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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Homework and teens

33 replies

PingPongBat · 17/03/2015 18:21

What age do you / did you just leave your teens to get on with their homework, in terms of propmting them to get it done, & not allowing them to do other things (e.g. computer games etc) until it's done?

We have a teen who has, in the last couple of weeks, ended up doing homework after 11.00pm, but had been on his PC playing games & Skyping his girlfriend for hours after school / early evening.

DH is minded to leave DS to it, let him organise himself & go to bed when he feels like it. I'm still itching to prompt him about homework, & go to bed at a reasonable time. As DS is in Year 10 homework is often preparing for GCSE assessments so it's important that it gets done on time, & that he doesn't do it so late at night when he (by his own admission) is struggling to concentrate.

Would be interested to hear what others think and how it works in your house. Thanks

OP posts:

OneMagnumisneverenough · 17/03/2015 18:31

To be honest - mine were about 7 - as soon as they could read and understand what they needed to do, then it was up to them and they could come and ask for help if required.

Our view has always been that it's their homework, it's between them and the school and its up to them.

I will occaisionally ask if they have any and suggest they do it early as we have stuff coming up during the week that will leave them with less time, but otherwise, it's down to them.

I've never had any issue and think they've asked for help about half a dozen times. They are 14 and 13 now and reports from school are good.

Ido have a bedtime rule etc so it needs to get done earlier in the evening.

chiefbrody · 17/03/2015 18:31

Homework done as soon as he gets in...........

His choice

year 8

Original poster

PingPongBat · 18/03/2015 09:50

Thanks for your replies. Anyone else?

OP posts:

Claybury · 18/03/2015 10:58

I just think every child / parent is different.
Both my teens are self motivated , I have never interfered with homework. But DD (16) will talk to me about homework and sometimes ask for help. DS (17) never ever has done and he'd be cross if I even asked.
DD once said to me if I told her to revise she probably wouldn't - just to annoy me. I think some teens are pretty autonomous and like it that way.
However some teens might need some supervision and respond to parental interferenc/ supervision.
Not helpful but I think it's just impossible to generalise.

When mine were year 10 age our router would be off from 10pm so (online) homework had to be done early. They complained about this occasionally but I personally don't think working late is to be encouraged.
However now I often tell DD to stop revising at 10.30pm when I go to bed as I think sleep is more important. She takes no notice though !

BackforGood · 20/03/2015 14:28

Same as OneMagnesium - it's been 'their' homework from start of juniors. I will ask if they have any / what they've got / if they've done it, but it's up to them to organise themselves to get it done.

mathanxiety · 22/03/2015 20:04

Same as OneMagnum basically. Developing the prioritising and organising skills is important and unless they have a problem with executive function they will manage.

The only other potential problem I would see is deliberate sabotaging of his GCSE chances by playing games and skyping, so maybe sit down and ask him what he realistically thinks his exam results will be and for the revision and workload plan he has in place to get this accomplished. If he has one then nod and ask him if he will need a reminder from you occasionally to stay on track, or if he would prefer if you left it to him.

Mine get a lot of homework and are frequently up late doing it, but again, it is up to them to manage this, maybe take a little nap when they come in from school, make some coffee or tea for themselves when they wake up, and get on with it.

Bunbaker · 22/03/2015 20:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheFirstOfHerName · 22/03/2015 20:34

Homework gradually became their responsibility during Year 6. By Year 7 they were able to reliably organise and complete all homework before deadlines.

Revision was a different matter because they didn't really experience having to revise content (as compared to skills) until their exams at the end of Year 7. I would say that the older ones started taking responsibility for their own revision in Year 8-9. Reliably able to organise own revision and complete it before the test/exam? Starting to get there in Year 10.

TheFirstOfHerName · 22/03/2015 20:36

It also seems to be subject dependent. The more they enjoy the subject, the more motivated they are to complete the homework or get on with the revision.

OneMagnumisneverenough · 22/03/2015 20:41

If I didn't remind her to do homework it wouldn't get done and she would get after school detentions

Yes, but that's the point surely? If you keep organising it for her she will never learn. I am always prepared for them to not do it and get consequences from the school - not happened yet, but it might at some point and it's then their responsibility - if you have to collect her because she gets detention then charge her for your time/petrol.

