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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Feeling guilty about 15 year old and house move

39 replies

Faithless · 29/01/2015 21:21

I did start to write a long and rambling back story but it was so long and tedious I've had to summarise so sorry if it seems like there's a drip feed. It's still a long post!
My DP and I are planning on moving in together and getting married. Because of a money related turn of events (tedious back story) we have had to bring this forward - his house sold quickly and for the asking price. I'm going to rent mine out. My DCs are doing a levels and gcses this year and I want to avoid disruption to them at this important time. This means, wait until exams are completed before we move which means putting off his buyer somehow for around 6 months or trying to find something mega quickly close to the school DS goes to ( expensive area). My DP can't go in temp rented accom as he needs to port his mortgage or lose around £6k, and I also need to go on the new mortgage if we are to get a place big enough for all of our 4 DCs (his 2 are primary school age).
My DS (15) is dead against this. He wants me to wait another 2 years until he goes to uni and moves out but this is not financially viable. I can understand his point of view totally, we have Only lived here for a year and the place before that, only 2 years ( we left there due to my ex and I splitting up, not DCs dad). The place we are in now is very close to his friends and the places they hang out and we may have to move to a cheaper area a few miles away due to us needing a larger house.
I've explained that his life and friendship groups will change when he starts college but he wants to stay close to his friends. He is also saying that the potential move is making him resent my DP (who is a lovely, kind man) and his DCs ( who adore my older, "cool" DCs) . At the moment they all get on well, we've been on holiday together, numerous sleep overs and the 6 of us seem to rub along ok. My DD 17 is ok with the potential move as she is independent, her friends live all over and she's off to uni in sept anyway.
I can't let DS dictate what happens in major life decisions like this but I feel so bad for uprooting him again and guilty for stressing him out with this on top of the pressure he's under with GCSEs. I've listened to him and sympathised and tried to
point out the positives (bigger room, better broadband etc) but he's upset and dead against the prospect of moving.
I know no one will have a magic wand to fix this but I would appreciate hearing from anyone who's been in a similar situation, moved house with a teenager into a step family... or any advice really.
Thank you for listening!

OP posts:
Artandco · 30/01/2015 10:46

A year is quiet a short time to be buying houses together surely?

nequidnimis · 30/01/2015 12:11

It sounds like the shared-ownership plan suits your DP more than you by some considerable margin, and agree with those who recommend separate finances at this relatively early stage of your relationship.

I think your DS should see you putting him first, and that you should hang fire on buying a home together until DS leaves home. If you expect to spend a lifetime together then two years living separately is nothing.

It's a shame your DP can't afford a home for himself and his children. What would he have done if he hadn't met you? What happens to other people who are made redundant but don't have family to take them in? It's a genuine question because I don't know, but suspect he should investigate his entitlements.

And please don't make your DS feel guilty - if he thinks it's his fault that DP's children are homeless, or without their toys etc then he'll give in, but with lasting damage to your relationship .

Viviennemary · 30/01/2015 12:17

It must be very unsettling for a 15 year old to be uprooted and moved away from his friends. I think you should try and avoid this at all costs. Hope things work out. Your DS has been through his parents splitting up and now he must move again. No I'm afraid I think this is unfair.

TenMinutesEarly · 30/01/2015 12:19

I have read the thread but might have missed it. Why can't you move into your dp's current house and rent yours out?

Pengyquin · 30/01/2015 12:22

Hmm. Ok. My folks moved house when I was 15. (I'd done my GCSES though).

I started 6th form 300 miles away from all my friends and boyfriend.

It was the best thing that ever happened to me! Loved my new college, my new independence, being able to start afresh etc.

So it doesn't have to be a bad thing.

However, I didn't have all the other drama going on. In kid terms, 2 years is a long long time. In adult time, it really isn't. Is this something that can wait?

OutragedFromLeeds · 30/01/2015 12:59

Have I missed why DP can't just move in with you in your current home?

Faithless · 30/01/2015 13:09

Dp's current home is too small and although extremely handy for his DCs' school, not at all handy for a commute to my DC's school and college and my job. I guess without me he would have to move in with his brother or rent and claim housing benefit when eligible.

I haven't discussed the impact on the smaller children with DS at all, I'm not and won't make him feel responsible for any decision making whatever happens. I guess before this thread I was looking at the positives of the move - I was brought up within a happy step family from aged 15 when my mum re-married my stepfather who she'd know for only a year (sadly he died last year after 28 years of marriage to my mum). I hoped my DS would have, for the short time I'll still have him at home, a chance to see a happy relationship modelled by myself and DP, along with the little 'brother' and dog he's asked me for his entire life and a great male role model in DP.

I've always been a very cynical, independent person, proud of the way I've coped as a single parent. This thread has made me think I've maybe gone a bit 'Waltons" in the past few months, imagining this big happy family disney family living happily ever after.

OP posts:
Faithless · 30/01/2015 13:28

Oh sorry I mis read Outraged's question, he can move in with us and it's an option we are considering but there wont really be room for us all to live comfortably. My DP has shared custody of his DCs but is the primary carer in many ways. His DCs' mum is nice but has a very chaotic life and has made some bad decisions (it's not appropriate for me to go into the details, like I've got room to talk!) and DP does major things like dentist appointments, dealing with school and major decisions around DCs. They've always had their home with DP rather than being visitors at his so would need some adjusting to "camping" at mine regularly. They do sleep over about once a fortnight already though.

OP posts:
Mumtotherescueagain · 30/01/2015 13:52

Is there any scope for expanding your house? Conservatory at the back for extra play space, convert 1/2 an internal garage in to an office or den and/or put in a loft extension. DP can plough his equity in to that, camp at his brother's whilst work is done and everybody is happy(ish)

OutragedFromLeeds · 30/01/2015 13:53

Would your DD be open to DP's DC 'borrowing' her bedroom when she is away at uni? That way they could at least have a bedroom most of the time?

Him living with you would be a good trial run for living together without having to uproot DS and commit to DP financially.

Faithless · 30/01/2015 14:10

My place is already extended (before I moved in) 3 bed from 2 bed so there's only a small garden left, no garage it's an end terrace.

DD is open to her room being borrowed Outraged, the little ones already stay in her room when she's staying over with friends. She's an absolute love, very laid back about it. On a couple of occasions DP and his DCs have all slept in my bed and I've got in with DD in her double bed, but obviously this isn't great. She says my breathing annoys her!

DP just called and we spoke about this and how we could potentially find storage for some of his DC's toys and where we would keep their clothes. It would be overcrowded at mine (3 up, 3 down) and we'd probably need to send my DCs to their Gran's sometimes when they're on study leave when the noisy younger 2 are around but I think we'd all cope. As I mentioned in my OP, we do actually all get on and have a good laugh when we are all together. Which I think is what has influenced the emergence of my "Waltons/ Disney" side Hmm

OP posts:
OutragedFromLeeds · 30/01/2015 14:29

Have a trip to IKEA. That always inspires me re. storage Grin.

Jinglebellsarenearlyhere · 30/01/2015 14:38

And Pinterest is your friend for ingenious storage ideas

OutragedFromLeeds · 30/01/2015 14:40

And maybe use them moving in to prompt a major clear out. That way when you do eventually move you'll have less stuff to pack up Smile. It's win win!

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