Dd is sat in her bedroom sobbing and sobbing. Is my advice shit?

[VivaLeBeaver]

I've been trying to talk to her but appparantly my advice is crap. She's 13yo.

Has had a good group of friends for two years, four of them in total. All nice kids.

Now another girl has started hanging around with the other three girls but dd reckons right from the beginning this girl has hated dd. given her funny looks, ignored her, got the other three to meet up with her at break and exclude dd.

Dd says sometimes she's in the common room with her friends and her friends say they're off to the library for 5 mins and for dd to wait there and they'll be back. They don't come back and dd goes to find them and finds them in the courtyard with this girl. So dd feels she's being ditched by her mates.

This girl has told the other girls that its dd being mean to her and bullying her. Dd denies it but this other girl seems quite convincing. One of the friends did ask the girl to give examples of times when dd had been horrid to her and the girl couldn't.

So today they're all together and the girls tell dd and the newcomer to apologise to each other. Dd said sorry. The other girls told her to say it properly. So maybe she said it with a bad grace as in her mind she's done nothing. They then told the other girl who said that she didnt do apologies. The others seemed to brush that off and said how good it was that everyone was friends. . So dd sees it as unfair that they pull her up for a poor apology but not the other girl.

This girl then says to the others about meeting them at the weekend, etc. while giving dd a bitchy look. I told dd that she should say '" great, sounds fun, see you there, etc". But dd reckons she doesn't want to meet them for swimming if this girl is going to be there and that noone has specifically asked her to come.

I've told her to be as nice as she can to this girl. That if she is horrible (because she thinks the other girl is horrible to her) that if her friends see her being horrible that they will think the other girl is right and that its dd who's a bitch. I've said ignore the dirty looks and concentrate on been friends with the others but to be nice to this girl even if its a bit fake. Just a "hi X, how are you" would go a long way.

Is that shit advice? Should I ring the school? Its been going on since the end of last school year.

It's called gangstering. One girl gets excluded for made up reasons either temporarily or permanently. It was done to me for a while by my friendship group at school at this age. Utterly heartbreaking. With me it passed (still friends with my school friends who can't remember it!). That silence trick is a good idea. Difficult but try not to respond it gives them ammunition. Pretend not to care and find other friends.

Oh and read cats eye by margaret atwood she totally nails it.

It's the same feeling as being dumped by first boyfriend. Am dreading this stage (dds 5 and 8)

Your poor DD. This happened to me at school and I still feel miserable about it.

Best advice Is what a PP said:

I think your DD needs to look for some lunch time and after school activities that will give her the opportunity to make friends with a different group of people.
Year 9 is often the time when friendship groups change.
Yes - the new girl does sound like a Wendy and I think the only thing your dd can do is look for other friendships elsewhere. Trying to stay in this group will be painful and humiliating.
If she can be pleasant and polite then so much the better.
If she comes across as being needy, this will give the Wendy more scope for manipulation and spite.

I was wendied when I was at school (although wasn't aware it had a name at the time!). New girl came into out group and phased me out by telling friends things about me, arranging meet ups that only 4 could go to (her mums car didn't have space to take us all, no room for us all to have sleepovers etc...).

In the end I walked away. And found myself (eventually) a new group of friends and slowly watched the old group implode. One by one they were isolated by new girl.

My advice to your dd would be to a) find new friends - easier said than done I know- but she will find them. And don't ignore old group. Be nice be friendly but maybe don't be friends if you see what I mean. Show them that you're happy and can cope without them. (Even if you can't!!)

Please tell her to leave this group. Not only does new girl sound like a bitch, but old girls are weak enough to go along with it. They are all excluding her on purpose (stay here then running off together). The apology thing is the last straw.

Honestly tell her to ignore all of them. If they ask why then a perfectly calm "tbh you don't seem that bothered about being friends anymore, I'm not going to chase you around and try to force you to like me" will surfice.

Obviously in the mean time being on her own is tricky....I'm guessing new girl is new to the group because she's been kicked out of another? Tell DD she will have to try to make some new friends, it's so hard but this last lot and a lost cause.

And if all else fails wait a few years and accidentally hit Wendy in the face with a tennis racket because she tries to throw your game in pe by running behind you when you're going for the ball...... (Disclaimer - this was a complete accident, although she still doesn't see it this way, it didn't solve the problem, but secretly I felt rather pleased with myself. Bad girl)

This is when out of school friends are so important.
Dd has a similar situation at school but has her dancing friends to cushion the blow.
I think this is all a normal part of them growing up but that doesn't make it easier.
There are two particular girls who do this to dd periodically but a few days later they seem ok.
You are probably doing all you can do.

I remember Y9. It was horrific. Definitely the worst year. By Y10 things started improving.

Can she pick the one she gets on best and tell her how it feels from her side ? That she feels like the new girl is deliberately trying to exclude her from the group and she is very sad about it, because she values the friends she has had for several years.

It might help to clear the air - let the others know how she sees it, and maybe give them a chance to reassure her that they don't want to abandon her ?

Not an easy thing to do when you are feeling vulnerable but it is maybe a case of if you don't ask you don't get. It doesn't sound like it will resolve itself if the status quo carries on.

My DD had a falling out in year 8, and in the end it was a great thing for her, as she had to hang out with other people, and discovered lots and lots of people wanted to be her friend. From then on she always had people to hang out with.

Encourage your DD to hang with other people. Encourage her to do things out of school with people not from school.
Do encourage her to talk to the pastoral person (it will not be a new situation for them).

And year 10 and up relationships change a lot, and get a lot better.

No new advice for your DD, teenage girls are horrible sometimes and she needs to ride it out or make new friends.

