Gay teenage Son asking if he can have a sleepover with his friend.........

[lehcar75]

My son has never ever had any of his friends stay the night on a sleepover, even when he was small, unlike his his younger brother. He has now asked if he can have someone over, and the problem I have is that I have just started to suspect that the friend that he is talking about is more than just a friend.

I wanted to say no, but how could I without telling him why, especially when his little brother has had quite a few sleepovers? I told him I would think about it, which he excepted without arguement.

I have since discussed this with his Dad (my ex) and when I told him of my suspicions about the exact nature of our Sons relationship with his friend..... he laughed and told me that I was blind, and that he is amazed that I've only just started to suspect when this boy has been my sons boyfriend for some time, and that our son has told him so. Why has he not told me? I have asked my ex to talk to our son about this sleepover as they are very close, and the boy has had no problem in the past talking to his Dad about this kind of stuff, his sexuality etc etc. He does not talk to me about this side of his life, and I have to admit that this upsets me, and I wish that we could have talked about stuff in the past the same way he talks to his Dad, but when I have tried it does not work. He is a beautiful kid, and we are very close in all other ways.

His Dad says that we should trust him, and that they are most likely doing 'stuff' together already, and that he would rather he was doing that 'stuff' somewhere he is safe.

I just cannot be so flippant about this, and I can't deny that I am bothered by it.

orry that was to Northern

Leg car, what ever you decide about room share please do nt tell your son's father he can't talk to his son about this issue.

You're son needs someone to confide. I know your sad it's not you but banning his father from having an important discussion is nt the way to improve your relationship.

@bridget....... I just think that he finds it easier to talk to his Dad about things, he is a very laid back man. He has always ran to his father whenever he has problems. His Dad has always spoilt him, and I guess his Dad is a lot less strict with him than myself and my husband. I am in no way shocked by my son being gay. He was always a pretty/girlish looking boy, and he has always been slightly effeminate in his mannerisms, and as a child he was very sensitive, loving and demonstrative with people. I am very proud of him just the way he is, and he knows that. He came out to his dad when he was 13. It was a tough time for him. Although I had always thought he would be gay, we had never actually talked about it, but something happened that forced his step-dad and I to speak to him about his sexuality. I accept that we might of handled it better, because he was very upset and embarrassed, and he turned to his father for comfort, and that's when he told him he thought he was gay.

@northernparent.... You misunderstood. I would never try to stop my ex from talking to our boy about any issue, not that I could anyway. I have always been very happy that they are as close as they are. You are right when you say that I'm sad that he does not confide in me in the same way though. For too long I have told my ex to talk to our boy when I should be talking to him, but cant because when I try it feels so awkward. I need to make more effort and thats why I've changed my mind about getting his dad to talk to him about this sleepover. I just want to talk to him first and try to do so without either one of us being embarrassed.

I'm late to this thread but my feeling is
He hasn't discussed his sexuality with you for a reason, clearly he isn't comfortable and I wouldn't push the issue. Perhaps look at your own attitude or the vibes you might unconsciously give off. How do you honestly feel about the idea of him being gay, would come as a big shock and many wouldn't feel comfortable initially. You might have been unconsciously aware of the possibility but not really accepting of it?

If they are in a relationship in the way your EX describes then the chance of them not having had sex yet is quite slim I would imagine. Personally I would prefer they are doing 'stuff' in a safe place, as long as it is discreet and respectful to others in the house. Age of consent between two teens of this age is irrelevant, nobody gets prosecuted for consensual sex.

n fairness Id never have spoken to my mum about this stuff. just wasn't our relationship. she's fantastic and I wouldn't have changed anything. maybe ops son feels like he can talk to his dad precisely because he doesn't live with him

You say that something forced his stepdad and you to talk about your sons sexuality. What was that? You mention that you didn't handle it well? Perhaps this is why he finds it tough to talk about these things with you now. In fairness though, I don't think many kids want to discuss such things with their mums anyway.

I agree with the above post about the likelyhood of your son already being intimate with his boyfriend. If it was boy and girl maybe not, but two 15 year old boys with hormones raging that are holding hands, hugging and kissing........ I would be amazed if they were not already having sex, as hard as that may be for you to hear. If he is that close to his dad why not have sleepovers at his place?

Does your sons boyfriends mother no about the nature of their relationship? If she does, and she is fine with sleepovers, and his Dad is obviously already ok with it then I would be inclined to allow it. As others have said though, he must be discreet and respectful of the rest of the house, especially if he has younger siblings.

I would not worry about the age of consent thing. The law is their to protect young people from adults. Two boys, both 15, who have an emotional bond. I don't see a problem really. If it does really bother you, maybe tell DS that he can have his friend stay over when they are both 16.

One thing is for sure. You have to talk to him about this.

Does his dad have a partner?
I think it may be that you and his step dad act as one and it isn't that he feels more uncomfortable around you but that he feels more uncomfortable around his step dad. You say you both asked him about his sexuality together, that's pretty daunting!
Maybe he thinks you would discuss this with him if you knew.
I know I act very differently around my step dad and would feel more uncomfortable talking about sex and and relationships.

There probably are 'doing stuff' already but that's not really the point here. how would you feel about allowing a 15 yo girlfriend to stay in his room overnight? If you are cool with that then you should be cool with this. What if you knew he was straight, and it you were fairly sure it was a purely platonic friend who just happened to be a girl? Would you take the chance? If he was straight and you wouldn't be happy about a girl (whether romantically involved or not, to your knowledge) in his room all night then say no to a boy - after all, it's not really a matey 'sleepover' in the traditional sense if he's gay, is it?

I wouldn't do it because I feel that 15 is too young to be having sex with a girl or a boy.

I'd let them stay in separate rooms though.

@cheerfulyank Maybe 15 is to young, maybe it's not. I think it depends on how mature the teen is. In this case, to young or not doesn't really mattef because theg are most likely having sex. Lehcar will not be able to stop him doing it, so by allowing this boy to spend the night at least she knows her son is in a safe and secure enviroment. If she says no, this boy is still going to be having sex with her son someplace else. It is a tough call though.

I would let this happen quite happily. It's a friendship based on good things. You can't control the sex lives of 15 year olds if they are determined.
I suspect your son is asking for this so that he can let you know who he is.

Thanks for your comments everyone. I have not been able to chat to my son as of yet as I am waiting for the right moment. My boy has not brought it up again with me as of yet. I don't understand why I feel so nervous and unsettled by it all, but I do. His Dad called me yesterday and has told me that DS has asked him to talk to me about it, so we are meeting up today. I hope it doesn't end up with us arguing like it normally does when we come face to face. Fingers crossed...... I'll try to answer some of your question.

@eyebags63..Question.....How do I honestly feel about my son being gay?

Answer....
As I said, I love my son just the way he is. I never had any problem with the thought of him growing up to be gay when he was a child, and I have no problem with it now. He is, and always has been a beautiful soul and I am so proud of him. Do I give of some subconscious negative vibe? I don't think I do, but how can I be sure? My husband says that I baby him, and that he welcomes being babied and because of the dynamic of our relationship he thinks my son must find it difficult to talk to me about more adult things.

@Jd56....Question.....You say that something forced his stepdad and you to talk about your sons sexuality. What was that? You mention that you didn't handle it well? Perhaps this is why he finds it tough to talk about these things with you now?

Answer.....
I would rather not say on the open forum what happened that day. You can message me if you want. No we did not handle it well intially, but came to our senses quickly.

@Jd56 Question...... I would be amazed if they were not already having sex, as hard as that may be for you to hear. If he is that close to his dad why not have sleepovers at his place?

Answer..... Yes, that is very, very hard for me to hear, and I don't believe it's true. His dad has two other younger children, one girl, and one boy. When he is at his Dads he shares a room with his little brother. So a sleepover at his dads isn't possible.

@Jd56.... Question......Does your sons boyfriends mother no about the nature of their relationship?

Answer...... I have no idea. I have never met, or spoken to her!

@Jd56..... Question...... I would not worry about the age of consent thing.

Answer....... I do worry about it though!

@itsbetterthanabox....Question... Does his dad have a partner?

Answer... Yes he does. My son gets on very well with her. He has a half brother and sister on his dads side, and a half brother on mine and my husbands. Somehow, all the kids are very close. He gets on o.k with his stepdad!

Would you have the same view if it concerned a heterosexual couple noteventhebestdrummer?

Yes of course. It's not a casual encounter. I have a mix of gay and straight DC and I think at 15 this situation is OK.

Jd56 I understand the argument about "they're going to do it anyway", I really do. And maybe I'll feel differently when my DC are older. (They're seven, almost 2, and coming along in June right now :) )

But we were just talking about this on another thread, and it comes down to where do we draw the line? Would you say "they're going to anyway" about a 12 year old? If no, 13? It's so hard to know, so I'd personally go with the law. And I'm American and age of consent laws are tricky here so I'd probably go with 18 in my own home.

Not to derail your thread, OP :) It's a tough call, good luck!

Just a thought, but I do not know what legally constitutes 'having sex'.

Most kids don't jump from strictly platonic to full blown intercourse on their 16th birthday. That's what this time of their life is for, gradually experimenting more with sex etc. With their peers, not in inappropriate relationships.

Surely most 15 year old hetero kids are experimenting with sex, ie kissing, touching, perhaps a bj. Isn't the illegal bit penetration? Otherwise the jails would be stuffed full of young teens, including most MNers in their day, I should think.

