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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

My 14yo DD wants to have sex!

41 replies

fessmess · 14/05/2014 16:46

Horrified doesn't cover it really. I'm reeling here. Thankfully dd and I have a good relationship and she has been openly talking to me about her relationship with her bf of three months. She's told me that she's masturbated him, and I said she was too young to do this and not being respectful to us or bf's parents to do this in our houses. Then she told me she is thinking about the full-blown deed. I've talked to her about stds, pregnancy, being emotionally ready(at LEAST 16 imo), being illegal, I could never condone this, couldn't say loud enough how bad this would be etc,etc etc.

They're not allowed in her room unless door is open and not allowed at home unless an adult is home. She goes to no-one's house without me knowing beforehand. The room/adult rule is the same in bf's house. I've told my dh, with her permission, and we don't know what to do.

I want to ban her from seeing him, lock her up and never let her out of my sight until she's 18!!

Practical advise needed please.

OP posts:

Cherryblossomsmile · 14/05/2014 16:47

How old is her bf?

LaurieFairyCake · 14/05/2014 16:50

I think you've done a great job explaining why not and I would now just say it's illegal and not possible and then I'd find a lot of things to do with her to prevent much alone time.

And no time alone with boyfriend as you're already doing.

She can't have sex if she's busy and not alone with him.

Original poster

fessmess · 14/05/2014 16:50

Oh yes, should've said. 15 and also a virgin. Doesn't seem like she's being pressured, I think she's just curious.

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Salazar · 14/05/2014 16:52

I think you might need to get in touch with bfs parents. They need to know how unhappy you are with the situation, so they can protect them when in their home.

As for outside, good luck. I've no idea how you stop determined teenagers from having sex.

Please do equip her with all the right safe sex knowledge though.

Original poster

fessmess · 14/05/2014 16:52

I like that Laurie, keep her busy. Mind you hw, friends and a club she goes to keep her busy. She sees him about 1-3 times a week. I'm thinking maybe just a "you're not doing it, it's illegal and that's that!". Just worried she'll go "underground."

OP posts:

Original poster

fessmess · 14/05/2014 16:56

I've always thought of her as a sensible, cautious girl who does well at school. It was always the rebels and kids who messed about at school who had underage sex when I was a teen. I understand about the contraception talk and I do get the "better they use protection than none at all" argument but only a parent of a teen dd gets this, SHE'S MY LITTLE GIRL!!!! It just feels wrong to condone it, btw she's closer to 14 than 15 by a long way.

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youmakemydreams · 14/05/2014 16:57

I was 15 when I lost my virginity. I had been with the boy for a year before that though.
I never told my mum but I know his mum knew. I'm not sure if she ever spoke to him about it but she definitely trusted us to be careful and we were. I had already been to family planning and gone on the pill.
On the other side of the coin my mother would have been horrified and would have been no practical support at all. I wish I could have gone to her the way your dd has so well done you.

At the end of the day we would have found ways around all the sanctions in fact we did. It was lucky I was mature enough to sort out proper contraception.

I think you have done all you can do really. Keep the restrictions in place while talking about contraception and how important it is because as much as you don't want them to if they are determined they will do it and making sure she is well informed about contraception and them having safe sex is better than the alternative.

youmakemydreams · 14/05/2014 17:00

And yes saying no and that's final will not stop them if they are determined to do it. Tell her how you feel and the reasons why but do please support her in sorting out some contraception. It will also be more likely to keep communication between you open and she will be more likely to come to you again.

Abby1976 · 14/05/2014 17:01

You won't stop her, no matter what you do or say. I think you may secretly know that.

14 is not all that unusual an age to lose virginity. Especially so with a sensible, mature young lady as your daughter sounds.

I think she is sounding you out to see if she can trust you and if you trust her to be safe and know her own body. My betting is she's already decided to do it or already has. Certainly she'll be discussing it with friends if she is talking to you.

She's like to do it with your blessing and without having to sneek around in unsafe places or without any privicy. But she'll do it anyway even without your blessing.

So which do you prefer? Not knowing and staying in blissful ignorance? Or not giving 'permission' exactly (wrong, given her age) but accepting that it will happen and ensuring she is equipped with info regarding contraception, safe sex and healthy relationships.

Both options are fine. Ignorance is some parent's way of coping with the idea of their children having sex. Just know that it will not stop the deed being done.

Banning her = sure fire way to guarantee it happens.

girlynut · 14/05/2014 17:02

Have you asked her why she wants to do the deed and what's the hurry? As well as telling her why it's not a great idea perhaps you could explore with her how she might feel about waiting. If she's still with him in 6 months or a year she (and you) night feel differently.

Original poster

fessmess · 14/05/2014 17:02

"Dreams" thank you for your post, you've actually made me cry. I know that everything you say is true I can only give my opinion, put rules in place to limit opportunity but they will if they want to. OMG this is breaking my heart. My first time was when I was 19 and I only just felt ready then, I don't understand why the rush.

