DS1 who is 17 wants us to buy him drink for a party

[HMF1]

I am very conflicted, he thought vodka, but doesn't have any experience of drinking, if we were going to get him anything I would prefer it to be lager or beer, but no one drinks that apparently. He has been going to parties & only drinking soft drinks up till now, so I am not sure why he has suddenly decided to drink alcohol, peer pressure? I don't want to be heavy handed we have alcohol in the house & he is a sensible kid, he is also well aware that his parents drank at parties before they were 18.I am also very pleased that he has spoken to us about it. I would appreciate any thoughts from anyone who has been through this already.

I don't buy spirits for DS1 (17) - although I'm aware that he probably gets his hands on the stuff at the party. I tend to buy lager and cider (they do drink it, despite what you've been told...), or these kinds of alcopop-type things with lower ABV levels.

The rule in this house is that if you come home falling down drunk (as opposed to a bit tipsy at most) then you don't go to the next party - so far it's worked.

Definitely not vodka, or any kind of nearly-flavourless spirits - way too easy to drink far more than you realised, specially when he doesn't normally drink at all.

I'd also avoid all the 'easy drinking' things like WKD for the same reason - if it is sweet and brightly coloured it is aimed at being very easy to drink in quantity.

So - if you buy him anything (and I'm not saying you should) then I would go with beer, lager, cider, or wine, because it takes a lot more effort to drink lots of them and get drunk.

But first up I would sit him down and ask why he feels he needs anything - you're probably right about peer pressure. The old line of "If they're teasing you about not drinking alcohol then they really aren't your friends" is a cliche for a reason - it happens to be the truth.

But when you're 17, that's a fairly big thing to take on board. So a small amount of something alcoholic might be a simpler option than him feeling left out, at an age where fitting in feels so desperately important.

I agree - if he hasn't drunk much before, vodka is pretty heavy to start on. How about lager - cheap stuff can be fairly low in alcohol and will give him a chance to get used to it.

I have memories of cheap cider when I was young. Great for making you puke, head-thumpingly hungover and a dodgy tum for ages. Ahh happy days.

Agree with the above, but if you have vodka in the house, I would be letting him try a glass or two now, to let him feel the effects of just one or two. Guess the party is this weekend, but if not, it might be an opportunity to teach good social drinking habits at home . . . especially if no-one else drinks beer or wine whilst at the party.

You really can't stop them drinking vodka if they really want to, but I definitely wouldn't be buying it for them.

For my DD's recent 17th we provided soft drinks + small lagers (+ a couple of bottles of sparkling wine for the celebration part). I'm pretty sure some spirits were brought in by her friends, but I made it very clear to DD that she was responsible for the behaviour of her friends in our home and anyone raging drunk/vomiting would be sent home.

Thank you all, I think if we get anything at all it will be lager or cider. I had forgotten but this party is for the first person in his year group to turn 18 which may have prompted the can I have booze discussion. He is away wild camping & walking the West Highland Way till Friday night so he might be too knackered to go to the party, although that would probably only defer things till Halloween, when there are at least two parties in one weekend, I think we will suggest he only takes coke to one of them.

We have in the past asked him if he wanted wine or beer but he has always refused. We aren't spirits drinkers at all, his dad gets through about 2 or 3 bottles of malt a year & a bottle of gin lasts about 6 months. I think the vodka thing was simply the first thing he could think of.

Gosh 2 or 3 bottles of malt a year seems a lot to me, and gin lasts forever here.

BTW: It is illegal For an adult to buy or attempt to buy alcohol on behalf of someone under 18. (retailers can reserve the right to refuse the sale of alcohol to an adult if they’re accompanied by a child and think the alcohol is being bought for the child.)

It is not illegal:
For someone over 18 to buy a child over 16 beer, wine or cider if they are eating a table meal together in licensed premises.
For a child aged five to 16 to drink alcohol at home or on other private premises.

All on this nice government website

I would say that both the gin & whisky would be given to guests as well. Yes I know the law on this it is illegal to buy him alcohol, but I would rather know if he is drinking & also what he is drinking. I am also aware that in just over 4 months he will be able to get it for himself, so a gentle introduction seems reasonable.

I think you have to be pragmatic as most teenagers will drink. I took the view that mine would drink sooner or later and my job was to teach them to do it safely and to make good decisions. I think it is good to learn about alcohol when they are still living at home with you to keep an eye on them. Our experience was that the young people who overindulged most at university were often those who were not allowed to drink before

Mine are now older but they didn't drink beers or lagers so I would try to go with flavoured ciders or alcopops to start.

Why not do what a friend of mine did when her Dd was that age- get a large plastic bottle and put a couple of shots of spirit in it had top up with mixer.
She was told to look after said bottle and not to drink or share anything else.
Worked for her

What scousadelic said.

I do think at 17 that he needs to learn how to handle alcohol in the sense of knowing it's effect on himself and others. How inhibitions are lessened, how some people become morose or aggressive. Knowing what different drinks are like.
I have allowed the odd beer from about 15 at home. DS2 is 16 and takes a couple of bottles of lager to a party.
I agree that vodka is a bad idea because you can get very drunk before you realise. With beer it's harder to drink the quantity.
DS1 is 18 and just started uni. He drinks a few beers but is at how much the others put away. Spirits mixed with red bull seem to be the favourite. Can't think of a worse combination.

