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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Is it normal for girls to be so shy about their bodies?

36 replies

Dancergirl · 04/02/2015 23:09

Dd1 is 13.5. She was quite an early bloomer and started developing at 10 or so, first period at 11 and a quarter. I bought her her first bras around this age at my suggestion but she seemed to accept she needed one. She wouldn't let the assistant fit her though but was happy to let me come into the changing room with her with a variety of sizes.

Since then I've tried to keep on track with buying her new ones and bigger sizes but its becoming more and more taboo with her. It's got to the point now where I can't even mention anything about bras without her clamming up or changing the subject.

A few months ago she asked me if she could wear a minimiser bra. I was surprised but said I didnt know if they came in her size. She's not huge btw and her figure is in proportion imo. But she dances a lot so maybe she's noticed a lot of dancers are quite flat chested. Anyway we both sort of forgot about it and she hasn't mentioned it again.

Even though she doesn't let me see her undressed and I completely respect that, I had a feeling she could probably do with a bigger size. So the other day I bought her some new bras one cup size bigger and left them on her bed to try in privacy. So she's stuffed them in her cupboard untried.

I do worry a lot about her as she's a very closed book generally and I often can't tell what's going through her mind. I want to balance being there for her and listening to her but also respecting her privacy. But sometimes I just don't know how to talk to her as she just clams up and I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. It seems like she doesn't like her new body but looking back, I didn't want boobs at 13 either.

OP posts:
Rummikub · 04/02/2015 23:13

Yes I'd say so. I try not to be body conscious in front of my dd and she often comes into the shower room while I'm in there to chat.

StayGoldPonyBoy · 04/02/2015 23:21

I was like that, I shared a room with my sister and would dress and undress in the bathroom and wear full pyjamas in the middle of summer. I grew out of it and she grew into it, then back out of itGrin It's not something that can be helped. I think it's normal. I didn't want my mum talking about my boobs because she's my mum Shock and I'd slink off in the supermarket and hide tampons in the trolley rather than pick some up on the way past with her. Just give her time.

chocoluvva · 04/02/2015 23:33

My DD would always insist I leave the room if she was trying something on at that age too. She doesn't have big boobs btw. She was quite embarrassed about tampons too.

I felt like I'd failed, but she is much less shy and embarrassed now that she's a bit older.

Original poster
Dancergirl · 04/02/2015 23:43

Thanks, it's hard to explain, I don't think it's the actual shyness that I'm worried about, it's this feeling that she doesn't like her body and is unhappy.

Whats the best way to handle the bra situation? Ask her if she's tried them and if they fit ok?

OP posts:
Rummikub · 04/02/2015 23:47

I would just check once then leave it maybe?

I'm not sure about what to suggest for not liking her body :(

TurnOverTheTv · 04/02/2015 23:52

I haven't seen my 14.5 yo fully undressed for at least two years. My 10.5 yo is just starting to get sneaky about changing. I'm always walking around fully nude and they never ask me to cover up! She'll grow out of it.

BackforGood · 04/02/2015 23:52

I think extreme shyness is a phase many, many teen girls go through - I don't think it's 'not liking their body' - it's just insecurity about all the changes, and about being 'different' if they develop earlier or later than a couple of their friends.

Mrsjayy · 05/02/2015 16:00

Boobs were a no no when mine were that age dd1 especially I had to guess when they needed new bras and don't even think about asking them to get measured I don't think your dd is ashamed of her body though just be gentle which im sure you are don't push anything

Mrsjayy · 05/02/2015 16:01

Yes just ask her if they fit ok not to tight or loose

SunnyBaudelaire · 05/02/2015 16:04

My dd loves her body and is always going on about how she looks like Lara Croft. Still incredibly private and shy though, I think this is just normal.

LillyEvans · 05/02/2015 16:11

I remember when my mum first suggested I might need a bra soon. I was so embarrassed and upset that she'd mentioned it. I think that is quite normal. Changing body shape and all the hormones makes for quite a stressful time.

I do wonder about the minimiser bra though. Especially if she isn't that big. If she hasn't tried on the bras in bigger cup sizes maybe she is finding it harder to deal with than a lot of girls. It might be harder for her being an early bloomer, she might feel more normal when all her friends get there.

