the time is right. You've said he's got over £1000 per month after paying rent, so he can well afford to get a flat.

Now enjoy the peace and quiet!

Original poster
Feelinghelpless2 · 08/04/2015 06:31

Hi imperial, yes that's me. I think his Dad & wife won't be so strict on the rule keeping, I think he'll 'get away' with more, but I couldn't live like that & neither coukd my DH. I guess time will tell. I do hope he'll get a flat or a house share of his own, I think it's what he needs.
I have to say the peace & quiet is nice - I'll emjoy it more once I'm feeling more settled with the situation, as much as he was a pain I'm feeling a bit sad about the whole situation but it's getting better every day Smile. Thank you for posting Flowers

OP posts:
hesterton · 08/04/2015 06:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Feelinghelpless2 · 08/04/2015 06:44

Thanks Hesterton, I'm clinging to that hope that's it's the best for everyone! Not sure his Dad or his wife will think that in a few weeks Grin.

OP posts:
hesterton · 08/04/2015 07:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.