15 year old DD lying in bed refusing to get up go to school or even speak to me

[felttippens]

Arghhhhh I'm ready to pop
What the Hell are you supposed to do???

Well done Treading, you are the complete opposite of a failure. You did a fantastic job. You got her out of bed and off to school and you are still friends. She will be delighted that you supported her.

Brilliant work, treading - so glad that she's let her guard down and explained why she's having a hard time. Losing both grandfathers so close together must have been hard for her. Glad that she's now going to be seeing the school counsellor.

She was very upset at school so I got permission from the head to take her for coffee and return her at break - I told her that she has my full support but that id appreciate her trying to refrain from calling me a fucking slag if at all possible - she had a small giggle at that and apologised.
Think the road may still be rocky but I'm looking forward to my book arriving

Thanks for the input on this I was feeling pressure from people irl to 'come down hard on her' 'nip it in bud ' 'show her whose boss etc

Glad she giggled, hopefully she'll remember it since she's taken it in while in a more positive frame of mind :)
Her head sounds like a good'un too.

Great work! I hope she starts feeling better soon. And I hope the bloody idiots upthread suggesting buckets of water and starving her out of her room are suitably ashamed. And maybe have a rethink about the kind of assumptions they are making about the motivations teenagers have for acting as they do.

My lovley, mild mannered 14 yo DD once told me to Fuck off, I think they all do it at least once.

It's crazy to think that one of your children could call you a fucking slag and that somehow you could laugh about it? Its mental. My teenage DC have called me vile names. The road ahead will be rocky but you have no choice that is the road you are on.

Everyone told me to show them who is boss and to come down hard on them. Honestly all it ever did was give them an excuse to flex their muscles and rev things up even more. It really was hell.

After a few very serious incidents I really had to find another approach. One thing I found almost impossible in the early days was admitting that I was wrong. I stuck to my guns thinking I am the parent and I am in charge. Nowadays I find myself saying things like 'I am sorry, I overreacted, parenting teenagers doesn't come with an instruction book' etc.

I really encourage you to read some books. It helped me. I can't say that it was a magic wand but it really helped. The mistake I made was not reading them soon enough.

It is worth noting that sometimes all the reading and support in the whole wide world cannot prevent a child going off the rails in a very serious way. The best parents in the world can rear a child who does not come out of the teenage years at all well.

Thanks so much for all of your support it helped me to see she is unhappy rather than purposely badly behaved
Unfortunately we had a repeat this morning she wAs happy to go In so wasn't after a day off but said she couldn't face being around people so she spent the day in a room on her own and wouldn't go out for lunch and break
She just keeps saying she 'feels like shit '

Thanks so much for all of your support it helped me to see she is unhappy rather than purposely badly behaved
Unfortunately we had a repeat this morning she wAs happy to go In so wasn't after a day off but said she couldn't face being around people so she spent the day in a room on her own and wouldn't go out for lunch and break
She just keeps saying she 'feels like shit '

This was me in my teens!! I just plainly hated school! I regret it now though best years of my life my mum use to say and she was right

Yeah even teens have shit days just like we do hope you sort this out

What are the consequences at school if this continues? Is it considered truancy? Regular Mondaymorningitis is going to raise some red flags. Does her attendance get flagged as part of her college applications?

Does she start the week with double Maths or other hated subject ?

Perhaps it would help to get some GCSE tutoring on a Saturday morning so she is up to speed on a topic and has all her homework done?

Perhaps the threat of losing Saturday lie-ins in favour of catch up tutoring will get her out the door on a Monday morning?

Any carrots available - like brekkie out in a cafe before school/work with you on a Monday? I'd probably get out of bed for a pancake breakfast

To update this thread we are now into the third week of complete school refusal, she's spent most of this time shut away in her room refusing to communicate, barely eating and drinking and a week ago talking about suicide
She has an urgent camhs appointment on Wednesday
The school attendance officer has been out and is coming back out on Friday

I'm finding it very difficult to cope with

So sorry. Outside my experience...
Did the school attendance officer have any suggestions ?