Maybe just ask her if she's tried on the new bras. Say you want to know if you've got the size right. I agree with the others saying don't push the subject too much, or she will probably clam up even more. Sorry I don't have much advice.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 05/02/2015 16:13

If she's 13.5 she's really old enough to be trying and buying bras for herself. Why not explain how to measure herself properly - use the bra intervention threads on here NOT the old fashioned way - then take her into M & S (depending if she needs a wider range of sizes) or wherever and offer to pay for some new bras up to £x.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 05/02/2015 16:16

If she does a lot of dance and her boobs are well developed it might be hurting her a bit, or feeling out of control in the boob dept. She might be better off in a sports bra - or I've done a quick google and there are "dance bras" which I imagine are similar but a bit prettier.

Mrsjayy · 05/02/2015 16:17

Tbf the dd is shy she would probably die a death if her mum suggested marks and spencers measuring and trying on

Mrsjayy · 05/02/2015 16:20

Sports bra would be good functional and no fuss dd1 gets her sports bras from sports direct I was thinking if she is a dancer she might be seeing other girls bodies not quite developed as hers if the costumes are fitting iyswim

Claybury · 05/02/2015 18:01

Second the sports bra idea. DD loves underwear and buys herself pretty bras but I gave her some old sports bras of mine and I was surprised she really likes them and finds them comfortable. They do sort of compress so yours might like them.

Cocodale · 05/02/2015 18:07

I would say yes in my experience particularly between 12 and 15ish, overnight I then found myself telling my eldest dd to cover up!!

Original poster
Dancergirl · 05/02/2015 20:08

Thank you all so much, I feel reassured! I just worry about her a lot because she is so different from my middle dd - if she's upset everyone knows about it and why! She's much easier to read. Older dd keeps a lot of stuff to herself and I totally accept that's how she is and I don't want to pry or pressure her to talk....I just worry if she's unhappy about something she won't talk to me.

I will check out sports bras and dance bras.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dancergirl · 05/02/2015 20:13

I've found something by Dans-Ez called the minimal bounce bra which looks like a crop top but is obviously more supportive. Might be worth a try and comes in s,m, l, xl sizes so no second guessing cup sizes. Found a couple of other styles on Dance Direct too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dancergirl · 05/02/2015 21:06

Conversation with dd this evening:

Me: Have you tried on that new leotard?
Dd: yes it's a bit small, can I change the size?
Me: ok. Did you try the bras?
Dd: NO!
Me: Are you going to?
Dd: I DON'T KNOW!
Me: I was looking at their dance wear website, they do some crop top style bras if you'd prefer...
Dd: Why?
Me: errmmm.....

Arrgghh! This is what I mean about walking on eggshells. I don't feel I can bring it up with her again yet I need to return the bras if she doesn't want them.

OP posts:
ElephantsAndMiasmas · 06/02/2015 14:47

That's awkward, but I don't think you should be out of pocket on stuff she can't use just because she's being a bit ridiculous about it. Maybe you could leave a note on her bed/bedside table when it's close to the deadline for returning them saying "Hi DD, I need to take the clothes I bought you back by Saturday if they don't fit, so please let me know if you're not using them by Friday x" or whatever. And then if she doesn't, bring it up again on Friday (or whenever).

Original poster
Dancergirl · 06/02/2015 14:56

Thanks elephants I did think possibly of a non verbal way of communicating with her! I even thought of sending her a text!

Her old bras are a D cup and these new ones are a DD cup. Maybe she didn't like the idea of a bigger cup size, although I am pretty sure her old ones must be too small by now. It's important to wear the right size isn't it? But I suppose I can't force the issue and it's up to her.

OP posts:
LeBearPolar · 06/02/2015 15:06

My niece is 14 and entirely responsible for her own underwear - she has a monthly allowance and shops for what she needs in terms of bras, pants, tights, socks. SIL still goes shopping with her for other clothes.

Would an arrangement like this work with your DD or would she just not even buy her own? Because if so, it does sound as if she is denial about/resisting her changing shape.

Original poster
Dancergirl · 06/02/2015 15:11

I think dd would feel very uncomfortable buying bras in a shop. She might be ok shopping online though. It does sound like she's in denial Sad Although having said that, I was discussing periods with dd2 who is just 12 and might start soon. Dd2's a bit worried about the whole thing and dd1 was very reassuring to her, telling her it's fine and you soon get used to it. Dd1 actually took starting periods in her stride and tells me when she needs more towels etc.

OP posts:
ElephantsAndMiasmas · 06/02/2015 18:29

I don't know, she might be sensitive about her boobs - e.g. have you thought that she might get a lot of comments on them at school as they're quite big for her age? Does she tend to wear more revealing clothes or try to cover them up?

Or, she might just feel like you GO ON about them and it's SO EMBARRASSING. In which case a note saying "I need to know by X, put them back on my bed if you don't want them" should do it.

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