Just wanted to say for you though that you sound like a lovely mum. I had a terrible time throughout secondary school. Lots of issues with friends and feeling isolated. I could never ever have talked to my dad and I felt so lonely.

You can't solve her problems but she will look back and be so happy that you were her shoulder to cry on.

Than,s everyone. She did mention some other girls names yesterday and said they seemed nice. So I've told her to try and spend a bit more time with them.

She's no interest in out of school activities at all and I've tried in the past with all sorts of stuff and its just not happening. She has got online friends who she plays Minecraft with on a server and they do actually talk to each other via a software programme while playing. And they chat about all sorts of things, not just minecraft. She does consider them friends but obviously she can't meet up with them, etc.

Really hope things get better next year. Beginning of year 7 wasn't great and then she met these girls and I thought fantastic. They all seem really nice, etc.

Offer her something like this to read. This a bit cheesy but helps put friendships in perspective. Also offers some ideas for comebacks/how to stand up for herself without being bitchy. www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/1584857110?pc_redir=1409942977&robot_redir=1

Also, she may take on board what I'd written in a book...rather than from the mouth of her mother. [Flowers]. Like many others, I was your daughter.

Come backs are good - my ds is the master of them and his coaching really did help my dd (it probably was not too surprising that dd's friendship issues occurred the year that ds went up to high school and pretty much disappeared when she joined him). It's all about building up confidence in your daughter that she is not the cause of the nastiness. I spent a lot of time talking with my dd about why the girls were behaving in the way that they were (again it helped that I knew them quite well). I'm not sure she really believed me at the time, but I think it did help.

The time that they got dd's now ex-best friend (of several years standing) to ring up and tell her that she didn't want to be friends anymore (for a laugh apparently) was really horrible and heartbreaking but I think also the catalyst for change in the end as it was just too much for even dd to forgive. We talked a lot about the friend's total flakiness (she is a nice girl but is driven by a huge need to be in with the cool girls) and dd did start to understand that she'd never really be able to be the sort of friend that she needed.

I think in some ways it might be better to have these type of friendship issues when you are relatively young and have your family around to support you than when you are older and on your own and possibly far from home. Assuming that you tell your family and that they are supportive (I never told my mother when my friends gangstered me and she went on inviting them to stay with us and it was very very difficult).

Oh and dd really turned to online blogs/vblogs too, although there is some fairly awful stuff out there there are also some fairly inspiring people too, talking about overcoming bullying and standing up for your own beliefs and values. Important to know that you are not the only one I think.

I would buy her a treat for after school today - maybe some flowers for her room ? Bet she has never been given flowers before. Say you are sorry she is having a tough time, that whenever she wants to talk you will listen, and offer comments as you see things - and she knows she is free to ignore the comments if she wants to.

Not easy growing up is it ?

Feel so sorry for her. I had this when a girl joined in year 9 and vaguely knew my friend from riding. She was a nasty piece of work and everything she said was always dressed up as a joke.

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest now as I have a large social network through work, mum friends, DH's work colleagues, hobbies groups etc but at 13 everything is invested in a tiny group of people you spend a lot of time with.

Does you DD have friends outside of school she could spend a bit of time with to just put a bit of distance between her and these other girls? It might make her a bit less emotionally invested and therefore better able to respond to nastiness with kindness.

Being socially accepted within their peers is the most important thing in the world to them though isn't it?

myfirstname. We have that book. Have looked it out from the bookcase tonight so thanks for the reminder.

I bought dd some flowers today as well.

Dd's not had a good time at school today. Her "friends" told her that X has said one reason she doesn't like dd is because dd is friends with a certain boy and this boy has been bullying X. Dd says this boys hasn't bullied her at all. She went to find him in the common room and told him what had been said and lots of Year 9 kids rounded on dd and told her to stop slagging X off.

Her main friend has rung her this evening and said at lunchtime X told the other girls that dd had bullied her badly through Year 8. One of the girls said she wasn't sure it was true, the other two said "poor X, its been so awful for you". The main friend said she walked away.

Dd can't understand why two of the friends seemed to believe it when they all hung around together in year 8 and must know its not true.

Dd is meant to be on a sleepover this weekend with her 4 friends but not X. Not sure how that's going to go.

Dd has asked me to ring the HOY as she says she feels that she's the one being bullied.

It's really good that she is asking for help and wants you to involve the HOY. I hope it's a school that takes bullying seriously and that some action is taken against this girl. She is targeting your DD and encouraging others to exclude her and it shouldn't be allowed to continue. Why on earth are these friends agreeing with this girl when she's trying to rewrite history and they know it's not true?

I think in your shoes I would involve the school Viva, this child sound like she is causing a lot of problems and assuming she is not just nasty by nature (I don't personally think most bullies are) probably needs help. In any case the school needs to intervene when allegations of bullying are being thrown around like that. My children's primary were pretty good as mediation type interventions, I hope your dd's school has good pastoral care too.

I think that some children at this age (possibly adults too) have a tendency to bend with the wind and agree with whoever has the strongest personality or who is seen as being top of the heap. Sometimes it's a self serving action to avoid being picked on but I think sometimes children think that the top dog somehow has a right to say whatever they like and should be believed simply because of their status.

I've certainly had conversations with dd and her friends when they were a bit younger when they have said that because someone was popular or pretty (often both) that their word somehow carried more weight, even when they objectively knew that the other girl was lying or mistaken.

Sadly the school have been a bit shit in the past with regards to bullying. Though after dd got hit with a chair in a lesson last year I wrote a two page letter to the head and HOY (bet she loves me) threatening that I'd goto the police if there were any future incidents.

I'm surprised she wants you to involve the teachers. She must be desperate to resolve it.