Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Feeling guilty about 15 year old and house move

39 replies

Faithless · 29/01/2015 21:21

I did start to write a long and rambling back story but it was so long and tedious I've had to summarise so sorry if it seems like there's a drip feed. It's still a long post!
My DP and I are planning on moving in together and getting married. Because of a money related turn of events (tedious back story) we have had to bring this forward - his house sold quickly and for the asking price. I'm going to rent mine out. My DCs are doing a levels and gcses this year and I want to avoid disruption to them at this important time. This means, wait until exams are completed before we move which means putting off his buyer somehow for around 6 months or trying to find something mega quickly close to the school DS goes to ( expensive area). My DP can't go in temp rented accom as he needs to port his mortgage or lose around £6k, and I also need to go on the new mortgage if we are to get a place big enough for all of our 4 DCs (his 2 are primary school age).
My DS (15) is dead against this. He wants me to wait another 2 years until he goes to uni and moves out but this is not financially viable. I can understand his point of view totally, we have Only lived here for a year and the place before that, only 2 years ( we left there due to my ex and I splitting up, not DCs dad). The place we are in now is very close to his friends and the places they hang out and we may have to move to a cheaper area a few miles away due to us needing a larger house.
I've explained that his life and friendship groups will change when he starts college but he wants to stay close to his friends. He is also saying that the potential move is making him resent my DP (who is a lovely, kind man) and his DCs ( who adore my older, "cool" DCs) . At the moment they all get on well, we've been on holiday together, numerous sleep overs and the 6 of us seem to rub along ok. My DD 17 is ok with the potential move as she is independent, her friends live all over and she's off to uni in sept anyway.
I can't let DS dictate what happens in major life decisions like this but I feel so bad for uprooting him again and guilty for stressing him out with this on top of the pressure he's under with GCSEs. I've listened to him and sympathised and tried to
point out the positives (bigger room, better broadband etc) but he's upset and dead against the prospect of moving.
I know no one will have a magic wand to fix this but I would appreciate hearing from anyone who's been in a similar situation, moved house with a teenager into a step family... or any advice really.
Thank you for listening!

OP posts:
mummytime · 29/01/2015 21:34

I think you are going to have to work on compromises. Can you 15 year old commute from the new area? Do you have a house in mind even?
If not could he lodge with a friend during the week?
Don't move his school at this point if you can avoid it. Do whatever you can not to disrupt this.
Does he have a college place for next year?

How long have you been with this new partner BTW

Original poster
Faithless · 29/01/2015 21:52

You're right, it is about compromise.
He definitely won't be moving schools. The most likely scenario is that we put off the buyer until after exams. There is also a possibility of commute which he doesn't want as he's used to walking about 20 mins to school. Staying in in easy distance is also possible but this means a more expensive area and longer distance for the younger children's school.
We've been together for 15 months.

OP posts:
AgentProvocateur · 29/01/2015 21:53

I think it's a bad idea to make him move - huge repercussions that could fuck up his exam results. Could he stay with a friend? We had an extra teen for a couple of years when his dad was in a similar situation.

AgentProvocateur · 29/01/2015 21:55

Sorry - I've completely misunderstood. I though he'd have to move schools, but I see that's not the case. Please disregard my previous suggestion!

Original poster
Faithless · 29/01/2015 21:56

Also yes he does have a college place which he won't need to give up. It's a good college out of our area and he would have to commute about 45 mins on the bus even if we stayed where we are. Most of his friends aren't going there either.

OP posts:
Original poster
Faithless · 29/01/2015 21:58

That's ok agent! Thanks for trying to help.

OP posts:
Finola1step · 29/01/2015 22:08

I can really sympathise with your ds. He's had a huge amount of change and moving around over the past 3 years or so. His friends mean an awful lot to him right now.

That said, he can not force you to put on hold long term plans. I think there is going to have to be some compromise somewhere. Your DP has had a good offer. It may well be that he has to go into rental for a year even if it does mean losing money.

Or there is old fashioned bribery. What would he really, really want? Money in a savings account towards driving lessons? Or one of those "before your 17" driving courses?

Eastpoint · 29/01/2015 22:11

Could he move in with his dad or a relative?

Original poster
Faithless · 29/01/2015 22:20

Eastpoint, his dad lives too far away with 3 step children and no space and my family live about 40 miles away otherwise I'd go with that. I'm very much the adult he relies on, it's always been this way.

Bribery has worked before! He did suggest a puppy might make things easier ...I don't think my cats and DP's dog would agree, and he can't take it with him to uni. I'll mention the driving thing and see what response I get, thanks!

OP posts:
Eastpoint · 29/01/2015 22:23

Oh goodness a puppy would be too high a price!

