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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Dd is sat in her bedroom sobbing and sobbing. Is my advice shit?

76 replies

VivaLeBeaver · 24/09/2014 16:37

I've been trying to talk to her but appparantly my advice is crap. She's 13yo.

Has had a good group of friends for two years, four of them in total. All nice kids.

Now another girl has started hanging around with the other three girls but dd reckons right from the beginning this girl has hated dd. given her funny looks, ignored her, got the other three to meet up with her at break and exclude dd.

Dd says sometimes she's in the common room with her friends and her friends say they're off to the library for 5 mins and for dd to wait there and they'll be back. They don't come back and dd goes to find them and finds them in the courtyard with this girl. So dd feels she's being ditched by her mates.

This girl has told the other girls that its dd being mean to her and bullying her. Dd denies it but this other girl seems quite convincing. One of the friends did ask the girl to give examples of times when dd had been horrid to her and the girl couldn't.

So today they're all together and the girls tell dd and the newcomer to apologise to each other. Dd said sorry. The other girls told her to say it properly. So maybe she said it with a bad grace as in her mind she's done nothing. They then told the other girl who said that she didnt do apologies. The others seemed to brush that off and said how good it was that everyone was friends. Hmm. So dd sees it as unfair that they pull her up for a poor apology but not the other girl.

This girl then says to the others about meeting them at the weekend, etc. while giving dd a bitchy look. I told dd that she should say '" great, sounds fun, see you there, etc". But dd reckons she doesn't want to meet them for swimming if this girl is going to be there and that noone has specifically asked her to come.

I've told her to be as nice as she can to this girl. That if she is horrible (because she thinks the other girl is horrible to her) that if her friends see her being horrible that they will think the other girl is right and that its dd who's a bitch. I've said ignore the dirty looks and concentrate on been friends with the others but to be nice to this girl even if its a bit fake. Just a "hi X, how are you" would go a long way.

Is that shit advice? Should I ring the school? Its been going on since the end of last school year.

OP posts:
Original poster
VivaLeBeaver · 24/09/2014 16:37

Sorry its so long.

OP posts:
Theselittlelightsofmine · 24/09/2014 16:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SanityClause · 24/09/2014 16:49

I would suggest she meets up with the girls separately, so perhaps one could come over for a sleepover, and she could meet up with another the following week at the cinema. That way, she can try to maintain her friendship with each of them.

Also, encourage her to make new friends, because these ones are not showing much loyalty, just now.

tomblibooo · 24/09/2014 16:53

I don't know - I don't think it's shit advice at all but when I was a teenager I thought everything my mum said was crap advice. I look back now in my 30s and realise she was right! I think all teens think parental advice is rubbish. I think you're doing a great job though.

DonnaLyman · 24/09/2014 17:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Millipedewithherfeetup · 24/09/2014 17:10

Similar has happened to my dd, 13 is a funny age for girls, guessing this group are friends from primary ? I found that tbe best advice i could give was, stay civil to all if them and move on, never let them see that they have hurt you or made you mad. 9 times out of 10 its for tbe best.

neiljames77 · 24/09/2014 17:14

I had all this with my youngest daughter. Nothing you will say can solve it. All that will happen is out of the 3 of them, one will have a falling out with the other two and go to your daughter. Then they'll bitch about the other two, all make friends again, then one will tell the other what was said about her. Then it starts all over again. You'll be stuck in the middle of it all, probably getting blamed for everything.

It aged me significantly. Grin

picnicbasketcase · 24/09/2014 17:16

Junior Wendy. Girls can be so vile to each other Sad

MyballsareSandy · 24/09/2014 17:19

Not shit advice at all, very similar to what i would say. It's a tricky age for friendships and girls. I'm about to start my own thread on the subject!
Good luck.

LadyMud · 24/09/2014 17:30

Is the new girl called Wendy?

LadyMud · 24/09/2014 17:31

x post with picnicbasketcase!

neiljames77 · 24/09/2014 17:34

Ha!
I spend too long on here because I know what a "Wendy" is!!!!

(still don't know what a wankbadger or cockwomble are though)
Grin

TheOriginalSteamingNit · 24/09/2014 17:37

No, it's not shit advice! Your poor dd.

However I know from experience that you can give advice on what seems to you like obviously sensible and mature behaviour, but a year 8/9 will look at you with horror and say 'that won't work!' Or 'I can't do that!' Yes, I think she does need to stay as calm as possible, because if she gets angry or upset these girls sound like the type who will make that their reason to dump her. But better yet, she needs some nicer friends!

Original poster
VivaLeBeaver · 24/09/2014 17:52

Thanks everyone.

Yes, she is getting Wendied isn't she?

Kill her with kindness is a phrase I actually used to her.

I have said about trying to find some other friends as well but she says that everyone else already has friends. Which I guess in year 9 may be true.

Dd does meet up with the nice girls out of school and this other girl so far hasn't been there. She's also met up with some of them one on one. But it doesn't seem to have helped.

