Delusions of Grandeur/daughter trying to be too Posh.

[azA99]

I'm sure this has happened to other people. Help!

My daughter switched to a sixth form with a different set of people and instantly started to try and keep up with the joneses. First of all, there was a school trip offered which I could barely afford, and which she didn't admit to me she could attend as a subsidised (ie poor) student - I suppose the stigma? I found this out later, after we'd got the money together & paid in full. To be fair, she worked for over £100 of this herself.

Technology and so on have been a problem, but she's got a weekend job now and has this under control so she could get the 'right' kind of phone, and she also has organised for herself the 'right' sort of clothes, bag, etc. She's about to turn 18, is saving her wages to throw a fancy party (!?!), and has asked me to pay for her flight for a holiday with these posh kids this summer as her present. She's saving for the remaining costs. So far, so good.

I've just found out the school are doing another trip abroad this year, and both myself and her dad can't contribute and she's telling me that this is shameful and she's upset. I pointed out that she could have had the birthday flight for the school trip and not the mates-holiday. They are a gang of kids who get this non-stop money from their parents. All year long. constant foreign holidays, festivals, phones, clothes, you name it - and none of them seem to work. She's the only one. I really feel for her, but her fury at trying to keep pace makes her very angry and often very snooty. I'm not ashamed of my income and my politics. How have others coped with this stuff? I just hold firm. I try not to start preaching about these families who can afford to (or who can justify) throwing this much money at their entitled young adults, or to recommend that she finds less spoilt friends. I've made this mistake and it made everything worse. This is the hardest part - wondering what on earth she sees in them. I know it must be painful to hear parents say 'when I was your age...' - so I'll say it here now! When I was her age, all my friends worked and paid for everything themselves. argghgh. I wonder if it's the current climate. Who knows.

I think it is just your daughter being a teenager. they want to fit in. My DCs went to pretty upmarket prep schools, then either inner city comps followed (or not) by private 6th forms or country grammars. As a result, they have a huge range of friends (from mega rich to anything but). They are (I am sure) selective about who they meet where. Certainly nobody too judgemental would get invited home as our house is pretty chaotic.

I went to a private school and always considered we were really poor (obviously we weren't) because lots of my friends had ponies, swimming pools etc and we didn't. Also, we went on camping holidays (oh the shame ).

My dc go to the local comprehensive, where there is a wide mix of pupils. However, dc2 has chosen a group of friends who are leagues apart from us moneywise. Huge houses, amazing holidays, most of them have second homes. He is always complaining about not being able to keep up with them.

I consider dh and I to have a good income. However, it's not 6 figures and most of our circle of friends have much more money than us, with 6 figure incomes. I am not at all envious - we made our choices, and I'm proud of the jobs we do - but it is hard sometimes to say that we can't join in for something because of being unable to afford it, so I do feel a bit for my dc and also for your dd.

I think what I've learned as I've got older is not to mind about it, and concentrate on what you do have. It is irritating when friends make suggestions about things you could because they are thoughtless and haven't considered that you can't afford it.

A group of our friends all went on a very expensive sailing holiday in the med a couple of years ago. We were invited but said no as the cost to our family was over £10k. We did get a couple of people trying to persuade us "do come, you'll love it" but we were very clear it was not doable for us. I didn't feel left out, but would have done if I'd been a teen and not a haggard 40-something!

I think I don't feel as poor as I probably am! And we once had ponies (even though they were on loan), and we once had a car - never had many fancy holidays, usuallyonly ever did camping. But I now often walk instead of using the bus, most of my income is in-work benefits as my wages aren't enough to live on, our flat is tiny, and perhaps I have forgotten that we aren't that normal. I find it hard but often it feels easier to live like this because it's less complicated, but that's just me. And I'm too old to change into a high earner, not that I much want to be. It seems to me that lots of people live on a similar income, especially worldwide, but I suppose if you're 18 you're unlikely to think this way. I really do appreciate the debate this has raised, and I thank you all.