Vodka seems to be the favoured drink with the 17+ YOs here (west highland way is also popular here)

Drinking shots seems to be very popular.... The party section of supermarkets have plastic shot glasses now . I'd warn him to be very careful about shots.

They all seem to do drinking games too, known as the 'ring of fire'.

I think it's a great idea to take a bottle of heavily diluted vodka - unless it's intended as a present.

FWIW - my DD barely drank alcohol at all until she was 17 and in her final year of school, when she suddenly seemed to be partying every other weekend. When she started uni there was no particular temptation to over-indulge as the freedom to drink at parties wasn't a novelty.

Ds1 is 17 (July birthday) and I do buy him a small quantity of lager or cider for a party. I won't buy it for him to sit around someone's house or for his mates. We do drink wine and beer at home so he will have the odd one at home on a Friday or Saturday with a takeaway and us. When he's in that is!

I think I would but cider or lager but not spirits.

I am pretty much decided on no to vodka & yes you can get lager,beer or cider. He has only really started going to parties since the beginning of the year. Thank you all for your advice, he has tested to say they are camped for the night after their first day of walking, so feeling a bit more relaxed.

Gosh 2 or 3 bottles of malt a year seems a lot to me

A bottle is 70cl. Standard scotch is 40% alcohol. A bottle is therefore 28cl of alcohol. Three bottles is 84cl of alcohol.

A typical bottled lager is 5% alcohol. 84cl of alcohol is 1680cl (16.8l) of beer. A typical small bottle of beer is 300ml. Three bottles of scotch contains the same amount of alcohol as 56 small bottles of of lager.

If someone drank 1 small bottle of beer a week, plus an extra one at Christmas, New Year, Easter and Whitsun, would you say that was "a lot"? 1, or at most 2, units of alcohol a week (ie, between one twentieth and one tenth of the usual recommended maximum) seems reasonable, does it not?

Similarly, 84cl of alcohol is 10l of wine, or 13 bottles. If someone drank a quarter of a bottle of wine a week, would that be "a lot"? "Doctor, I've got a drink problem, every week I drink two small glasses of wine" isn't a regular thing, is it?

In general, people wildly overestimate the amount of alcohol in spirits, and underestimate the amount of alcohol in wine and beer.

Agree - supplying a can of beer or three is preferable to your ds supplying himself vodka. Remember now that he has friends who have turned 18, there will be a easy supply route of any choice of alcohol via the friend with the ID.

Ds (17) for many months turned down the offer of a few cans to take to parties only for me to discover it was because he had his secret vodka stash. I thought he was a sensible one

SirChenjin - love your very simple (but, I'm sure, effective) rule.

And both DP and I love your MN name.

Thank you Maria

So far the rule has been effective - long may it continue!

DD was complaining about her skin being bad last January..... 'Perhaps it's the effects of the alcohol you had over Christmas I ventured'.....

Seriously though - the best thing you can do is talk and listen in a calm and non-judgmental way. He's more likely to adopt your sensible views if he thinks you're supportive of him wanting to have fun and trust him not to be daft. It sounds like you do that already - he's asked you to buy him vodka so he must know you're not going to go mad at him for being a normal teenager.

Great weather for the west highland way! Good for him doing it.

My 17 year old DD went to 2 18th birthday parties a couple of weeks ago. I bought her some Smirnoff's Ice. I told her no shots allowed.
She was fine and managed to get the train at 9am the next day for a uni open day.
I would rather she started going to parties and having the odd drink this year whilst I (and her friends) can still keep an eye on her!
She went to a friends last Saturday and called in at another party on the way home - this time she chose not to drink as she wanted to drive. They all found it very amusing that 1 boy was sick (in the toilet) - he had been drinking shots! But they did look after him.
I would say a bit of beer, cider, wine, alcopops is pretty normal for upper 6th year.
Love Sirchenjin's rule!

I agree re the come back legless & you don't get anything next time, sounds like a good idea. We do want him to enjoy himself but that the alcohol needs to be in moderation, best learnt now before he goes to uni.
Yes choccoluvva they are getting great weather for the West Highland Way, which should hold till Thursday night when they have a bunkhouse option & they finish on Friday.I will be glad to see him home on Friday night.

A couple of DD's friends got a reputation for being sick and getting in a state at every gathering. Soon they weren't invited to parties.

DD's friend missed most of an eagerly anticipated party after having far too much alcohol in the early evening. She has learnt the natural consequences of drinking to excess herself. You can tell them not to do this or that at parties, but you've absolutely no control once they're there.

Wish him a lovely time at the party. Make sure he knows you prioritise his and the other party-goer's safety over everything else. Be ready to rescue him if need be. Let him know you're pleased he's happy and has a good social life and he'll hopefully be fine.

(I didn't ever buy my 17YO spirits to take to parties but she still managed to drink them. The ones with older siblings borrow their ID or get them to buy them stuff.)

I'm not sure if I believe he's only been drinking soft drinks at these parties.

I'm very impressed he has asked you. Incidentally it's not illegal for him to drink alcohol on private property as long as he isn't under 5 !!!

I'd buy it for him.

Iwantmyparcel I am actually pretty sure he hasn't been so far, he has only stayed over at friends twice & I am usually up when he comes home ( usually about 1ish) & he hasn't been drinking. I fear with 2 younger sons still to start all this I will be an insomniacs till they all leave home. I can't sleep properly till they are home. Now I know what I put my mum through.