Do I send this email to dd's head teacher or not?

[fivesacrowd]

Dd is just starting S5 & the HT posted his list of prefects yesterday. Dd was gutted not to be on the list, not just because all her friends are, but more because she has no idea why she wasn't. She's predicted 10 A's in her exams, has arts colours, got an academic award last year, does charity work, skis, plays two musical instruments, has loads of interests outside school & is generally a good kid. I've just composed an email to the HT asking why she's not a prefect (deputy head & guidance teacher both told her today that they were surprised she'd been missed), so that I can try to help her come to terms with his decision as she's got it into her head that she must be inferior in some way to her peers. I'm just really asking him what she needs to do to improve her chances for next year. Do I send it or not?

I dont understand this.

Say there are ten prefects selected. Unless there are only eleven suitable candidates in her year, she wont be the only one who is disappointed at not being selected.

Asking for feedback = fine if she does it herself.
Asking to try and highlight that she should have been selected = wrong.

Is your dd prepared to hear why she wasnt selected?

Your dd has a lot of privileges as far as I can see. How does her playing instruments and going skiing make her more likely to be s prefect? Yabu

Is it possible that they felt she had enough on her plate already?

Agree she should ask for own feedback.

Surprised deputy head etc are expressing their surprise.

Surprised deputy head etc are expressing their surprise

What would you expect the other teachers to say, 'well you don't have Xs personality' or 'X has confidence problems due to ?// ? so HT gave it to her', surely they have little option but to be sympathetic but vague.

I also agree she should email & ask for feed back herself, it shows initiative & is good practice for when she's older, job hunting etc.

I'm also surprised in the split between accept disappointment & move on, or show some initiative & ask why herself

I would be impressed by her asking why herself, far less so if you do it for her

Maybe he thinks she has got enough on already.

My DS (7) came home from school no longer in a sports day event he was written down. He came home upset..I told him to ask the teacher ..he has ..told he is now not doing it another boy is....So I told him then move on..It is a school issue ...I tell him frequently things aren't fair.

Maybe they wanted another child who could do with the boost to get the responsibility.

She can pursue it if she wants but it isn't your job to.

She should ask for feedback if she wants to but it should come from her, not you.

She won't have been the only one not selected, or is she? Sounds most unlikely.

Maybe there's a very good reason why she'd be unsuitable; your list of why she would be is a little ridiculous, tbh. She plays musical instruments and skis?? Why would stuff like this affect her leadership qualities and people skills (or lack of)?

yes [GRIN] - I missed 'skis"

lol

this is a troll for SHO!

"deputy head & guidance teacher both told her today that they were surprised she'd been missed"

They are all in the "management team" - surely instead of saying they are surprised at the HT's decision, they should be sympathetic but vague, "well, there were a lot if good candidates this year and I'm sure it was a tough decision" - otherwise surprise indicates they think it was a mistake, which doesn't help anyone.

Maybe its not a bad thing for her to feel inferior for a bit?

yes agree its V unprofessional to slag off the final decision - makes the appointees look bad

Sometimes they have to do a proper application with personal statement etc. you'll know better than I do whether this is the case. Maybe the others were just better. Also you can't just pick the clever kids to be prefects. There has to be a good spread of the school community. Or maybe they think she's got enough on without being a prefect and are looking after her interests

Your dd sounds very accomplished. From what you have written, it sounds likely she should have been chosen. However, school giving out sensitive info like this will not have made a mistake. I expect the head teacher wanted to give someone else the responsibility as your dd has already got a "full house" of achievements - this is the British way unfortunately. Anyway you should not email the head, neither should your dd. It's enough of a giveaway that senior staff have expressed surprise at your dd not being picked. Either the head wants to give someone else a chance or the head doesn't like your dd. She should hold her head up high and continue with her good work in all her other areas.

We don't know why DD didn't get the post. She may have been weak in interview, not have had enough experience of helping out lower down the school, have been beaten by stronger candidates, or by weaker candidates who they wanted to give the job to.
We don't know know and neither does DD. The only way to find out and to get something useful from the situation is to ASK. She, not Op needs to do it.

Currently she is disappointed and doesn't know why she failed. If she asks, with an attitude of genuinely wanting to know why she didn't get it, several positives will come about;

• she will learn how to ask for constructive feedback

-she will learn how to receive it

• she will find out why she didn't get the job
• she will have a chance to deal with whatever stopped her getting the job
• the Head will see a mature and pro active approach to disappointment

All of this good can come from asking. Just leaving it and holding her head high, will mean she still doesn't know why it happened.

If it's a case of having a published rubric/application process/interviews and DD has gone through the process and been essentially told she didn't get the job then she should go and ask for feedback. Not to whine or plead but for constructive criticism of her application. Is she able to make the difference clear when she goes about asking for the feedback?

If it's a case of HT choosing from a hat or according to whim even if it appears she has similar personality, leadership potential, academic performance, etc., to those who have been picked, then she has to take her lumps and move on with her life.

Either way, Fives, you need to put the gun back in the holster and back away slowly...

The one thing you can do is to point out that you can't win em all and remind your DD that nobody owes her anything.

I was in this position back when I was at school and they were selecting the head girl. I had perfect grades, was head chorister, played in the orchestra, was in the school sports teams, directed the junior house play etc etc. I desperately wanted to be HG, partly for the kudos of the position but also because I thought it would help me get into medical school, but in the end I wasn't even interviewed (the Head plus a few other senior teachers selected 3-4 girls for interview and chose from them, there was no application/expression-of-interest process). I was devastated.

I was never brave enough to ask for feedback, and at the time got very bitter about it all being about nepotism and having parents who were friends with the Head, while I was a scholarship girl and my parents were not the right "sort." In truth, while some of that DID go on at my school, the main reason, which I only really worked out years down the line, was that I was totally unsuited to the post. I ticked lots of boxes and was very nice and polite but I did not have the personality to command the respect that was needed from the lower years. Stroppy year 9s would have run circles around me! Could the same possibly be true of your DD? It's perfectly possible to be a high-achiever but not have people-management skills at that age.

I think she'll benefit from asking for feedback, but it may not solve everything and she may have to hear some truths which she might not be comfortable with yet.

In my school the final year students elected the Head Student. There was no campaigning -- we all got a little slip of paper and on it we wrote the name of the person we felt would be most suitable. There was a unanimous vote the year I finished up in school.
The prefects were chosen by the Principal and Year Head plus homeroom teachers for the four different classes. In general, one student from each fairly well-established social/friend group was chosen and even the Bad Girls and Bad Boys were represented. Personality and potential counted for a lot. Academic achievement was not at all important.