HELP! What do I do?

[Caz66]

I am a rational person or at least I thought I was. My DS is making my life a living hell and for that matter the lives of all of those around him. He is 19 and 'Living for the Weekend' which of course is relatively fine other than he is stealing from us to do this living. We are not talking small amounts either ?2,500, ?940 etc and we cant afford it!
I think this started when my dad died very suddenly when DS was 14. He lost his world. He was to work with Grandad in the family business and his career path was all mapped out so I guess he was very confused. He 'nursed' my very needy mother emotionally through her grief as I have the big shoulders and had to close the company and deal with all the financial stuff. Time passed.
By the time he was 16/17 he was spending a lot of time on the internet and despite having ambition to go to University and all sorts, started to spend 24 / 7 on the internet and disappearing at the weekend.
After some time we cut the internet access and the problems e.g swearing at me,lethargy, cooking at 3am leaving the cooker on, the bedroom becoming a no-go zone for fear of picking up some nasty disease etc etc worsened. I kept saying 'normal for a boy his age' but it became harder to convince myself each time something else happened.
He was given a car by DH and I paid ?1500 for driving lessons - he decided he didnt want to learn to drive and took the car on a drive without his licence. He was caught napping on the hard shoulder and only received a Caution. He later took the car again and wrote it off!
We had a quiet car period of about 8 months to-date and now with the money he has BOUGHT HIMSELF AN OLD BANGER!!! Still no Licence and parking round the corner so we cant see it ... but the Log Book was left on full view and with a bit of detective work, we find the car.
We also discover DRUGS, DRINK and various girls emerging from his room on different occasions - no permission is sought to doing anything because of course it is DS given right to do just about whatever he wants to!!!!
This is obviously not all that has happened and not in a true chronological order but it highlights some of the difficulties.
We did the 'talking'and praising when we saw improvement only to feel like we had been kicked in the teeth each time he let us down again.
The only other relevancies to my story are that I am a Disabled mum, who raised her son alone until I married 5 years ago. |I have trained as a Lawyer and run a successful Conveyancing Company.
My DH and DS get on (or got on) fine until my son became so verbally abusive to me and let my DH down for the hundredth time!
As I see it DS has a big chip on the shoulder that he does not know his real dad and that his 'substitute father figure' Grandad was ripped away from him so cruelly. I of course am to blame for everything and I should be punished.
I have discussed my dilemma with a number of people and read the many messages on mums.net under the heading Teenagers and all have helped.
I set the ultimatum down with DS on Sunday night when he rolled in after not being home since Thursday. I said that it was time he started making his own choices and taking responsibility for his life, as I saw it and that as I had discovered another ?2,400 out of my bank - despite (we thought) having locked all temptation in a safe which we had to purchase to prevent him touching our stuff!
The Ultimatum ws thus... he was to see a counsellor in the hope that he could exorcise the 'grandad - anger and hurt' and a guy who I know who is ex-police if he wanted to stay with us. I explained that he was a nats away from being in serious trouble with the Law and was lucky he hadnt been caught to date.
I gave him till Thursday (tomorrow) to think about it telling him that the choices were his and that if he wanted to be with his very important 'mates' then he could do so.
We were lulled into a false sense of well being yesterday when he said he had a hospital check up on Thursday in the afternoon and was staying at a mates for a couple of days but would be back Thursday.
I told him the time he needed to attend the counsellor and the time the ex-police guy was coming and DH dropped him off at a Pub where he was to meet his mate.
About 1-2 hours later I received a text saying plans had changed he was staying with another mate - I text back and thanked him for letting me know. All good signs hey.
Until 3.30 today when I received a call from my bank asking me if I had given a Cheque for ?940 to DS. I hadnt. So everything we had discussed meant nothing.
I am again devastated and just dont know whether to cancel the counsellor and the police guy tomorrow or what to do. I cant keep doing this .... he cant keep blaming me surely.
I am so sorry for the length of my posting. I guess I need you to have as much info as possible because it is all so awful and difficult to comment on with few facts .
All Opinions gladly welcome ... it is so so hard to deal with.... PLEASE HELP or at least tell me I am not totally crazy!!!!! Over to you guys!

Bump !!!!

Caz please let us know you're okay.

Caz, what happened?

Hey Guys,

It is true to say that other than dads dealth, this weekend has been the most difficult thing I have ever had to deal with

Thanks to a kind chap on one of the web sites my son frequents, i managed to chat to a few people who know my son and to many who dont. He put up with me for over 10 hours back and forth!

For the record my son did go to Creamfields (a big rave in Liverpool) as that was all that mattered in his affected head. Pretty much as expected, following tonnes of texts bombarded at him from friends and family alike, he text me demanding I collect him from J8 of the M1 (Some 1.5 hours away) We exchanged texts and he continued his attack threatening twice during this time to kill himself.

I contacted one of his friends who agreed to come with me to collect him and we drove to Hemel Hempsted. When we got there he refused to get in the car. I waited outside for 1 hour whilst the friend spoke to my son.

Eventually they got in the car. It seemed that the car (the one DS owns )had broken down in the roadworks on the way back from Creamfields. We left for home, my son totally out of it in the back of the car. He groaned that he had not eaten since Thursday so I stopped and got Fish and Chips on the way home.

