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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Ds16 planning to hitch off to unknown destination....

37 replies

DieselSpillages · 24/09/2014 07:04

Ds just turned 16. He goes to school but wants to go off adventuring in the october holidays. He has a sometimes girlfriend who is homeless and suffers from schitzophrenia, but is also very charming and bright. Not sure if he wants to go with her or if she's just inspired him with the romance of independant street living Confused.

She's currently staying at a house in a town nearby where I suspect drugs are sold Sad

How do I stop DS who says he'll do what he wants regardless of what I say. Do I let him go and trust he'll be sensible ( he is pretty sensible and mature generally) and let him see what independant living is really like (probably pretty crap and uncomfortable)

A bigger part of me is terrified for his wellbeing and wants to protect him and keep him safe at home.

In reality how can I stop him if he chooses to leave ? I am so thankful he is sticking with school after lots of threats to give up. If I come down hard my fear is he will give up and leave now before the holidays.

I know he's craving autonomy and adventure and I can see his need is to feel free. Maybe he'll see that life is not that great away from home comforts.... but he's only just turned 16. It feels such a young and vulnerable age and I'm fearful of exploitation and bad influences.

He doesn't even have a fixed plan just vague ideas of roaming round europe, we are not uk based. I've so far avoided wading in hysterically (which is how I feel inside) and told him I need more clarity about his plans and that we need to talk about how he thinks he will keep safe.

What do I do... It's such a delicate balancing act talking to teens

OP posts:
Original poster
DieselSpillages · 25/09/2014 13:33

Latest update.. Ds just walked out of school and says he is not going back. This has always been my worst fear. He is bright and completely capable of doing well, he has no qualifications, where we live there's high unemployment. WTF am I going to do with him . Just made appointments to see his teachers at school to discuss what to do now.

At the moment he is in town somewhere and not answering his phone. What to do with a child that refuses to go to school, wants to be free to be independant but has absolutely no means of supporting themselves. I honestly credited him with a bit more foresight < bangs head on table>

OP posts:
Aridane · 25/09/2014 14:47

Oh dear - can you trade off October break (and hints of future ones) for continuing at school??

Bakeoffcakes · 25/09/2014 14:53

Send a text saying you love him(I know you probably want to throttle him at the moment) and want to know he's ok. Say that you understand he wants things to change and that you will listen to him.

You need to find out the root of his issues, is it something going on at school or is it the girlfriend, or is their another reason- lots of talking to be done before any decisions are made.

It's good you're going to the school.

Original poster
DieselSpillages · 25/09/2014 15:26

Thanks for the kind words.. I do want to throttle him. I've been unable to work all afternoon because I feel so churned up and fearful for his future.

Apparently he stood up in class and asked if anyone was interested in what the teacher was saying.. no one answered so he walked out Blush.

I managed to connect with him on the phone, he swore at DH and then complained that he didn't have enough money for the early bus home. I held back from saying that that's gonna be the story of your life from now on Angry

Just found out about civic service posts for young people to go help handicapped people in Rwanda...That might give him the adventure he craves and a wakeup call at the same time, not sure if they take 16 year olds though

OP posts:
doziedoozie · 26/09/2014 06:56

Hmm, well he is certainly strong-willed and determined, hopefully characteristics which will see him succeed in life later.

Is there anyone, friend, uncle, grandfather, teacher who he would be able to chat to, to give him somewhere to vent and maybe the adult can give some subtle guidance. Maybe the school knows of counsellors.

Fadingmemory · 26/09/2014 07:16

National Citizen Service? I don't know much about it and it sounds perhaps too organised and conventional for your DS. Runs in the autumn break.

Tell him he will have to find a job. Or, if he sees himself as having grown out of school, could he study at FE college or a sixth form college if there is one locally?

School can be a grind and some 16 year olds feel they cannot suck it up and carry on. That's life - not all fun and raves. Anyway, how can he go 'raving' anywhere without a bean?

How did he get home? Hope he either had to walk or catch the late bus.

mrscumberbatch · 26/09/2014 12:21

I was the same at his age OP, college definitely a better way to learn if he's feeling hemmed in by school.

The Rwanda thing sounds like an amazing idea, I'm sure there's a lot of organisations offering similar- maybe if he chooses one that is 'close to his heart' that he can get invested in?

TheBogQueen · 26/09/2014 12:25

Tell him to get a job. He's old enough to learn the value of money.

By the way I worked my way round music festivals aged 16 working behind the bars. It was called the Workers Beer Company - might be worth a shout although that was ahem ...a long time ago.

Hakluyt · 26/09/2014 13:21

Where are all these jobs people thing 16 year olds can walk into?

TheBogQueen · 26/09/2014 14:00

Well I washed hair in a hairdressers every weekend from the age of 15 and then progressed to Saturday work at WHSmith and then Our Price records at 17.I also temped in the mail room in the big city firms in London.

DP worked as a labourer aged 15 carrying bags of cement up tower blocks and digging out foundations. Also worked as a cinema usher and theatre usher.

mrscumberbatch · 26/09/2014 14:43

I was 16 only a decade or so ago but would imagine that things have totally changed.
I worked behind a bar, put on gig nights in a pub and did PR for bands.

I doubt many bars wouldn't be slow in asking for some ID before they employ somebody these days Wink

There are opportunities for 16 year olds but they've gotta have some drive.

I know of a tourist spot (in Scotland) that they take on 16 year olds as weekend cleaners, kitchen porters etc... But in their 6 years of operations they've taken the best from their staff and kids who started as waitresses are now event planners and one of their cleaners is now a manager for en site living.

So there are opportunities but you need to have your eyes peeled as they're few and far between

Original poster
DieselSpillages · 26/09/2014 17:46

So after a horrible stressful sleepness night of worrying we went in to see the school.
They were great and told DS plainly how it was and that they would support him in finding a different career path but that he had to stay on at school till at least next spring so that he could go on trial work experience etc. that it would be much harder to find a placement if he just gave up now.

Ds has not said outright that he agrees with this but he worked on his art project today so I'm hopeful that he's seen sense and has been given a bit of hope for the future.

He has, however, declared he's off for the weekend to see some friends and will be back sometime Sunday night. I guess he's off raving but I'm not sure I dare risk the status quo by making a fuss.

I would be happy for him to just get a job but in this country (not uk) it seems you need a 2 year diploma to even work in a shop Confused

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