Please help my survey. Am I too strict? - what are your screen house rules for teens

[Gymbob]

DD2 is 15. the Wi-Fi on her screens goes off at 9pm on weekdays, and 10pm on weekends, and she is not allowed on a screen at all after that.

Since I found her on snapchat a couple of days ago at 11.20pm on a school night, I have said that all screens must now come out of her room at the time the Wi-Fi goes off, as she has been using her 4G allowance.

She is unable to self-regulate and she admits she is totally addicted, but that everyone is, so what's the problem.

She says I'm too strict, hates me, I'm not normal etc, as all her mates are only just going on Facebook when she has to come off it, and she is the only one who can't have her phone in her room overnight. She says she just wants to fit in, and I am stopping her from doing that. She says she can't fit in if she can't join them on Facebook late at night.

Am I too strict? Do you have rules for screens, and if you do what are they? Is she right that everyone has their phone with them 24/7?

I'm not sure on this one. I have a 17 year old dd, she has always had unrestricted access on her phone but then she's not attached to her phone, she's not even carrying it half the time.
She works and uses it as a communication for that, as a alarm, and to put all her college classes on. It's always been there so it's never been a problem iyswim. Social media for her isn't a issue, she messages her friends but social media she barely uses. ( complex reasons for that)
I don't allow any other technology upstairs.
Maybe I'd be stricter if she was always on it, but all in all I think it's better to use self regulation and learn the hard way when they are too tired, feel unwell etc.

Ok in think you are both right.
As a parent, I'm exactly in the same lines than you and have made a point to show the dcs that this us what I am doing too.

As a teenager, lots of them are on line at that sort of time and she will feel that she is missing out and isn't able to fit in as well.

Unless you know there are some issues re fitting in (for other reasons!), she is finding it hard to make friends etc. them I would keep the rules.
If you find that she does indeed have issues with friendship, then I would tackle with her why (eg are they really friends with her or us it about feeling 'part of the group' etc) before even starting to reconsider my stance.

My 14, 13 and 10 yo dds have laptops which turn off 9pm - 7am. But that time was set when the older two were 12 and 11, and lately they have smartphone/tablet which don't go off and they seem able to manage it. I do nag about turning screens off well before bedtime (partly as dd2 struggles to fall asleep anyway and screen time before bed is supposed to be bad for that). but we are relaxing the rule lately as they are being sensible enough about it.

Not sure that I'd relax the rule if they were on the internet half the night. I fact I know I would then probably insist on all screens left downstairs etc. But if they can self-regulate, more or less, I'm increasingly leaving it to them with a bit of gentle nagging.

We have no screens at the table rule. I don't thikn I'd ever relax that rule.

We keep the chargers downstairs, so the phones have to come down at bed time to get charged. Bedtime is 9.30 for DD4 (11) and 10.30 for DD3 (14)

The DDs also know that at any time I can ask them to hand over the phone, unlocked, and check their social media. I tend not to do this, but they know it's a real possibility, and a condition of their having the phones. I checked DD1s phone a couple of times when she was about 15 and a little too keen on boys and partying, so the younger ones know it's a possibility. FWIW, DD1 is now 18, on a gap year and free to regulate (or not!) her own screens!

Gym no we don't really monitor what she is doing, she is pretty much just Facebooking and instagramming I reckon. She is not particularly interested in boys though; had a boyfriend and decided it was more fun seeing her friends. Now she has opened up more she has been telling me about one of her friends and her many older partners, but she seems very shocked and judgy about it, so I am not too worried.

I don't think the internet access has made her better behaved, it is more that DH and I have made a conscious effort to be much more obviously loving. For example, where previously I might have said, "Young Tink, your room is a bloody disgrace and to be honest you smell. Get in the bloody shower and tidy up this pig sty or blah blah blah horrible punishment is going to happen." Now I would say, "Young Tink, look at your messy room, what are you creative types like? Come on you messy old thing; let's have a nice sort out together. Wow that looks great, you did a fab job, come on I'll run you a bath with some of that nice stuff you got for Christmas, then we can watch your extremely exciting new Marvel DVD".

Now that sounds incredibly cheesy. But it has worked for us, and worked quite quickly too. You are suddenly in a cycle of pleasantness, rather than a cycle of destruction.

Gym when I say untrustworthy I mean things like using my credit card to get small things on line, not being where she said she would be. She would lie to my face a about anything. I kind of suspect she has picked up the odd tenner that was around as well.

As I say, big shock compared to the older two. But she has been nice for a good few months now, much more chatty and open an upfront and working hard at school.

and is the better mood due to unrestricted access to the net do you think?

No, I would say she just feels more trusted and loved. Rather than mooch in her room she is interacting more with the family. I think she is getting her approval from us rather than online and she is spending less time online. And now she has got more into her schoolwork she is in bed earlier and up earlier.

