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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Drunk 15 year old DD , how to handle?

61 replies

Camomileteaneeded · 01/01/2015 08:22

My DD is almost 16 and generally a great young adult , she studies well , has lovely friendship group , lots of interests and plans for 6 th form and Uni , so typical teenager really . But she really worries me with her attitude to drinking alcohol ( I do have alcoholism in my immediate family so could be getting this out of proportion ) .

She's been to 4 " parties" since July where drink has been available . Three times she has come home very drunk . When I say very drunk , I mean vomiting , falling over and generally a risk to herself Sad. She has a busy social life generally seeing friends , activities and no problems then.

Ive tried the " give them information and advice " given her trust and hoped that she'd learn from her last experience . But last night she was only away from home for two hours and was in a right state when we picked her up , so she obviously can't be trusted . I know it's NYE but she's only 15 !

I've had a sleepless night , making sure she's not sick again and worrying . Her attitude to alcohol is frightening , everything I read talks about the younger you start drinking the higher chance of developing alcoholism in later life . besides the risk she puts herself in when she gets like this.

So advice please , I'm really finding it difficult to know how to handle , short of locking her in the attic till she's 18 Smile
Would you ground her , take away privileges , just keep talking ( hasn't worked so far ) or any other advice please . Or do I put this down to normal teen behaviour ?

OP posts:
isitsnowingyet · 01/01/2015 14:41

What the hell is difficult?? I totally don't understand these threads. Don't allow your 15 year old to drink or take them to parties where they will drink? Why is it so hard?

I wouldn't be allowing my 14 or 15 year old to drink.

ElizabethHoover · 01/01/2015 14:41

i think socially and parentally there needs to be much more disappoval of out and out drunkeness and the more we try and pretend we ARENT a binge drinking culture, the more we are pulling the wool over our own eyes. (I say that as someone who is pretty keen on the old vino!)

We decided NO alcohol at all for ours until they were 16. It is very revealing the amount of adults who tried to argue the toss about this in social situations. As it is, so far ( and mine is 16 now) he has a rather cool attitude to it - has a drink but never comes home steaming.

Its SO much dependent on the character of the kid and of their mates, though.

ElizabethHoover · 01/01/2015 14:43

i think if you send mixed messages ' yes, at 14 you can drink at home but not out' the kid sees it as as good as sanctioning their own use of what is a very very powerful drug, and arguably more addictive than other illegal drugs.
the physical effects on young bodies are also bad. What exactly is the rush to make our most precious 'assets' drinkers?

noddyholder · 01/01/2015 14:51

I agree its a character and peer thing. I have watched my ds and his mates over the years and those who had an issue when 16 still do later on. Keep talking video her a friend of mine did this and her dd was shocked by what she saw. Ram home the health thing relentlessly my ds is big on this even though he likes to party. And keep an eye on her as if this is the only way she can drink then maybe not for her

ElizabethHoover · 01/01/2015 14:56

plus young people who drink do dickish things and expose themselves to risk, there is also risks about the link of young use of alcohol to depression

AmantesSuntAmentes · 01/01/2015 14:58

Elizabeth, as I said, I believe there is a happy medium.

No-one is in a "rush to make our most precious 'assets' drinkers?" but I do believe sensibly supporting teens in their learning about alcohol is a positive way forward.

To assume our most precious assets won't drink, can have equally disastrous consequences to assuming a flippant attitude, hence my preference for an approach in the middle. A supportive (in educational terms) yet not enabling approach.

noddyholder · 01/01/2015 14:59

Well alcohol is a depressant and when you are discovering who you are and working things out it is not a help! SO difficult to strike a balance but its better to tackle it at 15 although that is easy to say as at 15 I still had quite a lot of control and influence and thats not always the case

ElizabethHoover · 01/01/2015 15:00

i dont presume they won't drink Confused

SuburbanRhonda · 01/01/2015 15:02

elizabeth, did your 16-year-old really say:

The teenager just sounds quite stupid really ... She sounds quite immature and probably only a really bad experience with it would calm her down?

Is he actually 50 years old? Xmas Grin

noddyholder · 01/01/2015 15:05

We have had about 6 or 7 biggish parties in our house over the years same friendship group from when they were 15 until now 20 and all at university. The same ones get smashed/sick/silly/aggressive etc that did at the start which is why you need to deal with it. I don;t really know anyone who has done the teens drinking at home and I live in liberalsville!