Original poster
Faithless · 29/01/2015 22:31

There's no easy solution to this, either DS will be unhappy for a while or we're going to lose money we can't afford. I'm going to sit down with DP at the weekend and explain how torn I feel and see what we can pull out of the hat.
I think I've felt guilty about something pretty much every week since I first gave birth nearly 18 years ago!

OP posts:
Eastpoint · 29/01/2015 22:37

You must be doing mothering right then Grin

Finola1step · 29/01/2015 22:38

Oh, go lower than a puppy.

husbanddoestheironing · 29/01/2015 22:41

Years ago when we did similar we managed to agree with my mortgage lender that if I paid the penalty temporarily and then took the same one out again within a fixed period (a year I think) then they would refund it. Might be worth an ask if you haven't already?

Original poster
Faithless · 29/01/2015 22:46

Oh wow HDI I'll look into that, thanks.
I didn't even consider that might be an option.

OP posts:
Original poster
Faithless · 29/01/2015 22:48

Thanks eastpoint, that's nice to hear Smile

OP posts:
husbanddoestheironing · 29/01/2015 22:50

Good luck!

foreverdepressed · 30/01/2015 07:41

My parents moved us around a lot as kids and as well as contributing to failing at school it really left me feeling very unsettled as a person for a very long time, right into my 20s.

It sounds as though you have already moved him twice in 3 years. You also mention at your previous house you lived with your EX who was not DC father, so a succession of different men in their life as well. Now you want to move again in a hurry for 'financial reasons'.

Some things are more important than money and I think you should find a compromise that doesn't involve uprooting the whole family for your benefit only.

Jinglebellsarenearlyhere · 30/01/2015 07:56

Mmmmmmm you are not moving him from his school aka friends -one of the most important things to a teen. I'm sure he knows you would do your upmost to enable him to carry on his social life and the longer commute is just logistics. I wonder if his resistance is actually about other things that a teen he can't / won't express. The obvious one being the step family moving in. If it was me I would take him out and get him to talk. Start with logistics and ask for his help in brainstorming solution, try to move the conversation into feelings and see where it takes you. From my personal history we moved around a lot and it was hard but I survived as I had the love of my parents and knew it. that's all a child in the ultimate end needs. Practical thing - a friend in this situation opened a taxi account with a local trusted firm so that his so could hang out after school but get home safely.

nequidnimis · 30/01/2015 07:57

I'm trying to understand the chronology, but think you're saying that you moved a year ago after splitting up with a partner?

If so, I also have huge sympathy with your DS and think that he is probably feeling very unsettled and anxious. Could he be worried about what will happen if this relationship fails, and be using the 'school and friends' thing as an excuse?

How long have you and DP been together?

Mumtotherescueagain · 30/01/2015 08:16

The OP has been with the partner 15 months. I have to say I sympathise with the ds too. There's his dad, there's the last ex and now there's the new partner. It's a lot of change and this latest move is entirely about you OP isn't it? It's about your life and what works for you.

Tbh I would be telling your dp to port his mortgage to a house he can afford alone and stick with it for two years till ds is ready to go to uni THEN move in together.

MissLivvy · 30/01/2015 08:33

Agree with the last few posts. There will be time in the future to concentrate on adult relationships - but when your children are still children, they should be a mother's priority.

Original poster
Faithless · 30/01/2015 10:02

Spoke to DP last night, we are going to try the delayed port mortgage thing and he will stay some of the time with his brother, some of the time with me until DS is at college. Unfortunately this means that his stuff and many of the little one's toys will have to go into storage. This is a shame as he had the family home, most of their stuff is there and there's not much space at their mum's either. There's no spare room at mine or the bro's so they will have to "camp" - again that's tricky given the shared custody situation. Compromise I suppose.

The back story to the financial situation is to do with redundancy and an industry based around employing the young and malleable ( we are mid 40s). So will involve some re training which the mortgage company aren't prepared to wait for.
My DC's dad and I split up amicably when they were 4& 6 and I stayed in the family home. I was with my previous partner for 7 years (he didn't have children) but we only lived together for 3 of those and were only living together in house no 2 for a few months, the majority of the time I was on my own with the 2 DCs. I was happy being a single mum and have always been the parent who did the bulk of their upbringing on my own, parents eves, homework,discipline etc all just me. However unexpectedly I fell in love with a great man who has 2 fab
little kids. Not part of the plan, but I don't think it's a negative element.

OP posts:
Original poster
Faithless · 30/01/2015 10:29

Also DP can't port mortgage on his own despite having a shitload of equity in his house, my salary is needed along with evidence of a tenant for my house as there is a minimum (!) value placed on any house he ports his mortgage to. He cant get a mortgage on his own because he's been made redundant and is not in full time work at the moment. As I said in OP the back story to us thinking of bringing the move together forward is long and tedious. So if he goes it alone it will involve staying with the brother indefinitely and no proper home for DCs.

OP posts:
Malabrig0 · 30/01/2015 10:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Swipe left for the next trending thread