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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

16 yr old dd wants new bf to stay over at the weekend...

46 replies

Butterflyface · 14/11/2014 08:07

which is fine, except I have always said that when she gets her first, serious b/f, and they stay over, then we have to go to the doc's to get contraception sorted out first.
Now, however, she doesn't want to do it. She says he's really shy, 'won't even kiss her', and that she's said, clothes on, and no bedroom shenanigans, which I think is fair enough, but I think I'll get some condoms and put them in the bathroom door and make sure she knows they're there. Does that sound about the right level of 'assistance' without being too interfering or not helping enough? I was going to get her on the pill as well, but she's too scared to go to the doctor's, and obviously doesn't feel ready for it, so I'm not going to push it. I just really, really, don't want her to get pregnant or get an std (unlikely as they're both obviously virginal, but nevertheless, better to have a belt and braces attitude, I feel). Am I being a pushy mother?

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 14/11/2014 15:57

I'd say that if he stays it would have to be in the spare room. I certainly wouldn't leave condoms around if she says she doesn't intend to have sex. I think 16 is too young to allow boyfriends to sleep in the say room.

solidussnake · 14/11/2014 16:01

My mother still says no. My mum's mum won't even let my dad stay over at their house. "not in my house" kind of thing. Even if we weren't having sex, the answer would still be a no. There are a lot of couples who don't want sex. my second relationship (which lasted a long while) he was like this. too nervous as I was his first bird. the nervousness wasn't for me, even at 15. i think just let them, but stop pushing sex on her. if she says they're not having sex, believe her. if you give her boundaries but still back off, she will still come to you when she needs contraception.

Writerwannabe83 · 14/11/2014 16:09

I was 20 before I was allowed a boyfriend to sleepover in my room and I had been in a relationship with him for about 10m before it was allowed.

The thought of a 16 year old having to share a bed with a boy when she may not really feel comfortable with it is actually quite upsetting. Maybe she is covering it but what if the guy is putting pressure on her to bed share? He may not be kissing her (so she says) but who knows what he might have in mind when he's under the quilt with her. If she was my daughter I would be worried about the whole set up and definitely not allow it.

Until this is a long term relationship and you have seen them together many times and you know in your heart that they are happy and they love each other and this boy respects and cares for your daughter then I absolutely definitely would not allow a sleepover.

Mrsjayy · 14/11/2014 16:59

My mum wouldn't let my then boyfriend now husband sleep in y room the night before we moved into our new house we had a baby

Mrsjayy · 14/11/2014 17:03

I agree with writer your daughter might want or need you to say no to this and tbh she could be lying about the to shy or feel pressured to have a boyfriend stay

TinklyLittleLaugh · 14/11/2014 17:14

It is very weird for an adult to want to control another adult's sexual behaviour. MiL (now deceased) refused to let DP and me share a bed under her roof, even when we had been together years and had a house and a mortgage. I think she had some big jealousy thing going on; apparently DP's younger brother had been allowed to have girls over. DP was always her favourite though.

furcoatbigknickers · 14/11/2014 17:18

Ok he might be shy now but when they are in bed together that might well change. If you dd won't see a doctor about contraception, no way should he b staying in her room.

At this stage seperate rooms seems more appropriate or not staying over

Original poster

Butterflyface · 14/11/2014 21:22

Thank you everyone - I think yes, this needs to be treated quite carefully - no, I certainly don't want her to feel pressured in to having sex, but I know she has enough confidence and knowledge to not give in to peer pressure. But then, when I had my first proper boyfriend at 16, my parents allowed us to have a double room together when we went on holiday with them, but his parents were 'not under my roof' sorts, and yes, it just ended up being a 'creep around at night' situation. I am not encouraging her to jump into bed with him too soon, but going from my own experiences, remembering what a pile of hormones I and all my friends were at the same age, I just want her to be aware that she need not take stupid risks if they decide they want to take that step. They've only been 'dating' a couple of months, but have secretly adored each other for the last couple of years - they're both just quite shy. As she was a 'happy accident' when I was relatively young, she's well aware that I really don't think unprotected sex is a good idea, unless you really want to ttc, and she's always said she'll be very careful.
With all the good will in the world though, I don't think separate rooms will stop them, if they want to do it, and I'd rather she felt ok to talk about it with us and be in her own environment, with family nearby, than round the back of a supermarket or in a park. Despite seeming quite shy, she's an avid feminist, active LGBT campaigner at school, and is always discussing anti-rape events reported in the media, so I'm quite sure she's not going to do anything before she feels ready. Thank you all for your comments though and I will show this thread to DH so we can discuss it further.

OP posts:

Idiotdh · 14/11/2014 23:39

It's just strange to meet a new boyfriend for the first time and he is sleeping over at your house in your daughters room. Say no, not in her room. Let them develop a relationship, let him get to know family and mix in and socialise with the family as a guest .

saintsandpoets · 15/11/2014 11:18

With all the good will in the world though, I don't think separate rooms will stop them

No, but it will give your daughter a get out of jail free card if she doesn't want to. Which is your priority here. Protecting your daughter.

iwantgin · 15/11/2014 11:27

I don't have a DD aged 16 -but Iused to be one. I never, ever had a bf sleep over at my DP's home. (I did move out at 18 though..).

