Do you ever think * I really can't be arsed *?

[Eastwickwitch]

DS 17 is just plain rude. He's sweetness & light at school and when DG is here, the rest of the time he's holed up in his bedroom on the laptop, phone or whatever.
He can barely be bothered to hold a conversation with me.
Tonight I've had enough. Told him that if he can't be civilised I'm not cooking his supper/ironing his clothes/generally engaging.
He won't engage & really I can't be bothered to try.
please tell me I'm not alone in not really liking him very much?

Oh I feel exactly the same.I feel like DDs servant my purpose is to provide meals and money plus tidy up all her crap !
It isn't the most rewarding phase thats for sure.

How do you deal with it constantly?
Normally I cajole but I'm running out of steam. Where has my funny, loving, charming boy gone.

I don't deal with it ! I get used to it then once or twice a week we have a big row as i try to insist we eat together without her phone or ask her to tidy up her mess ;-)
Even on christmas day she spent hours in her room on her phone .

My DS 17 can be like this. I do insist that he comes down and eats with the family though.

Whenever I get to the stage that I do feel this is enough, he tends to sense it and will come and have a chat with me. Normally I am the bad guy that is a total retard and knows nothing about life.

The other day I came home from work and was greeted by demands for supper. I said that I was tired, had done a full day at work, been a stressy day and had an hours commute on a busy tube. I was tired, not as tired as him though, he had been to college for 5 hours and was hungry. He was unable to keep a straight face as he said that, which made us both laugh.

The lovely little boy is still there, just have to look for it sometimes. That is what my mother says when I have a moan.

Oh yes - very much so. DD is currently driving me up the wall with her constant negativity, snarling and bad moods - she has anxiety related IBS and we're having issues at school as a result, but she has now decided that she has a disability that defines her, and as a result her whole life is over. She hates the 'shit hole' that is her school, no-one understands what it's like to be her, and is can't make plans for a future because of her 'disability'.

We are getting her all sorts of help, but nothing is helping - apparently. I'm at my wits end - her dramas, lack of drive and interest for anything other than crap telly and make-up, and negative talk all the bloody time is just pulling us all down. I often think, do you know what DD, I can't be arsed listening to a very privileged, intelligent young woman moan about her lot in life when actually, you do not have it at all bad compared to so many.

Should have used " " there, instead of the ' '

Sounds just like my DD who "HATES" school ,all her teachers and most humans!

Sorry your teens are grim but it's reassuring that it's not just me.
We do eat together, unless DS is at his part time job, but TBH he rarely offers much in the way of conversation bar a bit of sarcasm.

He has similiar feelings of being 'hard done by' SirC which are frankly ridiculous. His latest plan is for a year off and apparently we're selfish because we won't fund it.

In all seriousness - how do you all deal with the constant 'hate my life/woe is me'? I do try and keep positive and encourage her to think about how she can work to overcome any problems, but often in descends into a shouting match with me telling her to just go ahead and do nothing with her life if that's what she wants - I'm not proud of my reaction at all

I react in a similar way .I approach being very positive but after the tenth "don't care" I usually descend to getting cross and her yelling and storming off.DD seems intent to mess up her education I have tried and tried but no lightbulb moments yet.
DD sees CAMHS but they are very slow!

Yes...I feel like this tonight with my 16.5yr old son! Very rude to me early eve...horrible in fact...(too much to explain why) I phoned his Dad to ask him to please invite him over for w/e to give me a break (he has an easy life)... His reply was OK...but for me to make sure he went there clean!!!?? His clothes were dirty last time...he informed me! I'm very clean...all clothes are washed etc etc.... how can I MAKE my son change his clothes...shower (he does)..he is 16.5...I do advise him...but then get a mouthful of abuse!! Yes...I can't be arsed this eve...feel like giving up!

I often find myself screaming "oh DO fuck off"

In my head of course

"Whatever" is a useful verbal response

And a secret prayer that karma will repay when they become parents

Yes mine is like this constantly demanding food, has to be forced to shower, very rude and offhand, plugged in all the time, rarely wants to speak to me and then tells me how annoying I am. Not yet 15 so may have another 3 years of this.

Occasionally I consider just driving off into the distance........

Made him cook his own dinner last night.

Don't let it get to you. This is normal behaviour.
His brain is developing into an adult. To do this it is made to feel hatred, embarrassment and loathing towards their parents. They have no control of having these feelings. They all get it some worse than others. The thought of having a conversation with their parent can feel quite revolting to them let alone be in the same room or god forbid be cuddled. Sometimes this hormonal feeling is less and we see the real person.
Girls are v vocal stroppy and door slammy.
Boys go quiet, hibernate and explode occasionally.
It must be awful to feel cross for no reason most of the time.
Ignore. Leave him be. In a few years time your boy will be back. How they act out of your company is their true self. Be pleased he is a great lad then as that is how he will be as a man.

Oh Heyho, that is just the right thing to say, thank you . I hope you're right.

Heyho - if it was just directed at me then in some ways I think I could cope. She doesn't like anyone or anything, apart from her singing group, crap TV, make up and her 2 friends. She is really scathing of her school, other pupils, her counsellor, her Consultant, her brothers etc. She has no interest in anything, wants to be home schooled (DH and I both work so it's not an option, and she hates us for that..), doesn't lift a finger to help, and lives in a pigsty. It is utterly draining.