Maybe we can convince her to take it "off the table" with the bf for a year or 6months or something.

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LaurieFairyCake · 14/05/2014 17:05

It's not about 'banning' her, but you can say 'it's illegal' as you're not mature enough. I'm sure people do about alcohol and driving.

I 'ban' my 15 year old from driving and alcohol

And I keep her mega busy so she doesn't get a lot of time with the boyfriend. He comes over here and we watch films together but they're not alone with the door closed and dd thinks she's too young anyway .

Original poster

fessmess · 14/05/2014 17:05

Weird "girlynut", talk about a cross-post!! I can't give my permission, I can't because I cannot condone it. Not condoning and forbidding it are not the only two options, I'm aiming for somewhere in the middle!

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Original poster

fessmess · 14/05/2014 17:06

Handing over condoms would just feel wrong. Like buying her a bottle of cider. BUT, the alternative?? See how awful this is...

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monkeyfacegrace · 14/05/2014 17:08

I think (and this is easy to say but hard to do), you need to relax a little.

I was 13 when I lost my virginity and to this day do not regret it. My boyfriend was a virgin too, a couple of years older. There was no pressure so it seems a similar circumstance to your dd.

You will not stop her doing it. You won't.

You can however stop her getting pregnant. My mum took me off to get the pill and bought me condoms. She also knew there was no stopping me.

Sex is just Sex. It feels good, and she is experimenting.

LaurieFairyCake · 14/05/2014 17:09

Take her to the doctor for a long contraceptive and STD chat - if she's mature enough to figure out her options with them then maybe she can convince them.

The doctor will likely put her off

Bonsoir · 14/05/2014 17:10

I think it's fine to tell your DD that she cannot take her BF to her bedroom.

Nocomet · 14/05/2014 17:12

If a teen confides in a parent who insists on open doors, she wants you to say "No", because she already knows that's your answer.

Original poster

fessmess · 14/05/2014 17:19

"Nocemet" that's interesting, hadn't thought of that.

THanks for all the comments it really is helpful. I'm now thinking about telling her "you're too young, don't even think about it for six months and then if you think you're ready I'll take you to get proper contraception." I can then explain ALL about the pill, coil, condoms etc. Put her off perhaps??

OP posts:

Hulababy · 14/05/2014 17:27

My DD is 12y and I would not be happy if she was wanting to have sex in just 2 more years time.

I know some people say they did and it was fine - but I have taught 100s of teenagers over the years and never really met any who were really old enough to deal with the consequences of sex - and that includes pregnancy, birth and bringing up a baby.

I would encourage a continuation of conversation and her talking to you. But I would point out the law, the negative consequences and also your feelings that she is too young. At the same time I would ensure that she knew that although I didn't condone their actions, if she was gong to go ahead she must be safe and take all reasonably precautions and made sure she knew that going on the pill is not enough - she must use condoms too.

I would also prevent her going into her bedroom with her boyfriend, etc. if you feel you can't trust them.

youmakemydreams · 14/05/2014 17:40

Didn't mean to make you cry sorry.
I think the danger with asking her to wait and then have the contraceptive talk is that in that time they may get the chance and just do it in the heat of the moment and they aren't careful.
I think Laurie's idea of booking a gp appointment and allowing them to have a chat with her is a good one. She may very well leave with contraception and go ahead, she may well leave with it and have decided she isn't ready but either way at least she is prepared.

I agree stop them going into bedroom, tell her why you don't want it to happen but please make sure she knows how to be safe. She has already told you she has masturbated him so they have already found the means to get privacy to do it. They may very well just do it one day believing that you can't get pregnant the first time or that it won't happen to them.

DownstairsMixUp · 14/05/2014 17:41

If they can't do it in your house and the boys parents have the same rule, do you think she's the type to be comfortable doing it anywhere? I was her age once and my parents and my boyfriend's put the same boundaries on me and I was really insecure about my body so wouldn't of dreamt of doing it anywhere else apart from our homes so that was it for me really. It fizzled out and I met someone new at 16. If she is the type to be quite happy to do it out of her comfort zone then all you can really do is tell her how you feel, maybe encourage her to go to the GP for contraception to.

Nocomet · 14/05/2014 18:26

I have two very harp, in totally different ways, teen DDs (16 &13). Both are pretty talkative, but there is always an element of needs to know in what they say. DD1 especially thinks through what she says very very carefully.

dingit · 14/05/2014 18:32

My dd is a year older than yours and been with her bf a year. We have had lots of discussions and I'm fairly certain they haven't dtd. However I have to own up to a little white lie. I told her (as I knew it would put her off) that once she had sex she would have to go for regular smear tests. The look of horror on her face said it all.

Nocomet · 14/05/2014 18:34

Sharp

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