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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Should I be disappointed in my daughter?

70 replies

nellal123 · 23/11/2014 22:48

This is my first post having been a long time lurker.

My daughter is 16 and in a serious relationship with her boyfriend who is just under two years older. They have been together for about four months, although were best friends for a long time before that, and appear to be very loving and committed to each other, and want a future together. I suspected that they may have begun a sexual relationship, or were at least planning on it, so one evening I confronted her about it and she told me that they had. I was shocked as I didn’t believe she would have done this so young, as this is not the way I believe I have brought her up. She was always such a sensible young girl who spent time with her friends and family and worked hard on her hobbies and education. I am so disappointed in her lack of morals. I brought her up to act more responsibly than this.

I feel like having taken this path into such an adult relationship at such a young age it will be damaging to her future and to her education, meaning she will not reach her full potential. Is it right to think this? I have told her that she must go and see a GP or sexual health nurse, not necessarily with me, and get herself on the pill as well as using condoms to ensure the most protection and safety from STDs and Pregnancy. I have pressed upon her my views that she is too young and should wait until she is 18 when she can be physically and emotionally ready for such a relationship, as I feel she is far too young and should wait until the end of her education. I have made my feelings clear that I disagree with the path she has taken, but she has said she is 16 and in love so it is her right to do what she feels best. I know that her and her boyfriend are very much in love and I do like her boyfriend as he is a polite and caring young gentleman, however I do not agree with their choice to not wait and have made that clear. What do other people think? Am I being too severe?
My daughter has also asked if she can go away for a couple of nights with her boyfriend, as they would like to get away from stresses they have faced at home. They also think it will be good for when said boyfriend goes away to university next year and she wants to go and visit for some nights. I have positively refused this suggestion, as I cannot give her permission to have sex for three days straight in a hotel room. She has claimed they want to spend some time relaxing and exploring wherever they may go, however I know this is what they want to do and I do not want to allow it. I have told her that I will not let her go away with her boyfriend until she is 18 and moves out for university, as I do not agree with what they are doing and how they have handled their relationship. Is this the right thing to do?

I am not too sure how to handle the situation in the best way, so am open to opinions and suggestions. She seems to think I don't love or care about her but I don't think I have done anything wrong Sad.

OP posts:
magpiegin · 24/11/2014 06:37

What do you think is immoral about what she is doing? Unfortunately I think you have ruined any chance of your daughter confiding in you about anything else as she is going to think you will over react and judge her,

ShizeItsWeegie · 24/11/2014 06:50

Is this a reverse...or worse?

If neither of the above. It's a pity you didn't post on Mumsnet to ask if you are being too severe etc before you 'confronted' your girl. Your attitude will preclude her from confiding or telling anything to you unless you are very lucky. You should have a talk with her and tell her you over reacted. There is a phenomenon where a parent like you can push them along a path that they wouldn't go so far along without the stance you have taken.

constantlyconfused · 24/11/2014 08:47

I would be proud she waited till the legal age with someone she loves and obviously knows very well given they were best friends . DD is 14 and has been telling me all sorts of "she slept with him but he was with someone else" stories for over a year so it could be tons worse !
Although I imagine its a horrid thought whatever age they are so maybe stop thinking about it and leave her to it she sounds very sensible to me .

dancestomyowntune · 24/11/2014 08:59

I think you have totally over reacted a other posters have said. Your daughter is 16, not 14, and in a loving relationship. You risk pushing her away for ever and for what? You say you like the boyfriend, you say she is using protection, she sounds lovely and quite mature compared to some young people who Have a different sexual partner every weekend!

She was honest wih you, the right thing for you to do now is to be understanding and let her make her own decisions. She didn't have to tell you, but she did, and you have blown up At her about it. You are being totally unreasonable.

HesNotAMessiah · 24/11/2014 10:52

I think the OP is getting a tough time here.

We all have hopes and dreams for our kids, it's not unnatural to be disappointed when they don't materialise.

And it's difficult not to react to finding out your daughter has given in to 'base carnal instincts' with disappointment. Especially when her relationship is only a few months old, and a tendency to blame the b/f when he's that bit older. In fact blame the b/f any time for being a boy!

I'm sure a lot of mum's, regardless or even because of their own 'first time', want it to be a special moment, when their daughter's have grown into lovely, mature young women. And for it to be with a lovely, mature young man.

Instead it's 16, and probably the time when the OP is struggling to come to terms with the young person (and I don't use the word adult deliberately) her daughter has become. No longer her little girl, but not the adult she sees in the future somewhere.

You only have to read half the posts on here to see how many parents are upset and disappointed at their teen's behaviour and how many have failed to live up to their parents' expectations.

But when it's lying in bed all day, or not bothering with school work, swearing at parents, not lifting a finger to help, staying out all night, not getting a job.... then that's not to be tolerated, it should be treated with 'tough love' and house rules should be kept to.

But start shagging your boyfriend and that's a lovely mature moment.

Just offering a different perspective......

makeitabetterplace · 24/11/2014 10:56

I started having a sexual relationship when I was just 17 with a boy I stayed with for several years. I really, strongly believe it was the best possible start to my sex life and relationship life. Far better than a one night fling at uni when I was 18 etc. he loved me and I loved him very dearly, in fact we are still good friends now some 20 years later.

