HELP! What do I do?

[Caz66]

I am a rational person or at least I thought I was. My DS is making my life a living hell and for that matter the lives of all of those around him. He is 19 and 'Living for the Weekend' which of course is relatively fine other than he is stealing from us to do this living. We are not talking small amounts either ?2,500, ?940 etc and we cant afford it!
I think this started when my dad died very suddenly when DS was 14. He lost his world. He was to work with Grandad in the family business and his career path was all mapped out so I guess he was very confused. He 'nursed' my very needy mother emotionally through her grief as I have the big shoulders and had to close the company and deal with all the financial stuff. Time passed.
By the time he was 16/17 he was spending a lot of time on the internet and despite having ambition to go to University and all sorts, started to spend 24 / 7 on the internet and disappearing at the weekend.
After some time we cut the internet access and the problems e.g swearing at me,lethargy, cooking at 3am leaving the cooker on, the bedroom becoming a no-go zone for fear of picking up some nasty disease etc etc worsened. I kept saying 'normal for a boy his age' but it became harder to convince myself each time something else happened.
He was given a car by DH and I paid ?1500 for driving lessons - he decided he didnt want to learn to drive and took the car on a drive without his licence. He was caught napping on the hard shoulder and only received a Caution. He later took the car again and wrote it off!
We had a quiet car period of about 8 months to-date and now with the money he has BOUGHT HIMSELF AN OLD BANGER!!! Still no Licence and parking round the corner so we cant see it ... but the Log Book was left on full view and with a bit of detective work, we find the car.
We also discover DRUGS, DRINK and various girls emerging from his room on different occasions - no permission is sought to doing anything because of course it is DS given right to do just about whatever he wants to!!!!
This is obviously not all that has happened and not in a true chronological order but it highlights some of the difficulties.
We did the 'talking'and praising when we saw improvement only to feel like we had been kicked in the teeth each time he let us down again.
The only other relevancies to my story are that I am a Disabled mum, who raised her son alone until I married 5 years ago. |I have trained as a Lawyer and run a successful Conveyancing Company.
My DH and DS get on (or got on) fine until my son became so verbally abusive to me and let my DH down for the hundredth time!
As I see it DS has a big chip on the shoulder that he does not know his real dad and that his 'substitute father figure' Grandad was ripped away from him so cruelly. I of course am to blame for everything and I should be punished.
I have discussed my dilemma with a number of people and read the many messages on mums.net under the heading Teenagers and all have helped.
I set the ultimatum down with DS on Sunday night when he rolled in after not being home since Thursday. I said that it was time he started making his own choices and taking responsibility for his life, as I saw it and that as I had discovered another ?2,400 out of my bank - despite (we thought) having locked all temptation in a safe which we had to purchase to prevent him touching our stuff!
The Ultimatum ws thus... he was to see a counsellor in the hope that he could exorcise the 'grandad - anger and hurt' and a guy who I know who is ex-police if he wanted to stay with us. I explained that he was a nats away from being in serious trouble with the Law and was lucky he hadnt been caught to date.
I gave him till Thursday (tomorrow) to think about it telling him that the choices were his and that if he wanted to be with his very important 'mates' then he could do so.
We were lulled into a false sense of well being yesterday when he said he had a hospital check up on Thursday in the afternoon and was staying at a mates for a couple of days but would be back Thursday.
I told him the time he needed to attend the counsellor and the time the ex-police guy was coming and DH dropped him off at a Pub where he was to meet his mate.
About 1-2 hours later I received a text saying plans had changed he was staying with another mate - I text back and thanked him for letting me know. All good signs hey.
Until 3.30 today when I received a call from my bank asking me if I had given a Cheque for ?940 to DS. I hadnt. So everything we had discussed meant nothing.
I am again devastated and just dont know whether to cancel the counsellor and the police guy tomorrow or what to do. I cant keep doing this .... he cant keep blaming me surely.
I am so sorry for the length of my posting. I guess I need you to have as much info as possible because it is all so awful and difficult to comment on with few facts .
All Opinions gladly welcome ... it is so so hard to deal with.... PLEASE HELP or at least tell me I am not totally crazy!!!!! Over to you guys!

Oh my, what a dreadful situation. I am sorry you haven't received any replies so far and can only imagine that people, on reading your post, feel at a bit of a loss what to say. I know I do. I am totally unqualified to offer any advice and with only two small children, can not begin to imagine the horror of what you are going through.

I really, sincerely hope that he will be back tomorrow to discuss things with you and the other people you have involved. I think that you should not cancel them and trust in him one last time to come back. If he does come back, I feel that is a really positive move on his part and would lead me to think he really does want to get help. This could be the beginning of a very long road to rebuild your relationship and your trust.

If he doesn't come back then you have to make a really tough decision. Do you continue to let him behave in the same way towards you? Do you throw him out? Do you report the cheque theft to the police?

I am sure you have been through this a million times in your head. My only words of comfort are that I know at least two families where teenage years were fraught with difficulty, law breaking, drugs, stealing cars etc. etc. Police were involved in one case and not in the other. The teenagers involved are now responsible adults looking back on their wayward ways with horror and all the families have a good relationship now. I really really wish the same for you and your ds.

Please keep posting if you feel you can. Good luck and I will be thinking of you tomorrow.

i was going to say i was a teen not long ago (am 23) so should be able to help but i got to the money bit and i cant.
sorry. x
im sure others will tho.

Caz, how does he keep stealing such large amounts of money? Get rid of your cheque book for starters. My friend has been going through something very similar with her son, he went to live with the girlfriend but coming home with washing and for fry ups that he helped himself to at all hours. Girlfriends Mum got fed up with him and chucked him out so he is home.

Have you considered asking him to leave? Do you think finding out about real life living would help him? Or he would end up in a bad way?

I am so sorry to hear you are suffering like this.

SHR.. we didnt consider the chq books unfortunately. We had already been through the credit cards, cash etc so didnt think... what makes it worse is that mine is a new business so we have yet to get a business account (we being me and my business partner Bex) so he has not only stolen from us this time but her as well ... it is very embarassing

AGS. Thank you for your kind words

I really have to ring the locksmith now but he is my baby at the end of the day .. it is so bloody hard. I know what I gotta do and I will but you try and rationale that in your head ... its impossible... I am so numb but at the same time so raw if that makes sense

Caz, thinking of you today and wondering how or if it all went. I really hope you are ok.

Caz66, instead of the locksmith, could you not just take away his keys? I don't know what to suggest really it must be so hard for you. Do you know what he is doing with the money he steals? Is there anything he would really like to do that you could say you'd pay for if he sorts himself out ? Maybe a holiday next year or something.

Is he working during the day?

Caz, you are probably not going to want to hear what I say, but as a magistrate and Youth Court magistrate I have seen this before: your son is spoilt, to the point where he has zero respect for you and your partner, and no, he is not magically going to reach an age where he learns respect. That will only happen when he learns respect for other's property, the rule of law (including motoring laws) and self respect. He is a thief, and you should report the theft without hesitation IMO. If you do not teach him to face up to what he is doing then something much bigger will. I am REALLY sorry to sound so harsh, but I have seen this pattern so often

i cant tell from your post if he is actually working.

he is 19 - and your treating him like he is 15.

my line would be

you get working in tescos starting monday and bring some money in or you are out on your arse.

and true to my word he would

i agree with the post below.

you shouldnt have to hide your financial stuff.

if my son bought a car with no licence - therefore no insurance i would ring the police myself.

he is a fucking liability and could kill one of MY children. its your duty as a human being to stop it - RIGHT NOW

councelling my soft hairy arse. i swear to god - councelling. jesus if it wernt so tragic it would be funny.

he needs to learn what working for aliving is.

really all this teenage angst shit dosnt wash at 19

nineteeeen. nineteeeen.

fuck me - i had a child at that age, ran my own house had a mortgage had a job.

nineteen.

get him down tesco imediatley and make him work.

get a locksmith in and put a lock on all rooms except the kithen, his room and bathroom.

then do a rota - he cleans kitchen one day, cooks one day cleans the toilet one day etc etc.

it is your responsability as a parent to bring into this world a contributing sociable member of society.

you have brought in a spoiled shit - you are protecting becuase someone died and he didnt know his own dad

excuses
excuses

if my son spoke to me like shit i would lock the front door.
he doesnt have his own key
my house
my rules or fuck off - and my son is working - he knows he is on a good thing. £40 per week for everything. he told me straight he has no intention of moving out becuase he cant afford anywhere.

