Aggh. Dd's friends read her private messages. Major falling out.

[VivaLeBeaver]

Dd got a funny message over the weekend from her best friend saying that on the school trip in a fortnight dd is no longer welcome to share a room with her and the other two girls who make up their friendship group.

Dd was crying last night, couldn't understand why. They've been a bit shakey in the past with dd being slightly frozen out the group, by one girl in particular, but they seem to have been better for months.

Dds just got back from school and was told in school today that one of the girls has hacked into her instagram messages and read private messages. Some of the messages were at the time of the last falling out and she was venting about one of the girls. Who are now really upset at what dd said.

So they've ignored her mostly today, have sometimes made loud bitchy comments to her and are slagging her off to the rest of the year. Dd has apologised to the girl she was rude about in the messages. The girl ignored her. Dd tried explaining that the message was written in anger when the other girl wasn't been nice to her, etc, it was meant to be private!!!

I think dd has learnt a big lesson about social media but am just worried about at what cost?

The school trip is going to be hell for her and she was really looking forward to it. It's her birthday the week after the school trip and it sounds like they've all pulled out the sleepover.

What are the chances of this blowing over?? They're year nine btw.

I think I'd be going into school and insisting that the other girls' patents were called in too. It's gone past being a teenage spat into all out bullying.

Could you resort to outright bribery and have her ask the girls over / out to get to know each other ahead of the trip? In the "I've won 4 tickets to see X in the cinema vein"? They're 13/14, it might work

I'd call the school now and see if you can see the HOY in the morning and take DD to school. Assuming you can drop everything. He/She definitely needs to deal with Group A encouraging other girls to bully and ostracize your child. Ask to have their policy on bullying emailed to you tonight.

I've tried ringing. HOY was gone. Will ring tomorrow.

I can't go in tomorrow as having a carpet fitted. I could go in next week.

I'm not going to try and bribe these girls to come here. The HOYs assistant has told dd to leave these other girls alone.

I want to know from the HOY what the other girls have been told. And why isn't anything been done about the fact they're still spreading stuff about dd after been told not to.

Head of governors is coming here for dinner tomorrow which could be interesting. . (She's a relative). Though normally we're very good and don't discuss school. But of course as a relative it's bound to be the sort of thing I vent to her about. Though I'd think she'd keep out of it and be very professional which is fair enough.

I've told her she doesn't have to go yo school tomorrow. Not sure if that's right or not. But if I was getting this shit at work I reckon I'd be ringing in sick with stress.

This scenario is exactly how my life was from age 10-18. Except my parents didn't seem to have a clue what was going on, despite my trying to tell them.

I wish had some advice - I never figured out how to deal with it myself! Having you willing to get involved will make a big difference to her though. I was told my parents weren't going to get involved because I needed to deal with these things myself. If I were you, I'd let her stay off for a day or 2 while you have words with the school & try to resolve the situation. Good luck!

God Gnu I can't imagine this going on for years. Must have been awful for you.

Viva, I'd do the same (keeping DD off), but I'd be telling the school exactly why she was off - she's too scared to go in.

If DD is off can't she be there for the carpet fitter? I'd worry that next week would be too late and your DD won't want to go back until this is resolved.

See what the HoY says this morning, and definitely talk to your relative. In times like this I don't think normal convention applies. Good luck.

Well I'm hoping to be able to have a good chat with hoy over the phone so not sure if I can do that what the benefit of going in would be??? I know when there's been problems in the past we've just talked over the phone.

I daren't leave dd at home with carpet fitters and the dogs incase the dogs bite the carpet fitter. Actually I could take the dog in the car with me so yes I could go in.

Dh is furious and wants to see the headmaster.

I've made a list of points I want to say about,

The fact these girls are spreading it over school when they've been told not to. Dd has told hoy this alread and apparantly HOY said to dd "well you told x about it after been told not to talk about it". Yes dd told one person but felt she needed to talk to someone whereas these girls are telling everyone in the year.

