Please help my survey. Am I too strict? - what are your screen house rules for teens

[Gymbob]

DD2 is 15. the Wi-Fi on her screens goes off at 9pm on weekdays, and 10pm on weekends, and she is not allowed on a screen at all after that.

Since I found her on snapchat a couple of days ago at 11.20pm on a school night, I have said that all screens must now come out of her room at the time the Wi-Fi goes off, as she has been using her 4G allowance.

She is unable to self-regulate and she admits she is totally addicted, but that everyone is, so what's the problem.

She says I'm too strict, hates me, I'm not normal etc, as all her mates are only just going on Facebook when she has to come off it, and she is the only one who can't have her phone in her room overnight. She says she just wants to fit in, and I am stopping her from doing that. She says she can't fit in if she can't join them on Facebook late at night.

Am I too strict? Do you have rules for screens, and if you do what are they? Is she right that everyone has their phone with them 24/7?

I really think you're being over controlling.

I hope my DD never checks MN and discovers just how strict i am!

She's just turned 13 and has no iPad/laptop screen time at all during the school week although she can do homework on my computer.

She has her phone for Snapchat, Instagram etc. but this has to stay downstairs when she goes to bed at 9/9.30pm. Otherwise she'd be on it all night like the OP's DD.

All I can say is this is a very difficult topic ! Even teachers at DD's school say they are having to tell kids off for using phones in lessons - year 11.
If you try to put down rules for (some) 16 year olds at home you create conflict, and agro, if you don't they may not get enough sleep / do their homework properly.
DD 16 would rather go without food for a day than go without her phone. We have considered removing it but I honestly this would back fire and certainly wouldn't make her work harder, it would just make her angry and hate us, and she would 'prove ' our plan was bad by studying less.
Agree with putting down firm rules when they are young. I didn't see this coming.

DD wanted a phone at 9. It was agreed she would get one at the start of secondary school, for safety etc. Rules were laid out, she agreed wholeheartedly, and a written list was agreed to. The rules were broken one by one. Phone confiscated at 12. She was 6 weeks into being groomed. Phone went to CID for 6 months while they investigated. She wanted Facebook at 12, we said no, got it at 13 and got into trouble again.

DD is not fussed about her homework, lies she doesn't have any when she does, doesn't do it well when she does do it, and it getting negative behaviour points at school on a weekly basis. It's not cool to be a goody goody is it, far cooler to be a rebel and get into trouble regularly. It earns her more respect with her equally cool friends.

I fear if I give her unregulated internet access, her school work and GCSE's will suffer greatly. I believe that children (and that's what she is, even at 15), need sleep and a quiet time without a screen in order to settle. The while light on a screen causes brain stimulation.

If she doesn't achieve a C in maths and English, she will need to re-sit them. She is on course for the English, but is a projected D for maths.

Twitterqueen I don't think that 15 year olds should be treated like adults. they are children, teenagers, but children. And no I don't trust her.

clay Putting down firm rules when they are young just doesn't work all of the time. I still have the written rules DD signed off. When I showed them to her she just shrugged.

And yes clay, she had to hand her phone in at the office every day at school for a month last year, as she was texting boys in lessons.

Gym, dealing with this must be horribly difficult for you. But sometimes, when a strategy is continually failing, you need to completely change your approach.

Gym I take back what I said. Sometimes it's very easy for those of us with easy teenagers to say what worked for us. Faced with such rebellion I would do the same.

tinkly ok I see where you're coming from, but what do you suggest - unrestricted access?

Bless you pea, I wasn't looking for sympathy, was just giving a bit of background.

I must say though that I don't get today's kids. She had a mate round for tea tonight. They were both on the sofa all night on their separate devices - not talking at all. What is the point

On a school night our teens aren't allowed phones in bedrooms overnight. We turn the wifi off at 10.30.

Weekends/school holidays we don't regulate.

Gymbob I think your rules are perfect, strict enough, but not too strict. The only thing I would maybe do is make the weekend cut-off a little later, maybe 11pm.

My DC are younger (eldest is 10) and they get two a hours a week (in term time, school holidays a bit more)! I'm definitely on board with limiting the screen time.

hey outraged, do you know what, I think I'll do that! Thanks!! 11pm for DD2, but will have to stay at 10pm for DD1 as she's up at 7am on Sundays!

Maybe unrestricted access is worth a try Gym. My 15 year old spends a ridiculous amount of time on her phone and Facebook. Sometimes she's up pretty late, weekends especially. She also works hard, gets excellent grades, goes out a lot and has a couple of quite demanding hobbies. She really wasn't great at self regulating but she is getting there.

What you are doing now doesn't seem to be working. Try trusting her, try love bombing her. Just try it for a month. It has really worked with our DD and she used to be very troubled.

tinkly will have a work with dh and see what he thinks. If I do it for DD2, I'll have to do it for DD1, and that really IS complicated!!

work word

I have a 14 and a 15 year old. Bedtime is 10pm and if they are caught with their lights on reading or playing with a device after that the book/device gets removed immediately. I've only had to do it a couple of times (book/ipod/laptop/DS had to be kept out of the room for a few days after too.

