My 13 year old daughter is too shy and introverted.

[Sobanoodledoodle]

I am worried about my 13 year old daughter, she is a lovely girl, she is clever, artistic and musical but she is also very shy and introverted.

She was always shy but when she was younger she did have a friends she played with. In recent years she seems to have retreated from her peers and prefers to read, draw or play music on her own. She is creative and sensitive and while I admire those qualities in her I worry that she will not develop all the skills she needs to succeed in life.

My husband gets very frustrated with her. He was a professional sportsman when he was younger and he is by nature competitive and achievement driven. He forced her to take up a sport so she swims and she enjoys it but again it is something she does alone. He was furious when a couple of years ago she became vegetarian but he has accepted it now.

We have 2 older boys 15 and 18, they don't ignore her but they are busy with their own lives sport, school and their friends. My 15 year old son does have a friend who takes an interest in my daughter, he is arty and often he will stop to talk to her and they swap music and books. Again my husband doesn't approve of his interest in her although I don't think its serious. She is a beautiful girl and well developed for her age but she seems embarrassed and covers up in baggy clothes most of the time.

We discovered a while ago that she was downloading films from the internet, when they turned out to be arthouse films and the like we got her a lovefilm membership instead which she loves.

I think I accept how she is a bit better than my husband, she isn't a goth or emo type just introverted but my husband tries to drag her out her shell. He adores her, he really does probably more so than the boys though I shouldn't say that but his love makes him hard on her where he sees the potential for her to be hurt.

I see other girls her age all out together, having fun, dressed up and I get upset when I think of my girl all on her own. She is already missing out on so much.

Is there anything I can or should do to help her?

She's not missing out on anything, she wants to be the way she wants to be.

You all need to meet her where she is - watch films with her, be interested in what she is

She sounds lovely, there is nothing wrong with being introverted (lots of books out about that recently). If she is happy then this is just how she is.

Is my husband being too hard on her? Its difficult the are so alike and yet so different, she is surely the apple of his eye but he pushes her too much. I can't see my husband sitting watching old french films with her!

Urgh. I'm an introvert and my interests are still very similar to your DD, if I'm anything to go by trying to drag her out of her shell is guaranteed to drive her further into it.

I found/still find parties and big groups exhausting and irritating, so if you want to get her out and about you could suggest trips to the library, art galleries, evening classes, places where she won't be expected to interact with lots of people at once, but where people are.

You mention that she dresses in baggy clothes, that might well be a self esteem issue. I loathed people paying attention to my body (big boobs) but I also think it was also partly my introversion, I prefer to decide when I'm ready for attention.

If it's any consolation I successfully held down a job managing a factory floor, then in training and recruitment. I've now downsized or whatever the right term might be and work at a school supervising the playground (same skill set shorter target group), I've been with my DH for 21 years and had plenty of boyfriends I just tended to come across them in quieter places than night clubs. Basically I'm happy and live a useful and fulfilling life as an introvert.

By all means keep an eye on her, it's probably exactly as you say, but I understand why you don't want it to go to far, just don't let anyone try and force her to be something she's not.

Yes your husband is being too hard on her. He needs to try and understand her, not try to remake her in his image.

Why won't he watch films with her? and if that is the case why should she do things he wants her to do?

If your husband is not careful he will damage his relationship with her and damage her self-esteem. (Speaking from experience here as an introvert vegetarian with a sporty mother.)

Is she happy? Does she feel like she is missing out?

If she is a bit lonely, then can you find some activity where she might meet like-minded arty types? Not swimming or some other activity that your DH would enjoy, something she would enjoy?

I was a shy and introverted 13 year old, and I do think your DH's being too hard on her. I remember my own DF trying to make get involved in more activities and push myself forward more at that age and I remember feeling very resentful that he couldn't accept me for who I was. It meant a really tricky few years in my relationship with him when growing up, as although I didn't shout and argue with him (totally reflecting my quiet personality) I did withdraw from him.

Let your daughter be who she wants to be. FWIW I am still very happy in my own company, but have built a successful career where I am frequently praised for my people skills! Your daughter sounds lovely and I sure she will be successful in whatever she wants to do as she grows up.

Your DD sounds lovely. I'm an introvert, who was also an extremely shy child. I'm now in my mid-30s and my colleagues are amazed when I explain I'm an off the scale introvert! They see me as outgoing and confident. I learnt to not act shy.

Believe it or not, introversion doesn't mean we lack social skills and are destined to a life of being a loser. It means we don't get our energy from other people - I can party with the best of them, but I can only recharge my batteries and get my head together by being on my own.

Please stop 'forcing' her to do things, let her find her own way, and just talk to her! She's probably a brilliant listener - I often notice with extroverts, they just don't listen, it's a valuable and underrated skill IMO. If everyone was an extrovert just think how noisy the world would be. You need us introverts to balance it out, appreciate the dynamic she does bring to your family

She is who she is; not who her dad (and maybe secretly you too?) would like her to be.

None of us can live our lives precariously through our children.
Leave her be - listen, really listen to her and be supportive of her interests. This will give her the best chance of a happy life.

Sport is great and healthy, but I can entirely see how swimming suits her as it is an individual pursuit and I understand that a team sport may well be excruciating for an introverted person.

She sounds like a very interesting and multi-facetted person and that should be fostered, not squashed just because she seems to have been made from a different mould than her brothers.

