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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

daughter and her boyfriend want to move in together..

43 replies

katea723 · 09/09/2014 12:32

My 19 yearold daughter (20 next week) & her 23 yearold boyfriend of almost 4 years (myself and her father STILL have not met him!) want to rent a house together. They both work full time and have great jobs, I just don't understand why we aren't allowed to meet him. She is always really moody and angry around us, we have never discussed her love life really, anytime I ask about her boyfriend she just keeps quiet about it, I just don't know what to do :-( it's like she hates us!

OP posts:
IAmAShitHotLawyer · 09/09/2014 14:09

If you dd is really moody and angry around you then it's probably about time she left home and got her own place anyway.

Be there for her if needs and asks for your help but otherwise I personally would try not to interfere.

LatteLoverLovesLattes · 09/09/2014 14:11

4 years, four and you haven't met him? She has been with him since she was 15 and you didn't meet him? Why? Why did you not tell her she wasn't seeing him again until you had met him? She was a child?! Yes she's nearly 20 now, but this is not right and it's not normal. He could be anyone, having groomed her in anyway.

Hakluyt · 09/09/2014 14:17

Your 15 year old was going out with a 19 year old and you didn't insist on meeting him?

It's a bit late- but I wouldn't start from here, as they say........

AnyFucker · 09/09/2014 14:18

By now, I would be thinking there was something about this "boyfriend" that your daughter didn't want you to know about ? Haven't you asked what it might be ? She started seeing him when she was what ? 15 ?

You sound like either very passive or very disinterested parents.

Fairylea · 09/09/2014 14:20

Are you sure he isn't a lot older than she says he is? That might explain her reluctance to let you meet him if she's been seeing him since she was 15.

If they move in together at least you can turn up and see him!

AnyFucker · 09/09/2014 14:26

Is the boyfriend a girl ?

is he already married with kids ?

is he 54, not 24 ?

Who knows ?

I am unable to understand how this situation has got to this point at all.

ElephantsNeverForgive · 09/09/2014 14:31

Four years. I can't conceive of my parents or DH going 4 weeks without wanting to meet my BF or the DDs BFs when we were 15. Certainly we'd expect to if they were older and/or at a different school.

DownByTheRiverside · 09/09/2014 14:34

Does she live with you?
She's 19, it's entirely her business now.

DownByTheRiverside · 09/09/2014 14:38

DD has a friend who was kicked out by her family when she was 16, she's getting married soon and her parents aren't invited.
She's a fantastic and lovely person, that family doesn't realise what a treasure they threw out.
I think that there's a huge back story to this first post.

AnyFucker · 09/09/2014 14:40

Let's hear it then. OP ?

DownByTheRiverside · 09/09/2014 15:03

Is she embarrassed by her family?

AnyFucker · 09/09/2014 15:08

Is she marrying into a cult ?

Are her parents naturist swingers living in a commune ?

< this could be fun >

Or is there a more serious reason why a 19yo girl has been having a serious relationship with someone since she was 15, that her parents know fuck-all about ?

gamerchick · 09/09/2014 15:11

My 19 yr old doesn't like introducing me to her boyfriends either because I make them squirm.

It sounds as if she's ready to move out though and there's not really much you can do about it. There may be something she doesn't want you to know yet just give her time.

DownByTheRiverside · 09/09/2014 15:14

They've had 4 years of time, and the OP still doesn't know why the DD doesn't want them to meet her boyfriend. That's not giving them time, that's stagnation.

Lally112 · 09/09/2014 15:17

she sounds like a typical moody cow teenage girl - I was a fucking nightmare. on the plus side let her move out and your relationship might actually improve. she will have her own space and make her own rules but will also have to stand on her own two feet and with that she will have to mature a little quicker. I found with moving out the relationship between 'parent' and 'child' becomes more of an adult one.

gamerchick · 09/09/2014 15:51

Yes but they aren't 19 forever. I was a serious nightmare at that age.

I agree the relationship changes when hey move out and hopefully get less angry the more used they get.

AnyFucker · 09/09/2014 16:01

It isn't now she is refusing to introduce them. This has been going on since she was 15 ....yunno, when she was below the age of consent and still actually her parent's responsibilty Hmm

AnyFucker · 09/09/2014 16:01

It isn't now she is refusing to introduce them. This has been going on since she was 15 ....yunno, when she was below the age of consent and still actually her parent's responsibilty Hmm

AnyFucker · 09/09/2014 16:01

sorry for double post, my pc is going a bit crackers

gamerchick · 09/09/2014 17:07

I didn't Introduce my boyfriends to my parents at 15.

That ship has sailed.. The OPs daughter is not 15 and you can't go back in time. So imo it's a bit pointless focusing on it in great depth.

Unless this is going to turn into a bash the OP thread for her sins as a parent. Well that's If she comes back etc.

NoWayYesWay · 09/09/2014 17:16

Would it achieve anything to pretend you are delighted and, maybe, suggest meeting the boyfriend? Confused

DownByTheRiverside · 09/09/2014 17:17

Unless the OP can work out, calmly and honestly why her daughter appears to hate them, she has no place to start. The child is an adult now, with a job and a partner she's kept apart from her family for 4 years.
I really can't believe that the OP hasn't a clue what the problems are, whether the DD is right or completely irrational about it. She has to have some sort of inkling as to why her daughter wants to keep the two parts of her life separate.

AnyFucker · 09/09/2014 17:56

Since op had decided to do a disappearing act without telling us what the real issues are here there is not a lot more any of us can suggest, tbh

CatCushion · 09/09/2014 17:58

My DD is now 16 and has been going out with her 18 year old boyfriend since she was 15. DH already knew him and his parents (from a sports club they all help out at) and I insisted on him coming over for dinner and meeting him before they spent a lot of time together alone.

Since turning 16 now stays the night at his flat once a week (it's near her sixth form) and he has stayed here when there has been a good reason. He comes for meals often and so in the last few months I have got to know him quite well. I can't say I was all that happy with the age difference or the potential overnight stays to start with. Ultimately I have brought DD up to make her own choices about her body and who she is friends with, while we both also working on the relationship we have and on improving communication. So she is making her own choices. If at 19 she decides that she wants to move in with her boyfriend then that will be up to her, but I have made it clear that she will have to pay her own way and will not be available for lifts, to pay for any extras, to wash or cook or host parties or sleepovers etc. (There was some talk of her moving in with him while doing A levels, which apparently she is legally allowed to do next year. I made it clear that I think that is too soon when there are no problems at home and I felt very hurt by that.)

2 of my best friends at school moved in with their boyfriends at 18/19 and they both became highly educated and had great careers. The support from their partners helped them achieve this. They did all have fairly good relationships with parents too.

OP, do you or your DH hold any strong views or beliefs which your DD disagrees with?

At 18 she can make her own decisions about where she lives. If i were you i would be doing as much as possible to help her move and be independent from the family home and parental support. Invite them back for Sunday dinner and to help them out if they want it, make sure she knows she can come back home and phone/text you any time. I would want hwr new address and to meet the partner, but without hwr consent this is going to be difficult.

Original poster
katea723 · 09/09/2014 23:53

She was actually 16 when she met him and he was 19. I see no problem with a 3 year difference. I'm just confused as to why we can't meet him, she just does her own thing. I have tried to invite him over numerous times so i obviously DO care.

OP posts: