daughter and her boyfriend want to move in together..

[katea723]

My 19 yearold daughter (20 next week) & her 23 yearold boyfriend of almost 4 years (myself and her father STILL have not met him!) want to rent a house together. They both work full time and have great jobs, I just don't understand why we aren't allowed to meet him. She is always really moody and angry around us, we have never discussed her love life really, anytime I ask about her boyfriend she just keeps quiet about it, I just don't know what to do :-( it's like she hates us!

There is nothing u can don't stop them, they are over the age of consent.

Weird jot meeting him, I'd be insisting on meeting him.

And for the person who said i had disappeared earlier, i was at work actually. We do argue, she's lazy, and just lies about when she get home from work which annoys me i ask her to help out more around the house and everything just turns into an argument of her accusing me of treating her like a child. I've seen her boyfriend drop her home and pick her up and i know he is defiantly 23 years old. They met eachother in college. I've asked her a ton of times when we are going to meet him but she either doesn't reply or else says why would you want to? She and her dad get on like they hate eachother, he always teases her about her bf too. I can see she would be embarrassed but it's been 4 years almost :s

Apologies for the spelling mistakes, stupid phone.

It is a struggle to stay on the right side of the posting guidelines sometimes.

She was 16 (or so you say now). Sixteen you don't ask if you can meet them and let them do their own thing, you tell them to bring them home to meet you and you parent them.

Still, you have made this scruffy bed, you are simply going to have to lay in it or talk to your DD.

Right so I'm the worst parent in the world now? She's a moody cow who constantly answers back to me rude and doesn't let me into her life. I have tried. And what do you mean so i say so now? I never said she was 15. She was left school when she met him. I have tried everything, she hates us.

Wow, if only LatteLoverLovesLattes could all let us know her parenting secrets. It sounds so simple. I'm suprised anyone has any problems with their teens when all you have to do is tell them

OP, I suggest ignoring some of the less helpful posters.

A lot of people have been rude to me, I'm leaving, I will let her know I'm always a text/phone all/short drive away if she needs me. She is clearly ashamed of us, I don't know what else I can do other than explain I'll always be there. Hopegully she will invite us iver sometime, who knows? - A few of you guys have made my heart break a little bit more than it already was with your rudeness. I'm pretty sure you all aren't perfect parents. It's late, goodnight x

Again, sorry about the spelling,

Katea.
I hope everything works out. I'm sorry some of the judgey posters have upset you. You were only asking for help at a difficult time. Mumsnet is weird like that. Another day you might have only got sympathetic replies.

I don't think it's that unusual for teens to hate their parents. Hopefully, things will work out soon. Maybe once she has her own place she will start to appreciate you more.

Good luck.

Hey katea, please don't leave entirely.

I totally appreciate that your thread did turn pretty judgemental quite quickly and that is sad. Unfortunately, on an open forum, people don't always ask clarification questions, so they take you at your word in your OP.

You sound like you're going through a tough time and are being pretty hard on yourself already.

Communications between mid to late teens and their parents are not always clear and open; more to the point, a lot of parents think it's going ok and it only emerges much later that things were not as they seemed.

Relationships are hard work and you shouldn't be so hard on yourself; you've dealt with things as you thought fit and (probably) slid into a pattern with your DD which you've just been jolted out of with this 'living together' revelation.

Agree with all the PPs in that, she is old enough to make her own mistakes. Just relax, let her go and let her know that you are always there for her, without judgement (often send messages to my guys when they seem down to just say 'I'm here if you want to talk and I promise to just listen').

She isn't necessarily ashamed of you or of him. It's possible she is simply aware of the disconnect between you (as parents) and him (her peer and BF) and is unable to connect the two worlds; it's not that unusual.

There are plenty of people here who will listen to you, hear you and support you. I remain certain, that is the actual intention of the vast majority of MNetters...

Be strong, and be kind to yourself.

Should've said, some (AF especially, as always) asked the questions but didn't see answers; it's a fast moving environment here, thus my PP is not a judgment on it becoming judgmental.

Stick around katea, you will be able to get help and support here.

I would just say "OK, remember you always have a home here with us' and let her crack on.

You can't stop her anyway and if she's that lazy it might happen. If it does she will either succeed and not be so lazy in her own place, tidy up and pay the bills or she will not be able to manage.

If she was my dd I would want her to know she could come back, on my terms, if she needed to.

I wouldn't be a guarantor in this situation as she doesn't sound reliable and I wouldn't giver her any money if she doesn't manage the financial side of things.

Yep I agree with the above.. let her go OP she'll learn her own lessons. Sometimes you can do everything right and our teens are still wild and need some time to grow up.

And it does sound as if she has a fair bit of growing up to do.

My dd can be a bit like this everyone is different. She likes yo keep things to herself, we don't have the kind of relationship where she gets in and needs to tell me who said what or who snogged who she just gets on with it. Dd 2 - complete different ball game.
Could you say you would like to meet her partner before she flies the nest?

Being a moody cow to your mum goes with being a teenager, it seems to me, but I really would hope mine can have rediscovered some good manners and appreciation be their late teens.

Your are in a hard spot, Katea, but this too will pass. Lots of older teenagers move out of the parental home, and ultimately we all want our children to be independent from us as adults. 18 year olds are adults (even if they might not always seem to be) and can move out, and if they can fund that themselves it's a good thing. Far better than still living at home aged 40!

I was the same .I had built up a moody cow front for home and a giddy lovely side for bf. I couldn't bare the thought of my parents seeing me all smiles and giggling and i was worried they'd out me by saying"shes usually moody" . It makes no sense looking back now and from mid 20s i've got on with my parents really well.I guess i just took longer to get out of the moody phase !

Your daughter is of age and can do as she wishes - make it clear that if that is what she wants then it is up to her but not to expect financial support.
As far as the b/friend is concerned I think you shoud be extremely concerned ..how old is he really?? is he married??is he working or a layabout?? goodness me you have let things slip