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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

16 yr old dd wants new bf to stay over at the weekend...

46 replies

Butterflyface · 14/11/2014 08:07

which is fine, except I have always said that when she gets her first, serious b/f, and they stay over, then we have to go to the doc's to get contraception sorted out first.
Now, however, she doesn't want to do it. She says he's really shy, 'won't even kiss her', and that she's said, clothes on, and no bedroom shenanigans, which I think is fair enough, but I think I'll get some condoms and put them in the bathroom door and make sure she knows they're there. Does that sound about the right level of 'assistance' without being too interfering or not helping enough? I was going to get her on the pill as well, but she's too scared to go to the doctor's, and obviously doesn't feel ready for it, so I'm not going to push it. I just really, really, don't want her to get pregnant or get an std (unlikely as they're both obviously virginal, but nevertheless, better to have a belt and braces attitude, I feel). Am I being a pushy mother?

OP posts:
AMumInScotland · 14/11/2014 08:45

Why does she want him to stay in her room (and presumably her bed) if they're not doing anything? I'd let him stay on the basis of 'friends' and put him in the spare room/on the sofa/sleeping bag on the living room floor.

I think you're right to try to insist on her getting contraceptive advice if they're going to be sharing a bed, but if she's not ready for one then she's not ready for the other, IYSWIM?

I know adults of the opposite sex do share beds without having sex of course, but they both sound too hesitant about this relationship to have reached that as a sensible adult decision. It sounds more like she thinks things ought to progress to sharing a bed and having him 'stay over' rather than it being a natural progression of a hormonal teenage relationship.

Basically, I think I'm saying she sounds too young to decide to have sex, just about smart enough to realise that, but pushing this relationship because of peer pressure or what she thinks is supposed to happen.

NewEraNewMindset · 14/11/2014 08:47

Why does he need to stay over OP? I think I would be allowing the relationship a little more time before I was allowing sleepovers at 16. The problem with allowing a new boyfriend to share a bed is in a couple of months time there might be a new 'new boyfriend' and you've set a precedent for what's ok.

RudyMentary · 14/11/2014 08:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mrsjayy · 14/11/2014 08:56

Why are you allowing a new boyfriend to stay over I don't understand id let him sleep on the couch or in another room leaving condoms is a bit cringey but each to their own

MyballsareSandy · 14/11/2014 08:59

Bit young for all that I think, esp if it's a new boyfriend.

alemci · 14/11/2014 09:00

dd at uni is bringing bf home next weekend but he sleeps in her room and she sleeps in other dds room. her idea not mine. so much easier.

let him stay in another room. relationship may last longer?

Mrsjayy · 14/11/2014 09:04

If I am honest and im not having a dig at you but I agree with a pp you are encouraging an adult relationship I think your dd think s that is what shes supposed to do have a bf stsy and share a bed they sound to imature he won't kiss her but sharing a bed is fine it all sounds really awkward for them both,

ThePeoplePleaser · 14/11/2014 09:12

What other posters have said. Separate room.
My little sister was allowed her 'serious' bf to stay over in the same bed...then when that relationship was finished..another one was allowed..then another...and tbh younger family members saw it and became confused by it. I don't think it's right to encourage at all.

LikeSilver · 14/11/2014 09:30

My mum allowed my boyfriends to stay over from the age of 16. I've only ever really been one for long-term relationships though - only had three boyfriends before DH. I was on the pill from the age of 14 due to horrendous periods, got my first serious boyfriend age 15, and he stayed over (in a separate room the first few times and then in my room) from the age of 16. My mum made sure I had condoms in my room - I don't think that is 'cringey' I think it's sensible and I would go as far as to make sure my dd knew exactly how to use them no matter how embarrassed she was at the time I was showing her! Particularly if she didn't wish to start any form of hormonal contraception.

I don't believe you are encouraging a sexual relationship as such - your dd has made a request and it's your judgement as to whether she is mature enough for you to agree. I guess I compare my experience - trusted to make my own decision/mistakes and provided with information and protection - with my best friend at school's - her mum didn't allow boyfriends full stop and she ended up having sex with her boyfriend round the back of Blockbuster Video for the first time (classy) and became pregnant very quickly. I know which experience I'd prefer for my own dd.

Bowlersarm · 14/11/2014 09:35

At 16 we insisted they sleep in different rooms, although accepted there may be a bit of corridor creeping, so I would agree with your talk about contraceptives. At 18 we let DS openly have his girlfriend sleep in his room.

saintsandpoets · 14/11/2014 09:36

Leave her to it, and make him sleep on the sofa. She'll get there in her own time.