Sirchenjen - I've read what you wrote. As a parent we want to fix and solve all our kids problems. But they don't want us to do that. I will try and give an example.
D - "I look shit in all my clothes, I have nothing to wear".
Your reply goes something like. " you look lovely, what about your blue topshop dress, that's really nice on you".
D- "I look fat in it, it makes me look lumpy, you know nothing".
You- "well what about your skinnys and that top that's really nice. You always look lovely".
D- " I look f ing disgusting, what do you know, you just keep saying shit". Blah blah blah.

Result, Massive stand off. Shouting and horrid atmosphere.

If you had said. " I know how you feel. I sometimes feel rubbish about myself".
What this does is acknowledge how she feels, normalise it and inadvertantly help solve the issue. She feels good that someone understands her/gets her.

Girls can moan about everything. Blaming others - school, councellor etc puts the cause /issue onto them. It moves any problem away from being hers to someone else's difficulty. Girls are very vocal. It actually helps them sort issues out. Causes us to be on our knees with it. Boys go silent and don't talk. This is actually more problematic. If councelling is not helping her perhaps ask to see a child psychologist. It can be a very tough few years for some teens and their families. I hope it gets better soon.

Thanks HeyHo. We've had our first appointment with CAMHS and we're waiting to see a psychologist , but unfortunately there is a waiting list of 8 months - in the meantime, they have referred her for CBT so hopefully we'll start making some progress. Everything centres around what she can't do because of her anxiety related IBS, as opposed to what she can do - which is very draining.

What you say about the difference between boys and girls is very true - DS1's mid teenage years seemed to involve a lot of door slamming (although not the silence - he can talk the hind legs off a donkey, mostly about Youtube 'facts') but DD is certainly doing more moaning introspective, intense navel gazing than he ever did...

That's a good response to the clothes thing, thanks for that - we seem to have that conversation regularly, so will try your suggestion

Hi. Use it in all senarios. friendships, school etc. agree with her rather than trying to fix it. It does work.
The waiting lists are ridiculous. I have my fingers crossed for you.

Thank you

This book was recommended to me on MN and I have found it very useful in understanding my stroppy teens and coping with this phase of life.

DDs friend had a go at her a few days ago about the way she spoke to me and DD seems to be guilty and has actually been quite good company this week.Think it made a difference someone else saying it instead of me 24/7 !

oooo im still like this - i hate everyone so i avoid them as much as possible. family wind me up, the public wind me up, even DP winds me up. (but i actually do talk to him )
i've been like this since 14 since I actually developed SAD and anxiety & paranoia.
i seriously do think everyone is out to get me. i also got anxiety and pranoia and depression from being at school, around people who just wouldn't listen to me. I had a panic attack when the teacher asked me to get up and speak. I passed out.
next lesson, he asked me again, so I walked out.
Lesson after that? wlaked out. they wouldn't listen. i wouldn't speak to anyone, I'd self harm, stuff like that, because I really do hate people and myself
it wasn't a phase I grew out of. I didn't have the choice of CAMHS. I had to do it all on my own around people who didn't really care/didn't say the right things/just told me to cheer up while I was getting told to cut deeper - thats the time I started hating everyone. i've never really stopped. I'm scared of everyone too. school wasn't for me at all because it's fucked me up for life.
saw something up thread how girls are door slammy and boys hibernate. I hibernated! refused to go to school because I didn't wanna deal with being pushed down the stairs again, but no, i couldn't change school and resent my mum for that.

Ignore, count to ten, leave the room or the premises if you need to. Smile. Say 'I really can't be arsed' if necessary. I have actually said 'oh do fuck off'. I have said all the wrong things on many occasions. I have also sometimes got it really right. Usually when I take a deep breath and say something like 'how so?' or 'tell me more' and they, during the course of their rant & tirade (and sometimes hostile abuse) will work something out on their own and come full-circle, make sense of the problem and sometimes even apologise and reveal something very insightful and kind. Sometimes. Not often. But when I remember to just shut up and listen. Or if it's really nasty, when I've got it right, I've said: 'that's just plain nasty, and I'm hurt. It's unacceptable'. But when they've pressed my buttons successfully, I explode and make it worse. It's so, so hard.

It's so hard. One of the most successful things I did, when it got too negative and destructive, was suggest: 'take this to your other parent. It's time he did some work being the doormat and the scapegoat and the reason why everything is Wrong'. My eldest daughter (nearly 18) is at her dad's for most of the time now and, sure enough, he is now the reason for everything being THE END OF THE WORLD and I have had a chance to breathe and realise that it's not personal, and yes: it's okay to have limits and to no longer take the relentless blame and be relentlessly guilty and worried about them. But we can relentlessly love them instead. I am better able to love mine when I can take a break and someone else does some of the parenting work as well. Mothers do way too much.

Reminds me of a joke.

A mum's in the supermarket. Daughter says 'oh mum can i have one of these please please i really want it'

Mum: no; we're almost half way through the shopping, let's not have a scene Claudia

Daughter, a few minutes later 'muuuum i really want one of these you're so mean not getting it for me you're horrible'

Mum; 'no, we're almost at the check out; it's nearly over. Just take a few breaths Claudia and let's just concentrate on getting this shopping done'

Daughter, in the checkout queue: ' mum you're vile i hate you i really wanted that thing and you're just being mean and nasty'

mum 'remember Claudia, we don't always get what we want; and in a couple of minutes we'll be home and we can have a sit down and watch TV with a nice cup of tea

Man behind mum in queue: 'I've been overhearing you and your daughter Claudia, and i hope you don't mind my saying how impressed I am with your parenting skills and your calmness, Claudia is lucky to have such a patient mother'

Mum: Thank you - but my daughter's name is Sally, I'm Claudia'

I'm mother to twins of 17 boy/girl, and am finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel