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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Please someone tell me when teenage girls stop being so awful and horrible...

58 replies

JessePinkmansHoody · 08/05/2014 19:48

I realise not all of them are. But my 15 year old daughter is, whenever she chooses, and hang the consequences. And I dance around trying to please her so she gets what she wants and the rest of the family don't get involved..

I never dreamed I'd be such a shitty useless excuse for a mother..

OP posts:
liveoutloud · 16/05/2014 18:10

I mant to say "but became very distant"...

AnyFucker · 16/05/2014 18:21

My teenage dd (now 18) has, from about the age of 15, had the power to reduce me to tears, a quivering wreck, behaving in idiotic ways no one would ever believe of me, make far too many allowances etc etc etc

There are better spells these days but we have justhad another major wobble when I was just starting to think we were out the other side

I do think 15 was the worst she of all though (so far)

AnyFucker · 16/05/2014 18:23

Age Smile

Original poster
JessePinkmansHoody · 16/05/2014 23:03

Liveoutloud my sympathies.. It's so hard to know sometimes what's "normal teenage stuff" and what isn't.. What should be ignored and what shouldn't...

Anyfucker snap, I wouldn't/don't let anyone else treat me the way she does. I honestly believe she doesn't stop to consider my feelings because if she did she surely wouldn't do it. It's as if, as "mum", I have none. She's been really unpleasant to me the last couple of days which unfortunately hasn't involved anyone else but a lot of my stress is about KEEPING it from involving others. Last night she said to me she "can't believe" we're "so poor" (because I couldn't instantly order the dance shirts she wants) and that she can't believe I'm not putting money away for her future and her driving lessons "like all her friends parents are doing". Blush I have a hard enough time keeping up needs and wants in the here and now never mind the future!

I am v ashamed to type this but she is starting to make me feel anxious/afraid (of her?) because I never know what her moods are going to entail.. I am starting to feel the beginnings of anxiety attacks at random moments (not had these for years). When she goes somewhere overnight (like to her dad's tonight.. Although this was so hastily arranged I dread to think what take of woe she's telling him) I breathe a sigh of relief! I don't want to feel like this.

I too miss my baby girl

OP posts:
Original poster
JessePinkmansHoody · 17/05/2014 00:19

*fortunately

OP posts:
mumeeee · 17/05/2014 14:23

I have. just spent 2 pleasant days with DD2 who is now 24. She didn't actuallystart the teenaager angst until she was almost 15. The worst year was between 18 and 19, Then she went to university and actually missed us. She started getting a lot more pleasant when we spoke to her. She has now matured into a sensible young lady.

MewlingQuim · 17/05/2014 14:45

Um, when they leave home?

I was an awful teenager but then my mum was really controlling and wanted me to stay a child forever. She still tries to mother me and it still pisses me off. She thinks she is being nice and caring but she ignores my feelings completely. I am a grown woman and I would like to to treated as one. Our relationship has not changed since I was 12 years old

I am 40+ now btw, I left home at 16.

MewlingQuim · 17/05/2014 15:00

Interestingly I also have a SN sibling.

My mum ignored me for most of my childhood because he was her main concern. She only started paying attention to me when he needed less of her time, I was a teen by then and all she did was criticise my behaviour. I couldn't help wondering what business it was of hers when she couldn't have cared less what I did before.

MewlingQuim · 17/05/2014 15:05

Sorry for offloading. Can you tell I'm still bitter Grin

I hope you work things out with your daughter, please don't be like my mum.

Original poster
JessePinkmansHoody · 17/05/2014 17:50

Mewling I v much hope my daughter does not perceive me that way but when one child's needs demand the lions share of your attention and there IS no alternative, as a parent in this position you can only do the best you can. We used to get respite (minimal) and that I devoted to DD. Her childhood was not what it would have been had DS2 not been born but he was born and I had to fight tooth and nail for every bit of support we got. He is now in residential school not least because DD's happiness and safety was my utmost priority too.. But all the while I was getting bruised, battered and sleep deprived 24/7 I'm sure I WAS a sub-standard mother to DD. I carry the guilt for that and , no doubt,receiving my punishment. But I still don't know how I could have done anything differently...

OP posts:
liveoutloud · 17/05/2014 19:42

We all carry those feelings of guilt for doing this or not doing that. It is so sad, we spend so much time and energy thinking about improving our kids life, and we do not do anything for ourselves. The person we neglect the most is us. I have no life, nor do I have time or energy to think about it, but still think I am not as good a mother as I could be.

mathanxiety · 17/05/2014 23:02

Stop feeling guilty.
You did the best you could and nobody has a right to demand anything more of you.

MewlingQuim · 18/05/2014 08:00

jesse I'm sure you did the best you could, as did my mum. My mothers problem was that she was so used to doing everything for my brother that she then tried to do everything for me too. But although you may think that making her sandwiches, tidying her room etc. is doing her a favour and she should be grateful, you may find that you are just giving her the impression that you don't think she is capable of looking after herself.