She sounds lovely. She is who she is and what she is. Accept her for that or destroy her self esteem. My mother did that to me and I was like your daughter. That's why I'm a recovered anorexic.

My dd is just like yours (just like I was except a bit more introverted and a bit more quirky - and certainly not sporty). We have done our best to love her for who she is: quirks, introversion, being an island and actually being very independent and herself. She's almost 16 now and is just coming into her own in her own quiet way. Never part of the herd, never in the middle of what ever's going on but also never at the heart of a row and her last report noted how respected she was by the entire school community.

LET YOUR DAUGHTER BE HERSELF AND CHERISH HER FOR WHO SHE IS AND NOT WHO YOU WANT HER TO BE.

Apologies for shouting - come talk to me on stately homes and please don't let your dd end up on there.

Another one to recommend Quiet by Susan Cain. It spoke to me clearly and I understand myself a whole better now. I would say you, your husband and your daughter would benefit from reading it.

Your husband may well love her, but he also seems to be trying to mould her into something she isn't which is a bit at odds with the idea of unconditional parental love.

She's allowed to be introverted and have her own interests. She's also allowed to dress how she wants regardless of how you or he think she should. Actually, as an aside, I particularly detest that aspect of parenting girls, the emphasis on the aesthetic. It's hugely controlling and gives a very poor message about the relative value of appearances.

Nothing at all wrong with being an introvert. Introverts can deal with other people and be sociable; but we need our own space and time in order to reach any kind of personal equilibrium. It is particularly hard being an introvert at 13 because teenage culture is all about the Group.

She sounds like a lovely girl and possibly more mature and complex than many others, which may make it harder for her to enjoy the generally rather mindless and conformist approach likely to be taken by some of her contemporaries. She will come into her own in time when she meets like-minded people with whom she really has something in common.

I'm not sure how swimming helps with anything: it's a very inwardly focussed sport. If your husband wants her to mix more mightn't it be better to encourage her to do something with a little more social interaction?

Introverts aren't necessarily happy to have less friends. Yes they do gain their energy from being alone but I and my daughter both sometimes feel a little sad that we don't have the scial circle others have.

Society values introversion more. It's hard to be an introvert.

She sounds very similar to my dd who is 14. She is shy, introverted and is really struggling with making friends. She is intelligent and highly artistic, somewhat musical, though this is not the main focus in her life. She also reads a lot. She even has older brothers of a similar age to yours. The only difference, though maybe it is not a difference? is that my dd is not really all that happy and I know she longs for at least one really meaningful friendship.

With regard to your dh, I can only tell you what my dh does. Although he is quite sporty himself, my dd is not sporty at all and so he has realised pushing her in that direction is not helpful. Instead, he focuses on my dd's interests: he buys her lots of expensive art equipment so she can pursue her main interest, he has sat down with her and together they have learnt to paint with watercolours, he has bought her dvds of anime films as this is another of her interests. When she expressed an interest a few years ago in growing flowers, he dug her her own little flower bed and took her to the garden centre to buy seeds. I think your dh has to start thinking more along the lines of what interests your dd and accepting her interests and personality for what it is, rather than pushing her to do the things and be the person he maybe envisaged before she was even born.

Soba -ask yourself and your dh how you'd like someone trying to force you to be something you're not.

Your description sounds so much like my daughter (13), she loves films, playing music and reading and is very much in her own world - lay on the lawn all evening reading Eragon with her bow and arrow that she had made! She does have a few friends but often chooses to be on her own. I have worried about her so much over the last year but am slowly getting my head around the fact that she is introverted but not unhappy or lonely, which is hard to do when I am the absolute opposite.

My DH (SF to DD) struggles to understand her and I worry that they are drifting apart. I really encourage him to show more interest in what she enjoys but half the time he just can't relate to it. It's a hard transition from parenting a child to dealing with teenagers. Throwing introversion into the minefield of general teenage highs and lows does make it more complicated if it's out of sync with the rest of the family.

Whether introvert or extrovert I think all teens need their parents to show interest in their hobbies/interests. Best to celebrate our quirky, creative introverts!

Sounds like you all have difficulty accepting who she is which is a shame her dad needs to realise she is never going to be like her brothers let her develop at her own speed she will be fine

Makes me shudder & fume, reading OP. I'm fairly introverted & my parents were social butterflies. They gave firm messages that I was inadequate & antisocial (their word of choice) for not being like them. When I was about 20 my dad came home from some personality workshop and exclaimed "You're an introvert! I understand you now!" but damage had been done.

They were very upset that I didn't start bringing home boyfriends as soon as I was 16. If your girl did respond (like many extroverted girls would, with flirting and loud cheekiness) to the attentions of the boy who swapped books I presume your DH would be horrified, too. Your poor DD really can't win, can she?

But thank goodness she's not EMO or Goth, eh? Now that really would be horrific, I suppose.

ps: NO ONE has all the skills they need in life -- ever. We all develop as we go along & life is an endless learning experience.

Is she happy?

That's the beginning and end of it for me.

I am sure your DH is worried but he needs to accept her

MY DS1 is introverted and mostly happy, although he finds other people a bit irksome. Extroverted ones mainly, I think.

extraverted

Actually - I think you are worried, I think your DH is narrow-minded. I think maybe he could do with thinking about what he is hiding with all his competitiveness and achievement. Maybe deep down he has less self-esteem than she does?

Just a thought