Should I be disappointed in my daughter?

[nellal123]

This is my first post having been a long time lurker.

My daughter is 16 and in a serious relationship with her boyfriend who is just under two years older. They have been together for about four months, although were best friends for a long time before that, and appear to be very loving and committed to each other, and want a future together. I suspected that they may have begun a sexual relationship, or were at least planning on it, so one evening I confronted her about it and she told me that they had. I was shocked as I didn’t believe she would have done this so young, as this is not the way I believe I have brought her up. She was always such a sensible young girl who spent time with her friends and family and worked hard on her hobbies and education. I am so disappointed in her lack of morals. I brought her up to act more responsibly than this.

I feel like having taken this path into such an adult relationship at such a young age it will be damaging to her future and to her education, meaning she will not reach her full potential. Is it right to think this? I have told her that she must go and see a GP or sexual health nurse, not necessarily with me, and get herself on the pill as well as using condoms to ensure the most protection and safety from STDs and Pregnancy. I have pressed upon her my views that she is too young and should wait until she is 18 when she can be physically and emotionally ready for such a relationship, as I feel she is far too young and should wait until the end of her education. I have made my feelings clear that I disagree with the path she has taken, but she has said she is 16 and in love so it is her right to do what she feels best. I know that her and her boyfriend are very much in love and I do like her boyfriend as he is a polite and caring young gentleman, however I do not agree with their choice to not wait and have made that clear. What do other people think? Am I being too severe?
My daughter has also asked if she can go away for a couple of nights with her boyfriend, as they would like to get away from stresses they have faced at home. They also think it will be good for when said boyfriend goes away to university next year and she wants to go and visit for some nights. I have positively refused this suggestion, as I cannot give her permission to have sex for three days straight in a hotel room. She has claimed they want to spend some time relaxing and exploring wherever they may go, however I know this is what they want to do and I do not want to allow it. I have told her that I will not let her go away with her boyfriend until she is 18 and moves out for university, as I do not agree with what they are doing and how they have handled their relationship. Is this the right thing to do?

I am not too sure how to handle the situation in the best way, so am open to opinions and suggestions. She seems to think I don't love or care about her but I don't think I have done anything wrong .

From reading your message and your reaction you'd think she'd been sh*ging half the town!

You sound just like my Mum.

I have very little relationship with her these days.

We are in a similar position except my daughter isn't quite 16 yet. She has, however, been with the same lad for over a year and is in a loving relationship. She has told me that her first time was gentle and loving (I didn't need to know any more than that!). I'm so glad that her first experience was loving, as your early sex life can shape your adult sex life (take it from one who knows, and my first experience wasn't like my DD's). I don't condone her having sex right now, and I do wish that she had waited a bit longer, but I'm also glad that she and her boyfriend were mature enough to talk about it for a long time before and they made sure that they took proper precautions. I'm proud of that.

Exploring sexuality within a loving relationship, with a partner you have known for a long time, while taking precautions is immoral
You are disappointed and feel your DD has no morals?!!!!
Was your DD the result of an immaculate conception?

Sorry OP I think you are being incredibly harsh.
Put yourself in your DD shoes. She feels that this is right for her as a young woman and is asking you to support her.

I'm not saying that should be an easy thing for you to do. Allowing her to go and stay in a hotel for a few days must be an incredibly hard thing to allow (I'm sure my 18yr old has been having sleepovers at friends during past couple of years, but it's possible that was a cover story a version of event we were both more comfortable believing perhaps )
It's so incredibly difficult to adapt parenting to the needs of young, independant adults but failing to do tht and continue to parent with the same level of control you had when DD was 5 will not be good for your relationship.

Hands up how many posters had sexual experiences under age of 18 that their parents had no idea about, that were not relationships?

I feel very sorry for parents whose views on sexual morality are now old fashioned. We're all entitled to our own morality and I'm sure most of us hope our children will share it. Nowadays though it's rare for young people not to have had sex by the time they're 18 and approx. half of young people in Britain begin having sex when they're 16. So your DD is normal and it's perhaps unrealistic to expect her to wait. To hope she would wait is natural IMO.

I hoped my teenagers would be completely focussed on their exams and not have relationships till they were out of the way. It probably does distract them from studying. Not necessarily of course. I hoped my children would make lots of choices different from the ones they've made and have some qualities that they don't have. But they've surprised me by having some good qualities that I didn't even dare to hope for.

Our children are not us. We can't expect or even hope that they will be perfect. We weren't perfect after all and we can't hope that they will be like us.

Re the weekend. You can't stop her going if she's determined. But you can advise her against it if you think she doesn't have time. You can tell her that she's free to go but you don't think it's a good idea. You don't have to give your approval. She is at a stage where she wants to make her own choices but have your approval too. Ocassionally she won't be able to have both and she'll have to accept that.

A word of advice though - at this age the relationship isn't likely to be long-lasting. (it might be, but probably not). Remember that your relationship with your DD will continue long after this BF. Don't allow a temporary relationship situation to spoil the good relationship you want to keep with your DD.

What is immoral about having consensual sex within a loving relationship when you're over the age of consent? Nothing. Her body, her rules. You didn't have the right to 'confront' her about her perfectly legal sex life, never mind rending your garments over her maidenhood. Heavens above.

All you're doing is shaming her and pushing her away, OP. You need to get a handle on this before it irreparably damages your relationship.

You've overreacted and been a bit ridiculous.

