Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

She needs to leave

32 replies

Mrsfatso · 10/09/2014 18:34

Dd16 makes all of our lives a complete and utter misery. She is nasty, violent and abusive toward everyon from her three year old brother who she kicks, calls names, her sister who she pushes and insults to me and dh who are sworn at, threatened with knives and abused. She ruins every holiday, every birthday, every occasion. She has no friends or social life so is at home all the time when not at school. The only way I am able to manage her behaviour is making her stay in her room and away from everyone else. Please believe me when I say we have tried everything. Gp not interested and only gave us details of counsellors for anger therapy etc which dd point blank refused to go to. She has been like this all her life and I can honestly say the misery and heartache she has caused me far outweighs any happiness. I have tried doing things with her alone, giving her individual attention, talking to her, she takes up more if my time and energy than the others. I need her to go when she is 18. I need her to go for all of our sakes. The other two cannot grow up living in fear with her constant abuse in their ears. I feel as if I am serving a prison sentence. She has no ambition and just laughs and says she's staying here forever. I feel trapped in an abusive relationship as I don't know how I can make her go, I don't know if I could bring myself to throw her out. Please don't post to tell me all the things I have done wrong, I have read every book, tried every approach, nothing changes.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 10/09/2014 18:38

I had a friend with a daughter like this.

Eventually she moved out at 16 to live in some sort of assisted living flat as she could no longer stay at home for the health and well bein gof the rest of the family.

Very sad, but I think it was the right thing for all of them.

PurpleWithRed · 10/09/2014 18:39

So very sorry to hear this, I can't imagine how difficult your lives must be. Are social services involved?

Candycharm · 10/09/2014 18:39

I don't really have any advice as you sound like you have already explored things I would have suggested. I just wanted to say I feel very sorry for the situation you are in, it must be very hard for you. I live with my younger brother and he is an absolute nightmare at times, definitely abusive and I think if I didn't have to I wouldn't speak to him at all as it really brings me down, I also just send him away to his room as he's awful with my son a majority of the time. That being said I can get along with him some of the time so your situation sounds a lot more extreme. Have you talked to her about why she is like that? Or is there something that happened that you could attribute to her behaviour?

MalibuStacy · 10/09/2014 18:47

She KICKS her 3 year-old brother? My God, I'd have her arrested. Sorry you're going through this, OP.

GiveTwoSheets · 10/09/2014 18:54

Sheltered housing / accommodation are great port of call for advice they may also be able to advise on other agencies you could get help from. They helped alot when I had my teenage nephew turn up one day to live with me.

Cocolepew · 10/09/2014 18:59

I know a woman who got SS involved and had her 16 yo DD removed , she also went into assisted living.

MagpieMama · 10/09/2014 19:03

Do you phone the police when she becomes threatening and/or violent? I know it's hard but it might be the only way to get the support you need.

CarbeDiem · 10/09/2014 19:05

I also have a friend who had to do this too.
Very similar to what you're describing and to your family situation OP. SS were already involved because of the dd and they arranged assisted living. She fell out with her parents for a while and it took a long time to rebuild some kind of relationship but my friend never regretted it - like you she had younger dc in home to protect.

Do you think something like calling the police would work? She is assaulting people and it's not on. It probably wouldn't change how she is but maybe scare her enough to leave the others alone.

Really feel for you and wish you all the best X

Stinkle · 10/09/2014 19:08

I'd go to social services now

I'm a foster carer and we had a placement for a while, pretty much as you describe your DD. The young person's mum had other younger children and she was terrified for them.

My YP and their mum managed to build a pretty good relationship once they were no longer living together

starsandunicorns · 10/09/2014 19:10

Report to police when she hits she be atrresed but sadly brought back to your house ( been there got T-shirt) i was the punch bag

have you phoned social services yet they may pop round and give her a support worker ( though mine had one and it didn't do a smudge a difference ) Thanks

gamerchick · 10/09/2014 19:12

Ring social services and tell them you're putting her out. They'll put her in supported housing.

It might be the wake up call she needs.

Original poster
Mrsfatso · 10/09/2014 19:12

Thanks everyone for being so kind. I am afraid to contact social services in case my younger children are removed! Please tell me I am not the worst mother in the world for needing her to leave because I feel like I am.

OP posts:
whohasnickedmyvodka · 10/09/2014 19:13

Hi mrsfatso. please feel free to pm me as my ds16 is in foster care at the moment because he was violent towards me and my dd 8 there where many other problems with him as well please do not think any of this is your fault Flowers x

gamerchick · 10/09/2014 19:14

They won't even focus on your other kids aside from the need to protect them don't worry.

AnyFucker · 10/09/2014 19:15

Your younger children will not be removed. You will be seen to be protecting their interests.

Look love, at least 3 people on this thread have said, in the last hour or so, that they know someone in the exact same situation (or someon ewho has been)

You are not alone. SS will have seen all this before. Get the help that you, your family and your daughter need before something awful happens.

AnyFucker · 10/09/2014 19:16

that makes it 4 people

this is commoner than you think, OP

gamerchick · 10/09/2014 19:20

It is.. its scarily more common than people like to think and supported housing is quite comfortable, they converted a load of bedsits round here to accommodate it.

Stinkle · 10/09/2014 19:23

Honestly, your younger children won't be removed.

With the young person I referred to above, it was actually seen as a positive, that the mum was protecting the younger siblings.

And once it had all died down, the YP and their mum went on to build a really good, close relationship once they were no longer living together

AnyFucker · 10/09/2014 19:25

stinkle, that is a heartwarming story

OP, it's not the end of your relationship

there is hope

but you cannot carry on as you are

Stinkle · 10/09/2014 19:29

Oh, and Mrsfatso, you are absolutely not the worst mother ever!

Original poster
Mrsfatso · 10/09/2014 20:31

Thank you you are all just lovely x
It's good to know I have options. I will speak to dh tonight. You've all helped me feel much more positive since posting so thank you.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 10/09/2014 20:37

I am glad

chocolatemonster · 11/09/2014 16:35

I could have written your post.

My ds has been like this for longer than I care to remember. I would be wary about expecting great things from SS - it depends on your area and resources available.

I was so worried about his risk taking behaviour and violent outbursts I contacted SS several times as I was so worried about the impact on his younger siblings. As they deemed me responsible and sane they did not really want to step in. Eventually another professional involved contacted them and voiced her concerns about the CP issues for the siblings. They visited and were involved for a few months but didn't really do much. I asked about alternative accommodation for a while but they didn't want to do this as they deemed his living environment good!!! The stress was intolerable.

He was away for quite a few months staying with a friend and the difference in the house was amazing. My other dcs flourished and became less anxious.

He has not engaged in education at all and has just started FE but already I can see he is not going to stick it. Think we are in for another rough ride.

All I can say is that you have to keep on at SS about the effects on the other children. I really feel for you - it takes over your life and it's hard to take it every day. I pray you get some support

gamerchick · 11/09/2014 17:00

That's why I say put them out.

If you ring up and ask but are still willing to keep them at home you have no hope of getting anywhere. You literally have to put them out so they are homeless before they'll help.

Madamecastafiore · 11/09/2014 17:04

She is 16 and acting this way entirely of her own volition. Sit her down and tell her that next time she kicks off you will have no choice but to pack her belongings for her and change the locks.

Give her strict boundaries and a final warning that way you can always say to her later on that the choice was actually hers.

You don't have to put up with this, no one will ink any less of you and you need to do it for your other children.