.................is it monday?

fuck it will stay in bed til 3, get up at 3 steal 20 quid go out get some weed stay out til 12am repeat all week until friday nick 100 get totally wasted. fuck some tart in a short dress - whilst my mum is in the other room (WTF??!!!!!) get up ask if she made something to eat this screwing and drinkin made me hungry, stupid bitch not cooked anything am off - first nick £20 for bacon buttie shop and repeat.

excellent - i want his life

AGS... THANKYOU. Yesterday was hard. I spent the morning at the bank, lunchtime with a client who is a Detective Inspector and the rest of the day sobbing uncontrollably (didnt get much work done unfortunately)

DS didnt come home. I cancelled the counsellor and Cancelled the guy in the evening but i did that because of the call from the bank on Tuesday.I didnt expect him home in all truthfullness.

I called the bank first thing and cancelled the cheque books and looked into why hed been able to access my account. The bank printed off all the chques I didnt recognise and there was £5285 from my other account in cheques written to him. The signatures werent even similar so if I reported him and gave them a Crime Number they will reimburse us. Thats one thing i suppose!

The meeting with the DI was my best move because after we talked she has (for me) agreed to take him on. I dont mean the soft approach. She is going to arrest him - not 'youve been a naughty boy come along here now' - she and her colleagues are going to raid my house early one morning whilst he is asleep and arrest him - Theft and Deception being one of the charges.(if of course he comes home now...he may not be back but we think he will -life is cushty at home as you know!!! She will then frighten the crap out of him and the rules will be laid down and the necessary help will be made to be taken not left to him to decide to get help.

He hadnt taken the car since Tuesday so that was one thing I suppose. However he arrived in at 9.15. He went straight to the bedroom and i challenged him. I got the usual abuse and he said fuck off get out Im going. I said fine Where are you going he said not your business! However, he didnt pack - the only thing he picked up was his tent. Hes obviously off to Cremefields in Cheshire this weekend (a big rave festival) So he slammed out of the house and got into a car which someone else was driving and off they went.

DH and myself jumped in the car 5 minutes later and went to where the car was parked and yes it was gone. We came back called the police and reported it. So by the time he hit the M25 he should have been sorted. Step one sorted. It was better for the police to stop him whilst driving than just finding the car - they dont have the resourses to put someone round the corner watching for him to get in it so by calling them once he was driving would have more effect.

My DI friend is back on Tuesday which is when I expect him back if he comes back. Soon as he appears I will call her and they will act.

The only reason I can deal with this, this way is because my conversation with her was so helpful. She came back to the house and read the letters he had written to me and looked at the places he was going (posters and pictures on the wall) and said 'this is one very angry confused boy' In her opinion he could be involved in something bigger than he can cope with and we need to establish what that might be.

So in my role as 'mum' I can deal with that. I stopped the car cos I dont want anyone hurt (him or anyone elses kids) I can deal with the nastiness of dealing with the police cos I am doing the right thing to help him... if I dont do this i may as well shoot him or jack him up with heroin or something myself cos its the same thing.

He must take responsibility but to do so he must exorcise that 20% of Grandad - Dad - Lifes a bitch and owes me a living. Once those have been dealt with he may then say 'mum aint so bad after all' and yes it will probably take years.

No mum wants to do this but as I said in my first posting. I am a very rational person. I am disabled and I am a Lawyer. For me life is so hard just to be able to move and pain free would be nice for 10 minutes! Let alone taking so many drugs so you dont have to think about your 'hard life and your nasty mum'. So yes my decision whilst difficult was easy. I would not have not done something because under this shite individual that exists right now is actually quite a decent individual- I used to have the police knocking my door down telling me my son had been on the phone reporting a crime and he was thanked for doing so on more than one occasion.

I am not trying to make excuses for him I stopped that a long time ago so none of the harsh words (Callmemadam and CrustyX) are not what I believe in any event. I KNEW what I had to do its just that at the 'end of the day' as they say 'HE IS MY BOY AND HE WILL ALWAYS BE MY BOY'and I want that person back. Does that make sense ... Yes its my problem to deal with and I feel that to the best of my sanity I have dealt with it the best i can.

Sally: Thanks for your posting. I guess I said most of what i feel in the monster posting but I would just like to add that these situations are not black and white and its the grey bit in the middle thats hard to deal with. We all know what we should do and if this were someone else going through this, you can bet your bottom dollar I would sort it for them cos thats what I am good at. Its just not easy when the beautiful baby you gave birth to turns into a monster and blames you..

