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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

To thinks DDs friends are frankly spiteful nasty ergghhhhhh

34 replies

Redwineplease42 · 01/04/2015 17:33

So it was DD's birthday last week I had planned a day out at cinema , Dinner then a sleepover. She had 14 friends coming for the sleepover and a few in day. Anyhow one by one they dropped out and it transpires DD's "best friend" had planned something on DD's birthday so that DD ended up with no one. This "Best friend" is queen bee and DD and her have a very volatile friendship all in love then over nothing she turns has a dramatic few weeks then its all lovey dovey again.
DD won't even say anything and is quite intimidated by this friend when things aren't going well.
They are planning all sorts of fun easter day trips and not inviting DD and boasting about it all over social media.
What can I do?! DD is not very assertive with in her friendships, there was no fall out nothing just a switch but this time friend decided to turn others. I am just hoping this bitchy age won't last much longer or D can remove herself from this group with out becoming their target for low level bullying. Can't bare to think she'll spend easter worrying in her bedroom watching them all having fun together.

OP posts:
FromMeToYou · 01/04/2015 18:25

Oh god that's awful. Yes you are right, they are spiteful. I would concentrate on getting her some interests (and therefore friends) outside school. What about scouts/guides? Get the right group and they can be very sociable and time consuming. What about a sport aimed at increasing her general confidence? Like a martial arts type thing?

Original poster
Redwineplease42 · 01/04/2015 18:35

I'm trying been trying for a few months. She used to do loads but once puberty kicked in she seemed to lose interest in most things!
I will persevere she will go swimming and horse-riding occasionally but doesn't seem to want to commit to anything on a weekly basis.
I'm livid she is hurt but in quite a calm way I think she knows they aren't good friends but is worried about what might happen if she doesn't welcome them back with open arms (which she always does.Even apologises for nothing as she "doesn't want a drama.") I can't allow them back in my house again when this is over I don't want to clap eyes on them. Well maybe a few its only her "best friend" that causes grief the others follow like sheep.
Teenage friendships are so intense it all started so well but almost becomes a very unhealthy relationship. When things are forgotten DDs "best friend" can be lovely but then these few monthly dramas outweigh the good bits.

OP posts:
Howcanitbe · 01/04/2015 18:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Redwineplease42 · 01/04/2015 18:53

She is indeed year 9 ;-) . Year 8 had minor issues but nothing like this , this year aaarrrgghhhhhh taken all my willpower not to get involved DD won't allow it but think I'll have to if this continues.
Think its difficult as this group are the "popular" girls (god knows why!!!!!). DD was so pleased to be their friend I had a bad feeling after meeting them and seeing their social media! Tried to explain to DD just because someones "popular" doesn't make them necessarily the nicest people. I'm really hoping this is the worst year for it and by next year things will settle down.
I wish DD would leave SM but she won't feel a bit mean forcing it but it causes so much misery.
No teen cousins i'm afraid I'm hoping she makes an effort to contact others not in the group and forges some other friendships !

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Eigg · 01/04/2015 18:57

Do you know Queen Bees Mum?

Can you mention it, casually? Just in a 'what a shame Jemimas even clashed with DD's birthday she had been looking forward to them all coming?'

If this was my daughter, I'd want to know.

Original poster
Redwineplease42 · 01/04/2015 19:05

I do know her but not very well shes not a friendly mum. We have just exchanged the odd text "Jemima tells me she is at yours tonight" Kind of thing we aren't chatty so might be awkward. I wanted to but DD won't let me as it will "make it worse" .
I discussed with school who acted as if this kind of thing happened daily eye rolled and "teenage girls can be awful".
I wish DD would tell them where to go .

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Eigg · 01/04/2015 19:12

it's very hard red Flowers for you and your DD

mummytime · 01/04/2015 19:36

You could try reading "Odd Girl Out" its American but has some useful advice at the end. Basically you need to listen to your DD, ask her what she wants to do, and reassure her that she isn't alone - maybe tell her about when friends were mean to you.

Friends outside school can be a life saver.

Mintyy · 01/04/2015 19:55

Yanbu to think they are being totally and utterly awful towards your dd. At some point (mean spirited) I hope they all suffer the same fate.

I love girls, I love women, I genuinely think they are the superior sex (sorry men) but scenarios like this give me the rage.

I know they are only young and not fully formed, but I feel so disappointed by this slavish following of the crowd in young women.

Ime it is a sign of immense immaturity to be a bully. Apart from all the other obvious stuff.

Original poster
Redwineplease42 · 01/04/2015 20:10

I agree i'm quietly hoping karma kicks their spiteful asses !
I expected bitching with hormones but didn't realise how much its awful. I support DD always listen (try not to judge) but if she forgives them instantly which i fear/know she will I will be pretty frustrated . This is more an abusive relationship than friend.
She often messages DD as if there is no issue all friendly then blanks her the next day so hot and cold.

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Eggrique · 01/04/2015 20:18

this group are the "popular" girls (god knows why!!!!!). DD was so pleased to be their friend I had a bad feeling after meeting them and seeing their social media! Tried to explain to DD just because someones "popular" doesn't make them necessarily the nicest people.

For 'popular' girls substitute 'mean' girls Sad

I've only skim read sorry, but would say that 14 is a large number for a sleepover, a very large number.

Looking back if I could advise re girl groups and social media you need to encourage your daughter to dip in and out and not be keen to form allegiances, especially a BF who's proved she's anything but.

DD needs to become one of the really cool kids who flits in and out of groups and doesn't seem unduly affected. It's not easy to accomplish but it does take the wind out of the sails of the ones who want to belittle her.

BitOutOfPractice · 01/04/2015 20:21

Oh OP can I give you a very unMNy squeeze. We are going through the same here. My DD2 doesn't want to go to school because of these spiteful girls Sad

I don't know what to suggest because I'm at a loss here too but here's some Thanks for you and your DD

MrsFlannel · 01/04/2015 20:22

There must be at least one girl in that group who is nice...genuinely nice and who might also be the butt of their mean ways. If DD isn't with them believe me they will have another victim earmarked for this awful behaviour.

COuld DD call her in few days?

redcaryellowcar · 01/04/2015 21:18

I used to teach secondary, year 9 is hard, girls are full of hormones and the boys are still boys, the transformation of the most chaotic year groups over the summer holiday between year 9 and 10 was unbelievable, suddenly they seemed like young adults!
In the interim, I completely agree with pp try to encourage making of other friends, activities etc, I was in a similar situation when at secondary school, I spent ages trying to be friends with people who were unpleasant to me (bit of an understatement) when I got into year 10, groups had a good mix up due to GCSE choices, I met a whole different group and although we are no longer very close I'm still in touch with those new year 10 friends. I can completely understand her not wanting to rock the boat, and think that by helping increase her confidence she will worry less about these girls and will make better friends in the future, slowly and gently her eyes will be opened! You sound like a lovely mum, and I can totally understand your frustration, I hope it's all a bit easier soon.

Original poster
Redwineplease42 · 01/04/2015 21:26

Thank you everyone Flowers
There are some nice girls in the group they are just not "strong" personalities to want to clash when its not their turn. It is DD at the moment but has in the past been others but when its DD's turn it seems worse as queen bee is closest to DD quite jealous/possesive and these issues seem to occur when DD does something with another girl . The others are able to as they aren't queens chosen one!
I really hope Easter doesn't bring loads of drama I'm hoping the time will allow DD to think and (hopefully) realise these girls are not good friends .
I feel for others its painful as a parent watching your DC's so happy and not being able to stop it.
Not long till that summer holidays lets hope by year 10 they are over the drama and stick to low level drama !

