My 14yo DD wants to have sex!

[fessmess]

Horrified doesn't cover it really. I'm reeling here. Thankfully dd and I have a good relationship and she has been openly talking to me about her relationship with her bf of three months. She's told me that she's masturbated him, and I said she was too young to do this and not being respectful to us or bf's parents to do this in our houses. Then she told me she is thinking about the full-blown deed. I've talked to her about stds, pregnancy, being emotionally ready(at LEAST 16 imo), being illegal, I could never condone this, couldn't say loud enough how bad this would be etc,etc etc.

They're not allowed in her room unless door is open and not allowed at home unless an adult is home. She goes to no-one's house without me knowing beforehand. The room/adult rule is the same in bf's house. I've told my dh, with her permission, and we don't know what to do.

I want to ban her from seeing him, lock her up and never let her out of my sight until she's 18!!

Practical advise needed please.

I can understand how you feel but I agree that you will not stop her doing it. So all you can do is make sure she doesn't put herself at any risks of pregnancy or STDs. I went to a girls school where a lot of people lost their virginity at 13 or 14. It is quite common I think.

I agree with everyone saying to help her out with protection, she must know about that anyway but it might be best to prepare her.
After all, she said to you that she is "Thinking about the full blown deed" That doesn't mean she is 100% going to do it right now, most 14 year old's think about doing it, doesn't mean they all do.
As scary as it seems and as young as she is, in reality she will do it when she wants to. I don't think there is anything you can do to put her off, or stop her, as frustrating as that must feel.
It is great that she has been so honest with you about it all though, she must find it easy to talk to you, give yourself credit for that :)
I think you have said all the right things and are doing what most parents would do too (Doors open when they are alone etc)
Keep that line of communication open with her, and she will hopefully come to you again if she needs to talk about it.

There's a fantastic web site called 'Scarleteen' for young people who are in relationships/sexually active with advice on (amongst other things) deciding if you're ready. It's very sensible and thorough. Perhaps you could ask your DD to have a look.

I was her age when I first had sex - nothing would have stopped me. If I were you, I'd be helping your DD to acquire some good long-term contraception in addition to condoms (and I have a DD her age).

Also op forgot to mention, I've worked at a few sexual health clinics and all the ones I have encountered are so good with teenagers so if she doesn't want to see the family GP, that may be an option to. Try not to worry too much, not everybody has sex at 14, above poster is a good example, nothing would of stopped her, yet me at 14, I'd never have done it outside of mine or my boyfriend's home as it seemed a bit gross to me, I wanted to be comfortable and safe and I think there are some savvy teens out there! Good luck!

I lost my virginity at 14 and in a way I hate who it was with but it helped me find my own sexuality. Not saying it's a good thing at all, it just was fine for me. Looking back, 14 is way too young.

Oh and also! If she's already masturbated him of course she will be curious. If she's had her periods, she'll be getting that urge. I know I did when I was even younger than that! All kids do, it's a natural part of growing up. Kids just need to fight that urge!
(and stay a virgin until 16!!!)

Blimey. My mum went insane when she found out and I was 18. I mean insane - she made me feel really grubby stupid cow.

I kind of admire the relationship you have with your DD. But can't imagine it.

I think 14 is too young, but as others have said, unless they're under lock and key, actually stopping them is very difficult. I just wish children didn't have such pressure to find out all about sex.

I lost my virginity at 15 and completely regret it. I thought I was so mature and sorted out going on the pill/condoms etc. In reality I was a daft little girl in way too much of a rush to grow up.

I would tell her that if she decides to go ahead with a sexual relationship that you will be incredibly disappointed. I agree with taking her to the gp too-perhaps they may be able to advise her as to why waiting may be better.

I would not be happy at all for my dd to have sex at 14 and really don't understand all these posters condoning it.

Thanks guys, you really have been very helpful and thought provoking. I spoke to her last night and stated she was too young and to not even think about it until next year. She looked relieved tbh and then agreed to ask bf to not even ask her until then. If she's still up for it then I'll take her to docs to discuss contraception options. We're giving her a treat this weekend to acknowledge that she did the right thing talking to me.

What breaks my heart, as others have said, is "why the rush?" At 14 boys couldn't have been further from my mind. At that age I was into Guides, swimming and roller-skating.

This is so tough. !4/15 year olds think they are so mature! TBH many 16/17 years olds are very young too.

Firstly, I think you are incredibly lucky to have such a candid relationship with her. Many parents wouldn't get to know that this was even a possibility.

I don't know how I would feel. I heard of many girls of her age who are sexually active and it always sounds in awful circumstances - drunk, in a park, etc, where you are never sure whether they intended to or not - whereas, your daughter sounds like she's made a thoughtful and measured decision.

I think my tack would be to try to delay it. I like the smear test advice!

Also, she needs to be 100% she can trust him and that, in spite of supposed equality between the sexes, teenagers are very nasty towards girls seen as promiscuous and they love a grubby sex story. Girls always seem to come out of it worse off. Even though this is totally unfair, it can be quite traumatic trying to defend a reputation at school. She needs to be certain it is a private thing between him and her, and this includes bragging on both sides to friends. If she is openly chatting to you, she is possibly open with friends and that would be concerning if she does go ahead. You don't want this affecting her at school.

But I really wouldn't want to discourage your openness with her and you don't want her going behind your back simply because if things don't work out with this boy and she is open with you, you can keep tabs on the aftermath.

I really feel for you, but at least you know. So many parents don't and can't protect their DCs until dealing with something going wrong (prime things like putting pictures of themselves online, rumours getting out around school and the bullying that follows, STI, pregnancy).

Well I'll be honest, boys were thoroughly ON my mind at 14. But in a "I've got a terrible crush on Nick from form four C and I blush like mad when I see him yet constantly engineer the situation" type way. Actual sex? No way.

X post - sounds like a good outcome then!

That sounds like a great outcome OP. BTW, I am not condoning having sex at 14 and agree it is better to hold off, however, I firmly believe in being practical and realistic.

That sounds like a very satisfactory talk.

Looks like you have everything sorted.

I was going to suggest having a talk with the bf also, either with or without dd present and explain the rules to him and why you think they should both wait.

My bf (now DH) and I wanted to have sex; my first time. But my parents sat us down, discussed rules and contraception, and that we should wait as I was underage (I was 15 & DH 21). We waited until I was 16 and we did it in the comfort of my bedroom with my parents blessing and protection... but then got pregnant at 17

DH told me that my dad took him aside for conversation and he said that he appreciated that my dad trusted him :)