15 year old DD lying in bed refusing to get up go to school or even speak to me

[felttippens]

Arghhhhh I'm ready to pop
What the Hell are you supposed to do???

Bonsoir you are joking, surely?

OP I'd make a GP appointment. Sounds like depression or bullying, but something severe enough to make someone stay in bed probably needs counselling input and you need your derriere covered re school welfare.

DD is a year younger and had done this for two days. Not because she's behaving badly (well, she is, but it's not just that) but she's really anxious about school. We've got a referral to CAMHS (referred before the summer holidays, after downright refusing to go into school for a few days) and she's been having counselling with CBT.

"she has been out most of the weekend" - I don't mean to worry you more but is it possible she is coming down off something/has a raging hangover?

Have you tried 'The death stare'?

I think another thread established that The Death Stare™ was cruel, too. It's all about the Raised Eyebrow Of Rebuke these days, I believe.

BrowersBlues has the right approach, I think, OP.

Understanding I suppose... Being snapped out of it. Not feeling alone. I don't know, depends what it was, but I know feeling understood was a major part.

Yes to BrowerBlues. Your daughter is struggling with something, and you have to figure out what it is, which might be hard to do. She will not want to tell you her troubles as teenagers see bullying and difficulties with friends or work as humiliating and embarrassing, as well as sad and painful.

The raised eyebrow of rebuke.

Withdrawing food and use of the bathroom from a teenager is quite the most bizarre thing I have read on here. If she's in bed she isn't too worried about bathing so it boils down to 'starve her out'
Excellent.

Claraschu - spot on. Embarrassing, painful, debilitating issues which are impossible to talk about. I was so upset about things I felt confused or silly about, so wouldn't tell my mum.

Soooo - how did the "understanding" part work then, if you wouldn't tell your mum what was going on? I'm not trying to hector you, I really want to know in case I face this later when DS1 is a teen!
Could you offer a "script" that would have worked for you?

I've seen this book recommended a lot on MN, Thumbwitch.

OK, thanks BOF, I've never seen that one before! probably because I don't frequent the teenager board, not having one yet. :)
I'll get it for later though.

This is another good one.

www.amazon.co.uk/Yes-Your-Teen-Crazy-without/dp/0936197447/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1415643337&sr=1-1&keywords=teen+crazy
and this as an companion book to BOF's link

You can't withdraw food for gods sake. Or pour water over her.

Establish if there is an actual reason - bullying/worried about a lesson/something else. There might well be.

If not obviously punish appropriately.

I find a bit of gentle waterboarding does the trick in these situations.

Book recommendation please AF

"Could you cite that ?"

No, fuck off

Or why not chain her to the bedroom radiator. That'll learn her.

Anyway, you need to calmly listen to her, removing privileges is not the thing to do. She's obviously very worried about something. You need to find out what that is. Calmly and kindly.

There are people who really, seriously think throwing a bucket of water over a child in this kind of situation, and refusing access to food and shower, is the way to restore civilised, loving avenues of open communication? My god, way to ensure the stately homes thread continues to have a stream of new members over the next couple of decades. I'm genuinely horrified. Newsflash: your child has an inner life. If you parent as if it doesn't exist, you are setting your child up for a lifetime of pain and unhappiness.

It really concerns me that people think those things are acceptable. I remember a thread about a guy that threw water over his wife pregnant. Everyone posting was (rightly) horrified.

zoemaguire:

The thing is, either you respect your child's autonomy to choose their occupation, which in the case of most children given a free choice would not include nearly as much time at school as the average child has, if any, or you are in a situation of trying to find some coercive means of ensuring they go to school when you want them to.

If the OP did the former, then they wouldn't be in this situation in the first place. As soon as you start doing the the latter, then there's no qualitative difference between throwing water on them, as several people have suggested, or taking away their phone, as Coolas suggested. It's only a matter of degree.