Agree with other posters, at 18 they can share a bed.

Mrsjayy · 14/11/2014 09:38

The reason I said it was cringey was the daughter said he was to shy to even kiss her not that condoms were cringey or having them in the bathroom, as I said each to their own but I think boyfriends that are new should be on the sofa

secretsquirrels · 14/11/2014 09:48

She has made it clear she is not ready for sex. Make it easy for her by insisting on separate rooms until she is 18 and in a long term relationship.

As to the condoms. I think it's sensible with older teens to make a supply available, even if you don't think they want them, before it's too late.

HesNotAMessiah · 14/11/2014 10:48

New b/f? So lots of questions like

  • have you met him?
  • does he live so far away they'll miss valuable hours of siamese twin teen love time if he has to go home and moe back in the morning?

I'm fascinated by this seeming urge amongst modern mums to get their daughters sexually active as soon as they possibly can. Is it some reaction to the angst of those teen years, something to reconnect with a distant daughter over?

From our own experience, she really needs to know this boy for who he is, know that he respects and cares for her, trust him with her heart before they try getting down and dirty.

Throwing up a pile of emotional issues early on because they've had sex seems a bit rushed to me.

ChillySundays · 14/11/2014 13:31

DD19 and still separate rooms. Her dad will not allow it although I sometimes think she's an adult.

Separate rooms as his house as well (according to his mum)

youmakemydreams · 14/11/2014 13:39

I think if she isn't ready to have the contraception talk with a gp she isn't ready to have a bf stay in her bed overnight.

I totally understand you wanting her to be prepared but they sound a little immature for the sleeping arrangements you are suggesting.
I was having sex at her age but had been in the relationship for over a year by that point and it was the natural teenage hormone fueled progression and had already sorted out contraception long before.

If he stays over I think separate rooms for now. My personal opinion is that I won't be allowing boyfriends in the same room until it is a more serious relationship. I mean how new is new?

bigTillyMint · 14/11/2014 13:47

Gosh, this sounds tricky. I totally get that you want to ensure they use contraception, but it doesn't sound from your post that they are actually ready for full sex anyway. Does she really want him to stay in her room?

BertieBotts · 14/11/2014 13:48

Er, why are you letting him stay over since he's a new BF?

Boundaries! Seriously!

BertieBotts · 14/11/2014 13:50

Blah, that wasn't very articulate. I mean, it seems early. They sound immature as others have said.

What's the problem with keeping it daytime only? Yes I know she's 16 blah blah but she still lives in your house and she'll have plenty of time for overnight stays. Why rush things?

MymumisaG · 14/11/2014 14:53

My dd also 16 has her boyfriend 17 to stay over occasionally and they share her bed. They have been together for seven months though, I wouldn't be happy if she had just met him. I don't think you can say it's ok at 18 or 19 but not at 16 - it's not the age but the maturity of the young person and the context of the relationship. In that I mean I am ok with dd and her boyfriend sleeping together as they are in a loving relationship but wouldn't be ok with one ds1 21 or ds2 18 bringing someone home with who they'd just met on a casual basis.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 14/11/2014 14:58

Don't push her into having sex before she is ready, which it sounds like you are doing!!

If he won't even kiss her then why in God's name is there a plan for them to share a bed??

How long have they considered themselves GF and BF?

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 14/11/2014 15:08

I would actually be taking quite a hard line here, which is that if she isn't prepared to show even enough maturity to go and discuss contraception with the Dr then she isn't ready for a sexual relationship.

They sound like children, playing at being grownups. I'm sure some of their peers do sleep together and so perhaps they feel that they 'ought' to, despite not really wanting to.

quietlysuggests · 14/11/2014 15:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dancergirl · 14/11/2014 15:41

Completely agree with quietly

OP you are trying too hard to be a cool mum. Teens don't want or need their parents to be their friends, they more than ever need guidance and firm boundaries.

Teens would never admit it, but in lots of instances they're actually quite pleased when their parents say 'no' about something.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 14/11/2014 15:52

My daughter had her boyfriend sleep over from about 17. I pretty much insisted she went on the pill before it happened, although she was adamant they weren't having sex. My argument wuss that if she had her contraception in place, she could take it at her own speed.

She's 19 now and has had two 10 month relationships. She wouldn't dream of trailing a bunch of randomers through our house.

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