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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

DS (13) has stolen money from me

29 replies

InRecovery · 11/03/2015 12:00

I am furious.

Back story. He missed his friend's party as he was unwell, I said he could still give his friend some birthday money (£10 which seems to be the usual amount). I said I would give it to him as soon as he has written out a card for his friend. DS utterly refused to write out a card. We had a few arguments along the lines of:

DS "But I told him I was bringing in his birthday money"
Me - "Well write out the card and I will go to the cash point and get it for you".
DS "No, I'm not going to do a card".
Me - "Well I am not giving you the money then".

At which point the argument goes circular and DS would return to his original point that he told his friend he was bringing in birthday money to school. Therefore I never ended up giving him the money.

Fast forward a week (this time last week to be precise), and I left my purse at home while I went out. DS was home at the time. There was £140 in cash to pay for something specific in £20s, £10s, and £5s.
The next day I went to check the cash before I paid and realised it was £20 short.
That evening I asked DS whether he had moved my purse etc, could it have fallen out anywhere. DS said he knew nothing about it. It did vaguely pass through my head that he could have taken it but I didn't think he really would.

This morning I had a text from the mother of the boy whose party DS missed saying 'sorry it is late but thank you so much for my DS's birthday money, that was very generous of you!'.

So, DS has stolen £20 from me, and given it to his friend! I am so furious it is unreal! Luckily DS had left for school by the time I got the text because I was in such a rage! I sent him a text telling him I now know what happened to my money, how disappointed I am in him, and that his games console is confiscated for at least a week. I was considering cathartic actions like taking a sledgehammer to the console but I have calmed down a bit and gone up to the local newsagents to enquire on his behalf if they have any paper rounds and do they take 13 year olds! (The person I need to talk to wasn't there). But my feeling now is that he needs to pay me back one way or another.

Still so angry! I actually feel really betrayed.

Any advice appreciated!

OP posts:

Joyfulldeathsquad · 11/03/2015 12:07

He absolutly needs to pay it back in some form.

My cousins two dds regularly steal from her purse, pockets, DH wallets. One of them stole some change of my side in my house and when I phoned my cousin she was really lax with it. No apology nothing.

It's completly crossing the trust barrier and no one like a thief around them. I would go all out.

Had he got savings you can take it out of?

Vicarscat · 11/03/2015 12:08

He should certainly pay you back. One week without games console doesn't seem like much of a punishment. Why not sell the games console to make the cash if he doesn't get the paper round? And don't replace it.

Original poster

InRecovery · 11/03/2015 12:21

Thank you both, I was so angry that I was at the point at which I didn't know if I thinking rationally about a punishment!

I also thought he needs to sell things if the paper round doesn't happen. The only down side to that is I know he will choose to sell things that he has been given over the years (nice lego sets etc) but that he doesn't really care for any more. His games console is very new and he only has a couple of games. It was bought second hand for him and he does hugely appreciate that it was bought for him.

I know he will try and suggest doing things around the home instead, that will be a straight 'no', I want to see my money back!

I think this sounds more reasonable - he needs to pay me back my money in full, in cash, before his games console is returned. I just know he is going to come out with all manner of 'buts'.

Do you know what seriously pisses me off even more!? I have forked out (from my very limited single parent budget) over £500 for him to go on a school trip this year. He had been acting like he was really grateful, ARGH! I am pretty much speechless at the cheek of it. Staying calm when he gets home is going to be insanely hard.

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Vicarscat · 11/03/2015 12:41

In that case I'd require the cash by a deadline, and in addition I'd punish him by withholding the games console for a minimum of 2 weeks and after that continue to withhold it if the money has not been repaid in full. If you just require the cash back, he's not actually being punished, but is just paying back what he owes. I wouldn't trust him near your purse again.

Original poster

InRecovery · 11/03/2015 12:55

The withholding of the console in the meantime will definitely be a punishment to him. He won't be able to repay it straight away anyway.

I'm going to have to think about where any cash in the house is from now on - which is an incredibly sad thing to have to consider.

Oh I am so angry still!

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Original poster

InRecovery · 11/03/2015 14:43

I have just got him a paper round! Feel very relieved, he can pay me back and then going forward can have a (teeny) bit of financial independence!

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Vicarscat · 11/03/2015 14:55

Will he be expecting this?

Original poster

InRecovery · 11/03/2015 14:59

He did want to get a paper round anyway and had been meaning to ask at the local shop for a while. I just brought that forward for him in light of his need to repay me!

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ChillySundays · 11/03/2015 15:02

He should go without the games console until the money is paid back.

Not sure how much a week your DS will be earning but my DS has one and it would only take a 2/3 weeks to pay it back. 2/3 weeks punishment isn't a particularly harsh punishment for what is basically theft.

Original poster

InRecovery · 11/03/2015 15:09

It will take him 3 or 4 weeks, and no, he won't be getting the console back until I have all my money back!