Two young gay lads will be almost certainly doing very much the same, kissing, touching, mutual masturbation, a bj. The chances that penetration would be involved at this age, and without an older person involved, I would imagine as being quite slim.

Excuse me for being so blunt.

I see where your coming from cheerful, a line has to be drawn somewhere with regards to the law, and it is hard to know because every teen is an individual, and wd do not know the op's son. His own dad does though, and if he is o.k with it then it would suggest that he believes these two boys are mature enough to be in that type of relationship.

Dejarderoncar, I don't think that the police care about 15 year olds who are in a consensual relationship having sex with each other. I also think that men are just natural perverts lol, and that two 15 year old boys are much more likely to do things than a boy or girl couple. How it works for two lads I don't know. I would assume the more feminine boy is the one that is penetrated, but I don't see why they would need "an older person involved!"

Jd56. Lots of stereotyping there.
Lots of gay men are just having sex with each other other. Many want to be in committed relationships. They aren't just 'perverts'.
A lot of gay couple don't practise anal sex at all or very rarely. It's not the only sexual act. And whether you are a penetrate or be penetrated has nothing to do with femininity and masculinity. Being camp doesn't make you 'the girl' and being macho doesn't make you 'the boy'. Not every gay couple has an effeminate or butch man in it anyway! You can switch between who penetrates who as well and this versatility is normal.

I apologise for my ignorance and stereotyping itsbetterthanabox. I guess I was right when I said that I didn't know how it worked when two lads get together. Thank you for clearing that up. In fairness to me, I did not say that gay men were all perverts that do not want to be in a committed relationship. When I said perverts I was was light-heartedly referring to all boys, straight, gay of otherwise! What I meant is that as a general rule I think all teenage boys are obsessed with sex, far more so than girls, and therefore two boys together are more likely to get up to stuff than a boy and girl are.

How are you getting on lehcar75? As a parent of a child who I suspect may be gay, I am interested in how this turns out!

So his father, his partner and I met up to discuss this and I am having to back away from the whole thing at the moment because I am so fucking angry, and do not want my son to pick up on that.

My ex told me that my son does not know that I suspect this friend of his to be more than just a friend, and that our son has asked his step-mum to tell me that he has a boyfriend,and who it is. I do not understand why he is too scared to tell me himself, there must be a reason, but I thought o.k we can talk about it and work on the reasons why he feels he cannot open up too me about this stuff. No real problem. However, when his dad and I started talking about it further, the truth slowly started coming out and it has left me livid.

It turns out that this thing has been going on for months. My son and his friend go to his dads in their lunch break when no one else is there. My ex found out about this long ago. His partner was sure someone was in the house during the day because she would find things disturbed, like drink bottles on the kitchen counter, or towels on the bathroom floor. She asked my son if he was there during the day using the bathroom and he got very embarrassed and said he was because he did not like showering in school after P.E.... This sounded plausible to her because he once had a problem in the changing rooms at school, so she thought nothing of it and let it go, even though my son is not allowed to leave the school grounds at any time. All was well until one day, while being nosy she found condoms and lubricant hidden amongst my sons things!!!! They confronted him, and he broke down and told them the truth.

My ex and his partner decided between them not to tell me this about my son. Not only that, but even though my son was told by his dad that he could not leave school during his lunch break, he knows that he does and lets it go. Not only that, but his partner has got to know this boys mother quite well. Not only that, but there have on many occasions been times when they have allowed SLEEPOVERS at this boys house while I believed my son was safe and well and staying the night at his dads!!!!!!!!

I am fucking livid, and I don't think that I can ever trust my ex or his partner ever again. When their two kids are at mine and something happens, no matter how trivial, I always tell them straight away. I would never dream of doing otherwise, and the fact that they, and this boys mother have conspired to deceive me for so long about something as major as this has left me reeling..........

I can understand why you are so furious with your ex. I imagine that your son begged him not to tell you, but they most certainly should have. Did you talk to your son?

I can totally understand why you're so angry; that is a lot of concealment from you from 3 different people, as well as your son. I can kind of see how it happened over time, but they really should have told you sooner.

It sounds as if your son and his boyfriend have mutually loving relationship, and they would have started to have sex regardless of whether other adults condoned it or not. 16 is a fairly arbitrary age, and some young people are ready before this age. I don't think any harm will come from your son having an intense and loving relationship before this.

I can see you feel betrayed by your ex husband, and he really should have told you sooner. But there is little you can do to change this now. Your son will open up more to you if he can see that you accept his relationship totally.

To begin with I would have advised you that you should not allow this till they are both 16, but given the circumstances I now agree with Bifflepants. If they are going to your ex's during their lunch break, and have already had sleepovers at this boys parents house, than they are obviously already in a mutually loving relationship. The fact that they are using condoms suggests that they are muture and sensible.