A thread for those with anxious sad teens who won't go to school

[CowboyJoeFromMexico]

Starting a new thread about this for us with anxious or depressed teenagers who can't go to school. Come and be sad, frustrated and not judged with us here.

I have very bright 13yr old who has crippling anxiety and just cannot go to school. She is dyspraxic, there is no bullying, she's very alternative and different but the other kids accept her.

Way too interested in tumblr and angsty online stuff, I lack the balls to take her phone away as I can't cope with 12 hours of screaming and tears. It's the only thing that stops her feeling anxious she says. She is so miserable and full of self loathing and it's heartbreaking.

Ladies, please help me grow a pair and stick to my guns. Told her no more phone at night and she has literally gone beserk. She said she was awake until 6am and couldn't sleep and claims only the phone helps her sleep. Which isn't true.

I am tired and worn down and she is loud and articulate and outraged. Managed ten minutes at school in two weeks. Claims her anxiety is not linked to being online all the time. I feel she will attack me or self harm when I take it off her.

I am trying to get back to work and am not coping. I can't leave her on her own because I'm scared of what she might do. I am crap.

You are not crap - this is unbelievably hard and there are no rules.
My 13DD has not been to school since Sept. I went through trying various permutations of no phone/internet/ computer etc. the more I withdrew her devices the more withdrawn she became and the more worried I got.
The key at the moment , I feel , is for the child to feel secure and loved so eventually the problems can start to be discussed and eventually some resolution found. Lines of communications need to be kept open even if it is only talking about mundane things or things they have seen on YouTube.
The eventually 'happy' medium her and I have agreed to is social networking sites only between the hours of 6pm and 9pm - the filters from my internet service providers allow me to block this and I can even do it remotely. I allow unlimited Kindle and Spotify access though I understand that these can also cause sleep problems. ( though I do have a total 24 hr block on Tumblr)
The key thing has been in the last few weeks she has started really talking to me about how she feels and how scared she was. She is no further forward in practical terms but I think this is a massive improvement from when she used to lock herself in the bathroom for 8 hours and not eat.
The phone had allowed her to keep some contact with her friends at least.

Please do not be so hard on yourself - it is very easy to feel that you have done something wrong., and I often feel judged. But in my better moments I realize my role is to love and help my daughter and not punish her.

Cowboy you are not crap! You are a loving, caring parent who is doing her best. Unless you have lived with a young person who is going through this kind of emotional conflict it is very easy to offer advice about boundaries and sanctions but the reality of enforcing them is a little more complex. Over the last year I have really struggled to manage DD behaviour because, like you I am so worried about her reactions which are a long, long way from the standard teenage strops and sulking.

We now have the internet turned off at 11 pm and in the daytime if she has refused school. I no longer remove her ipad/ipod as physically taking it away creates absolute mayhem but without internet she is limited to what she can do. I have also blocked tumblr as it was just feeding her emotional problems. Can you come to a compromise where she can have the phone for a pre determined period?

Do you have support for yourself? I have been referred for counseling by my GP which I have found really helpful as I was feeling more and more depressed and hopeless about everything. As hard as it is I know that everything is so precarious for DD at the moment and that if I am falling apart too then it becomes so much worse.

Good luck, I really do know how heartbreaking it is x

Thanks for the thread Cowboys, I've been meaning to join in but things at home have been tough and I haven't felt able to write anything down. Dd has had some dark days and we're all exhausted. It appears to have blown over again, yesterday and today so far have been easier.

The Tumblr thing - what are they reading on there exactly? I haven't really been able to get dd to show me - what she does show me is fairly typical teenage angst but nothing to overly worry me. Instagram is another sticking point here; she posts gloomy pictures and gets her opinions validated by others following her etc. We are standing firm with removal of the phone/laptop etc but dd is furious with us for this and has been physically violent towards us about it.
I need to know more about how to block access to certain sites and how to control times internet is available - any tips on how I do this? I'm a real dunce with technology.

I have done it through the website of my internet provider. I'm with Sky and it is on their website under Broadband Shield. I was a total novice as well, but the Sky website was really helpful. It's even possible to download an app and operate it remotely ! Much to DC's annoyance !
This should then cover all devices.
Tumblr for my DD seemed to involve re-posting of blogs about depression and suicide.
It's not easy is it.

I'll look into that, thanks. We're with BT but there should be similar controls accessible I suppose.

The other worry (thinking about us as a whole family) is who to talk to and confide in about the situation. I'm not finding it an easy subject to bring up and we're hiding it from most people. My parents know but my in-laws haven't got a clue and would, I imagine, struggle to believe it. A couple of close friends have also been told but other than the professionals that's it really.

Cowboy you are not crap at all. I had a scare this week as a note was put through door saying early intervention team had been round ( I was at work and ds with his dad) and if I didn't contact them within 24 hours ds would be reported as missing!! cue me panicking but after ringing them next morning and explaining our situation they were ok. I spoke to school and hopefully they will get back to me regarding work for him to do.
I have been ill myself recently which has meant that I haven't attempted to get him to school so now better I need to try harder whether it does any good or not as I just feel like a failure.
Everyone says they would read riot act and take stuff away until he went but they don't understand I can't physically get him out the house and that nothing at moment seems to make him want to go.
He isn't allowed laptop/ps3 during school hours and I still make him go to bed normal time in week but he doesn't sleep until early hours. His sleep pattern is all wrong.
He isn't really any bother in one way but when it comes to this its like hitting head against brick wall.

Hello all
Not much success this past week, just an hour in school. I have been emailing and going in every day to keep in touch and get more work. We have the CAMHS assessment this week. Dd will agree to anything to get out of a situation where she has to talk to people so will no doubt go along with all they say and not do it.

Struggling with my own health at the moment as I think stress has brought some things on.

Do you all tell grandparents and friends what is happening? My close friends know about the school refusal and emotional problems but I haven't really told family. They worry hugely if the slightest thing is wrong with the kids and then I worry about worrying them!

Deep breaths and hope we all have a better week ahead.

I decided to take the day off worrying today but it's not that easy, is it?!

DD not been in school at all last week and I can't quite believe we've got to this stage. CAMHS referral came through so will be phoning first thing tomorrow to set up appointment. School won't send work home, she's missed 2 weeks, they say it's a turning point they want to avoid.

I went in for a meeting this week and DD was meant to come but I couldn't get her there. It was good in ways to be able to explain exactly what was happening...I feel so guilty sometimes that I can't get my own daughter to school. Impressed with her guidance teacher though and she's going to visit DD at home next week if she's not in.

I'm realising that we're in it for the long haul and that I need to care of myself and make time for my other kids. For me that means sharing what's going on with friends and family and getting all the support I can. I ended up ill this week too and just finding it hard to think clearly about anything.

Half term here so 3 school free days...

How's everyone doing?

We've had a a good start to the week with dd going to school every day (late, but going in without too much fuss)
This morning we had a meeting with school staff and a member of staff from an intervention centre. It went quite well and actions were marked out, mostly getting dd to school but also other behaviour patterns. It was a lot to take in but dh and I felt positive afterwards, especially following on a few good days.
However as the day has gone on I've been feeling disheartened by it. It's easy to say we'll talk to dd and ask her to be up by 8 ready for school but we DO actually try all this with incentives already - I need to know what to do on those days she just WON'T/CAN'T get up, and I think we were on a little high this morning having achieved 3 consecutive days of school so therefore downplayed the situation when dd is furious or despondent or whatever mood her down days happen to take
so this evening I'm feeling low.

Hi
Thanks for this thread. I've been nodding in recognition as I read.

DS has been on and off (mostly off) school for the best part of three years since starting secondary, due to anxiety (OCD & fear of eating) and is repeating last year.

DD, two years younger, has chronic fatigue and has only been to school for a term. After so long at home, she's now really anxious too.

They 'go' to a grammar school (scholarships) so there's no one getting heavy with us. Done CAMHS. Done private psychologists we can't really afford. Don't really know where to go next.

It's heartbreaking.

Hi, I too have been nodding in recognition. My DD17 is in 6th form, so slightly different, as she could just pack it all in, like many others.

For the past 18 months, she's had weeks off from school; it usually follows a 4-5 week pattern, so PMT is an issue. She's always been a difficult child, but can be a delight too. She has many sensory issues, eating, noise, doesn't like physical contact, texture of both food and clothing (though none of this has been acknowledged by GP), and now when she's in one of low moods, she won't get out of bed, cries, doesn't eat, won't socialise, won't do any coursework.
The 6th form are aware of her issues and have been supportive, but they're also pushing the attendance and deadlines concerns. Part of me wants to wrap her up and tell everyone to back off, and the other part of me just wants to pull herself together and get on with it! (and I've had anxiety in the past!!)
She's started counselling sessions, goes to a holistic therapist, takes copious amounts of Evening Primrose and B6, and has now been prescribed beta-blockers. Nothing seems to help.
I'm sure you all know that awful feeling first thing in the morning, when you're thinking 'will she get up today?' - I'm even getting to a point where I want to say to 6th form, 'I realise she's behind, I realise she's perhaps going to wreck her chances of good A level grades, but right now, her mental health and well-being is more important!!!'
It's good to get all this down to people who actually understand - thank you.

Hi 3cats..I'm sorry you're going through the same emotions as the rest of us but hopefully there's comfort to be found in knowing you're not alone.

That "Will she get up today" or "which mood will I be met with today" is a huge stress in our house every (school) morning. I dread the first few hours of the day.

I dread a lot of things relating to dd and which mood she'll be in one hour to the next if I'm honest.

I'm feeling very low about it all this evening.

Hello everyone
Hugs and cake and strong drink for all. We are doing our best. Reading other people's posts is sad but also reassuring in a way. I really agree that I want to keep dd home and happy until she's better, but when?

We saw CAMHS this week and he was very good with her. Called me afterwards to say that she is (not stealth boasting here) extremely intelligent and operating way ahead of her years - she was discussing psychology with him - and he feels that she needs to try CBT. They talked about a plan with her which she hasn't followed.

We managed a few hours of school this week but a lot of this relies on me being able to encourage her in and walk her there, I have a horrible bug and vertigo and haven't been up to this the last two days. I feel that school are tutting at me but I can't stand up without wanting to throw up and no one else can do it.

It's nearly half term which is a relief but in the long term I don't know what will happen now. I can't force her to go in. I don't want to when she's crying and upset and shaking. But this is affecting my work and my health and all of us. The teachers keep telling me what an amazing future she will have if only she'll come back to school. I've even looked at the online high school but the cost is extortionate.

Keep talking everyone, we'll get there somehow.

Thanks Wellies, and to all of you, yes, we are doing our best!
So sad she has to deal with this, but so fed up of treading on bloody eggshells all the time, trying to second guess what mood she'll be in when I dare ask her a question.
I know you can't compare, but I'm surrounded by people who's teen DDs are 'thriving' and 'blossoming', working so hard at college, and 'loving every minute', and who all learning to drive, whilst working part-time and enjoying a constant stream of partying.
She should be doing that.

Anyway, it's half-term for me, so, bottle of Prosecco hiding the fridge, out you come!!
(and I work in a school, with kids, with problems!!)

cowboy - can your LEA help with learning at home ? many of DDs who are sensitive are also very bright. If you can help her do some sort of work at home while she is there,even an hour a day of subjects she enjoys. Also if school give you all her work - maybe get tutors for a couple of key subjects , which we did for a few weeks, jsut an hour a week. Also if you have letters from camhs, the LEA does need to discuss alternative ways to learn (we fought for a smaller college) as they are responsible until she is 16 to make sure she gets an education, at home or even in hospital. In our case keeping a little bit of learning going meant my DD was able to feel she could cope after missing nearly a year of gcses.....and she is now at Uni. She can have an amazing future with help and support, but maybe another environment which isnt this current school. good luck.

Definitely no phone at night after half nine , or kindle or laptop.

