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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Ds16 planning to hitch off to unknown destination....

37 replies

DieselSpillages · 24/09/2014 07:04

Ds just turned 16. He goes to school but wants to go off adventuring in the october holidays. He has a sometimes girlfriend who is homeless and suffers from schitzophrenia, but is also very charming and bright. Not sure if he wants to go with her or if she's just inspired him with the romance of independant street living Confused.

She's currently staying at a house in a town nearby where I suspect drugs are sold Sad

How do I stop DS who says he'll do what he wants regardless of what I say. Do I let him go and trust he'll be sensible ( he is pretty sensible and mature generally) and let him see what independant living is really like (probably pretty crap and uncomfortable)

A bigger part of me is terrified for his wellbeing and wants to protect him and keep him safe at home.

In reality how can I stop him if he chooses to leave ? I am so thankful he is sticking with school after lots of threats to give up. If I come down hard my fear is he will give up and leave now before the holidays.

I know he's craving autonomy and adventure and I can see his need is to feel free. Maybe he'll see that life is not that great away from home comforts.... but he's only just turned 16. It feels such a young and vulnerable age and I'm fearful of exploitation and bad influences.

He doesn't even have a fixed plan just vague ideas of roaming round europe, we are not uk based. I've so far avoided wading in hysterically (which is how I feel inside) and told him I need more clarity about his plans and that we need to talk about how he thinks he will keep safe.

What do I do... It's such a delicate balancing act talking to teens

OP posts:
Hakluyt · 24/09/2014 07:06

What is he intending to do about money?

Original poster
DieselSpillages · 24/09/2014 07:10

He has requested that i give him some work so he can earn some. So do I block this and let him go with no money , or make sure he has a bit for emergencies Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
DieselSpillages · 24/09/2014 08:15

Dh is all for it as he thinks the adventure will do him good. I think he imagines him checking out the historical heritage of Europe Hmm I'm thinking he's much more likely to be getting off his face at illegal raves.

This is Ds2 , so i've passed this way before, sometimes Teens make big dramas about things that amount to very little. I think the trick is to not buy into the drama and appear calm

OP posts:
doziedoozie · 24/09/2014 08:24

Buy him a rail ticket which allows travel all over Europe, then he won't be hitchhiking, find info on youth hostels and hotel work, the alps is good for hotel work, buy him an emergency phone which you know will work everywhere and pay the bills.

Sorry this is a bit vague, just thinking of what friends' DCs have done.

Hakluyt · 24/09/2014 08:41

"Sorry this is a bit vague, just thinking of what friends' DCs have done."

Have they done this at 16?

smokeandglitter · 24/09/2014 08:58

First find out about girlfriend. If she has schizophrenia is she receiving help? It is usually not good for someone with schizophrenia to be hitching about, she really needs some stability to get/remain well. What will happen on travels if she loses her medication? I say this as someone with schizoaffective disorder with episodes of what is essentially schizophrenia and hallucinations daily. Also how old is she? 16 is very young for a clear diagnosis.

I would talk to him honestly about the situation and why you are unhappy with it. I'm sorry but at 16 I would not be happy with him roaming around Europe, wherever you are based.

doziedoozie · 24/09/2014 09:03

No, 17/18 and with a plan.

There are many scenarios, perhaps persuade him to just go on hols for a couple of weeks to try it out/ fix a job for him somewhere away from home to see how it goes, if he likes it on his own then maybe Europe, postpone it until finished school etc etc

I was just answering on the assumption he is determined.

I wouldn't have let mine head off anywhere without money.

smokeandglitter · 24/09/2014 09:06

Sorry to clarify my above post, I think finding out about the girlfriend who he cares for May be a good way of beginning to explain why you think it's a bad idea and if she is under care then they should be able to explain to her why it's a bad idea. I'm quite confused as to why she's so young on the streets with a psychotic illness though as in uk she'd be priority for a hostel/sheltered housing.

ssd · 24/09/2014 09:07

op, hes too young. tell him no, I bet he'll moan like hell but will be a bit relieved. maybe his druggie pal is putting pressure on him and hes scared and wound up a bit.

Hakluyt · 24/09/2014 09:39

In the circumstances you outline, it would be a definite "no". But I wouldn't rule out some more controlled adventuring. At that age, I went from London to Athens by myself by train. It was fantastic! But my family were in Athens when I got there and I had all my tickets in advance.

Bakeoffcakes · 24/09/2014 09:46

So he's at school and just wants to go for the oct holidays? Which is one week?
Is he still in Y11 or lower sixth?

springlamb · 24/09/2014 09:58

My instinct is that you should facilitate this as far as possible, with certain safety modifications.
There are issues brewing locally which could possibly drag him down into a spiral over the next couple of years. What better time for him to spread his wings, see that there is more to this world than what's going on in your town. Maybe this will be a trip where he discovers what really floats his boat and comes back with a plan to achieve it. Which doesn't involve hanging round with the local drugsters.
But, he is very young.
Do you have friends in Europe (or indeed anywhere) that he could travel to?
Can you search for activity holidays suitable for 16-18 year olds? I think it would be worth investing the money.

