Do I send this email to dd's head teacher or not?

[fivesacrowd]

Dd is just starting S5 & the HT posted his list of prefects yesterday. Dd was gutted not to be on the list, not just because all her friends are, but more because she has no idea why she wasn't. She's predicted 10 A's in her exams, has arts colours, got an academic award last year, does charity work, skis, plays two musical instruments, has loads of interests outside school & is generally a good kid. I've just composed an email to the HT asking why she's not a prefect (deputy head & guidance teacher both told her today that they were surprised she'd been missed), so that I can try to help her come to terms with his decision as she's got it into her head that she must be inferior in some way to her peers. I'm just really asking him what she needs to do to improve her chances for next year. Do I send it or not?

Not.

Phone/meet. Do this is person.

I think your daughter should ask, under the guise of needing feedback, just as you would after an unsuccessful job interview.

Not. She needs to go and ask herself.

No you shouldn't but I would

Yes, I think at that age, she needs to do it herself. Perhaps she could speak to the guidance teacher, in the first instance, and she could suggest how she would go about getting feedback from whoever does the choosing.

She spoke to guidance teacher today who said she had no idea why she'd missed out, but it was ultimately HTs decision. School stops on Wed so I need it sorted ASAP.

oh god PLEASE NO NO NO NO NO

we get these every year.
PLEASE DONT - you will look a fool.

She needs to make an appointment to speak to the Head herself.

Mmm, do they automatically select prefects then? And they get the chance every year?
At ds's school they select prefects at the end of Y10 to serve only in Y11. And the child / pupil needs to fill in an application form, listing two subjects in which they would like to be prefect. The application form asks them reasons why they wish to be prefect, how they would deal with certain situations etc. They then hold interviews and give both successful and unsuccessful candidates feedback.

I would not email. If there is a chance she can do it next year then bide your time.
If your dd really wants to know, then perhaps she can arrange to speak with the head of year / deputy head / head himself in person herself.

she was prob crap in the interview.

Or is a secret smoker.

I would suggest DD emails the Head to ask for constructive feedback about why she has not been given a post. She could say she is happy to receive an email or come for a chat. Seems better given the tight timescale and busyness of Heads.
It will show initiative and I'm sure will get a reply. The Head will have to think about it and look into it. There maybe a genuine mistake and she will get a position. Or she will receive a useful explanation why not.

The thing is, is it you or is it her that wants to know why this happened? If it is just you and she doesn't want to make contact because she is not that bothered, then don't make her do it. If she is bothered, but feels embarrassed emailing, explain to her that sometimes we need to ask the tricky questions to get closure on things.

My attitude to wanting to know things, is to always ask. Better to ask and get an answer than to dwell on something. However others are right that this needs to be her question, not yours.

Could it just be numbers? There are 6 exceptional pupils but they only need 5 prefects?

My DD1 is very similar to your DD in a good school, she didn't get picked even for an interview for senior student, something that her teachers found odd. Her solution was to talk to the music department about being their prefect they were happy to have her. We knew their was no point in approaching the HT, she is very set in her ways and never changes her mind,I it is a very old fashioned school.

there is NO WAY they will have made a mistake.

yes I agree with chocwombat's suggestion, a breezy email asking for constructive feedback on why she missed out and what she needs to do to get selected next time.

I think that even if there is no way they have made a mistake, if the DD is unclear about where she fell down, for HER to ask is good. It can be a learning experience in terms of how to ask for feedback, how to receive it and also in terms of where her possible weaknesses are.

I think it needs to be entered into from the point of view of genuinely wanting to know how to improve, not for a sense of having been cheated though.

I thought being made a prefect was used as an opportunity to give responsibilities to children who might benefit from this and improve their skills with people/ confidence/ involvement in the school.
If this is the case and your DD ticks these boxes anyway then she won't be picked.

Or she isnt responsible as she gets her mum to mail in?

I think that many teenagers don't realise it is possible for them to communicate with a teacher or a person in authority and politely question why something has happened or ask for feedback. They have previously been children who are simply told what to do or what is happening. It is new to be of an age when you can communicate with people as an adult. DD may not have any sense that she can ask about this. her mother can explain this to her and it can become a valuable learning experience.

Learning to deal with disappointment is also valuable. Resilience and making a plan about what to next when things don't go our way, is a vital life skill.

I agree with the posters who say that this is something she needs to do. Poor her - it's not a nice feeling.

She hasn't been chosen. That's life.pursuing the head for feedback sounds desperate so just accept it.

she can always just lie when she is older

So the prefects are basically chosen on the HT's whim? At my dd's school there quite a lengthy application and interview process, and decisions are made by a panel of teachers. All seems very convoluted but it does seem a much fairer way.
Saying that, the prefects at dd's school are expected to turn up at every event which the school opens it's doors for after hours, and also to pick up,litter in the assembly hall after indoor breaks. Dd said there was no way she was interested!

Interesting different attitudes on here about dealing with disappointment.

There are those who say 'you didn't get it, accept it and move on' and those who say 'find out why'

I'm firmly in the 'find out' camp, for something like this. Of course there are things where we just move on. However, in this case DD seems to have no idea why she hasn't been made a Prefect. She could just move on,possibly feeling a little disgruntled and none the wiser when the next round of applications for something similar arises. Where is the gain in this?
Surely by asking (politely and with a genuine intention to learn) she can discover how to improve. Isn't this valuable? Isn't going through the process of confronting disappointment and learning how to ask for feedback and how to receive information about our own weaknesses useful?
I think we all find ourselves in a place where we need to do this at some point. It is not easy because no one likes to hear about their weaknesses, but to refuse to hear the information,mis to bury ones head in the sand and to not take the benefit that might be available from the situation.

This is not a massive big deal issue. It is the ideal time to have a go at asking for feedback in a safe environment. The girl can only benefit, if it is approached in a mature way.

I don't understand why some of you are so keen for her to not get that experience and the benefits of the feedback.