I don't restrict it. They are happy, do their school work and sleep so feel it's cruel to take it off them. Yes they are all on it late. Teens sleep patterns naturally change and they sleep later. 11.20 wasn't a ridiculous time.

I'm finding this thread very interesting for future use. Thank you, Gymbob.

We have a 12 year old who has no self-regulation at all. Left alone, he would do nothing but eat and use computers. And long screen time makes him very unpleasant too. So we have pretty strict controls on computers, although I am reassured to see that others on here have similar rules. We of course get the complaint that none of his friends have any controls at all.

I confess I have assumed that we would have to lose all restrictions as he got older, and was worrying that I saw no way he would get anything else done, or sleep, and I hope I've been given enough courage to maintain some controls even as he gets older.

I know there are kids even his age who can take or leave computers, but right now he's not one of them at all.

Two fifteen year olds here.

Screens off at 9.30, then teeth and lights out etc (special dispensations made for football matches going into extra time, elections etc)

MrsMcRuff I've certainly told his sister that she need her sleep, ds less so (tiredness doesn't make him ill, just snappy). I might have said that I was sending him to bed because I loved him (maybe, to be honest he rarely kicks up a fuss about it and thinks 10 is about right for going to bed) but I'd never say his friends parents don't love them because that would be a bit stupid wouldn't it?

ds just enjoys pressing people's buttons and loves a good argument/fight (about everything and anything). I was just trying to demonstrate that although he like many other teens has a bit of social pressure to stay up, it's not necessarily that big a big deal.

You're right actually heyho 11.20pm wasn't ridiculously late I don't suppose. She really is a night owl, like lots of teens. But when I say she's bloody awful on a morning it's an understatement. The rest of us are happy on a morning. Lack of sleep only adds to her foul mood.

Tinkly the difference in your dd sounds quite amazing, I'm not sure how I could replicate that with mine when the internet is involved. DD1's internet usage can't be unrestricted for other reasons, so not sure I can do it for DD2 and not DD1.

DD2 charged through the door at 7.55pm tonight after an activity, and flew straight upstairs leaving a pile of shoes, bags and clothes at the front door. The internet is due to switch off at 10pm on her devices so she won't eat or drink or talk to us until after then. Makes me sad and cross in equal measure

Must admit...never had restrictions...and never had any problems..about going to bed or screen time. Lucky in that respect!!!!

I don't think you are strict.

I have a 12 year old and 15 year old. We stop screens at 8pm (later at weekends). the 12 year old often uses his tab in bed ( and gets confiscated if caught). the 12 year old especially, is not good at self-regulating. Hopefully, the 15 year old has learnt priorities now.

I like the ds's to have non- screen time ( apart from tv) before bedtime as I think its not good for them to go to bed straight after being on a computer.

Also, it means that they don't spend all their times in their room, and spend some time with the whole family ( there's no,TVs in their rooms)

You are lucky smiley. Neither of mine will go to bed actually....

river Mine don't have tv's in their rooms either. Is it just you and me on the planet that don't have TV's in bedrooms? DD2 tells me every single kid she knows does have one, and that's another reason why I'm not normal

Cards on table- I've lost that battle. DDs at late teens now and self regulate are glued to their phone 24/7 nothing else caused so much strife as my (mainly successful at the time) attempts to restrict their use.

Every single piece of advice, every piece of research is quite clear: screens in bedrooms disrupt sleep, notwithstanding what they might be doing on the screens.
smiley when you say you had no problems, do you mean they left their phones downstairs?

I don't think teens watch much tv these days do they?
Mine got desks and computers in their rooms from about aged 13.

I have said up thread about the difference between 12 and 15 year olds. I just remembered something.
When DS2 was 12 he was addicted to the xbox. He didn't have unrestricted access, it was an hour a day on school days and more at weekends but his life was centred on his "slot". I made him with a bribe go cold turkey for a few weeks and the transformation was amazing. He thanked me afterwards and said he never wanted to feel like that again.
Now nearly 17 and no restrictions and spends a lot of time online gaming or chatting but he works hard and gets good grades and does family stuff as well.

Yes pea, that's the trouble with mine now, age 15 and 16, their lives revolve around their 'slots', more so with DD2. I can see the argument for removing all restrictions so there are no precious slots but neither can self regulate. The wifi came on at 8am this morning, and will go off at 10pm tonight. I have seen DD2 briefly when she came down for breakfast, she apparently did appear again for lunch, but brought all 3 devices with her and had them all on the table while she ate. She wouldn't do that if I was at home

Oh, and they'd like TV's for when the wifi on their devices switches off.

I asked DD2 if she'd like to earn 2K in the summer holidays this year (she's really really money orientated), and she said no as it would take up too much of her internet time