DD13 crying in bed, won't leave house or go to school

[CowboyJoeFromMexico]

Really don't know what to do anymore. Dd is 13 and over the past few months has become increasingly isolated, won't go out or see friends and now refusing school. No bullying issues. School have bent over backwards to make it easy for her to go in but she won't. GP referred her for counselling which starts soon. She is lying in bed crying and won't let me near her. This is depression, isn't it? I don't know what the hell to do anymore. School will probably fine me soon she's missed so much.

How are things Cowboy?
The worst days of the month have passed for dd and she's coming back to being her usual self - normal, age-appropriate levels of teenage moodiness rather than full on refusal/lack of ability to cope with anything.

Still the same sadly, many tears and refusing to go to school. School are being sort of supportive but I feel slightly judged - I'm doing my best to get her in. She said she hates feeling like this but doesn't want to do anything that would help. I feel so wound up and worried all the time. Sigh.

She had a half hour counselling session today and is now having a complete meltdown, crying and screaming because she hated it so much. I feel utterly helpless. I was with her and he just asked gentle questions. I don't know what the hell to do. She won't go to school, she won't sleep at night, she cries all the time.

Ds absolutely hated the counselling, I had to drag him in there, and afterwards he always said it was useless. We had 10 sessions starting about this time last year. It was torture at the time, but it all seemed to seep in by osmosis, and it really did help. Hang in there, I think the process of talking about stuff can be really upsetting for them and things can get worse for a while.

Last year ds picked 2 days a week that he found the least stressful, one was Weds which was a half day and the other was Friday as it was almost the weekend, our aim was to get him in on just those days, anything else was a bonus. It took the pressure off for the other days.

What are you doing day to day? Are you getting up every morning and trying to get her to school? I did that initially as I felt that's what I should be doing, but the stress was too much.

I really feel for you, it's so hard

The stress levels involved with this are unimaginable. I haven't felt well for months now and am sure thi is due to waking up every morning dreading the angst involved in trying to get dd up - she does get up sometimes, always late, always reluctantly, and never in time to catch the bus into school. Make sure you look after yourself. Is Dd's father around? Brothers/sisters? My Dd's younger sibling has been finding things very difficult to understand - as we all are!
Wrt school, Dd's school made up a timetable where she colour coded lessons she could and couldn't cope with then very gently we all encouraged her in for green lessons, amber and red lessons are often missed, sometimes going in late and sometimes spent in another room with pastoral care staff. It has helped but there are still days when she can't cope with anything. The school counsellor has written to her today offering support so we might take that up. As dd is in a better frame of mind I'm trying to softly broach the subject of hormones etc and get her to recognise how her darkest days are linked to her periods.

Thank you so much for replying. Tonight was really awful. She has calmed down now but things are shaky. All this i believe is linked to her periods but she won't consider trying the pill.

I haven't tried to get her up in the morning for the past couple of days, there's no point. I have to take her younger brother to school so I do that then come home. I am trying to get her up earlier and earlier.

I am recovering from a serious illness and surgeries and trying to restart my business but I can't focus at the moment. My health problems are really not linked to all this, she says she doesn't feel any empathy or sympathy with anyone. Possible ASD maybe but that has been ruled out before. Her brother does have this.

My stomach is in knots all the time and I keep finding that I am shaking. I'm going to try to see the doctor for myself I think. DH is here and does his best but works long hours.

Sorry for long post, it helps though.

Some of the things you have said like her not wanting to be like her friends and preferring texting to face to face conversations, coupled with her school anxiety and preferring to be alone remind her so much of my DD who has AS.

She wasn't diagnosed until she was 12 and I had never considered her to have anything like autism up until that time.

Before anyone lays into me, I am not diagnosing her but I am suggesting that it is something you might like to look into. The symptoms can be quite subtle in girls but the long term impact of trying to mask them and fit in socially can be exhausting, in fact devastating. My DD spent months in her room and missed the majority of Y8. However, with the right support and understanding, she got back into school and is now blossoming and doing really well in sixth form.

Sorry, by AS, I mean Asperger's Syndrome.

Google Tony Attwood for more information.

I know it's difficult to pin down one thing that is causing this misery but ask what it is about school that she would change. I don't want to project too much here but around 13 I found I couldn't tolerate being in a large group of people all the time at school. I would take myself off to the loo just to get a break from everything and felt completely trapped in the situation and consequently felt completely miserable. I am not discounting depression but a change in school/ environment might be more effective and needed.
It has only recently occured to me after taking some online tests like this (sorry it's a daily mail link ) www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2610201/Do-YOU-signs-autism-Take-test-youre-one-rising-number-condition.html
that I probably am on the autistic spectrum somewhere and it explains a lot of how I was feeling but was unable to articulate. If she is washing and eating, sleeping normally it's unlikey to be depression perse.
I hope you both will find a solution to this. Good luck

I almost cried reading this because I have a 12 year old son who is also depressed and refuses to go to school and it's been so hard dealing with it.
His depression has stemed from me leaving his dad for my female partner a year ago and as you can imagine has not been easy for any of us. He seemed to be coping as best he could to start with but by summer last year I took him to the doc to get referred to cambhs for help and it took until the week before xmas for me to get an appointment !!
School called us in for meeting before xmas because from October he started to refuse to go to school and so far he hasn't been since the first day back in jan.
I am desperate for him to be properly diagnosed as its all going down as unauthorised absence and I worry what will happen to us.
I have very little support from his dad and he doesn't often want to visit him as he too is depressed which started before I left him and he can get very angry about the situation which I think makes my son feel stuck in middle.
Our other son is dealing with it all and doesn't understand why his brother is like it.
I try and get him up everyday but it's stressful and trying to make sure he's not on his own when I work isn't always easy too.
I have no advice just wanted you to know you're not as alone as you are feeling.

OMG I am so stressed out and overwhelmed myself, and just reading your post I felt your pain. I also have 13 years old who has been experiencing all sorts of issues last year or so. She has always been having problems with school, and it turned out she has learning disability. We learned this just last year. After that all hell broke loose. Whether she could not cope with this new information about herself or that and puberty hitting her full force (she got her first period), but she started refusing to get up in the morning, staying in bed all day on weekends, reading and friending all sorts of depressed kids on instagram and finally, she stared cutting. She often posts about being miserable and killing herself. I am so worried about her I cannot breath. We tried counselling but she will not talk to anybody.

I am sorry I do not have advice for you. I just thought I should share, most of the time it makes me feel better to know that I am not alone.

Thank you for your responses and I'm sorry there are more of us with this situation.

I feel like we're making no progress at all, she's managed four hours of school in two weeks. School helped draw up a timetable of very reduced hours but she's not been in any day.

I honestly don't know what to do next, she had one session with a counsellor and refused to go back ever again. I can't physically drag her there. She resents me and is constantly angry because she sees me as trying to force her to school.

If i mention that this is also difficult for me she has a screaming meltdown and says I see her as an inconvenience. She constantly tries to pick fights with me. Even at night she won't sleep but texts and knocks my door.

I have tried taking her phone away which made things much much worse. She doesn't talk to people but is constantly on tumblr. She says this is all that she has to calm her anxiety and if I take it away she will be worse.

I've had to put my work on hold because I can't take any new clients on because I have to be here trying to encourage her to go to school. This is all me me me but I just need to vent.

She is extremely bright and top in her subjects and I can't see a way out of this. I will do anything to help her but she won't help herself. Fed up.

I do think you need to stop trying to get her to go to school, and instead prioritise doctors and counselling. At the doctors you could ask for tests to see whether there's a hormonal problem and also a referral to a child psychiatrist. If you have to insist on one think I would pick that over school. She really needs professional help.
Good luck

*one THING, not think!

AnotherEmma, we are at the doctors every week, they referred her to counselling and she had one session and hated it. She has been referred to CAMHS but that is a very long wait. They won't prescribe her anything for anxiety as she's 13. I am very worried about her but also scared that I am going to be prosecuted and fined.

Keep a paper trail. Maybe even record her (on your phone, secretly), when she kicks off refusing to go to school. You can use this if they try to fine you.

Maybe see if Young Minds can help/give advice. Is there anyone she will talk to?
Don't tell her she has to see the counsellor, there was obviously a mismatch for her there. Unfortunately you may need to try to get an alternative a different way.

There are some useful mindfulness apps - would she try one of them?

Does a bath help? Multi-vitamins? Lavender oil, especially to sleep. Exercise? Live yoghurt?

Hi again Cowboy. I'm so sorry things are so difficult. I DO understand. My dd has up days and bad days but it's taken a while to get there. I have glimmers of the old dd then the next day she's down again - I hang on to those good days and remember them when she's desperately sad in bed.

Our school has put us in touch with a local authority early intervention centre- can you ask about that? They offer parenting courses and one on one care if they can. We have meetings next week - I have no idea if dd will feel willing but at least I now have someone to call when I feel desperate.

It's very difficult to find a time to talk to dd about how she's feeling or the impact of her mood; I imagine that when she's feeling a little better and I attempt a chat the last thing she wants is to revisit the dark time. I have been trying to stress to her that it's not her fault and I don't blame her. She can't really choose to feel this way. On up days she enjoys seeing friends etc and this gives me hope. My dd is aware of the impact on the rest of us sometimes but other times she's completely detached. Like. Your dd mine hates me sometimes and convinces herself I hate her. it's very difficult when i love her so much (but I really HATE what she's going through)

If you are honest with the school and allow them to communicate with the GP etc the school will try to avoid prosecution - do you have a good pastoral care team within the school? We seem to be very fortunate and have good relationships there. Initially school were very strict and I felt under enormous pressure from them on one hand and dds needs on the other. They do stress that dd needs to be in school but have eased the pressure a little now. They can see I'm doing my best under difficult circumstances.

Interesting tumblr is an issue here too.

Does your dd have hobbies? My dd loves music and this, played angrily, sadly, happily or whatever helps somewhat (even at 11pm- at least it focuses her emotions!)

I agree that contacting Young Minds would be a good idea. And also with the suggestion to try a different counsellor or type of therapy (CBT for example).
Could you give her little treats or incentives for doing things like going to an appointment (eg with psychiatrist / psychologist / new counsellor) and limit her time on her phone/internet as a small punishment if she doesn't go?
No idea if this would work, just an idea!

We remove dds phone and laptop at 9.30pm. She's sometimes (often) furious at this decision but she does need to know there are limits. She only gets them back if she goes into school. It's not always an easy rule to maintain but we're trying to stand our ground. If she won't hand them over we switch off the router.

I have tried the incentives or blackmail as ds likes to call it but nothing will make him go to school. I feel as if he will never go again at the moment. I don't get any time with my gf without him being around or even to go out anywhere generally which is hard and his dad must feel the same on his days off that he has him because we don't like to leave him on his own in the house.

Re phones and internet access, ds' psychologist put like this: teens regard these things as necessities, but the reality is that necessities are shelter, food, clothes. Everything else is a privilege that they earn buy going to school, doing chores etc. She made us be really strict with ds, no school=no phone. Of course he hated that, and I felt awful enforcing it as music and YouTube were his distractions when he felt anxious, but there was no point in paying her a fortune and not listening to her advice.

There is an element of 'tough love' in getting them to see that they need to go to school which is heartbreaking as a mother when you just want them to be happy and safe.

Milk, I understand what you are saying but when our DD was too anxious to attend school at the age of 12, her favourite place to be was the stables. When we stopped her going if she didn't go to school, CAMHS told us to let her go because it was the only thing in her life that made her feel good and she needed something to distract and relax her.

I've started a new thread for anyone who wants to join in - and yes, although I know I should take the phone away, I also know that she will be even sadder and more anxious. I've tried but I'm not tough enough. Yet. The meltdowns are breaking me.

Just checking in to add to the people reassuring you that you're not alone.
DS1 was ill for 18 months (end of Y8 to beginning of Y10). Attended school every day but panic attacks, depression and anxiety made his life v.difficult and he spent more time sitting crying and shaking in Learning Support than in lessons. He was diagnosed with PTSD, which had been triggered by s series of family tragedies.

He had to give up the sport he played, the instrument he played, and some of his friendships did not survive the past two years.

He has been well now for three months (yay!) and is now trying to catch up with all the work he missed.

Cowboy and others, please stay hopeful and hang on in there. Put a hold on school until she is stronger. My DD missed a year, which seemed scary, but going back a year ( in a different school) didnt make too much educational difference in the end. At home if not a school try to keep structure in the day, with things they like to do, encourage maybe noting down feelings in books, practical activities, short walks, being around animals or children etc and keep trying with the therapists/camhs. Try not to question her too much about feelings out of therapeutic situations as she probably doesnt understand why she feels as she does. worth reading Tony attwoods books if you suspect ASD traits at all especially around dealing with meltdowns. Be clear and consistent when communicating if she takes things literally. It is more difficult to get agreement on AS diagnosis for girls if they don't fit stereotypical behaviour and I think there are many more girls like my DD, who if we had understood better and earlier the way her mind worked, may not have been so ill. Post 16, things do seem to get easier if you can help her learn coping skills. Education can all be picked up, and more teens than you think take time out....... Cowboy, in terms of anxiety and sleep, there are some things they give young teens. For sleep my DD was prescribed melatonin which helped a lot - so do ask them and definitely ask for some CBT for yourself via the GP. good luck.