I've told dd that she should go swimming this weekend even if this girl is there as otherwise she'll isolate herself more.

Is it worth talking to the HOY? Part of me thinks she has more important things to do than sort out teen girls but then if someone is this upset its kind of pastoral care.

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neiljames77 · 24/09/2014 17:56

If you went to the ht or hoy, your daughter would be furious with you.
Honestly, I wouldn't.

juliascurr · 24/09/2014 17:57

hope it wears off soon
dd is 15
it's been bad again this year after an improvement
god, it's awful

3littlefrogs · 24/09/2014 18:04

I think your DD needs to look for some lunch time and after school activities that will give her the opportunity to make friends with a different group of people.
Year 9 is often the time when friendship groups change.
Yes - the new girl does sound like a Wendy and I think the only thing your dd can do is look for other friendships elsewhere. Trying to stay in this group will be painful and humiliating.
If she can be pleasant and polite then so much the better.
If she comes across as being needy, this will give the Wendy more scope for manipulation and spite.

Original poster
VivaLeBeaver · 24/09/2014 18:04

neiljames. You're right. I won't then.

Its a shame because I just want someone to bang both their heads together, inc dd's, and tell them both to make an effort. I can tell dd but if this other girl continues to be vile dd is less and less likely to make an effort.

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neiljames77 · 24/09/2014 18:21

If they don't like each other, there's nothing you can do about it. She won't really want you to do anything apart from listen to her griping about it.
My daughter didn't want to hear me telling her things will get better or telling her to make new friends. She just wanted her original friends and the newcomer to sod off out of the picture.

Original poster
VivaLeBeaver · 24/09/2014 22:58

That's pretty much what dd wants.

Just heard her crying again and have been in calming her down. Sad

She's convinced she's losing all her friends. She confessed she called the other girl a bitch yesterday......I don't think to her face but to the other girls. And they were all shocked and said dd wasn't being nice.

Dd just can't understand how they can't see that this girl has been horrible to her for ages and when she was pushed to the edge and made a comment (which I don't condone) they all flip out.

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crazynanna · 24/09/2014 23:07

The new girl will more than likely slip and piss off one of the established group, who will then see the true colours. Give her enough rope kinda thing, but that doesn't help your DD now I know.

Year 9ers are fucking horrible girls.
DD went through hell, and she did make a new set of friends (it took a while to establish) but she really did not look back.

Heyho111 · 25/09/2014 06:38

Unfortunetly there isn't much you can do in this situation. If the girls are excluding her and making it uncomfortable for her I would suggest she makes new friends.
Girls can be awful and the more she try's the more it probably will continue.
Seeing them on their own they will be nice and mean it. But peer group influence. When the one girl comes into the group they will go back to being funny.
If your daughter moves away from the group the girl may start on one of the others. Over time the girls may leave the group and go back to your daughter.
It's just horrid for her. Walking away makes her look strong instead of needy. That is power in itself.
Also a huge tip. When the girl says something nasty or with a look tell your daughter to be silent and just look at her. Silence is very powerful. If she replies the banter begins. Humans can't cope with silence. We have to fill in the gap. We end up back tracking. It takes courage to do this but it really works.

nooka · 25/09/2014 06:56

My dd had similar issues a couple of years ago (she is 14 now) and all I think you can really do is be there for your dd and encourage her to have the strength to get through the bad times. dd's friendship group all pretty much turned on her so in some way it was more straightforward although obviously devastating for her. We tackled it by talking to the parents about the most egregious incidents (they were last year primary too so we knew most of them) and then by saying that she wasn't to spend time with the girls (all local to us). I think that helped but of course she was a bit younger. There were lots of tears for months :(

We also got her into lots of different out of school activities, partly as a distraction but also so that she spent time with people she had a lot in common with and she has made some very good friends in particular through a drama club. Now she has fewer but better friends and it seems to work for her. There is certainly much less drama! We still sometimes see the other girls, and as I knew some of them very well it is a bit sad really, but they are still playing the same queen bee games and I don't think are much fun to be around anymore. dd has toughened up, which is probably good, she is much more confident now, and she knows that friendships are based on a) actually liking the other person and b) having interests or values in common. I think quite a lot of friendships at this age are based on having known each other for a while or being at a desired level in the pecking order neither of which are great foundations!

It's really horrible supporting your children throguh this sort of rubbish - there were times when I really wanted to shake the other girls and ask them why they were being so horrible to my fantastic dd Angry

nooka · 25/09/2014 06:58

Oh and the really odd thing is that when dd did toughen up (she had previously been very forgiving, but her big brother coached her in being standoffish and assertive) suddenly she became more popular, which she found very disconcerting!

Original poster
VivaLeBeaver · 25/09/2014 06:59

Thanks everyone.

Dd's year have a pastoral person and I've asked dd how she feels about going to talk to her and dd thinks she could do that.

She's just so sad as she says she keeps remembering all the fun things they used to do together. She doesn't want new friends she says, just wants her old friends back.

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