A thread for those with anxious sad teens who won't go to school

[CowboyJoeFromMexico]

Starting a new thread about this for us with anxious or depressed teenagers who can't go to school. Come and be sad, frustrated and not judged with us here.

I have very bright 13yr old who has crippling anxiety and just cannot go to school. She is dyspraxic, there is no bullying, she's very alternative and different but the other kids accept her.

Way too interested in tumblr and angsty online stuff, I lack the balls to take her phone away as I can't cope with 12 hours of screaming and tears. It's the only thing that stops her feeling anxious she says. She is so miserable and full of self loathing and it's heartbreaking.

I'm not a parent, but I'm 17 and I felt compelled to post this as I have been through very similar experiences myself in the last couple of years, and to share my experiences as reassurance that it does get better.

When I was 13 I was bullied at school, and eventually everything just came to a massive climax and I refused to go to school for almost all of Year 9 and quite long periods of time in Year 10, and locked myself in the house at these periods of time. I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression at the time, and everything you have wrote in your OP could basically have applied to me four years ago. In the end, I just got fed up of sitting at home and realized just how much worse it was making me feel, to be so isolated and away from my friends. I just forced myself into school, and I'm not going to lie, it was difficult. I let all my teachers know, and slowly they became to realize what made my anxiety rise and we worked with this. I started horse riding just before I stopped going to school, and I also found that this helped me in both gaining confidence, and gaining a way of bringing myself away from the environment at home where I was just becoming more and more depressed. My school, although they had been very dismissive of me because I wasn't obviously struggling while in school, linked me with an amazing TA who fully understood anxiety having brought up a son with anxiety much like mine. Slowly (although it was difficult), I became more comfortable in school and sat my GCSE exams in Year 11. I am now in 6th form, and planning on applying for university later this year.Sometimes I still have moments when my anxiety is getting very high and I feel as if I can't cope, but now I have been taught coping methods and I know I have people who I can turn to. Recently, I was also diagnosed with dyslexia and dyspraxia, which I think were also a big issue for these years, as I didn't understand why I couldn't do what everyone else could do.

Please, please remember that things will get better. The best thing you can do is ensure that your teen knows that you are always there for them, and you will be there to 'fight their corner' when times get tough, maybe when others don't understand why things they take for granted are more difficult for some people, or the necessary support systems in school are not in place. When you are in the midst of all the anxiety and the upset, it is hard to see the light at the end of tunnel, but it is always there.

You should be very proud of your self Aphrodite.
I can only hope that my 12 yr old ds will eventually get the help he needs and goes back to school for all our sakes. I worry about his future and what will happen to us if he doesn't go.

So lovely to hear a story of hope. I've been gradually losing mine over the last 18 months! My DD 14 has missed so much school recently and I'm at a loss of what to do. She is seeing a private counselor as CAMHS have offered no support. I don't know whether she has depression or anxiety but she has major emotional problems which have made life a nightmare at home. At school they think I'm overstating things because she never causes any difficulty for them when she is there. All I want to do is support her but I am so out of my depth.

She is very academic, quite quirky and has a nice group of friends but is becoming more withdrawn and cutting herself off from any social life outside school (when she does go in) - I worry so much that she will end up with no friends and the emotional problems will get even worse. I never saw this coming and don't know if and when it will ever end.

Aphrodite, that is utterly heartwarming to read. Thank you so much for posting that.
Bowbear, your dd sounds very similar to mine. It's hard. No luck today getting her in.

Aphrodite, so good to hear a positive story, thanks for sharing.

I saw your other thread CowboyJoe while searching for anything to help me and my 14yrDD who is refusing school. It's been off and on for a long time but got worse after christmas and every day has been a battle. School gave us a home link worker last year but her tough tactics, spelling out how much worse things could get and threatening campus police etc, just don't work on DD.

Guidance at school is good, they've referred her to camhs, ed psych have been informed, there are concerns that she is showing ASD traits. I guess she always has done but it has never caused her problems. She's a quiet girl, really talented at art, chats to people at school but doesn't have friends she sees outside school.

She's clear nothing is actually wrong at school and when she does go she comes home happy but the mornings are hellish, hours in the bathroom and little things that go wrong in her eyes mean massive meltdowns. I just feel so bad for her and it is so so stressful for everyone. I tried to get her in for lunchtime today but eventually gave up. I'm self employed and falling behind in everything, her younger siblings are baffled.