The fact the girls read messages not about them, really personal stuff and are now throwing that in dds face and telling a boy that they've found out dd likes this boy, etc.

The fact that the girls were then whispering in class to the girls dd is now sharing a room with on the trip and these girls then got up and asked the teacher to not let dd in their room. So it looks like there was direct encouragement from them.

Then about the HOYs assistant telling dd off for contacting/hassling the main girl when she hasn't done.

This main girl has been trying to freeze dd out for months, telling her she can't come to the cinema, etc. so I don't know why she then acts so amazed that dd has slagged her off on social media.

It is bullying isn't it? I know the school are going to try and say it's a little falling out.

Speak to HOY today and drop in the fact that you will be speaking to the governors about the bullying that is going on with your DD as the victim

(I'd forgotten you had dogs, sorry, I can see why that would be a problem)

It is definitely bullying, I'd say that was pretty clear cut. It's like a smear campaign against your DD. The 'ringleader' is clearly trying to turn people against your DD - and because they are kids they are going along with it. As adults we generally have the balls to stand up and say "hold on, that's not right" out loud, and the intelligence to see it for what it is, but kids don't. That's why we need to do it for them - if the HoY can't see that then he's failing, and certainly shouldn't be in a leadership position.

If you think you can get your annoyance etc over by phone then go for it. I'm not as good on the phone, I get tongue tied so in person would be better - body language is a powerful tool.

I'd also be tempted to write everything down in an email, send it to the HoY telling him you need to meet/phone and discuss every issue contained within - in case you forget something vital. It also helps to have a written record in case it escalates.

I really feel for you and your DD. My daughter has had this happen to her this year (she is year 10). Previously nice girls have been so bitchy about her and spreading lies. Of course everyone believes them.

DD doesn't stick up for herself because she says that no-one believes her.

"No social media or smart phones til they're 16 in our house."

I take it that your children aren't yet teenagers or are extremely confident and aren't bothered about keeping in touch with their friends. For DD not having any form of social media would be social suicide very isolating as her closest friends don't live locally. They have been her support network when things were bad.

I don't think you should let your DD stay off school. Sorry.

Well I've rung school and told the admin woman she's refusing to go in due to bullying. Apparantly it's put down as an unauthorised absence.

She will tell year office this morning. If I don't hear from them they'll certainly be hearing from me.

An 'unauthorised absence due to bullying' is far more damaging to the school than to your daughter - they'd be hard pressed to explain that to Ofsted!

You're right, I panicked when she said that!

Just got next week's school trip to get through which is weds-sat and then the girl who seems to be stirring it will be gone. Not sure if I'll send dd into school mon and tues.

I'm so glad the girl is leaving. That must be a relief for your daughter. She's braver than me still wanting to go on the trip though.

Your DD needs a plan in place for after the girl leaves though. Sounds like she has been spreading as much lies and hatred around that her influence will be long felt.

If she is not able to go to school with these girls at present, do not send her to Paris with them. She'll have a hellish time and the teachers will not be equipped to deal with it. They aren't even dealing with it at school.

Hmm, well I'm going to give a slightly different view:

Sending bitchy messages about people on social media, then using that social media on 'friends' phone and then giving it back to the friend without closing it down, sounds like a BIG mistake to make and one your DD is sadly paying for now.

It will be very hard and painful for her, and I'm sure we can all sympathise, as if people heard what I said to my DH about them occasioanlly it would be mortifying.

She's had her private bitching exposed, through a mistake she made, and now there is a fallout.

Asking a friend to close the account sounds like a 'filler fib' to minimise her own negligence tbh. I bet she just handed it back and forgot.

Yes in an ideal world other people should have averted their eyes to the messages when they saw it was her private account. But it's not an ideal world it's one where people are curious and nosey, particuarly once aware there was information there about themselves, you'd have to be the Dalai Lama to look away.

So a mortifying situation.

To the HOY this looks like an unpleasant row between girls created by social media. I can understand they'ev said not to discuss it in school to try to prevent it becoming any bigger.