BTW, my other brother (not sn one) is still at home. Mum still makes his sandwiches, still buys his clothes, still tidys his room, and still complains how ungrateful he is. He is now 42.

She does not know how to stop thinking of us as her children that need looking after. Even my sn brother had enough and left to get some independence!

Stop doing everthing for your dd. She will respect you more.

MissScatterbrain · 22/05/2014 10:24

I find that the more tasks and responsibilities my DD takes on (eg making lunch, baking a cake, cleaning her room, feeding/walking pets etc), the better our relationship is because her self esteem gets a boost from being independent.

She can still be rude, selfish and nasty and when she goes too far, I simply refuse to do stuff for her e,g give her lifts.

mathanxiety · 22/05/2014 16:08

I am a great believer in making teens contribute to the running of the home, MissScatterbrain. They feel a lot better about themselves when they gain competence and it knocks a lot of sharp edges off them. It also gives them the message in a subtle way that they answer to you when they earn a compliment from you by getting their chores done right or cooking a decent dinner (and cleaning up afterwards because any fool can cook but it takes effort and organisational skills to clean up properly afterwards).

MissScatterbrain · 22/05/2014 17:05

That's true Mathanixety.

My DC hate being babied and get cross if I try and "look after" them. They prefer to see themselves as independent and competent (and I agree with your point re cleaning up after baking!).

Facefacts · 23/05/2014 11:45

I also feel like this is something I could have written, together with most of the comments on here. The problem is knowing how to behave consistently towards her. When she is nice I end up agreeing to something only for her to later be nasty and I end up feeling used, as if she only being nice until she gets her own way and them the gloves are off. I end up feeling that trying to be in any way reasonable and pleasant is not only a waste of time but counterproductive. It hurts that she can be like this.

b3rn13 · 01/11/2016 19:55

right, my 13-year-old daughter (T) has been reading over my shoulder, and she'd like to say a few words...

it's not a teenage girl's fault for how 'horrible' and 'awful' or however she's acting. you were all once teenage girls, with the same emotions, same problems, same issues. you all had hormones and such. you probably still do. so you can't be hating on a girl for the way she's acting. yes, girls can be spiteful and rude. we can be annoying and cause stress. but you know, deep down, ITS NOT OUR FAULT!!! leave us alone!! how the hell can you blame us for being horrible and all that if you're invading our personal space and not listening when we say we need space or something!!

okay, rant over! just leave us alone. Angry(T)

sorry, she

wanderings · 05/11/2016 20:21

I remember hating being "babied", especially if it was done in a particular pitying voice. I may have once trotted out the line "I never asked to be born" Blush ; but in a way, it's another reason why it's not the teen's fault. My parents worked out that getting through to me involved treating me as an adult, and sometimes getting other family members to give me important advice (because I often wouldn't hear it from my mum).

cdtaylornats · 05/11/2016 22:23

Basing it on my sister 35

poppym12 · 06/11/2016 10:04

It's not just girls Sad. I have always been pretty laid back but these days, I'm anxious and depressed. My teen (17) is alien to me and he's so bloody secretive and shifty, I feel like I've failed him. He seems to be fucking up his life and I'm worried about him.

Kinraddie · 08/11/2016 18:51

It's hard going with teenagers isn't it? My 15 yr old daughter has been pretty good up until this year. She's made some new friends at school, one or two that I don't particularly like and have heard not nice things about them. I don't think she's being 100% truthful about things. She says she's going one place and then I hear she's been seen somewhere else. She was told she couldn't wear her friends top (essentially a bra) out for a birthday lunch but have seen photos on FB with her wearing said top. Etc etc. I think she's essentially a good girl and I'm trying not to sweat the small stuff, but I feel these things are important.
And my 16 yr old son is so laidback he's horizontal. Has done well at school so far but he can't afford to coast along this year. Feel as if I'm constantly nagging.

IAmAmy · 10/11/2016 23:05

b3rn13 well said your daughter. I'm 16 and neither I nor any of my friends (or girls from my year at school whether friends or not) are "awful" or "horrible". Supportive, kind, ambitious, loving and inspiring is what the girls I live my life surrounded by are. I am enraged about how often girls are labelled "horrible", it's symptomatic of the endemic misogyny in society where girls are judged, derided and demeaned wherever possible. With the objectification and sexism we put up with constantly it's very disheartening. I also note teenage boys are never criticised even with all the misogyny they direct at us.

cloudchasing · 10/11/2016 23:28

I have one very similar, and she's just turned 19. She has upset me so much over the last couple of years, but up until then, she was a different person.

She's moved out now (well, I asked her to leave) and we might just get our relationship back.

And to the teenage girls posting - whilst I appreciate your input, I hear enough of that at home tbh! Wink

cloudchasing · 10/11/2016 23:29

Amy if you read the thread, several posters have had issues with their sons.