Bunbaker · 22/03/2015 20:48

How do those of you with self motivated teens manage to motivate them?

OneMagnumisneverenough · 22/03/2015 20:52

Mine aren't particularly motivated, they are just very overly compliant - they like to follow the rules and not be in trouble. It's a useful trait from a parent or teachers point of view, but probably not the best in terms of their confidence etc.

OhYouBadBadKitten · 22/03/2015 20:59

Dd learned early on that life is a lot less stressful if you just get on and do your homework. So she does it as soon as she gets in and while her friends are fretting about huge amounts building up, she is able to chill cos it is sorted. She works incredibly hard but when it's done it's done.

mathanxiety · 22/03/2015 21:29

Mine have always been told they are working for themselves and not for the teacher or for me. They have also had the odd reminder at primary that whether they like the work or not it still has to get done, along with suggestions that they might as well get it over with and not have it hanging over them. I used to chat with them about school subjects (still do) and therefore they are nerds interested in school.

OccamsLadyshave · 22/03/2015 22:09

These threads always get responses from people whose teens have been doing their homework without a word of reminder since reception, and yet in RL I don't know anyone whose kids do this. Certainly not in primary school.

My DD is in Y8 and up until recently she wouldn't do homework unless I reminded her. She just wouldn't ever decide it was time to start. She didn't really care if it didn't get done, and the school (both primary and secondary) were fairly hopeless at issuing any punishments. Because of this I did usually ask each day what homework she had, and then ask her to do it after tea.

Since Christmas I have backed off completely, mainly because she has hit the teens and I have enough to argue with her about. Early in the term she missed enough deadlines to trigger a response from the school, and she finally got a detention (after at least 5 bits of missing homework) and she really didn't like it.

It's taken the best part of a term, but I think she is finally getting there. I get a bit twitchy when she still hasn't started her homework on Sunday evenings at 7.00 but I'm getting better at keeping my mouth shut and letting her sink or swim on her own. She's just gone up to bed now having completed a 4 week art project in 3 hrs!

I have had to accept the fact that she's a last minute homeworker and is probably going to spend the rest of her education pulling all-nighters and stressing out when the printer runs out of ink at midnight!

It's been so hard keeping my mouth shut, but it's done our relationship the world of good, and I think it's really important that I've detached from it now. She's proved she can do it on her own and I'm not sure either of us believed she could before. I'm really proud of how motivated she's been.

Now I just need to back off from her violin practise!

Original poster

PingPongBat · 22/03/2015 23:02

Some really interesting replies here, thank you.

Claybury you’re right, they’re all different, and my DD & DS are different to each other too. OneMagnum and BunBaker your posts get to the essence of my dilemma – do you let your child fail & take the consequences, or do you hover over them & see them succeed. In the past I’ve let my DCs experience the logical consequences of not doing homework, and generally they’ve learnt that doing it at 7.00am, or in registration at school on the day it’s due, does not get them the best marks (they’re both ambitious and want to get good grades). But since DS has discovered online gaming, and has started GCSEs, I find it more difficult to keep my mouth shut! I need to find a balance, reminding him of what he needs to do, then backing away and leaving him to it. Occams I admire your restraint, I am definitely with you on the ‘twitchy’ feeling on a Sunday night…

That’s why I like mathanxiety’s approach of asking about his plan for revision etc. I’m trying to keep on top of what assessments he has & the school has provided a timetable, but the teachers seem to keep changing it which makes things difficult. He’s been predicted A & A for everything, which I think he is finding really hard as there’s so much pressure not to disappoint his teachers. He’s a ‘pleaser’ and wants to do his best, but sometimes his confidence crashes and he puts things off because he thinks he can’t do them. And the subject is also a factor, as TheFirst* so rightly says. English is the one that usually gets left till last!

OP posts:

OneMagnumisneverenough · 22/03/2015 23:16

I think the point is that personally I don't care whether they do their homework or not, it's not my homework, it's between the school and the pupil as far as I am concerned. I've never had any feedback from school, primary or high school to say that they haven't done it, they've never had a punishment that i am aware of, but it's essentially between them and the teacher unless the teacher decides to get me involved.

As far as I am aware, studies show that in terms of achievement, homework is irrelevant - certainly in primary school. I think it has some value in High school in terms of getting them into a routine of home study. I encourage them to read etc which I think is just as valuable. They seem to have very little homework yet as far as I can tell, DS1 once commented that he does most of his at the end of the lesson he is in.

Original poster

PingPongBat · 22/03/2015 23:26

OneMagnum I agree that homework has limited value in primary school, but now that DS is doing GCSE assessments every few weeks, it needs doing if he’s going to achieve the grades he is capable of.

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 23/03/2015 04:01

If he is feeling pressure and you think he is putting things off or engaging in distractions because the pressure is affecting him, then ask him what he realistically thinks he is capable of achieving, and don't hit the roof if he thinks he will fail a few or get mediocre results. If he is pessimistic, just ask him how he thinks he might do better than he believes he can and see if he can come up with a realistic weekly plan that allows him a certain amount of time chatting with the GF or gaming as well as putting in solid hours.

If you put it to him that you are not focusing on the GCSEs but would be happy to see him make a certain amount of effort on a weekly basis, and try to allocate a reasonable amount of time to work at an hour that isn't last minute, he might feel less like someone who was powerless to affect his own destiny. Sometimes a big, abstract, looming exam turns teens into deer in the headlights but a weekly target consisting of hours put in (productively of course) isn't as scary. Little steps.

I would also have him spend time working around the house and contributing to meal preparation, maybe to the tune of two family meals per week and doing all his own laundry. Sometimes being more connected to real life and feeling competent that you can run that washing machine, crank out a decent spag bol and salad, and clean the kitchen up afterwards, etc., can give a floundering teen the boost they need. Plus, 'if you want to get something done, ask a busy person' holds true for teens, who can be very vulnerable to inertia once it sets in.

*wrt gaming -- I would quietly monitor this if I were you, just in case it gets out of hand. Gaming can take on a life of its own.

Bunbaker · 23/03/2015 06:54

"do you let your child fail & take the consequences, or do you hover over them & see them succeed."

DD is in year 10 and doing two GCSEs this year. I am not prepared to see her fail them just because she didn't do the work. You don't get a second chance at GCSEs these days.

TheWordFactory · 23/03/2015 11:02

OP, I have two very motivated teens.

I think their motivation is partly intrinsic (DH and I are both highly ambitious and motivated so it's both what they've inherited genetically-if such a trait is genetic?- and what they see on a day to day basis).

But DH and I have also nurtured that motivation by constantly talking about their futures and connecting it to education and effort.

Don't get me wrong though, they have both gone through, and will probably continue to go through, periods when motivation drops. Doesn't that happen to us all? During those periods DH and I try to gee along as much as we can and get tough if need be.

I see it as still my job to stay alive to those periods when motivation drops and act accordingly.

Bonsoir · 23/03/2015 13:18

I think it is absolutely fine to make crystal clear to DC of all ages this homework is a priority occupation and that it should be done promptly and when they are not too tired. Fine to allow them 30' of chill/chat if they want and need it when they get home, but hours of gaming/TV/skyping is not acceptable unless all homework is completed.

FWIW we have found it much easier to encourage good homework habits when a (step) parent is at home after school keeping a watchful eye (albeit at a distance) than when teens return to an empty home.

OneMagnumisneverenough · 23/03/2015 14:12

Mine don't do it when they get home - they chill until dinner (which is generally 5-5.30) and then do homework after dinner before going to do their gaming etc or out to whatever activity is on.

OneMagnumisneverenough · 23/03/2015 14:16

we've always done the link between hard work and choices. The harder you work then the more choices you have in life. You may in the end choose to do something that isn't academic as such, but if you don't get the exam rsults then it narrows down what you can do. They are well aware of the need to make a living and that you need money to buy things you may want.

TheWordFactory · 23/03/2015 14:29

DS sometimes does his homework at school. If he doesn't do that he generally relaxes until 6-6.30pm, then he'll do his work.

DD has so many activities after school that she is always late, so she just eats and gets straight down to it. She knows there isn't another choice if she wants to keep up her activities.

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