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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Aggh. Dd's friends read her private messages. Major falling out.

49 replies

VivaLeBeaver · 02/03/2015 16:02

Dd got a funny message over the weekend from her best friend saying that on the school trip in a fortnight dd is no longer welcome to share a room with her and the other two girls who make up their friendship group.

Dd was crying last night, couldn't understand why. They've been a bit shakey in the past with dd being slightly frozen out the group, by one girl in particular, but they seem to have been better for months.

Dds just got back from school and was told in school today that one of the girls has hacked into her instagram messages and read private messages. Some of the messages were at the time of the last falling out and she was venting about one of the girls. Who are now really upset at what dd said.

So they've ignored her mostly today, have sometimes made loud bitchy comments to her and are slagging her off to the rest of the year. Dd has apologised to the girl she was rude about in the messages. The girl ignored her. Dd tried explaining that the message was written in anger when the other girl wasn't been nice to her, etc, it was meant to be private!!!

I think dd has learnt a big lesson about social media but am just worried about at what cost?

The school trip is going to be hell for her and she was really looking forward to it. It's her birthday the week after the school trip and it sounds like they've all pulled out the sleepover.

What are the chances of this blowing over?? They're year nine btw.

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TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 02/03/2015 16:13

I'm a bit hazy on UK school years - is that 15/16 or so? properly bitchy stage if so, I'd suggest cancelling the party and doing something else. Just let it blow over. Keep an eye though, if she's being actively bullied I'd have a word with the school

Big lesson - never to put anything in writing that you'd hate the subject to read but pretty horrible to be hacked by a "friend" too. Who does that?

Aside from the fact that it's a criminal offense.... punishable by 12 months in prison or a hefty fine.
www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/1990/18/section/1

Original poster
VivaLeBeaver · 02/03/2015 16:18

Age 13/14. Yes, I've told her now about not putting anything in writing. I don't think she'll make the same mistake twice! She's angry with her "friends" for reading the messages and breaching her trust like that.

Apparantly she logged onto Instagram on a friends phone three months ago. When she handed the phone back she said to her friend to log her out. Her friend said ok, but it sounds like she didn't do and has either kept it open or has somehow saved the password.

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Original poster
VivaLeBeaver · 02/03/2015 16:47

I've told her we'll go shopping for the day when it was meant to be her sleepover.

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TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 02/03/2015 22:27

Poor kid. It's a harsh lesson Hmm

SingingSands · 02/03/2015 22:32

Poor girl, agree it's a harsh lesson but it's very unfair on her - these messages were private. Is there anything you can do to relay to these girls that what they did was a massive breach of trust?

I'm dreading my dd getting involved in stuff like this, she goes up to high school after the summer.

Original poster
VivaLeBeaver · 03/03/2015 07:03

Dd has told them that she's really upset that they read her private messages. Some other kids in the year also started to see dds point about this and the girls are now backtracking and said what they read wasn't in private messages. But it was. So I think they know they're in the wrong but are prepared to lie.

Dd has already spoken to HOY who is really annoyed with the other girls. She's been really good, even lent dd her own phone so dd could change the password at school yesterday. She asked dd if she wanted her to to talk to the girls. Yesterday dd said no, but she thinks she might go and see her today.

There were some not very nice messages coming via Instagram last night. I've told dd to have a break from social media for a bit which she's going to do. Interestingly the girl who is closer to dd still referred to herself as dds friend.

I think that girl feels a bit torn between dd and the girl who read the messages. Message reading girl is leaving the school in a couple of weeks anyway.

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elspethmcgillicuddy · 03/03/2015 07:07

I think your daughter has been brilliant about this and dealt with it in a really mature way.

I suspect if message reading girl is leaving soon then it will all blow over.

Coconutty · 03/03/2015 07:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheChickenSituation · 03/03/2015 07:20

What a relief hacker-girl is leaving school.

Is she moving away?

Original poster
VivaLeBeaver · 03/03/2015 07:29

Yes, one of the two hacker girls (I think the main one) is moving abroad. Fingers crossed that helps the situation.

She has had problems in the past with these girls keeping her on the edge of the group. As her mum I just want to wave a magic wand and make everything ok for her.

I never had any of this when I was at school. Made friends in Year 7 and we stayed mates for the next five years. Honestly don't remember any bitching or falling out.

I could throttle dd for calling one of the girls names on Instagram. But then she has a right to assume it's private.

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auntpetunia · 03/03/2015 07:52

hacking is illegal, maybe a well timed comment about getting a criminal record so young would wind their necks in . They sound like some girls in my dd's year who keep sending her skitty videos, she's 13, she made them public and everyone else had a go at them, our plan was she make them public and I would tag their mums so they could see what the little darlings get up to on sleep overs, but I didn't need to all the other girls took offence and had a go at them so now they're desperate to make it seem like they were all just having fun. Your dd need to keep her head high and know that whatever she was writing at the time of the last falling out is nothing to what they will have been saying, would they like to share their direct messages for the same time frame.

