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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DD13 crying in bed, won't leave house or go to school

50 replies

CowboyJoeFromMexico · 18/01/2015 12:32

Really don't know what to do anymore. Dd is 13 and over the past few months has become increasingly isolated, won't go out or see friends and now refusing school. No bullying issues. School have bent over backwards to make it easy for her to go in but she won't. GP referred her for counselling which starts soon. She is lying in bed crying and won't let me near her. This is depression, isn't it? I don't know what the hell to do anymore. School will probably fine me soon she's missed so much.

OP posts:
Gileswithachainsaw · 18/01/2015 12:38

has she started her periods yet?

maybe her hormones are a bit all over the place and she's due to start?

Your poor dd Sad

I hope the country culling helps. did he mention medication?

Gileswithachainsaw · 18/01/2015 12:38

counselling

ffs phone

Original poster
CowboyJoeFromMexico · 18/01/2015 12:42

The gp is reluctant to give her medication, she has started her periods and they are very bad. I know tomorrow is going to be another day of refusing to go to school.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 18/01/2015 12:50

That must be incredibly worrying and stressful for you too, OP. Are you able to be at home with her?

Original poster
CowboyJoeFromMexico · 18/01/2015 12:53

Most of the time but I'm starting a new job this week (cm) so have to deal with that. We really need the money but 90% of my time is taken up dealing with her. I feel like I've let her down somewhere.

OP posts:
Gileswithachainsaw · 18/01/2015 12:56

I would ask the gp again about if there's anything she can have for her periods at least.

If they are bad maybe she feels they are taking over her life and adding to the stress?

does she get bad bloating and pain?

has she had accidents at school with them?

Gileswithachainsaw · 18/01/2015 12:57

You have not let her down Flowers

juliascurr · 18/01/2015 12:58

www.youngminds.org.uk/

offer 1 hour phone consultation
very helpful

best wishes

Original poster
CowboyJoeFromMexico · 18/01/2015 13:00

She has some meds for her periods but nothing for her anxiety. She hardly sleeps. I think she's worrying about going back to school but I'm worried about what will happen if she won't go.

OP posts:
RJnomore · 18/01/2015 13:01

Can I ask how you are certain there is no bullying issues?

Girls can bully in very emotionally manipulative ways which are not always directly apparent as bullying but can be hell to live through. It could be hormonal and period relatd, but it can also be too easy to put problem with pubescent girls down to hormonal issues IMO.

morethanpotatoprints · 18/01/2015 13:09

hello OP

I know this isn't a long term suggestion, but just to stop you worrying about fines and EWO being involved, could you deregister from school and H.ed for a while.
I'm not sure if you'd fee happy leaving her whilst you were working, but may be a short term solution to buy you all the time to get to the bottom of her problem with school and depression/anxiety.

Original poster
CowboyJoeFromMexico · 18/01/2015 13:11

There really isn't bullying - I know her friends and she's always been the one who is alternative and clever, she isn't especially close to anyone as she prefers to be alone. She's never been interested in being like the other girls but gets on with them.

OP posts:
Namechangeyetagaintohide · 18/01/2015 13:18

If GP won't give medication ask for referral to a psychiatrist who can. Or see another GP.

School can be death with - at the moment your DC is ill and therefore off school same as any other illness.

Canyouforgiveher · 18/01/2015 13:18

This does sound like depression or anxiety to me. Maybe the counselling alone will be enough but is there any way you can get a referral to an adolescent psychiatrist (preferably a pharama-pyschiatrist if that is the right term)? My 14 year old has depression since she was about 13 and is on medication (no bullying either this is just an illness she has). She also has a lot of therapy. The therapy alone does not allow her to function. Without meds she would be in a similar position to your dd. I know this because we allowed her to come off meds over the summer (no one wants their child to be medicated if they can avoid it) and it was not good. I am hoping as she grows older she will no longer need anything but right now she does. Your dd sounds like she is in a lot of distress. I would push for a referral to a specialist as well as the counselling. Good luck. It is very hard to see your dd like that.

RJnomore · 18/01/2015 13:33

Has she been able to articulat to you in any way why she doesn't want to go to school?

Dancingqueen17 · 18/01/2015 19:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

textfan · 18/01/2015 19:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
CowboyJoeFromMexico · 18/01/2015 19:51

Hi all, thank you for replying. She got up vexed tl

OP posts:
Original poster
CowboyJoeFromMexico · 18/01/2015 19:58

Sorry, my phone goes nuts every night at this time.