It's pretty much the only thing I am strict on, and both children understand why (dd gets terrible migraines if she gets over tired). ds gets a bit of gyp from his gaming friends but happily tells them that he needs his sleep and if pushed will tell them that they are less loved than he is (I'm sure this isn't true, just saying that kids can combat peer pressure if they want to).

I'm sure that some cheating happens (just like I read under the bedclothes with a torch) but they know the consequences. No boy/girl friends yet - there may well be trouble ahead

Haven't read all the msgs but am pretty shocked at some people no restrictions!

DS is 12 - all screens (except TV) off by 8pm weeknights and 8.30pm weekends.... on and not on before 7am weekends and not on at all mornings during week

I heard him get up a 6.30am this morning and creep into kitchen... went in his room and he was on his iphone. It has been taken away for the day and he had to take embarrassing old brick phone into school

HE has no self regulation and will learn one day! IF there were no consequences he would break every rule. He's always loved pushing boundaries!

supersupersupershock am pretty shocked at some people no restrictions
Big difference between having a 12 year old and a 15 year old. Rules have to evolve with the growing child. They are there to teach the child how to behave. Once that behaviour is self regulating you no longer need the rules.

Gymbob I always relaxed restrictions and bedtimes (when I had them) at weekends. It seemed to give them a feeling that they had some control and freedom in their lives and was much appreciated. I had to ignore the fact that they would stay up until 3am at first just to taste the new found freedom

ds gets a bit of gyp from his gaming friends but happily tells them that he needs his sleep and if pushed will tell them that they are less loved than he is

He thought that one up himself, did he?

12 and 13 year olds are NOT 15 and 16 year olds (self-evidently, but some posters seem to forget this).

Thing is, a one size fits all approach does not work with teens. I have four kids, and all their issues have needed to be dealt with differently, according to their personality.

Eldest DS is very lazy and stubborn, but a perfectly kind, decent boy underneath. He just needed to be allowed to grow up and remember who he is.

Eldest DD is an absolute thrill seeker, who always has to do the very naughty thing. But she is a real pleaser, and hates us being disappointed in her. She responds really well to praise, and stricter boundaries.

Youngest DD sounds more like yours in her behaviour Gym. She is quite untrustworthy, something we had never experienced before. But she is also massively insecure and very prone to depression and self harming type behaviour. Punishments just make her go to pieces. What has worked best for us is giving her masses of unconditional love and attention and lots of rope. On the surface we have been much more indulgent than with the elder two, but her behaviour has improved massively, to the extent that she seems quite able to self regulate and motivate.

your massive differences in opinion is great. lots of food for thought. I'm not sure I can go for unrestricted access, that makes me go . but I think relaxing it on a weekend would make her very happy. I might even go later than 11pm, I'm still pondering on it

I have 5 dc and the older 3 never needed rules as the did regulate themselves and got to sleep.
However dd simply cannot do this.
She would literally be on it all night and get no sleep and then get a migraine the next day.
She is just 13 and I'm hoping to relax the rules as time goes by.
She is pretty addicted and I have to make her come off it fir stuff like homework, washing and actually having a life
Op I think your dd has already shown that she cannot self regulate so for now does need some help and guidance.

dd (14yo year 9) brings her phone & computer to us at 10pm on school nights.

She (like my other kids) was home educated until year 7 & we have never really had rules about bedtimes, screen use etc - there was never any need.

When she started school (she has a massive commute and is out of the house from 6:45-4:45) she was knackered for most of year 7 so bed time/screen use wasn't an issue ... she'd be half asleep by 9/9:30.

In year 8 she was less tired & I was reasonably hands off bar conversations about sensible use, checking her history etc). She was a nightmare - frequently staying up all night (usually chatting to her cousins), tens of hours wasted on tumblr - and masses of attitude - grumpy, nasty, self absorbed. School work really suffered and after a frankly shite report half way through the year I instituted the 10pm rule. Thankfully she's 100% nicer, sleeping better, having a real social life & doing brilliantly at school.

If she didn't have such a long school day I'd extend the 10pm screen curfew (I like the internet, I don't think it is a bad thing for kids to use it!) - Friday & Saturday nights I don't have rules except that she has to be out of bed before lunch on Saturday!

tbh she has so much else going on atm that she is too busy to spend hours & hours on it. I hope that as she gets older she'll be able to decide what is sensible but atm I'm enjoying it not being a battle & her being much nicer.

tinkly thanks so much for sharing that. my DD is so much like yours. your DD is untrustworthy but you give her unrestricted net access? sorry, on phone so can't see your message whilst I'm typing! so do you monitor and check her history? and do you think her improved mood is solely down to giving her the freedom and the choice of the internet?

darling my DD cannot self regulate as I mentioned , but at least you tried it with yours. she might have failed and needed intervention from you but you now know her limitations. with mine, I've never given it a go as she has got herself into bother during the daytime! I said up thread she was groomed on her phone, and that was under my nose