You sound a bit like my mum was when I was a teen. We get on well now but it was difficult for a few years when I was younger as she could be very judgmental about me going out, boyfriends etc. I was a nice and normal teen, good grades at school, and had a "serious" boyfriend from the age of 15 until we eventually broke up when going to separate universities. Being in a relationship and having sex while at school/sixth form didn't hamper my education in the slightest. Got straight As went on to get a First, now I'm a lawyer. Suggesting that a 16 year old having sex is going to turn her into a drop out is just silly. She sounds a nice, normal girl. She's growing up and you need to give her a break.

Do you realise she actually hasn't done anything wrong?

The words disappointed and not moral are a serious over statement for this issue op.

As a Mother you have concerns but you confronted your dd really? Did you demand and harangue as well?

You have seriously over stepped your boundaries and have utterly disrespected her life choices, of which she is now of age to make on her own.

And yet this young woman still chose to respect you as her mother and tell you frankly and honestly what she is doing In her life.

If you carry on as you have been you'll be lucky if she ever shares anything with you ever again. You sounds crass insensitive and judgmental, but overall she has turned out to be what I can only assume is a rather lovely young woman who is respectfully exploring her sexuality and boundaries. You on the other hand if you carry on will give her a complex, and low self esteem issues.

My opinion is. What could be a better way of loosing your virginity than in a loving relationship.
I can not understand why you feel it is so bad to have sex 3 days in a row ! They are in a relationship. Once a week or 10 times a week makes no difference.
I feel it is your feelings about letting her grow up is the problem.
Nearly every 16 year old is interested in relationships etc. I think you have an unrealistic view of what that age group feels.

You sound just like my mum. Loving relationship but I was 16 so she called me a slut.
We have a good relationship now but she massively overreacted to me starting to have sex and it made our relationship very difficult for a number of years.

I think she wanted to same for me as she had. Meet nice man at Uni and marry him (so sex before marriage but with only one partner). Is this what you had hoped for for your dd?

IMHO, immoral is murder, lying, cheating, being overly selfish, and in the world of sex, murder, lying, cheating, being overly selfish...

Sex within a loving relationship is definitely not immoral.

You're crazy.

Your daughter sounds incredibly sensible. She has known this gentleman (your words) for a while but only started being together in the last four months.

I will probably feel like you when my daughter hits 16 but my main concern will be to make sure she is in a similar situation to your daughter and not sleeping with a moron!

immoral? you're really strange and need to get a grip.

People seem to be saying the same thing. Your daughter sounds sensible and mature. Even after several posts disagreeing with you, you started on about her 'morals'. Quite frankly, I wonder why you have posted, you so plainly only want people to agree with your draconian views. If you want to lose your daughter's respect, keep on as you are.

I do think it is a mistake to make too big a deal out of this to your daughter. My parents took great exception to me starting a sexual relationship in the context of a loving and committed relationship when I was young, and it did nothing to stop me but was very damaging to my relationship with my parents. If anything, the fuss being made about sex by them, and their attempts to prevent me doing it, only made me more determined to do it and made it seem all the more exciting. It was I also think very damaging to my self esteem because from my point of view I had met someone I loved and wanted to be with, and was being treated like dirt for doing so. I could never really make sense of that, so ultimately I always felt that I was dirty and disgusting for wanting to do something which was essentially spontaneous and loving.

Please don't let your daughter see that you are "disappointed" in her. She and her partner sound very sweet and responsible and thoughtful. Explain to her you are worried about her future, and want to see her do well in life. I'm sure she will do her best to live up to your expectations, but please try to express these positively.

Yes she's 16 and it's her body and her life.

I assumed he has a place, enough money and experience to bring up a baby if it should happen.

But I doubt it.

Op I hope you are ok - this thread has had some strong responses that may have been a bit hard for you to take on board - I hope your relationship with your DD is still good.

What age were you OP when you lost your virginity? Does that shape how you feel about it? I was 15 but in a long term relationship & all was good. She won't listen to you anyway as she's in love & if they were best friends first then it might be quite intense for them. Try to take a step back, be honest with her that you're struggling with how to deal with this & apologise for overreacting, tell her you want to be able to communicate & if she ever needs you to talk to when things are bad or when things are great, you'd be delighted if she knew she could always come to you. I don't think she's likely to put up with that sort of talking to for much longer.

You obviously think very highly of her & how you've raised her. If she's a strong woman then trust her to make the right decisions for herself emotionally too. Good luck

My DD is also 16 and is also in a loving relationship with an older teenage boy.

She is not a Christian and has not made a committment to be celibate or abstain from sex before marriage.

Who touches her, how she deals with her privacy and relationships is up to her now that she is 16. She wouldn't cheat on someone. She wouldn't put up with a controlling, selfish or obsessive boyfriend. She wouldn't want to have sex outside of a long term relationship, one night stands do not appeal to her, she doesn't see the point. She doesn't want children for at least another decade, maybe never.

It is her body and she has the right to make her own choices about her body and her life.

She is very young in years, but has been thrrough a lot. She's been to hell and back. She has a lot of scars. Yet she is one of the most sensible, caring, least 'damaged' people I have ever met. I am hugely proud of her, and part of that pride is based on her relationships with her friends, including her boyfriend.

What has she done wrong?She's in a loving, secure relationship with a decent person, and she's over the age of consent? I'm a bit confused-I can think of many ways to go about sexual relationships in the wrong way, but this is NOT one of them?!