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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable???

31 replies

Iknownothingapparently · 23/01/2015 18:23

A few months ago I found out the my 15year old daughter was seeing this lad, I was abit upset as it made me realise that she wasn't my little girl anymore, anyway I then found out that this lad was, well let's just say that's he's not the sort you want around you daughter, so I spoke to her about it and few choice words were exchanged and she told me that she wasn't seeing him anymore, which I didn't believe for a second.
I have have since caught her with this boy a few times and she is still insisting that there is nothing going on and I have said to her that as long as she tells me the truth then I won't stop her from seeing him and she has promised me that's it's finished.
Well the last straw came when I was driving home from work and yet again saw her with down the side of some shops talking, so when I asked her about it she lied to me again telling me it wasn't him it was her friends boyfriend and that they was talking about her friend because they had had a argument, but I know that it was the boy that she keeps telling me she isn't seeing and she has lied to my face.
Out of anger I have told her she can stay at her dads until she is ready to tell me the truth and that he can put up with hers lies cause I have had enough, she said she didn't want to go but I made her because I was that angry.
Her dad is pretty much useless so will not encourage her to tell me truth and now I am worried sick that I made a huge mistake in sheer anger and what am supposed to do if she never tells me the truth, do I just let her come back knowing that she is constantly lying and in a way she has own and I have proved nothing. ( she has been gone 4days now)

We used to be very close as it was just me and her for 8 years until I met my current partner and I just want that closeness back, I have always been very open with her and told her she can talk to me about anything, I may not always like it but she can still speak to me.

OP posts:
chocoluvva · 23/01/2015 18:34

Looking at it from her point of view....

She isn't allowed to see her bf, so she has no choice but to lie about him. If she told you the truth you would go mad. It's better if you don't know...

I'd tell her you made a mistake in sending her away. She has a right to choose her friends - you forget she is almost a young adult now - but to remember that if she lies to you it is hard for you to believe her.

What don't you like about this boy?

zippyandbungle · 23/01/2015 18:39

Op you sound like my mum and dad when I was a teen.
I just got very good at lying. And at 40 they still have no relationship with my DH as he was 'not right for me'. He is actually lovely just came from the wrong side of the tracks as far as they were concerned.

Do you not trust her to make responsible choices as a nearly young adult? She might surprise you. What your doing is making this boy forbidden fruit.

Original poster
Iknownothingapparently · 23/01/2015 18:40

It's not that I won't let her see him, I have said to her that's who she is with then that's her choice but don't lie to me about it.

I don't like him because the first thing I heard about him was that he was driving round in a stolen car with my daughter in it and then her school have been in touch with as this boy was fighting at school and stamping on someone's head and they worried about my daughter as she was there and they don't want her getting in with the wrong crowd.

OP posts:
Lottiedoubtie · 23/01/2015 18:41

Shock stay at her dads til she can tell you the truth?

That's genuinely outrageous. I think you should ring her and apologise tbh.

steppeinginto2015 · 23/01/2015 18:41

basic principle of being a teenager, if it is banned it becomes more attractive.

I get that you don't like him, and probably for good reason, but I think at this age if you keep it low key, she will soon see that he isn't worth it and move on. If he is banned, she will hang on to him as long as possible to make a point.

More important is to have good conversations about safe sex, about not letting people pressure you into stuff, about how not all guys respect you as you want, so it is important to look out for that and not to be afraid to say no, and how first love is a strong valid emotion, but it often doesn't last, and how you trust her to be sensible and you will be there if she needs help or support.

Also, then you can put some agreed boundaries in eg curfew and boundaries.

Original poster
Iknownothingapparently · 23/01/2015 18:44

I do realise that she is not going to tell me everything & that she will lie me like I lied to my mom and dad on a regular basis, I suppose a lot of is that I'm having trouble letting go and that I don't want her to make any mistakes that she can't go bak on.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iknownothingapparently · 23/01/2015 18:49

Thanks lottiedoubtie, I have come on her for advice not to be judged.

I know I have messed up and I am asking advice on how to make it right.

OP posts:
chocoluvva · 23/01/2015 18:51

What a horrible situation to be in.

Is the stolen car story true?

Does he go to your DD's school? The school shouldn't be talking about him to you though - they shouldn't be discussing him with another parent.

Perhaps you could tell your DD you can now see that she really likes this boy therefore you will try to like him too. Encourage her to invite him round. Seriously. He won't seem so exciting when he's sitting at your dinner table making polite conversation with you. Cook him a huge meal and be as charming as you can manage. He'll soon lose his appeal.