Still maybe by taking the line I have I may get that person back one day... we have to live in hope. Thanks again

Crusty: You are a bigger person than me if you can be so hard so easily. I agree with what you say but hope you are never tested. I am one of the most opinionated people you will ever meet, and what you have written would be my spoken opinion about the situation if I read it (I dont agree with Counselling think its a crutch and a waste of time) but felt it would be a tiny chance that if he spoke about his feelings to someone and he could grieve Grandad that it was worth a go.

The police will make him see a counsellor if not the police then the probation services. But he will be made to address 'life' and once on that road who knows the DS I love dearly may (or may not) return.

Thank you for your words.

Callmemadam: You more than anyone may well appreciate the additional difficulty I have been having - that of my job. Its hard to be a Lawyer with a son who is doing what mine is. Add on my illness and life is not easy.

Thank you for your posting. I am hoping light will start to emerge at the end of the tunnel though I believe the tunnel is very long and i have a few more corners to turn first.

caz please will you mail me?
[email protected]
Bit hard for me to read all the posts at the minute and to reply.
Will try to read it all later. I have a 15 year old. Lost my dad 4 years ago etc...

i am hard - and crusty i have a son nearly 17. i have been tested. i hope things get better for you

Well done Caz, think you are moving forward. I agree with the sentiments of others about removing the items in his room to sell as he owes you so much money. I am so sorry to hear he has stolen so much money and hope you get it back in the future when he sorts himself out.

Is he working during the day?

Caz.. You are going through what my BF went through with her son from him being 15. Hers ended up in young offenders institute, which did scare him into behaving for about 2 weeks after he came out, then it was back to the stealing, drinking, drug taking etc. He flew into violent rages and tried to kill her with a kitchen knife on one occasion. She is not a well person either, suffering from unstable diabetes, high blood pressure plus other things.

This son is now 26 and still behaving like the world owes him something. He even screams right in my friend's face 'i'm like this coz you have been such a f*ing bad mother'.

She had 18 months of peace recently when he got put in prison. Even he was a happier person while he was in there. They offered to let him out early coz of good behaviour, but he said no, preferring prison life to being out. Interesting that he was so well behaved inside said my friend... er, no actually.. he has a structured life and discipline inside. Perhaps if he had that outside he would be well behaved there too.

When he came out of prison last January he swore he would change, if only mummy would let him live with her. Course she let him... 'i'm his mum, what can I do?' she said. Within 2 weeks he was back on the cigarettes. Within a month he was drinking vodka a litre at a time. By Easter he was back on cannabis and heroin and anything else he could buy with the money he stole from his mother.

She finally threw him about, changed the locks and her phone number in June. He had to find somewhere to live and get a job... he has done. She no longer speaks to him. Its a shame, but I really think she would be dead now if she'd let him carry on.

Caz, I have HUGE respect for you, managing this situation, your job and your disability, including pain. I am also overjoyed that you reported the car, as that was incredibly hard for you to do, but absolutely right. As Custy said, he could kill someone. HOWEVER, please distinguish between your son's actions and your life and situation. HE CHOOSES to act in the way he does, for reasons which may come out soon. I agree with the DI: he may be involved with other individuals and situations (possibly drugs) that you don't know about. In my experience the most likely reason for the theft of the money is 1)drugs 2)blackmail 3) debt or 4) drugs+debt+blackmail. The other point I want to make is that there are parenting advice lines (other MNers, please help) which will support you as you deal with this. Yes, he is your son, and you love him. That doesn't give him a God-given right to screw up your life or anyone else's.

Caz, I have so much admiration for you. I really hope that this begins an improving life for you and your family.

IMO Life does not exist in black and white just vast expanses of grey! Sometimes it might be easier in black and white but mostly I like the confusion! I hope your boy comes back to you. X

Caz, I have been reading this with a mixture of horror at how your son is behaving, and admiration for you at getting the police involved.

It's an old cliche but "cruel to be kind" is sometimes the only way you can deal with extreme behaviour. And if it doesn't work (which I hope it does) then at least you know that you've tried your hardest. It'll probably take a considerable time as you've recognised for all this to be resolved but your son still has his life ahead of him and there is plenty of time for him still - it's better that you have now actually put the wheels in motion as it were.

When you can, and if you want to, please let us know how you're getting on.

HELP PLEASE... HES JUST TEXT ME SAYING HE WILL BE WITH GRANDAD SOON.... GOODBYE I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO...

Caz - are you still there ?

Do you have any idea where he is ?

In emergencies, I think the police can trace mobile phone signals to within a pretty small area - which might enable you to find him.

Have you called them ?

I hope everything's okay - and that this is a cry for help.