If my mum had flipped her lid like you did I certainly wouldn't have reacted as calmly as your daughter seems to have done. Chill out.

Babiecakes11 · 24/11/2014 11:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sliceofsoup · 24/11/2014 11:24

It is normal to be concerned about sex so young, and it is normal to be shocked and hurt and panicked that your child is suddenly growing up.

But lets be clear OP, there is nothing immoral about having sex outside of wedlock in this day and age, whether we are 16 or 60.

Her having sex with the person she loves does not make her lacking in morals. End of.

Mrsjayy · 24/11/2014 11:58

Your dd sounds sensible you sound a tad over dramatic she is 16 yr old not 12 you need to calm down and leave her alone, btw my own dd has been with her boyfriend since she was 16 he is was 18 dd hasn't failed at anything because she was having sex at 16 she is working doing an honours degree blah blah girls do have sex and be successful you know.

Mrsjayy · 24/11/2014 12:04

Btw I don't think I would be happy for my 16yr old to go away though

SusanIvanova · 24/11/2014 22:32

I was 14. I felt ready and do not regret my decision. Be happy she waited for legality.

Chaseface · 24/11/2014 22:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nellal123 · 25/11/2014 08:35

I can assure everyone asking this is not a reverse.

OP posts:
TittingAbout · 25/11/2014 08:43

Then you need to get a hobby, OP.

Or a grip.

ireallydontlikemonday · 25/11/2014 08:48

I don't think your daughter will yell you anything any more.

Solasum · 25/11/2014 08:48

OP. When I was a teenager I had a brief sexual relationship with a man 10 years my senior (in retrospect, yuck). Why? Significantly because my mother found out about him very early on, and reacted much as you have. So we did have sex, partially as backlash against her. There was no love, or really even affection involved. It remains my only real regret. In contrast Your daughter is practising safe sex in a loving relationship. That is a brilliant thing, and shows how you have raised her to respect herself, and her partner. She has done nothing wrong. I think you should apologise to her. That said, I am not sure I would let them go away alone just yet.

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 25/11/2014 08:53

I lost my virginity at 16. BF was 2 years older. We were in a loving, committed relationship and stayed together for 8 years before sadly splitting. I have a law degree, a masters and a high earning career. I am now married with a DD. Why on earth would choosing to have sex at 16 affect her education?? I'm slightly baffled. You have massively overreacted.

NoLongerJustAShopGirl · 25/11/2014 08:55

I think it is wonderful that your DD is exploring the first exhilarating rushes of sex with a loving partner who you like whilst still living at home in that safe cosseted environment where mum cares.

Much better now than when she shoots off to uni - has less immediate support available and feels she has to "keep up" with her peers..

FarOverTheRainbow · 25/11/2014 08:58

Total overreaction I feel for your poor DD Hmm

MyballsareSandy · 25/11/2014 09:11

I have two 13 year old girls and if they wait until they are 16 and are in a loving relationship like your daughter, then I will be happy, certainly not disappointed.

Please try and hide your disappointment and speak again to your daughter, she must feel so hurt by your response.

Pelicangiraffe · 25/11/2014 09:22

The best way to ruin the relationship you have with your DD is to sit in judgement of her. What right do you have to judge her?

The best way to help develop your relationship is to be accepting and treasure your DD.

She is a young woman in a very sensible steady relationship. It's great to discuss her future and contraception in a positive light because you care for her.

She's not taking heroin, she's not sleeping with unknown men, she's not getting senselessly drunk every night or joining some unsavoury cult. She is studying hard, in love with a steady boyfriend and sounds quite responsible.

Karasea · 25/11/2014 09:26

The posters are so right on this one - you risk your whole relationship with your daughter. Really you have the issues with this one. Most people do not see legal sex in a loving relationship as immoral. You see their trip away as 3 days of carnality - maybe but actually they may well do lots of lunches, walks and cuddling.

Love for our children is strengthened by being unconditional. Mature intelligent teens need to make their own choices.

My mother was similar to you-I spent my teens feeling like I was making excuses for her limitations. Actually I did this and we still have an ok relationship but only because she was compelled to grow up when I moved out at 16. And all the great sex was fab and no barrier to a great degree on a good course and a good subsequent career

TheWordFactory · 25/11/2014 09:37

Oh I think its always going to be hard to think of your child in a. Sexual relationship.

Especially at an age when so many of them still seem so young and daftGrin.

But we have to accept it happens and be glad when they feel they can talk to us about it!

I these circumstances my main concern would actually be the nature of the relationship and how serious they seem. Is want my own DC to be planning adventures not playing married couples.

That said, most of these relationships don't survive freshers week.

CalamityKate1 · 25/11/2014 09:47

Morals?!

She sounds lovely. You sound weird.

grumpyoldgitagain · 25/11/2014 10:00

Your daughter sounds like a very sensible girl, more so than you do

I met my wife when she was 16 and we have been together since (22yrs)

Her mother was initially the same as you in attitude and all she did was rebel against her and it made her more determined to do what she wanted not be dictated to

Lighten up, she has waited until she is 16 and in a loving relationship, you may well be looking back in 20 years time with grandkids around and them still together sat remembering about how awkward you made things for them while having a good laugh about it, or you could carry on push her away and her leave home which she can do now she is 16 and never see her again

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