Make sure she knows you value her opinions and will support her choices. She needs to feel loved and valued for herself so she is more likely to make good choices.

chocoluvva · 23/01/2015 18:54

Try to give her the impression that you've thought about this more and had a change of heart. Try to give her the impression that you're not in a panic about this situation - teenage girls like to feed a nice drama. Take the drama out of it. Use your acting skills. I'm not being flippant. The relationship with him probably won't last long anyway.

AnyFucker · 23/01/2015 18:57

I think parents who banish their kids to the other parent that you know to be useless needs their bumps feeling, tbh

If you are concerned about her safety with this lad, wouldn't it be best to keep her close not send her off like some sort of pariah ?

Original poster
Iknownothingapparently · 23/01/2015 18:57

Yes the stolen car is true, I over heard her telling her friend on the phone.
The school only rang me as they were concerned for my daughter as she was there when the fight was happening but they would tell me who it was that was fighting but I told them I knew who it was and they said that they couldn't comment on that but my friends son goes to the same school so I was tole it was him anyway.

OP posts:
chocoluvva · 23/01/2015 19:09

The stolen car thing is very worrying. But might still not be true - 15YOs sound like they know what they're talking about but they do still get the wrong end of the stick.

Why was your DD not at her own school when the fight was happening? (if you don't mind my asking)

Original poster
Iknownothingapparently · 23/01/2015 19:14

Sorry I didn't explain it very well.
It is my DD's school aswell, they all go to the same school

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 23/01/2015 19:44

op, I think you need to get your dd back home with you

CalicoBlue · 23/01/2015 19:44

Keep her close. I would go and get her and talk about it. I think you have over reacted.

I did something similar with my DS a few years ago. I regret it, though our relationship is fine now.

pasanda · 23/01/2015 20:46

All teenagers lie. Get used to it!

It is normal behaviour, and anyhow, how could she tell the truth when the truth would make her mum pissed off with her even more.

Sending her to her dad's for lying is way OTT afaic. Especially if her dad is useless on the parenting front.

Call her, apologise, say you were over the top and just grit your teeth about the lying!!

MuddhaOfSuburbia · 23/01/2015 21:22

*I have come on her for advice not to be judged.

I know I have messed up and I am asking advice on how to make it right.*

good luck OP

I think everyone here who has a teenager knows how easy it is-with the best of intentions- to fuck up and get it wrong

I know I have

Good luck. Get her home, start talking and keep talking Flowers

Original poster
Iknownothingapparently · 23/01/2015 21:40

Thanks to all of you who have given advice and understand that I just did out of pure anger and to those few of you that I told me what a fuck I am, I already know that, I knew I had fucked up from the minute she walked out the door and have cried every day since. I would die off my children and the thought that this has happened is killing and the fact the dye might nit want to come back makes me feel sick.
There is no right or wrong way to be a parent, We just have to learn along the way and yes I am totally wrong in what I have done but I try never to judge someone's situation till you have been in it and you know all the facts.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 23/01/2015 21:43

if you don't want anyone to "judge" (and advise accordingly) don't ask AIBU on the internet

AnyFucker · 23/01/2015 21:44

you have had good advice

if you just want to bellyache about the fact you didn't hear what you wanted to hear, go right ahead

it's not going to solve your dilemma though < shrug >

Iknownothingapparently · 23/01/2015 21:50

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AnyFucker · 23/01/2015 21:55

I gave advice at 18:57 and 19:44

consider me fucked off though

Lottiedoubtie · 24/01/2015 10:23

My advice was,

'Ring her and apologise'

I wasn't judging your behaviour, I was offering my opinion on it. Clearly you understand that what you did was wrong. Good. I think now is the time for building bridges with your daughter. Starting with giving her the apology she deserves.

Also consider how you manage your anger in general you're clearly upset with both me and anyfucker and neither of us were deliberately upsetting you.

DurhamDurham · 24/01/2015 10:32

The most important thing is to get her back home with you as soon as you can, nothing is worth destroying your relationship with your daughter. From my own experience with my two girls, unsuitable boyfriends will come and go but the most fuss that is made the longer it will drag on.

Good luck, you sound like a lovely mum Thanks

chocoluvva · 24/01/2015 10:34

I'm not judging your behaviour either. I had a bust-up with my 16YO DD over a boy too. You seem to be ignoring the advice and feeding the drama. It's fine to apologise to your teenagers if you make a mistake. You will both learn from this experience. She won't think less of you for admitting you got it wrong. You can still withhold approval for behaviour you don't like and be supportive of her good choices.