TheChickenSituation · 03/03/2015 08:19

Actually hacking into someone's account and reading their private messages. That is really desperate.

Surely hacker-girl will look back on this one day and be utterly mortified.

Original poster
VivaLeBeaver · 03/03/2015 09:01

Problem is at the minute they don't seem to think what they've done is wrong. Or that dds transgression justifies what they've done.

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TheWildRumpyPumpus · 03/03/2015 09:12

Who was she sending the DM to out of interest? If she left herself logged in on someone else's phone (one of the people she was bitching about?) then they haven't really hacked anything.

That said, it sounds like they have always treated her pretty badly as friends, so I can understand her having a moan about them.

There's always a risk though that you will end up being called out about horrible things you say or do, unless you keep it inside your own head!

Original poster
VivaLeBeaver · 03/03/2015 09:16

I guess it's not technically hacking as she had left herself logged in. Friend took her phone back and Dd said I'm still logged in. Friend pretended to log her out. That was three months ago.

message was to a boy in her year who's always been a bit of a confidante to Dd.

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Original poster
VivaLeBeaver · 03/03/2015 09:20

I said to Dd that if one of my friends read my private messages I wouldn't want to remain friends. But on the other hand if I found out a friend had called me a bitch I also wouldn't want to stay friends.

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ThisFenceIsComfy · 03/03/2015 09:31

Ah the days before social media when we just used to write shitty notes to each other in class!

I'm all seriousness, if things don't improve after the girl has moved then I would suggest to your daughter that she makes new friends. It isn't worth continuing friendships that suck the life from us and best she learns that lesson early on.

oxoxo · 03/03/2015 09:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChillySundays · 03/03/2015 20:38

You should be inviting the girls who stuck up for DD to a sleepover. Perhaps they can become her new circle of friends

nequidnimis · 03/03/2015 21:13

I think she just needs to keep reinforcing the message that they were old and private messages; it sounds like people are coming round to her way of thinking, and I'm sure they will be more inclined to do so once the girl moves abroad.

Having said that, I think a social media break might be a good idea. Putting unkind comments in writing is really stupid, as was trusting a friend to log her out.

No matter how old the comments were I'm sure they still hurt someone's feelings. If I read horrible comments about myself I wouldn't want to be her friend either.

Original poster
VivaLeBeaver · 03/03/2015 21:40

Dd says she's not close enough to any of the other girls that they'd come for a sleepover.

Her friends have been busy spreading some private stuff that they read round the school today. Stuff between dd and a boy that was nothing to do with them. Dd is mortified.

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Pomegranatemolasses · 03/03/2015 22:25

These girls are not her friends! Seriously, they sound dreadful.

I know all teenage girls dread being left out by others, but honestly this crowd sounds like they have caused your dd nothing but misery. Poor girl, I hope this resolves itself, and that she makes some better friends.

Original poster
VivaLeBeaver · 05/03/2015 16:28

Well dd has come home in tears again.

The girls had told her already she wasn't welcome in their bedroom for the trip next week. So teachers had allocated her into another room. Her "friends" have gone and talked to the girls who she's now sharing a room with and as a result of that they went to the teacher and said they don't want dd in the same room as them! Teacher has said bad luck and now dd is worried about spending time with these other girls who don't want her.

And the main ringleader has been and complained to HOYs assistant that dd has been bothering her via text asking to be friends. So dd got a bollocking. I know it's not true because firstly dd has never had that girls phone number and secondly she spent all yesterday evening crying on the sofa with me. She doesn't take her phone to bed so never had the opportunity.

The girls are still spreading stuff about dd. Dd isn't sticking up for herself and when I said why don't you tell people your side she says she won't because HOY has told them all not to talk about it. Dd is obeying this but the others aren't. So all the year are only hearing the other girls side.

Dd says she wants to move school and is refusing to go in tomorrow. I'm not going to make her. I need to ring the school now don't i?

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TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 05/03/2015 16:45

She got a bollocking for harassment without any proof? I'd be making a formal complaint to the HOY.

Also "Teacher has said bad luck". Holy fuck - with the greatest respect why has this teacher not said "VivaJunior is being ostracized by Group A as a result of an unfortunate incident for which there is blame on both sides. For the time being we have decided that it would be better if they don't share a room. Are you now suggesting that I encourage and allow you to do the same?"

A appreciate that in the grand scheme of things this is just yet another group of teenage girls falling out with each other but this is now instigated bullying imo

How essential is this trip? Is it related to the curriculum in some way or is it a ski trip or similar?

Original poster
VivaLeBeaver · 05/03/2015 16:47

It's not an essential trip. It's a jolly to Paris and Eurodisney. If dd says she doesn't want to go on it Id kiss the £500 goodbye and say fine but she's being desperate to go to Paris for ages.

I think the French teacher hasn't a clue what's going on to be honest. So just told these girls it was too late to swap rooms anymore.

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