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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Please can you help. I have Ds1 DS2 DS3 DD4 at home and can't cope

28 replies

dirtmusic · 03/08/2014 00:37

Hello. All 4 children are mine with the same dad. Normally things are fine but this holidays it is tough because DS1 and DS2 'left' home but are back now until September. Extremely selfish behaviour from all four; gaming/ watching until the early hours; demanding that I do things; complaining aggressively about the lack of food; leaving a trail of mess and being rude and unpleasant including swearing horribly at my face routinely. The house is disgusting. It is depressing. It is as if all four of them being at home together have mutated into grown up versions of themselves when they were toddlers. Is this normal? How much should I be disciplining them. How can I discipline them? They have no appreciation whatsoever of what I do for them. I am saddened by their extraordinary selfishness. DS1 is 21 DS2 is 18 DS3 is 18 and DD is 16. I want to run away.

OP posts:
Quivering · 03/08/2014 00:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WaffleWiffle · 03/08/2014 00:47

At that age it's more about expecting respect rather than direct discipline.

I remember my own mum's shout of 'this house is not a hotel' and ' you will abide by my rules whilst in my house' from when my brothers and I were young adults living at home.

You set expectations and tell them they will leave unless they abide

AdoraBell · 03/08/2014 00:55

Other than the 16yr old, how much money do they contribute to the food bill, the rent, phone/internet and electric (for the TV). Who cooks on Monday? Tuesday?
Wednesday? Who washes up after having dinner cooked for them? Who cleans the kitchen while someone else is cleaning the kitchen? And if they won't, when are they moving out of your house?

Do you see? You are their mother but they are adults and the 16 yr old will copy them. Don't do the things you did when they were 6, 8 and 12.

AdoraBell · 03/08/2014 00:58

Oops, hit the wrong button.

What does their father say? Is he backing you up? If not he needs to join Team Parents and get to work.

Lally112 · 03/08/2014 00:59

Cut the electric/ internet off and go out for a bit down the pub or something. Have yourself a nice Wine or whatever suits you. I was married with a house and a baby when I was their age. They're technically adults now and should be acting like it, you expect this from 12/ 13 year olds not young adults.

BOFster · 03/08/2014 01:02

Jeez, I think running away is actually quite a sensible idea. Can you go and stay with a good friend(s)/relative and get a break for a week or two? Why the fuck should you stick around to be a servant to a bunch of unpleasant young adults?

Original poster
dirtmusic · 03/08/2014 01:04

Thank you so much for the feedback it's so helpful and good to have. I'm a single parent. They hardly ever see their dad who lives abroad and doesn't help financially or otherwise. It's been a tough old grind and the current selfishness from the four of them is really worrying me. Should I ignore their rudeness. Should I make them pay/contrinute? How much should they be doing to help. I work full time from home. None of them pay anything. What do you think?

OP posts:
Meow75 · 03/08/2014 01:14

You need a family meeting firstly. Also have a look online/local paper etc to gauge how much a room or flat share is in your area, and think about the % of their income needs to come to help fund the household. Show them shopping bills, utilities bills, etc. force them to realise that living at home ain't a fee ride, and also show how outgoings relate regarding your income. If no income, find a summer job and EVERYONE takes a fair share of chores.

In short, shape up or ship out INCLUDING 16 y o.

MrsRuffdiamond · 03/08/2014 01:15

Would you be able to switch off power to the relevant sockets at the fuse box to prevent use of X-boxes etc.?

The shock might make them come to their senses. The quid pro quo for reinstatement of gaming rights would be some help around the house, and not taking you for granted.

(This is a fantasy scenario of mine, when I start feeling like a skivvy in my own home - a common feature of life with teenagers, I think. Haven't actually tried it yet, as my major fault is not carrying through on consequences).

A friend has reclaimed her life by rewarding any rudeness or lack of respect for house rules with a refusal to do anything for the transgressor for the following week - lifts, cooking, washing, ironing etc.

I think contributions would depend on what their incomes were. Are they all in full time education, for example? If they are working, then I think they should definitely be giving you something for their board and lodging.

It's so difficult to stop thinking of them as your children (which they always will be, of course!) and start thinking of them as adults with responsibilities as well as rights.

Fairenuff · 03/08/2014 01:18

Do not ignore the rudeness. Family meeting. Set out the expectations. Anyone who doesn't like it is free to leave. Make allowances for the 16 year old, although they should still be respectful to you.

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 03/08/2014 01:29

Throw all except the 16yo out for a couple of nights. They're adults, after all. Might make them think.

lljkk · 03/08/2014 12:53

Wondering if I would have only brown bread & butter in the house for the duration.

Wifi goes off at 9pm & only I have the password.

Paperplates, cost to come out of any money I would have otherwise given them.

YoungBritishPissArtist · 03/08/2014 13:20

This sounds horrible for you HmmShock

I think you need to make it clear to them that you're not their servant.

Stop cooking for them, wash their clothes and maybe when they're out you could confiscate their games consoles? Wink

gamerchick · 03/08/2014 13:28

Switch off the Internet and inform them they can have it back when they've cleaned up the house.

I would be putting the if you don't like it then the door is that way while handing them bags for their things but I'm mean like that.

amyhamster · 03/08/2014 13:31

Are they students then? Why aren't they working over the summer ?
If they yell & swear in your face I'd tell them they're no longer welcome to come home in the holidays

FreeLikeABird · 03/08/2014 13:41

Well they wouldn't be living in my house acting like that.

The eldest 3 are adults, they should be either working or helping you out and respecting you in your home.

I would seriously have a sit down with the all, set out some rules/chores and tell the they have X amount of time to turn this around or they can find somewhere else to go.

Get tuff op, there behaviour is disgusting.

PittTheYounger · 03/08/2014 13:43

Man up op. You know the answer

exasperatedemma · 03/08/2014 19:19

This sounds exhausting and draining for you, I don't blame you for wanting to run away - sounds like you need a holiday... ON YOUR OWN! Trying to think what I would do and I think I would write down what I'll accept and what I wouldn't in terms of behaviour etc - keep this list to myself to strengthen my resolve and then pick a time to sit them all down and clearly outline how things are going to be from tomorrow. No messing. You are not to be messed with but respected. Be really factual and matter of fact about it, try to keep the emotion out of the conversation. Explain there will be consequences (maybe unplug the wifi after 11pm! or something!) that they won't like. Try to get them to see that you can all live harmoniously (sort of) if they all share the living arrangements. it definitely is not fair to have one person do it all. Maybe write a list of all the chores, eg, washing, ironing, bins, cleaning bathrooms etc and cut it into strips like a sweepstake - tell them that you will just allocate chores or they can choose! Good luck, you sure do deserve a break though. x

ChillySundays · 03/08/2014 20:12

All of them should be looking for work and all of them should be helping. That said I have DC 19 & almost 16 and bugger if I can get them to help. Nightmare - I feel for you OP as I am struggling with 2.

Original poster
dirtmusic · 03/08/2014 23:44

Hello again. THANK YOU to everyone so very much. Your help is wonderful. My parents have been helping. One by one the DS have been apologising today - only the DD has not but she is angling towards it. The meeting is a brilliant idea and especially the suggestion that it is spelt out how much everything costs. My parents will be at the meeting, too so that I am not so heavily outnumbered. It sounds odd but DS1 and DS3 are both really tall and because they're 3 boys and one girl it is difficult sometimes to assert yourself. I'm only 5 ft 3 so it's quite noticeable. So with my Mum and Dad there it'll definitely be better. I think that they helped bring the kids around to saying sorry etc because the kids could see I was supported.I think that is important. DS1 also bought three pats of butter. It's a start. DS1 now thinks he'll go to uni in Sept - so hopefully DS1 DS2 and DS3 will all be at uni in Sept time - so I think it's urgent that they learn to be considerate and helpful now, before it's too late.Thank you all again so so much for helping me - and them- turn this corner. Any more help would be hugely gratefully received. x

OP posts:
AdoraBell · 04/08/2014 02:04

I'm also only 5' 3", but I'm still the parentWink. Glad your parents are supporting you.

Are the boys trying to pull the "women's work" trick do you think in terms of expecting you to do everything? If so, you could ask them if they actively plan on starving in squalor once they find that women of their age won't play mummy?

embox · 04/08/2014 05:11

Restrict all screen time until they help out! They may be taller than you but your still there mum!

bronya · 04/08/2014 06:17

In your family meeting I'd point out that you pay for everything, and currently do all the work. Tell them they're adults, and if they don't help out/pay their way, they will receive none of the benefits of that money/effort. Split the household chores up between you all, fairly, and change the wifi password daily, only giving it to those who've done their share. Same for food - if they've not helped out and been polite, they can make their own dinner.

RandomFriend · 04/08/2014 09:57

In your family meeting, rather than dishing out tasks to each one, begin by explaining that the objective is a clean house/meal for five on the table at dinner time, etc. and that you need their help to work out a solution.

That way, they can volunteer for some of the work.

Have a list of tasks ready as backup, get it out and write their names against each one according to how they have volunteered.

Put your name against one of the tasks as well. That way, you can show that your job is done, rather than it being your job to look after and tidy up after all of them.

Good luck!

fattycow · 05/08/2014 11:22

My parents used to make me pay 25% of my income to them, no matter how much or little I earned. They did the same with my siblings. We all had to do chores. If one of us had no job, you were responsible for more chores as 1) you didn't contribute to the bills and 2) you had more time to do chores as you didn't have a job to go to.
They made it perfectly clear that we weren't living in 'Hotel Mum' and if we didn't like it, we could move out.
We got to pick our chores and the ones that didn't get picked got assigned to us. For example: I was responsible for sorting the washing and putting the machine on, as my brother is colourblind and cannot sort the washing. He was responsible for washing the windows, as he is very tall and does not need a stepladder in order to reach the top of the windows.
My sister didn't have a job for a long time, but she loves cooking. She was made responsible for the groceries and cooking on alternate evenings. She used to ride her bike to 5 different supermarkets every day to get the best value for money for the stuff she bought.