To thinks DDs friends are frankly spiteful nasty ergghhhhhh

[Redwineplease42]

So it was DD's birthday last week I had planned a day out at cinema , Dinner then a sleepover. She had 14 friends coming for the sleepover and a few in day. Anyhow one by one they dropped out and it transpires DD's "best friend" had planned something on DD's birthday so that DD ended up with no one. This "Best friend" is queen bee and DD and her have a very volatile friendship all in love then over nothing she turns has a dramatic few weeks then its all lovey dovey again.
DD won't even say anything and is quite intimidated by this friend when things aren't going well.
They are planning all sorts of fun easter day trips and not inviting DD and boasting about it all over social media.
What can I do?! DD is not very assertive with in her friendships, there was no fall out nothing just a switch but this time friend decided to turn others. I am just hoping this bitchy age won't last much longer or D can remove herself from this group with out becoming their target for low level bullying. Can't bare to think she'll spend easter worrying in her bedroom watching them all having fun together.

That's good, OP. Are these a different group of girls?

That's awful OP but not surprising I'm afraid. DD is Y9 and is sometimes in a similar situation but not as bad - she has other groups of friends that she does stuff with. I actively encouraged new friendships and it's worked. TBH, DD herself realised that she doesn't have a great deal in common with them and she doesn't like their spitefulness towards other people as well.

As others have said, encourage the out of school activities and making of other friendships. We also do fun stuff as a family which is always important and DD enjoys. Also agree that SM is difficult as it gives the impression that everybody else is having a whale of a time which also leads me to ask - are all teenage girls so image obsessed and filling their IM feeds with pointless selfies???

Glad your daughter is spending some time with other people, Y9 is a strange year but I suspect it will get better next year with options and the mixed up classes.

Hugs

Thank you. These girls go to another school seem like nice girls DDs known them a while but they drifted apart. I hope she meets up with some other school friends so first day back isn't a horrifying thought !
SM is awful for self concious teenagers they just want to be the girl with 100s of likes/comments on the endless selfies who have so far proved to be bloody high maintenance as friends!

Having friends outside school is very important at these ages. My DD has survived through her teens with her Choir and Horse riding friends.

The book I recommended earlier "Odd Girl Out" has a lot to say about social media etc. in the most recent edition.

Read "Queen bees and wannabes" - by an American school psychologist. It explains the girl group and the role assigned to each member. It's very illuminating esp. around this age.

Red it enrages me to hear of children going through this sort of stuff, your poor DD, I only hope it will make her stronger in the long run (you might be knackered mind you...) Oh and never a truer word was spoken when you said Tried to explain to DD just because someones "popular" doesn't make them necessarily the nicest people, look at Hitler, I always think, he was 'popular' The so called BF sounds a bit of a psycho to me, friends don't treat each other like this.

I've not read in detail due to time but does DD have some nice interests where she might find like minded friends?

Blimppy, this sounds horrible, have you been able to get any help from school?

I thinks social media makes all this shit worse, they have so much more opportunity to be spiteful etc, what a shame.

Shadypines - thanks. To be honest, the school have been pretty useless. They will move seating arrangements in classes if asked, but seem unable to offer any additional support. DD2 has been in tears again tonight, unable to understand why she ends up acting all quiet and unconfident in school when she is happy and confident in other environments. It seems one girl in particular keeps whispering about her, and all DD2 sees is the others laughing. I'm encouraging her to build other friendships and trying to decide whether it is worth going into the school to talk to the form tutor and head of year. I'd like some help to understand why she's facing this!

Blimpy - Secondary school teacher here- go into school and make them listen, put a plan of action into place. All schools have zero tolerance policies, they must take seriously and take action. Hope all sorts out soon for everyone

This is just so cruel and unkind. What is it with these girls?

How many girls are there in the class? Is there a group or club at school that your DD would be interested in joining so she makes friends with other year groups too? I would second having activities (and friends) outside school.

Would your DD be confident in confronting this girl? i.e. saying if you have something to say have the guts to say it to my face and facing her out? The other option would be to ignore, ignore and give no reaction.