Loads of sympathy to you.

DD1 , now 17, went through something like this and it turned out to be anxiety. The eventual solution was rethinking her education and a round of CBT. She's on a different pathway now, and fine, but it was all pretty bad for a while. The single thing I wish I had been told is that bad behaviour and poor mental health can look very similar in adolescents, and it needs careful sorting through. Hopefully your CAMHS assessment will help, if she is prepared to take part.

I think the pressure of school is astounding and they just need a few small things to go wrong to make it feel as if the world is crashing in. My 14 yr old who is pretty robust was in a real state this morning over forgotten books, and I had to work hard to convince her that her tutor would help her, and not to turn back and go home. Your DD has been through a lot so maybe has little tolerance for daily school life hassle?

My key tip would be to keep communication going with her. Any way she's willing to communicate, give it a shot. She needs to know you're in her corner.

I've just got to bed after a Terrible night- police involved and everything

This is like a nightmare

Hope you managed to get some sleep. How is your DD now?

I'm so sorry you and DD are having such a hard time. Wound it help to talk about it?

I'd really like to talk about as I'm very shell shocked and confused

Feel an inner turmoil about whether she needs me to instil firm boundaries or just make her as happy as is possible At the moment

I think it's both boundaries and trying to raise her mood - don't think the two are contradictory when the kid is crashing. They need you to hold boundaries for them when they feel out of control. But it might be really basic stuff like being safe and fed and knowing they are loved.

Getting out to school might be too much for the moment. School may not want to hear that - in our case they didn't spot that she was unwell and just saw it as bad behaviour/lax parenting etc. However when we were referred to education welfare we got a far more sympathetic hearing and the school backed off after that.

My DD was very scared for a while and did the whole fight or flight routine. Is that what happened yesterday?

We were referred to a national support team for teen anxiety - just the post code luck of where we live - and it was SO comforting to hear that this is all very fixable

Sounds awful treading are you ok?

Didn't want to read and run. I don't have any advice unfortunately apart from make sure you get help for yourself too in dealing with this. have you seen your GP? It might help you to have access to some counselling so you can stay as well as possible while dealing with this. Eat well, sleep and get some fresh air every day. It's not selfish to take care of yourself, she needs you to be as well as possible.

You need help from CAMHS urgently. She sounds depressed. Please take the suicide talk seriously, she may be at risk and you need to keep her safe. It is really stressful, so try to get some support for you too if you can. It doesn't sound like a stiff talking to will help much in this case.

My DS2 went through similar and antidepressants and CBT helped enormously. In the end I stopped worrying about him not being at school and focused on him getting well. I figured that if he was an adult and that unwell I wouldn't expect him to turn up at work. This took the pressure off us both. He had about 2 months off with regular CBT, and got better, went back to school and is doing well.

hope you get the help she needs

Treading, I just wanted to say I am thinking about you. It is awful multiplied by a million. I almost had the police here the other night and have had in the past. Like all the posters are saying she needs to see her GP. Maybe she is just too depressed to face school. I took about 3 months off work once with anxiety. I got back on my feet and your DD stands a very good chance on getting back on her feet.

A friend of mine told me that her niece refused point blank to go to school for about 8 months during lower 6th. It was a long story but the end of the story was that she did go back and caught up with her work and did well in her A Levels.

Get some counselling for yourself and go on medication if you think you need it. I did a few counselling sessions and learned some very valuable strategies on how not to walk myself into WWIII and how to detach and focus on staying calm. I also took medication at a time which helped.

It wasn't a cure all but it helped. It can still be hell here but I recover quicker than I used to.

It may sound crazy but ask her to go out for a drive and go for a coffee and a cake, or a trip to the cinema or get her nails done. Anything that might help improve her mood. Shell shocked is exactly the word about how these crises leave you feeling.

I hope her appointment goes well on Wednesday. Look after yourself.