If girls are spreading this row to other groups then yes HOY needs to deal with that directly.

I bet however that every parent of every girl in this group believes their DD to be 'wronged', and every parent will a story to illustrate 'how upset they've been.'

Every parents of a DD in a mean girl group sees their DD as the victim, but usually from outsiders perspective the victim moves around the group at difefrent times and girls join in with the ostracisation when they're not the victim. Unpleasant but true.

If these girls have form for this kind of fallout/drama/unpleasnatness I would be focusing on heling your DD to come to some decisions about who she wants to be friends with, what kind of person she is, and the kind of people she wants to associate with and be part of.

Help her weather the mortifying fallout from her mistake, and in the process move on from this nasty dynamic which she is currently choosing to be part of.

I've spoken to the HOY.

I'm slightly confused about the telling off by her assistant situation. Hoy says dd didn't leave it after being told to leave it and still messaged one of the girls.....but not the girl the assistant told her off about. I think there was a mix up on their part over which girl. I explained to HOY that dd and one of the girls had been chatting ok on social media two nights ago, so it was a two way thing. This girl then blocked dd and dd sent her two messages asking why. I realised and told dd to stop which she did. But that's hardly harassing anyone. I think hoy took that on board.

hOY is going to speak to them all again about spreading stuff about dd round the school and tell them it must stop. She was unaware of the situation of other girls asking that dd not be in their group after this ring leader had talked to them so is going to talk to them all about that.

bartholomew, I agree dd has fucked up big time and I've pointed out this situation is greatly down to her. If she hadn't said a horrible thing about this girl then none of it would have happened. She is adamant she only said a horrible thing in the heat of the moment after this girl was freezing her out....and there was a lot of that. Not being allowed to go to the cinema to see Maze Runner because she hadn't read the book, stuff like that. I certainly think she's learnt a lesson.

And HOY is going to talk to the trip leader and make her aware of the situation. Dd is adamant she wants to go still.

If I were you Viva, I'd try and dissuade my daughter from going on the trip with the school. I've been in that situation when I went on a European trip with my secondary school and I was picked on relentlessly during the tour that I was only too delighted to get home. I was picked on when on the coach, on the boat, in the dorms, all the time but it wasn't big style picking on, it would be little things. One of the times I was asleep and the others I was sharing a dorm (think of a big room in a youth hostel) with thought it would be funny to set a loud alarm clock and put it beside my head, reading to ring out about 5 minutes after they placed it there (giving them enough time to pretend to be asleep. When I felt them messing around near my head, I kept my eyes closed and waited until they scarpered and then was able to disable the alarm clock before it rang out but the repetitive nature of the picking on me was tantamount to bullying and I just wish my parents had stepped in sooner to sort out these wenches! They were awful to me. I wanted to be out of that school sooner than you could imagine and didn't make any long term 'friends' during my entire secondary schooling.

You mentioned that you've spoken with the Year Head but I wouldn't be happy with them 'having a talk' with the ring leaders or any of the other girls. These girls have behaved dreadfully towards your DD. Yes your DD posted something on social media but it was supposed to be a private message and not something that was posted to a Facebook wall or out in a public Tweet. It's like someone opening a letter that wasn't addressed to them and making the contents of that letter public knowledge.

I don't know how you, and more importantly your DD, would want this sorted. It is definitely bullying. Even allowing for the fact that your DD was still logged in on this 'friend's' phone, they had no business reading her private communications. When they did read the private communications, they crossed a line. When they communicated these private communications to other people, they crossed a line. When they excluded your DD from sharing a room on a school trip, they crossed a line. When they got their Year Head involved in what was a classmate issue, they crossed a line.

Definitely get this sorted. Don't let your daughter go to school until this is sorted but ask her what she would like to see come out of this. Ask to see the school's social media policy and anti-bullying policy while you're at it and see how they are going to tackle this head on.

Sorry that my response is so long. I feel for your DD and can't believe that girls can be as bitchy as this.