Just had a thought that if I was in the position where a friend of one of my children gave them £20 for their birthday (so like the mother of DS's friend), I would actually feel really awkward! I don;t even spend that on my niece or nephews! What the hell was DS thinking!!!?

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sharingeverythingtwice · 11/03/2015 15:15

Just another thought, are you absolutely certain that he wasn't under any duress to handover the money and that there is no bullying going on? If you are then I agree punishments and paying you back are the way forward but I would want to be certain there wasn't anything else going on first if this is out of character.

Original poster

InRecovery · 11/03/2015 15:20

Hmm, I hadn't thought of that actually. All out bullying I don't think - but pressure from this boy to bring the money in - actually quite possible (although DS could still have just written out a card like I asked and I would have given him the money!). I will bear that in mind though when we have our little chat when he gets home, thank you.

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Joyfulldeathsquad · 11/03/2015 15:23

It's really hard. I brought up dd1 by myself and at times over compensated for her dads shit effort. When she turned 16 it just got to the point where it was expected. The turning point for me was when she received around £600 worth of stuff for Xmas - uggs, GHDs, designer clothiers & cash (all of me) and she was back to bring an arse two hours later.

sharing has a point - do you think it could have been under duress?

Joyfulldeathsquad · 11/03/2015 15:24

xpost!

LaurieFairyCake · 11/03/2015 15:35

Even if it's not bullying, once he'd promised it he would feel he had to follow through to keep his word/not have his mates think less of him etc.

If it was stealing to buy sweets I would be suggesting something else (and be much more angry)

But stealing to keep in with your mates and not lose face is different. Not losing face and not being humiliated is the worst thing imaginable for an adolescent boy.

So I would be punishing less and saying that he is never to take money again.

I'd also be checking with the Mum that he gave him £20 and not £10 - if he's kept some for himself that's a lot worse in my book. He had the opportunity to take only £10, why didn't he?

sanfairyanne · 11/03/2015 15:43

why didnt he use his pocket money to give his friend money? if he relies on you for all money, then, without excusing him, i can see how he would feel pressured having promised his friend a present. cards are probably too embarrassing. but if he chose to use your money not his, that is worse
either way, he needs to pay you back and apologise of course

Original poster

InRecovery · 11/03/2015 15:45

So he is home and vehemently denying it which is obviously even more shit because then we just end up in an argument. He is now saying 'I will do the paper round but I'm not doing it just for you'.

FFS.

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Original poster

InRecovery · 11/03/2015 15:47

He just came back downstairs to say he won't do the paper round (having said he wants one recently).

I told him he stole from me and needs to pay it back. More denial. He has now just walked out of the house.

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LaurieFairyCake · 11/03/2015 15:48

Quite separately I would be grounding until he took responsibility as lying to get through life is my big no-no.

If I know they're lying to me I give them a deadline to take responsibility like an adult or the consequence of lying is twice as bad.

It's not like you don't know he took it - you don't need proof and a dna sample, this isn't CSI - yes, that is a line ive used more than once.

Original poster

InRecovery · 11/03/2015 15:56

Yes, good point. Grounding is not practical but I have told him he will not have the privilege of staying home alone until he takes responsibility for his actions and apologises. "What actions" was his fucking infuriating reply

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Vicarscat · 11/03/2015 16:00

I hope you're removing the games console. And making sure he knows that if he turns down the paper round he is unlikely to be offered it in the future. That's his chance of earning money gone. And he will have to re-pay by selling his stuff.
This kind of thing is really horrible to deal with. Can you make him understand that his current stance means that you will not be able to trust him with anything in future?

LaurieFairyCake · 11/03/2015 16:08

I think that taking responsibility for actions is the thing I make most of a big deal of as lying and not taking responsibility loses you jobs!

I use different tactics starting with a long lecture about how I understand that they're not quite old enough to take responsibility, that they're brain is still very young and that it is a very grown up thing to do to take responsibility for adult actions.

Do not look at them during this phase unless you want an apoplectic face to giggle at later as you watch the emotions of 'fuck you, I'm old enough - stop treating me like a kid' and 'oh shit, if I don't take responsibility this woman's going to be cutting up my food for me at dinner'

Of course the above is actually true. And you do have to say that you're going to give them a bit less responsibility as they're clearly finding it hard and they're not ready for it.

So I've taken away keys, gone back to waking them up in the morning, tidying their bedrooms just a little, extra vegetables 'to help with their development' , no going out late as they're not trustworthy 'at the moment'.

I am a ninja at this - you have no idea how quickly children want to take responsibility for being twats round me.

Original poster

InRecovery · 11/03/2015 16:08

Games console well and truly removed, that was gone before he got home.

He has now admitted he did take it, and has said he will do the paper round for as long as it takes to pay me back. He is still being a little sod bag but it is an improvement on all out denial and refusal to take the paper round.

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 11/03/2015 16:09

Well done

Original poster

InRecovery · 11/03/2015 16:11

Ha, like the 'extra vegetables to help with development'!

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