She got up late and we had a long talk by text which she prefers to face CDj

OP posts:
Original poster
CowboyJoeFromMexico · 18/01/2015 19:59

Aaaagh I give up will try later

OP posts:
MilkThistle187 · 18/01/2015 20:12

My 13 yr old ds suffered from terrible anxiety this time last year. I was tearing my hair out trying to get help. He was having panic attacks and couldn't leave the house, his school attendance was awful, he missed 3-4 days a week between Jan and the summer holidays. It takes incredible patience to care for a child like this, so give yourself a break, you are doing your best.

What helped him was 10 sessions of CBT, he hated going and often had a panic attack about seeing the psychologist. It didn't have an immediate effect, but over time it sank in and this year his attendance has been 95%.

What I have learned to do with ds is to give him lots of reassurance, and not to pressurise him. If I say 'You have to go to school tomorrow' he immediately panics about what will happen if he can't go, if I say 'I'm not going to make you go to school tomorrow' he relaxes, doesn't worry and has a much better chance of going in.

As other posters have said I would certainly look at hormone related issues for your dd, but also push for some CBT sessions.

Good luck and take care of yourself, I found it much harder to cope with ds when I was tired and stressed myself.

wellies · 18/01/2015 20:37

Very similar to my dd - also 13.
Anxiety related to school. She says no bullying. She likes her friends but tolerates rather than really enjoys the company of all but three. Hormones are at play, she's much worse the week ahead of her period. GP won't offer pill for another year or so.
I have struggled to be patient and am guilty of shouting in sheer frustration at her refusal to go to school - school were very firm with me at first but are supportive now. Dd now goes in more often than not but doesn't join in regular lessons, first term this year she missed at least a day a week, often more.

anthropology · 18/01/2015 21:11

please try not to feel guilty. Depression is an illness which can affect anyone and she really needs professional support and assessment asap. See other recent threads but if she has already missed a few months of school, ask schools help, if GP has just referred her for counselling rather than to CAMHS . If she assessed by a camhs psychologist and isnt responding a camhs psychiatrist can prescribe relevent antidepressants which might help her engage but they do so with caution at this age. Camhs are so overstretched, you may need to fight for this, but things probably won't get better until she can understand a little herself what is going on and learn tools to cope with how she is feeling. Usually agree with getting blood tests etc, to make sure there isnt something going on too. Sounds like she can't go in rather than won't. Try not to ask her why she feels as she does, as she probably doesnt know, do ask her what helps her feel better, and encourage this. Suggest you take pressure of school off for now, until she has had camhs assessment and let school know, as they have to respond to mental health issues in the same way as physical illness.

She is young, so going back into school after a gap when she is stronger should be ok, so if it adds to her anxiety, just ask for work to do at home when she feels she can. Her health is more important at the moment. If you have a new job and she might need to be home alone, I would tell Camhs, and try to push for an urgent assessment so you have an idea of how low she is feeling.

My own DD (who missed a year of school and is now at Uni ) revealed ASD symptoms with Depression at this age, so perhaps consider an ed psych evaluation too. Look after yourself too.

Original poster
CowboyJoeFromMexico · 20/01/2015 09:40

School arranged for her to start back on shorter hours. She managed yesterday but today is crying in bed and refuses to leave her room. Can't get a doctors appt. Wellies, sounds exactly like yours, also much worse before her period.

OP posts:
wellies · 20/01/2015 14:28

I'm sorry things are tough.
My dd didn't manage school yesterday and was very reluctant today. Last night she was not in a good place which often manifests itself in physical abuse towards us (me, mostly); yesterday evening she threw things around trying to get a reaction - it's so hard to be patient (and I'm guilty of not being patient sometimes) and if I'm honest,it's hard to like her very much when she's at her worst.
This morning I did eventually manage to drive her in to school (an hour late but that's better than not at all). Im lucky that work are supportive and I am sometimes able to arrive late if necessary. Still, I'm feeling rather depressed and totally out of my depth with how to help her and us get through this. We're all exhausted. We have been referred to and today been in contact with a local centre for challenging teenagers and hope they'll offer advice/support.
I keep reminding myself this isn't her choice - who would choose to feel as she does? - and try to just be steady and supportive. Easier said than done but it's my current mantra!