She needs to leave

[Mrsfatso]

Dd16 makes all of our lives a complete and utter misery. She is nasty, violent and abusive toward everyon from her three year old brother who she kicks, calls names, her sister who she pushes and insults to me and dh who are sworn at, threatened with knives and abused. She ruins every holiday, every birthday, every occasion. She has no friends or social life so is at home all the time when not at school. The only way I am able to manage her behaviour is making her stay in her room and away from everyone else. Please believe me when I say we have tried everything. Gp not interested and only gave us details of counsellors for anger therapy etc which dd point blank refused to go to. She has been like this all her life and I can honestly say the misery and heartache she has caused me far outweighs any happiness. I have tried doing things with her alone, giving her individual attention, talking to her, she takes up more if my time and energy than the others. I need her to go when she is 18. I need her to go for all of our sakes. The other two cannot grow up living in fear with her constant abuse in their ears. I feel as if I am serving a prison sentence. She has no ambition and just laughs and says she's staying here forever. I feel trapped in an abusive relationship as I don't know how I can make her go, I don't know if I could bring myself to throw her out. Please don't post to tell me all the things I have done wrong, I have read every book, tried every approach, nothing changes.

You obviously need to do something but as a previous poster said do not expect a solution from SS. Even if she is on the streets they will not necessarily get her even emergency accommodation immediately (they are meant to for 16/17 year olds but often it is dependent on a youth worker / housing caseworker advocating on behalf of the young person. Outcomes for young people who leave home are so very poor, and support so expensive, the first thing they will do is try and mediate her back home to you. If you were to throw her out you would have to take a very hard line indeed, change the locks, no contact, etc. the support given in supported housing varies hugely too and young people living independently so young can be very vulnerable. It is clear that you need to protect your other children and you have tried everything, all I am saying is be aware that the mechanisms meant to kick in to support homeless young people can be very patchy and even if you took the step of throwing her out, there would be a very difficult process to go through.

I really feel for any of you going through this at the moment.
My DS1 was like this from 13 until I made him leave age 16, he went to live with a friend and his mother, he was a completely different boy around them.
We had triedGP, counseling, SS, school, you name it, several police station visits later and nothing was changing.
Our relationship was horrific for a long time and NC for 8 months. He is now 22 and has sat down and apologized several times to us all over he last three years for being that way, he says he couldn't stop himself and now feels so ashamed of how he treated us all.
We have moved on , it was really hard to let him go, but definitely the best thing at the time.

You need to protect her brother. Please PM the posters who have had to get SS involved with their children.

I agree - even if you lock her out there is no guarantee SS will help plus even if they do you have to be strong to follow it through.

Advice is easy but when it comes down to your own flesh and blood your emotions do kick in in a huge way. My ds cannot conform to anything and I cannot see this changing for the foreseeable future. Other people say to me if it was them they would have nothing to do with him but it's so easy to say when you are not emotionally involved.

If I had just him it would be easier but I don't - my other children have the right to a calm life. It's hard on them too and they have conflicting emotions of loving him as their brother but hating his behaviour.

It definitely has had an impact on them - after 4 yrs of me trying to access support SS did concede that the effects on his siblings were huge! But as I had no drink/drug/neglect issues they didn't want to get involved. Strange - as if he were my partner I am sure they would be singing a different tune.

I hope you are ok.

I am so sorry with what is going on,
You say you keep her in her room and away from the othe DC.
What is is her room? If she has a tv/computer/tablet etc take them away making her room as boring as possible but only allow her to share family time when her behaviour improves. Stop giving her money, buying her things etc.
You may have already tried all this but if not, give it a try
Thinking of you

Are there grand parents she can live with? My dd was also a nightmare at that age and she too had a much younger sibling. The jealousy was palpable. Still is to a degree.

My dd moving in with my mum and then her (thank the good lord) very sensible and boring dp saved our relationship.

She is 24 now and our relationship isn't perfect but we have a relationship and that's something. She is growing up into a lovely young lady.

I was in the same situation as you 2 years ago, my DD was the worst person to live with, absolutely horrendous to my DS. She was 16, was not going to school, I tried all the routes you have, then my rib got broken in a argument and I gave her 4 weeks to move out.
I did agree that if she could live to a few extremely basic rules, ie no violence being one of them she could stay. I kept on reiterating everyday that I was serious about her moving out.
We got to the last day of the 4 weeks notice, and she came and talk to me, and agreed to the rules.
That was 2 years ago, has it been all easy no, but the outburtsts have stop (apart form 1 or 2, but they are teens)
What changed, she got a job, started respecting herself a bit more. Now we get on ok, still difficult with a teenager, but I'm glad I made that decision to finally make the hard choice, or I don't know how she would be now.
Your not a bad mother, we want to do everything possible for them it's hard when everyone is telling you to evict them, but think about you and your family.