3 cats, I sympathise , although college are trying to motivate your DD into attendance, you know her best and if she needs more quiet time than others, and time out, I think its trying to find a balance which helps her make progress rather than stresses her into doing nothing, but I do agree with your last sentence, and maybe like my DD, if she has a goal of uni, she will find her way there, despite not seeming to take part conventionally . I wonder if she has seen an ed psych, who might assess help her get extra time in A level exams and beyond if she chooses to go to higher education. Paperwork from camhs, counsellors etc helps the school/college back off a bit. We would also do a bit of catching up at home during holidays with occasional tutor hours. good luck. My DDs attendance was pretty low in sixth form, but she managed enough to into her uni of choice, and year 1 at uni is much easier than sixth form in terms of pressure and attendance and all lectures are recorded, so she can catch up..

Anthropology - thanks for the advice; not seen an Ed Physc; but it's something to maybe discuss with her Head of 6th.
Her subjects are Art/Photography/ Computing, so are mainly coursework; it's the deadlines that stress her out, so, bury head in sand and pretend it's not happening!!

Thinking of those of you starting back at school after half term.

I'm not looking forward to the morning - despite us calmly laying now new rules for weekdays and school, dd has already announced there's no way she's going into school tomorrow Its been a relatively peaceful week, I can't really take the stress of school mornings any more.

I hope the rest of you have had positive weeks.

Am I the only one still enduring difficult times?

It's not been a great week for my dd, two days off school, one involving a full blown aggressive tantrum.
Yet, despite a reasonable day with her TODAY, Dh going out this evening has made me weepy at being left alone with her, I just find her company brings me down these days and I dread saying the wrong thing and her retreating back to her room.
Am I horrible for feeling like this?

Hello all, Wellies no you're not alone. I've been trying to manage work along with dealing with school, CAMHS and the teenager and not finding it easy at all.

She's gone in for a few sessions but had more time off than in. School are bending over backwards to get their golden girl back in and have basically taken all the subjects she doesn't want to do off her timetable. She's still not keen though.

Disclaimer: we all love our troubled teens but we are allowed to be negative here. I'm sick of every nice family time being dragged down when they suddenly feel they aren't getting enough attention. I'm fed up with friends boasting about their wonderful children. Mainly I'm pissed of with the "if that was MY child I'd give them a kick up the arse" commenting family and friends.

And if one more person suggests home educating I will scream. She's about ten times brighter than I am already. She corrects me when I make mistakes.

Anyway, this will pass. Beta blockers are marvellous by the way. For me not her.

Feel free to PM me if I'm not posting and you want a moan. X

Hi everyone - well, it's been a fairly good week here; mock A levels all week! The only blip was I got a call from school to say she hadn't turned up to one exam; my first thought was 'meltdown'. I contacted her and she'd "forgotten", thought it was another day! My relief of the fact she hadn't gone into meltdown far outweighed my annoyance of her poor organisation!! ??

Her mood is definitely better at the moment, with only a couple of bursts of PMT. I've been forcing Evening Primrose and high dose B6 into her since Xmas so not sure if that's made a difference?
I know this is probably a temporary reprieve, but I can't tell you the relief I get when I can see her bedroom light on in the morning (sure you all understand that!!)

can I join you?

ds (18) resitting AS levels he failed last year- got kicked out of his old sixth form college but found a new one. He was doing ok up till round about Christmas but the last couple of weeks he has not been into any classes at all

He gets so anxious he feels physically sick and often gets diarrhoea too. He does go into college on time, sometimes early. but then he has to go to the toiled because he thinks he'll be sick and misses the session

I am trying to make sure he keeps up with his work because of course things will be nearly impossible if he fails again

The college have been brilliant so far but it's very early days yet so I don't know hoe they will be if this drags on

The good bit though is that he is mature enough to agree that he spends to much time in his room and that it has become his safe place. So now I am making him stay downstairs until 9 every evening-he has moved his xbox downstairs, I'm not a complete monster lol- and so far it is working. He has to interact with the rest of the family, something he only normally does on holiday. He actually seems much happier at home- and everyone else is delighted, including his little brothers and sister who really love having him around

like I say- early days though