Now I have DS who is 16 - I can't imagine him wanting to bring a girlfriend home to stay the night. Or I suppose he may, but I can't imagine them wanting to have the sex in the next room to 'the oldies'!

In your situation, OP - I would leave the contraception talk for now. Your DD knows the score and is old enough to take herself off to the Family PLanning or GP to sort out something. It does sound like she (and he) are not ready for sex. Let him stay over if necessary but separate rooms. That way - as a PP poster says - she has a 'get out' clause if she doesn't want to have sex with him.

I think that most teenage sex acts happen during the day in places far removed from their bed in the family home ;)

quietlysuggests · 15/11/2014 12:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bakingaddict · 15/11/2014 12:23

Ask your DD where she would like her BF to stay. Just because they are not having sex doesn't mean that they can't enjoy cuddling up with each other. If she is happy to have him in her bed then I wouldn't have a problem with this but if she'd prefer him in another room then go with that.

I think too often parents get fixated that sex must automatically be happening if young people are sharing a bed when for most young people, myself included, at that age the thought of doing it in earshot of parents was enough to fill me with horror. Even now I can't DTD if i'm staying at my parents or IL's house

Mrsjayy · 15/11/2014 12:25

It isn't about stopping sex it is about giving your child a boundary op saying well they will if they want to isn't the point imo

BertieBotts · 15/11/2014 14:01

I think it's silly to say that if they don't share a room they're going to do it around the back of a supermarket, they're not normally that desperate to have sex.

I agree it's nice to cuddle up and sleep with someone but I also think that's quite an intense emotional thing, especially if their relationship isn't that physical yet.

I also think it's a very good idea to give her that get out of jail free card as saintandpoets says. Just because she is a feminist and anti-rape, doesn't mean that she might find it hard to assert herself. (And I am not saying her BF is going to try and pressure her - from what you say I'm sure he wouldn't, but it's still about keeping the relationship at an appropriate level for now.)

notquiteruralbliss · 15/11/2014 20:28

Mine have had friends (same sex and opposite sex) for sleepovers whenever they have wanted to from when they were small. It has never been a big deal. And, as they have got older, there has been no presumption that they're having sex.

Calico1706 · 16/11/2014 19:09

My DS 16 and his GF 16 share his bed when she stays over. I did say that she should sleep on the sofa bed in the sitting room, but after a few times of it being obvious that she did not sleep there, my DH said I should let them sleep together, so I did. Though I am sure they were at it in the afternoon when everyone is out, to allowing to sleep together is not encouraging them to do something they are doing any way.

16 is the legal age and if it is something that your DD wants to do, let her. He does not sound that shy though if he is happy to come to a house he does not know and share her room.

AMumInScotland · 17/11/2014 09:13

I think you need to seriously consider the possibility that rather than peer pressure, she wants to impress you by showing how adult she is in 'owning' her sexuality and being self-confident and proactive in her relationships.

She is pushing to be more adult than she needs to be at 16. If this boy (and I think he's a boy and not a man) doesn't even kiss her, and they are both shy and it's a new relationship, then where does this urge to share a bed come from?

I don't think it's her hormones, and I don't think it's his. And from what you say she would be conscious of peer pressure and probably quite determined to defy it.

But she has a mother who has been telling her that it's ok to have sex at her age if she feels ready, and that the important thing is to avoid an unwanted pregnancy (and presumably STIs). Which is not a bad message to give her, and it's good that you and she can talk openly and she's aware of the issues. But she is still barely adult, and maybe just plain isn't ready for this step.

It sounds like you've been open with her about your own past, and the fact that you shared a bed with your boyfriend at her age. Take it as a positive that she considers you a role-model to follow, but please find some way to make it clear to her that you will be happy and proud if she decides not to do this for a long while yet, and that you (as a parent) feel this isn't the right step for her with this boyfriend at this stage in their relationship.

WreckTheHalls · 17/11/2014 09:21

I dont know...

At 16, she is legally allowed to be sexually active. Its about what your feelings are about her potentially having sex under your roof, really, isnt it?

My mum allowed my first boyfriend to sleep over sometimes at that age. We were sexually active. We had had the contraception talk, though, and I was on the pill and using condoms. My mum certainly wasnt acting like a 'friend'. She was just realistic and wanted me to be safe and happy.

I had another boyfriend from 17-18, and a different one from 18-19, and they were also allowed to stay. The 'precedent' she was setting is that its OK to have sex! Its fine. Just be safe and make sure its what you want. I think it was a healthy attitude to take and far better than the draconian parents who were 'banning' sleepovers while their daughters sneaked about behind their backs shagging blokes in dodgy situations.

Your daughter does seem to have been honest with you, though, and you can obviously discuss these things with her....so really your choice based on what you feel is right.

tightywhitey · 30/11/2014 21:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

53Dragon · 30/11/2014 21:49

I have two sons now aged 19 and 21. They had gf to stay over from a young age as friends. I didn't want to say there was something wrong about having a friend of the opposite sex to stay in our house overnight, but certainly not in the same bed.
ds2's gf stayed over at age 17 when they'd been together nearly 3 years.

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