Rivercam · 01/01/2015 15:16

We allowed our 15 year old a bottle of cider last night, plus some sparkling wine ( champagne alternative), at midnight. We're taking the view that we don't want it to be a forbidden fruit, but okay in moderation.

my niece was't 18 until end of June so never drank alcohol in pubs. She wasn't bothered. However, when she discovered alcohol, she went the other way and started binge drinking. Now she is through that phase.

Rivercam · 01/01/2015 15:17

Ps. I'm not talking about a large bottle of woodpeckers, but the glass bottle size

Ohmygrood · 01/01/2015 15:23

I agree with Elizabeth. I've been looking at the research into alcohol lately as I have teens.
The research indicates that children who drink before age 15 are more likely to develop serious alcohol problems later on and that there's a relationship with adolescent drinking and mental health problems later on in life.

SecretSquirrels · 01/01/2015 15:28

Camomileteaneeded As with all parenting issues I think there is a mix of nature and nurture. We all do our best.
I don't think an outright ban on alcohol is enforceable with a 16 year old and she needs to learn to moderate herself.

Mine are 16 and 18.
DH and I drink regularly at home but not to excess. I have tried to educate them about what they drink as well as how much. It's very easy to get very drunk very quickly on vodka. Beer or cider not so much.
Our approach with DC was to allow a drink on special occasions from about 14.
From 16 they were allowed to take a drink to a party, usually a couple of bottles of cider or beer for their own consumption.
For DC1 the first party where alcohol was involved was in year 11 when they were all having 16th birthdays.
DS1 is 18 and has only been drunk once when he was 18. DS2 took 2 bottles of beer with him to a party last night and brought one back.

With the OP's DD I think I would say no to parties for a while if it's impossible to avoid alcohol. I would also try to find out what she is drinking and see if you can come up with an alternative drink for her that is less alcoholic?

AmantesSuntAmentes · 01/01/2015 15:33

The issue is, I think, that you cannot control whether they drink or not. You can control whether they receive support in learning their limits, in a safe environment.

OccamsLadyshave · 01/01/2015 15:38

I was the product of the healthy occasional half glass at home parents and i was a terrible binge drinker from around age 17 to 39. I gave up last year.

I don't think my parents made a scrap of difference to my drinking. I drank to avoid social anxiety and it worked. I'm struggling now socially because I can't drink any more.

I let my 13yo have a thimbleful of cider last night but I don't imagine that will magically make her an alcoholic or give her a healthy relationship with alcohol. If she feels she needs it to fit in she'll drink anyway.

noddyholder · 01/01/2015 15:40

I think sitting at a table with your parents with a watered down glass of wine with your shepherds pie does not prepare you in any way for the peer pressure of teenage parties etc They are completely different settings and while you may think it prepares them I think old school talking and disapproval does have some effect.

noddyholder · 01/01/2015 15:41

Occams amen to that

ShirleyYoureNotSerious · 01/01/2015 15:46

I'm an uptight parent. Mine have never come home drunk and still now the adult ones wouldn't dare. They know perfectly well that regardless of age they simply wouldn't be let into the house if they were. Those are my rules and they respect them, if only for fear of the consequences.

Your child is 15. You call the shots and make the rules. I disagree that this is "fairly normal" for a 15 year old kid. It's only "normal" if you allow it. Who's in charge here?
The way to stop her coming home from parties drunk is not to let her go if she can't be trusted. No discussion. No argument.

FWIW alcohol isn't taboo in this house. We drink in moderation and offer alcohol (not spirits) to the older teens in moderation with dinner/at Christmas and New Year etc. Occasionally someone might ask if they can have a beer if we open one of an evening and that's fine. I've never seen the value in making alcohol forbidden fruit but on the other hand it's completely out of my range of acceptable parenting to send a 14/15/16/17 year old out to a party with a bottle of vodka either, as some parents I've known do.

