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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Gay teenage Son asking if he can have a sleepover with his friend.........

56 replies

lehcar75 · 22/03/2015 10:13

My son has never ever had any of his friends stay the night on a sleepover, even when he was small, unlike his his younger brother. He has now asked if he can have someone over, and the problem I have is that I have just started to suspect that the friend that he is talking about is more than just a friend.

I wanted to say no, but how could I without telling him why, especially when his little brother has had quite a few sleepovers? I told him I would think about it, which he excepted without arguement.

I have since discussed this with his Dad (my ex) and when I told him of my suspicions about the exact nature of our Sons relationship with his friend..... he laughed and told me that I was blind, and that he is amazed that I've only just started to suspect when this boy has been my sons boyfriend for some time, and that our son has told him so. Why has he not told me? I have asked my ex to talk to our son about this sleepover as they are very close, and the boy has had no problem in the past talking to his Dad about this kind of stuff, his sexuality etc etc. He does not talk to me about this side of his life, and I have to admit that this upsets me, and I wish that we could have talked about stuff in the past the same way he talks to his Dad, but when I have tried it does not work. He is a beautiful kid, and we are very close in all other ways.

His Dad says that we should trust him, and that they are most likely doing 'stuff' together already, and that he would rather he was doing that 'stuff' somewhere he is safe.

I just cannot be so flippant about this, and I can't deny that I am bothered by it.

OP posts:

Rhymerocket · 22/03/2015 10:18

What age are these lads?

Stealthpolarbear · 22/03/2015 10:23

if he's under 16id say no tbh
you know they are more than friends and that's my personal cut off I think

cdtaylornats · 22/03/2015 10:25

If it was a girlfriend would you say yes? That's really the only question, your sons sexuality should not be a factor.

Original poster

lehcar75 · 22/03/2015 10:31

They are both 15, and I just feel it's not appropriate, but at the same time don't want my Son to think that what he is doing (if he is doing anything) is wrong! This is the dilemma I have at the moment and I'm waiting for his Dad to get back to me after he has spoken to him.

I just wanted some opinions from other Mums because I am unsettled by this!

OP posts:

Rhymerocket · 22/03/2015 10:42

It is wrong! He's under 16.

It doesn't matter who he is sleeping with be it James or Jane. He's under the Age of consent. U can't facilitate that. How would u feel as the other lads parents.

Ur not saying being gay is wrong. But there is a legal age of consent. I have to teach him the law.

Stealthpolarbear · 22/03/2015 10:47

presumably if he was a girl you'd meet her. invite her to family dos. but draw the line at them sleeping together.so do that.

bigTillyMint · 22/03/2015 10:47

Sympathies - dealing with teen sexuality is not easy, particularly if they are not yet 16 - how old is your DS?

Your DH sounds really sensible and it's great that your DS feels able to talk to him.
Maybe he is embarrassed to talk to you about it? You say that you have tried before, but now this is actually involving you as he wants your permission to invite his friend for a sleepover. Do you feel able to take the first step and raise the subject with him in a supportive and non-judgemental way, and tell him about your concerns so that you can have a reasoned discussion with him?

thehumanjam · 22/03/2015 10:48

If you agree to a sleepover tell him they must be in separate rooms. It's not the same as sleepovers that his younger brother has because of his sexuality. I would not allow 15 year male/female sleepovers for the same reason.

Mrsjayy · 22/03/2015 10:53

This lad may or may not be his boyfriend but I think it would be separate rooms if you allow it he has never had a sleepover ever now he wants this boy to stay

Mrsjayy · 22/03/2015 10:56

Why don't you ask him you would if it was a girl boy friend ship you would ask if he was seeing her

Feckeggblue · 22/03/2015 10:59

I don't think you'd even consider it if they were male/ female and straight so I would also say no. I know why you feel uncomfortable as it does feel mean not to allow him sleepovers (and now you're in the tricky situation of approving sleepovers based on whether you think he fancies the guy or not )

Original poster

lehcar75 · 22/03/2015 11:00

@Rhymerocket...... That is why I am so unsettled by it, and think it to be so inappropriate. I would always check with the boys other parents to see if it was o.k, as I have done with my younger sons friends parents when he has had sleepovers.

If my son asked me if he could have his friend over to do 'stuff' in the privacy of his room, it would be a definate no, but I don't know that that's what he wants for sure. Maybe I'm naive in the extreme as my ex suggests. I find it very difficult to imagine my son in that way, nothing to do with him liking boys instead of girls, it would make no difference either way. I guess I have a hard time with him growing up.

OP posts:

Chillyegg · 22/03/2015 11:02

Well i kinda agree with your DH, but because of the age of them id say separate rooms girl or boy. Maybe invite the lad for a meal so he feels welcome and your son knows you accept the situation and the room situation of because of age.

Mrsjayy · 22/03/2015 11:03

It must be tricky you don't want to say he fancies every boy just because he is gay but you don't want to let it go because you don't want him having 15 year old boy friend s staying either just ask him

Mrsjayy · 22/03/2015 11:06

No parent wants to think of their children doing stuff we know they do and i know there are liberal parents who don't mind but i am like you and didn't want to think of 15yr old dds with boys

Original poster

lehcar75 · 22/03/2015 14:08

Thank you for all your thoughts everyone, they are much appreciated. They also reaffirm my own thoughts on this, especially after I have spoken to my sons Father again.

I have asked him if he knows for sure if the lad in question is really our sons actual boyfriend. He said that he knows with 100% certainty that he is! When I asked how he knows, he informed me that our son told him, although he also said that he didn't need to be told because it was so obvious. I asked how so, and he replied..... "Their body language!" By all accounts when they are at his Dads they.... And I quote my ex.... "They hang off each other, hold hands, hug, or even kiss if they think nobody is watching them, but they aren't that bothered if I see them!!!" Makes me glad that he has to share a room with his brother when he is at his Dads if I'm honest.

It is difficult to take this all in, but I am happy that my son has someone, and also that he has a Dad that he feels he can express himself in front of without being judged.

On a purely selfish note.... I am upset that he feels he cannot behave in the same way around me, his mother. This lad has been in our house countless times, he is a nice kid, but up until recently I would not have thought him any different to my sons other friends. There has been no "body language" between them around me, and I only suspected something when I overheard something between two of my boys female friends.

So not only does he feel that he cannot tell me he has a boyfriend, he also feels that he has to change the whole way he acts when he is in his own home. I have asked his Dad not to talk to him about this now. I feel that it is time to try harder to connect with him myself about this stuff.

I'm a sad Mum at the moment......

OP posts:

Jackieharris · 22/03/2015 14:10

Absolutely not until they are both over 16.

His sexuality is irrelevant.

Haggisfish · 22/03/2015 14:21

You have probably made your discomfort at the thought apparent over the years, albeit subconsciously. It sounds like your ex has a more relaxed attitude about it all that your son has picked up in. Why not ask your son?

Mrsjayy · 22/03/2015 15:04

Aww that's a shame but fwiw my dd won't hold her boyfriend s hand when her dad's around and they are early 20s but she is more comfy around me. he is a teenager and feeling a bit awkward I know you are sad but you are doing nothing wrong by the sounds of it he is just shier round his mum

bridget75 · 22/03/2015 15:52

Tricky one.

Why do you think your son does not confide in you in the same way he does with his dad? Have you had problems or issues in the past with him being gay? Have you argued about it? Were you shocked when he came out, how old was he, did he tell you or his dad or someone else? your ex is probs right when he says they are most likely aready sexual together. Boys being boys and all that. And i understand his logic when he says he would prefer that they were doing it in a safe enviroment, but if that was my ds or dd there is no way i would allow that sleepover when he is underage. You cant be seen to condone something against the law. Be upfront with your reasons your against it, recognize his bf as being his bf and welcome him into your home as such. Just no sleepovers. Has he asked his dad if he can have a sleepover at his place.

Northernparent68 · 22/03/2015 20:11

Let the boys share a room, what difference will extra 12 months make ? The rationale for the age of consent is to protect girls that does nt apply here.

CalicoBlue · 22/03/2015 20:23

I think it difficult in that if you did not suspect they were a couple would you let him have a sleepover? what would you say if it were a female friend?

I would probably say yes, check that the boys parents are ok that he has a sleepover. If they are doing anything then it has happened already. At least you do not need to worry about pregnancy.

ChillySundays · 22/03/2015 21:40

Whatever you would do if it was a girlfriend should apply to a boyfriend

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 22/03/2015 21:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Stealthpolarbear · 22/03/2015 22:32

re y saying the only risk sex is pregnancy

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