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MymumisaG · 01/04/2015 21:39

Queen Bee sounds very spiteful! Dd is 16, year 11, and while things have got better with the girls friendships since year 9 there is still an undercurrent of nasty two faced, back stabbing behaviour just below the surface. Dd also hangs around with the 'popular' (mean bitchy) girls. The Queen Bee in her group has been a problem since infant school. She's mean to everyone, but seems to have a particular problem with dd and every so often things flare up. On a couple of occasions DD has really stood up to her and this has improved things considerably as Queen Bee is not used to being crossed! There are two or three girls who are genuinely nice and dd can rely on and she also has a boyfriend (who comes with a whole other set of problems, but that's a different story!) who she's met a whole other set of friends through.

SallyMcgally · 01/04/2015 22:06

Aren't they absolutely vile. Your poor DD. Another one sending empathetic hug. We took DS out of school in Jan because f bullying - he's year 9 too. I find them unbelievably spiteful. I don't remember anyone at school in our day being nearly as bad. Xxx

MyballsareSandy · 02/04/2015 12:07

Sound horrible for your poor DD.

I have two girls in year 9 and I agree it's a tricky year for friendships. So hot and cold, best of friends one minute, just love each other soooo much .... then nothing, almost being blanked. I don't understand it.

Endler32 · 02/04/2015 12:16

Girls can be so nasty Sad, I am dreading this with my dd when she starts school in September, I am hoping because she isn't very sociable ( she has Aspergers and is very selective with friends ) that we won't get too much of this.

I think all you can do is talk to your dd and explain that this girl is not a good friend. I know when I was that age I could not have coped with such a big group of girls, most friendship group s consisted of 4-6 girls and that was tricky enough ( always bitching and people falling out ). I think sometimes it's best to have a couple of very good friends rather than a big group of girls with mixed personalities, you are always going to get the 'bossy leader' and the 'followers', if your the shy type then you are going to get used Sad.

I hope things get easier for your dd as she gets older.

blimppy · 02/04/2015 13:49

I'm another one with DD2 going through much the same sort of thing. Two or three girls in the group seem determined to isolate her, and none of the others are willing to stick up for her. She's in Year 8, and I feel so sorry for her. She used to be full of confidence, but it is almost visibly draining away. Again, her problems are in the so-called "popular" group. I am trying to encourage her to concentrate on other friends. She does have a couple of really good friends outside school, which is a lifesaver, and does a variety of activities including scouts and judo. Big hugs to all who are watching their DDs go through this!

MrsFlannel · 02/04/2015 14:44

i'd love to know what the parents of the Queen Bees worry about in relation to their DDs!

Original poster
Redwineplease42 · 02/04/2015 17:58

Being a teenager is harsh far from being "Best years of your life". Sorry youv'e all had a rubbish time to but at least it common although it shouldn't be its awful

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Koalafications · 02/04/2015 18:14

I went an all girls school and it was like this. Makes me laugh when people say school is the best years of your life. Like fuck they were. Girls can be vicious and there was a real 'pack mentality'.

Sorry your DD is going through this, I know how she feels and it can be very isolating.

NoseyParka · 02/04/2015 20:17

Op take consolation in the fact that your dd will look back in ten years and laugh at all the drama (that is assuming it doesn't turn into full on bullying). I went to an all girls school and was variously cool, lame, bullied and a bully. Horrible time but most come through it unscathed. I'm quite normal now (!) but can still remember walking into class some mornings, getting a dirty look from whoever was my friend the day before and my stomach churning. Listen to your dd, advise and try not to show your frustration when she becomes friends with the queen bee again. There are lots of life lessons to be learned for her at this stage and it will stand her in good stead in later life. (and yes my children are very small and i am dreading them being teenagers for this very reason)

Original poster
Redwineplease42 · 03/04/2015 23:13

DD has been with a group of girls today/tonight so i'm relieved she's not in her room alone hoping this continues through Easter and keeps her away from queen bee .

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