Claybury · 01/01/2015 15:53

Such an impossible thing to get right as a parent !
DS 17 started drinking and more often smoking weed at 14 but has never returned home in a bad state, always texts when he's coming home etc. I've always worried about him though because of the drugs and because he started so young. He will never drink with us- alcohol to him is certainly a drug.
DD 16 doesn't go out socially, doesn't go to teen parties, and has been allowed the odd drink at home. Last night at midnight we had a few friends over and she decided she should have a drink at midnight 'because that what you do ' so found tequila in the cupboard and swigged from the bottle for the 'warm fuzzy feeling. '.... I think when she starts boozing she will be the sort that does it to excess.
DH and I both have a good relationship with alcohol - we have the odd drink and a few a parties but on most days none. So we model responsible and healthy behaviour without being anti nor too encouraging of it.

AmantesSuntAmentes · 01/01/2015 15:56

I'm an uptight parent. Mine have never come home drunk and still now the adult ones wouldn't dare. They know perfectly well that regardless of age they simply wouldn't be let into the house if they were. Those are my rules and they respect them, if only for fear of the consequences.

That's exactly what my mother used to say - so I got drunk and spent full nights or even entire weekends at strangers parties, slept rough or just anywhere. By my mid teens I had been assaulted, sexually assaulted and at risk of every kind of harm imaginable.

However, you say alcohol isn't a taboo in your home and the older teens are allowed an odd tipple here and there.

This wasn't the case for me. I wish my parents had had a more balanced approach!

SuburbanRhonda · 01/01/2015 15:57

Agree with secretsquirrels.

I'm not sure if there actually is any research showing a link between parents being uptight about alcohol and alcoholism in their adult children.

But it just seems so joyless to run a household where alcohol is rationed, even to teenagers of legal drinking age, as at shirley's.

ShirleyYoureNotSerious · 01/01/2015 16:22

You can call it joyless if you like Rhonda. I prefer the words 'civilised', 'respectful' and 'responsible'.

There's plenty of joy to be found here. That's why we've had a houseful of the DC's friends throughout the Christmas and New year period; dropping in to say hello, stopping for dinner and late into the night, a couple staying over, dropping off presents (even two with presents for me, which were wonderful surprises). I don't like or trust anyone who's drunk, I don't find their company in the least entertaining or interesting and I don't feel comfortable with it. There's no reason why I should feel like that in the house I own and pay for.

Amantes, I'm sorry about your experiences. Flowers

Original poster
Camomileteaneeded · 01/01/2015 16:27

Thanks everyone , I've been thinking about this all day . I really want to help DD have a safe and healthy attitude to alcohol . She's 16 in a month and I'm not naive enough to think that I can control her 100 % as some parents believe is possible .
But of course I'm aware " I'm the parent " Hmm which is why I asked for others advice in how they would handle things .

We have a glass of wine with our meal fairly frequently but are not heavy drinkers ourselves , I've seen up close what that can do . I also don't believe we enable or ban her from drinking . IYKWIM. I was born with a 35 year old head on my shoulders , skipped the teens , but DH was a bit of a party boy so we have views from each side . I had hoped she'd had a well balanced view on drinking .

So on reflection , I think secretsquirrels speaks a lot of sense ( as do others , thank you ) .
A ban on her going to parties for a few months ( it's not that often , as I said 4 in 6 months so far ) Socialising as she normally does with friends , sleepovers here and her normal life activities carry on as usual . Carry on talking , look for some online teen advice about safe limits / risks etc , and reassess when she's 6 months older ( and fingers crossed , wiser )

OP posts:
unlucky83 · 01/01/2015 17:02

I was going to say educate and encourage her to know her limits, when to stop - which is before you have drunk enough to lose common sense and think one more is not a bad idea.
To know how much she is drinking (stay away from a glass just being constantly topped up - a can or a bottle is better cos you know (but to keep an eye on them - I was horrendously sick at a party as a teen and still 30yrs hate lager -a joker had been topping up my can of lager with vodka) To have the self confidence be able to say no - even be sneaky (pour down sink/spill etc)...
But also make her suffer the consequences - don't make allowances for a hangover - kippers for breakfast, 'accidental banging' around, loud music etc -don't change the plans, don't let her sleep in etc etc...she cleans up her own vomit (with a hangover)...
What we used to say as young catering workers is 'if you can't hack it, don't do it' - so no phoning in sick etc - you have to get on with it. Nothing worse than feeling absolutely dreadful, having a whinge and some smug git person saying that to you...