Sorry, no great advice and I'm sorry others are going through similar, it's hard going

That is such a similar situation onlyoneboot - the days that DD does go to school her mood lifts but getting her there is getting harder and harder.

Camhs have also suggested ASD testing for DD - I am very hesitant whether it is the right thing to do the test. On one hand I don't want to label her and on my cynical days I worry that if she is classed as being on the ASD that it will become a reason/excuse to withdraw further. It is just so stressful - we can't plan anything because we just don't know what frame of mind she will be in. Her younger DB(4) is bewildered by her behaviour.

I know what you mean about tumblr etc Cowboy, and I sympathise with the difficulty in implementing sanctions as the fall out can be massive. We have recently managed to establish the internet being turned off at 11pm but taking her ipod/ipad we no longer do as she becomes so unstable. I know more than ever that she needs strong boundaries but I am so worried about what she will do when her mood changes.

Camhs have brought up asd in regard to my school refusing anxious, depressed DD also

Can I join? I have a dd 11 who has ASD and who will eventually school refuse because school is so difficult and the understanding she needs is pretty much non existent. She is in school for now but I'm unpopular for demanding adjustments to be made to help her cope. I've already had one TA removed who was quietly bullying her. I'm so sad for her as Primary was wonderful.
Please please don't see ASD label as a negative it's a signpost to getting proper support.

Reading everyone's posts is comforting in a sad way, my dd sounds like everyone else's. It's so difficult. Now she's missed so much school I can tell that she feels it's too hard to go back.

The teachers are sending her work and little encouraging messages and she's doing it at home. She hasn't wanted to see her real life friends for months, she says socialising is too exhausting.

I am also self employed and not able to take any new work on.

Just a thought, if anyone like me is worried about posting too much personal stuff and being identified, PM me with your email and I'll set up a group so we can all email each other.

That's reassuring re ASD assessment, insanity. A couple of well-meaning friends have advised me not to go looking for a diagnosis but from where I am it's a route to help that DD needs. She seems unable to express how she's feeling and what's
preventing her from getting to school. I wish I'd pushed for a referral sooner.

CowboyJoe, how long did the school leave it before they sent work home or did you ask for it?

Can I join? My eldest DS is 13 and has had anxiety problems from the run up to secondary school. We got a CAMHS referral last year and he has had 3 sessions with the counsellor. We thought it was making some inroads as one of his issues was that he would wake terrified every night and end up in bed with me. We seem to have broken that cycle and he's only had two, I think, nights when this has happened in the last four weeks.
Unfortunately, it all kicked off on Tuesday morning as i wasn't able to take him to school like I normally do and he has been off school since. He refuses to admit it is the anxiety which is stopping him and is adamant that he is physically ill. I got a grudging admittion this morning that feeling anxious does make him feel physically unwell and they may be linked.
I phoned CAMHS today and his counsellor phoned me back. She was really helpful and im feeling a bit more positive this evening. He is due to be seen by her tomorrow anyway and both DH and I will go along. Ive asked for some support for us too, as we are really struggling with this.
I veer between wanting to burst into tears because it's obviously he is upset and struggling and wanting to strangle him because im so frustrated. We have two younger DS and I feel guilt that they get sidelined because whenever we try and do anything as a family, it all revolves around Ds1.

Because of the Equality Act a diagnosis does give you and your child some protection tbh. I'm quite forceful and even though the school find me a pain they grudgingly do as I ask for fear of being accused of discrimination most likely.
Dd was diagnosed at two and I have a son also diagnosed and in college now so I suppose I've never known anything different really. I think the benefits of an early diagnosis has been that dd has been having support from her first days in nursery and I have learnt how to fight to get her needs met.
OnlyonebootI'm not surprised dd is struggling to express how she's feeling it's a communication disorder after all and understanding emotions is something that is difficult for them to understand and really difficult to teach. Dd had a lesson in anger management at school last week, she had no idea whether she had ever been angry or what it felt like
I think for girls secondary school seems to be a trigger for the ASD to come into focus. In Primary they are more protected I suppose and relationships with their peers are simpler. Girls are more able to fit in and copy their peers I think but then as they get older and interaction gets sophisticated thenthey begin to flounder. This book gives a good insight into how children with ASD experience school.