Could you compromise on a UK youth hosteling adventure?
Are there any fruit/veg picking jobs going somewhere else in the country during that period? I don't know but it gives him the experience of being independent, earning a little money, and he'll be so tired afterwards you won't hear from him till Xmas.

Original poster
DieselSpillages · 24/09/2014 11:27

Thank you for all the replies..

His girlfriend 16 has been living away from home for 2 years apparently. Very difficult home life but she does not want to be in the system for young vulnerable kids here and prefers her freedom. She is not open to suggestions of help in this area. She takes prescribed medication and I think she goes home occasionally.
She's told me she has hallucinations and anxiety and stress.

I don't think he'd go for the interailing youth hostelling thing unfortunately. I imagine he wants to go stay with this girl, head off to a rave, loads on all the time round here , and then be free to head off in whatever direction that takes him, He probably imagines hitching in one of the ravers live in vehicles off to the next party. They have two weeks holiday here.

OP posts:
specialsubject · 24/09/2014 13:20

he is neither sensible nor mature. He can appear to be more so by researching where he can stay that accepts unaccompanied children, how he gets travel insurance if going abroad, if he thinks it is really intelligent to hitch-hike and what he intends to do for money.

BTW is he also clued up on contraception and are they using it?

Travelledtheworld · 24/09/2014 14:08

I agree he needs to present you with some sort of plan for methods of travel, insurance, destination, accommodation, and all associated costs.

How much holiday does he have ? he won't get very far in one or two weeks.

Which continent are you on ? He should also research the weather forecast for October for the countries he plans to visit.

Does he have a passport ?

If you don't want him to go you can always take away his passport.

Middleagedmotheroftwo · 24/09/2014 14:12

For just one week I'd be inclined to let him go. He's unlikely to get very far, if he goes at all.

Better to allow him to go, with conditions, such as phoning home every night than to have him go anyway, without permission, and you having no idea where he is or what he's doing.

ElizabethMedora · 24/09/2014 14:18

It's only 2 weeks… I think your danger here is that if you come down like a ton of bricks you will lose him. My goal would be to get him to complete school with as decent grades as possible. So, facilitate him on this trip, but the deal is that he comes home & back to school etc…

bellarations · 24/09/2014 19:10

I agree you need to facilitate some what because it sounds as if he would go anyway, and at 16 I don't think there is a lot you could do to force him back.
I'm inclined to think that him seeing the realities of an independent life, where money, food and shelter are not free could be of benefit to him. I would get him to do jobs to earn money, after he has asked rather than expected a hand out. Would he commit to phone contact regularly to let you know he is ok? You know your son, what are your gut feelings??

Original poster
DieselSpillages · 24/09/2014 19:32

I really appreciate that the general consensus here isn't to make him stay. A part of me is worried that It's irresponsibe of me to let him go. Am I legally responsible for his well being at 16. If he gets picked up by the police will I be blamed ?

On the other hand I'm inclined to agree that I shouldn't cant stop him going.

I was thinking I could give him an old style phone which keeps its battery longer. He can earn any money he will need and maybe he could have a bank card so in a real emergency I could transfer him some cash.. (I have an account I don't really use.)

My gut feelings are that he's fairly sensible and as clued up as you can be at 16. but he's my baby and i want to keep him safe at home

OP posts:
Hakluyt · 24/09/2014 19:37

I am a ludicrously lax mother. But I wouldn't allow the drifting from rave to rave with a potentially unstable companion. I just wouldn't. With an equally sensible friend, then possibly. But the girlfriend sounds like someone he might need to take responsibility for- and I wouldn't want that. Either for him or for her.

mrscumberbatch · 24/09/2014 19:44

I'd compromise and say he can go meandering for 4 days. 4 days is long enough to have a proper taste of freedom but not long enough to end up too far away etc.

If he's going to go to raves he is going to go to raves. Regardless of how much time he spends away.

So yeah, compromise, explain why... Hopefully he's reasonable enough to see why you have reservations.

Original poster
DieselSpillages · 24/09/2014 19:50

I agree about the girlfriend. I'm waiting for the right moment to ask him about her diagnosis, her prescription and the possible consequences illegal drugs could have on an already fragile psyche.

I need to put it to him how he imagines he will react if she becomes psychotic ,what he would do in that scenario far away from home. Hopefully this will make him think a lot bit.

I don't think it's case of allowing. It's presenting the facts in the most open unconfrontational way and hoping his inner sense will prevail and he'll make good decisions. I reckon UN peacekeepers could do their training on teenage boys.

OP posts:
Travelledtheworld · 24/09/2014 21:47

Were are all these Raves then ? !

ElizabethMedora · 24/09/2014 21:52

There are loads of illegal raves Travelled! You just need to be in the right scene Wink my brother hitchhikes around attending them…

Travelledtheworld · 24/09/2014 23:09

Oh I am far too old,Elizabeth but I just wondered what I was missing out on.....