My younger child has ASD and DD has never been diagnosed. No one has ever flagged it as being a concern during school so far. I do wonder though.

Ds and dd are polar opposites tbh. They fascinated their paed because ds is stereotypical autism, challenging, struggles with interaction, rigid, obsessive and dd is passive, sociable, flexible and easygoing. No one outside of the diagnostic team has ever questioned that dd might have autism even though she has a diagnosis and ds's autism is obvious.

what many of you describe might not lead to a diagnosis of ASD especially for girls.

My DD was not diagnosed, but described as 'complex' with ASD traits (although some therapists disagreed she even had traits). . however, any information about the way their particular brain works, is helpful for making their lives easier in education and at home, so I would recommend ed tests like wisc4 and camhs assessments less for diagnosis, than understanding what treatment and support might help.

I found education reports more useful than camhs letters (and my DD was hospitalised for a time) for getting extra support at schools, in exams, and even for the LEA to change college and educational charities to support her.

If you suspect ASD traits, theres a few books re Aspergers girls which have information and advice.
www.tonyattwood.com.au/index.php/about-aspergers/girls-and-women-who-have-aspergers.

One thing I realised is that the world is pretty stimulating for my DD and she needs more quiet and alone time to cope and thats ok. She had learnt how to behave like us for so many years, so no-one realised how hard it was for her in everyday situations like shopping etc. I thought she was just shy.

I would say its really important to help them learn coping strategies for emotions through therapy, even when its difficult to engage, please stick with it and ask to change therapists if necessary, as my DD does use most of the strategies she has learnt.

I wish CAMHS support for you all had got better rather than worse over the last 4 years...

aphrodite, thank you for your words, especially your last paragraph which reminds us to hang on in there as it does get better . At this age, lots of bright teens are diagnosed with dyslexia and dyspraxia, often revealed by the demands of school work changing. If familes and kids are aware of this, there is help available for the extra stress school puts on you. so glad to hear you are feeling stronger. My DD too, is also doing well and is happy at university. Some days are still tough, but she has like you, learnt coping strategies which really help.

Yes CAMHs in our area is useless although ds and dd got their diagnosis through a multi disciplinary assessment through the CDC.I would always ask for a referral to a specialist diagnostic service if I didn't get the answers from CAMHs tbh. The Elizabeth Newson Centre in Nottingham is well regarded for the assessment of girls with suspected or traits of ASD.

Does anyone else feel like you're being bullied by them? My whole existence seems to be about stepping on egg shells, jumping thru hoops to try and keep her on even keel.

Yes felttip, so much. I can't say anything without her snarling at me that it's not her fault. I know it isn't but I wish she wasn't so unpleasant to us. She has the upper hand and knows it. I would love a bit of time away from all this but it's not happening.

Please remove access to Tumblr. I've dealt with this with a DD who had an eating disorder - it made it so much worse. People on there will validate the anxiety your children are feeling, they'll encourage them to not go to school/work/anywhere they don't want to.

Your kids might try and claim there's support on there, but it's not positive support that will help them get better - the atmosphere of the site is like competitive mental illness.

The fallout for removing access may be awful but it will help in the long run.

I am trying, Teenagers. But I think she will self harm or worse without the phone. I don't know.

I think because dd as a diagnosis then it's easier for me to see the anxiety rather than judging how she behaves tbh. Dd got home and had a huge panic attack the other day and I suppose it just drives home how difficult it is for her. Dd is a young 11 (well 12 in a couple of weeks) and so social media doesn't really feature at present.
I tend to take a softly softly approach because annoyance from me would top up her anxiety so I don't rise to the bait and give a lot of leaway. It's obvious though that school provokes her anxiety because in the holidays she's back to her pleasant self again.

Absolutely Felttip! I have a permanent knot in my stomach wondering what the next episode will be. I am so frustrated with her completely disregarding anything I say and then feel so guilty as I really don't know if her behaviour is within her control. Some days I could just walk out the door and run a million miles away.

DS, 13, refused secondary a lot in first year and missed loads. Really stressful for all concerned. He couldn't cope with the transition from primary to secondary and struggled to make friends. School guidance team have been brilliant and very helpful. He is doing better now, attends most of the time and seems to be making friends although he still won't go to any clubs or do activities of go to any other kids houses etc. But it is improving. There is hope.