When we got in he showered and was unconscious within 20 minutes. We (DH and myself) spoke to his friend until 11.45 and he said that my son had admitted to him he had a drugs problem and was already trying to consider where the next lot were coming from.

And that brings me to now... i stood looking at him for a while glad to have him back but at the same time sad for his future. I have put things into action this morning which will get him the help he so desparately needs.... its not been easy and as I type this message I await a kock at the door for the police to cart him away.

This truly is the most difficult thing I have ever endured... will the tears ever stop

I can only hope that someday soon the real Dan, the beautiful little boy I raised returns to me. I guess he may never return but at least I know we will have given it our best shot.

Thank you Guys, thank you for listening.

oh caz66

I have no real experience of this sort of thing, but just wanted to say that I think you have done the best you could in the circumstances. You seem (all of you) to be travelling down a long hard road, my hope is that at the end there will be an acceptable peace between you all.

oh caz I could cry for you I moan at my teenagers normal attitudy behavior but am thankful that I have never been faced with the heartache you are enduring right now. You are a strong woman and although you probably feel like shite right now you need to be proud of yourself that as his mother and the only person who will always love him and offer support and help unconditionall you have done the right thing. Sometimes we have to put ourselves and our feeling last and accept that to hand our children over to someone else is the best way forward for their lives and that is exactly what you have done. Be proud of the strength and love you have for your son you need enough for both of you right now. My good wishes go with you xx

Caz, am keeping in touch with you everytime I log on and was horrified to read your latest post.

Wishing you the best that today can possibly be considering what you will be feeling. Wrap yourself in support from those who love you and remember there are lots of us out here in cyber space thinking of you and wishing you good things.

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Have you asked him about the drugs Caz? Which drugs is he on? He is stealing enormous anounts of money so could be very seriously addicted to hard drugs and this really could be the root of all his behaviours etc

Well done for taking the firm line. It is the only way you can help him.

Caz
What an awful position you are in - and it could be any one of us.
I really hope that your son will benefit from everything you have put in place, and that he'll come thru' to appreciate what you have done for him.

caz66 i really feel for you. your situation is very difficult and i know how difficult it is to shop your own child to the police i have done it many times and it really hearts.i felt i had no option as my dd thought that she could just do what she liked with no consequences shefinally ended up in a secure unit.good luck and i hopeall works out well for you and your son

Caz, I am SO sorry that my guess was correct, but please believe you have done THE right thing for your son. He needs help to overcome his addiction, and to face up to the consequences of his actions. You couldn't have done anything else. Please let me know what the police do next, and I will try and help you make sense of it if you need to.

callmemadam isnt there anything anyone can do to stop these teenagers ruining ther lives and everyone around them. i was in court so many times last year that i may as well have lived there. my dd was finally secured for 12 months but that was after being in court at least 30 times. Then a judge reduced it by half on appeal without even talking to me and now i am at a loss i feel like im drowning and no is helping either of us

Runkid, how old is your DD? There are huge restrictions on us in the Youth Court which mean that a secure placement (a Detention & Training Order) is only used when either everything else has failed or the individual offence was extremely severe. There is mixed evidence as to whether a DTO helps youths or criminalises them further, especially when drugs are the problem. Sadly I think that fighting drugs in the community is still the real battle.

callmemadam my daughter is 14 and i agree that maybe secure is not the right place but i am scared for her i cannot keep her safe and it seems that no one else can. it all comes back to me to ring the police but i am so tired as you end up waiting half the night for them to come and they hardly ever find her. i am just one person who also has a son who misses out on alot because all my energy goes on my daughter

Runkid I feel so sorry for you . You are right that at least you know where she is ATM. What did she get the sentence for? Who appealed on her behalf and were you consulted? Are you getting any proper support through all this?

callmemadam,dd was sentenced for breach of her supervision order and burglary.She appealled because she was told she could and no i wasnt consulted.As for support no i dont really have any which is why i have been enspired to set up my own support website

Caz66 how are things with you at the moment

Runkid:- Could you mail me [email protected]
Thanks

Caz66 will do have you got msn

Message withdrawn

So sorry about your son Caz.Sounds like my brother who went "off the rails" at 15 and was stealing large amounts of money off my parents,coming in drunk and high etc etc.My parents bailed him out countless times.My mum used to have to carry any valuables around in a handbag(credit cards etc etc)He once stole the money out of my little brothers piggybank (5 at the time).I remember one time being home from University and him coming in and actually being physically aggressive to my mum.It was horrendous,and impacted upon the whole family.In the end my mum had enough and threw him out.That sounds harsh,but after five years of it she was on the verge of a breakdown.We lost touch with him for a few years,added heartbreak for my parents.Then one day he turned up.He had got a job,a partner and a gorgeous little boy,and had turned his life around.So just to say that some people can come through it and mature.I think you have done the right thing,even though it is breaking your heart to do it.If he knows you are not always going to be a safety net it might make him wake up and smell the coffee.You must try not to feel guilty,as you sound like a caring mum.He is technically an adult and therefore responsible for his actions in the eyes of the law.Blaming his grandads death is a convenient excuse.Many people have had horrific experiences but do not act in such a way to be so awful to their loving parents.I really sympathise as I saw what my parents and younger sib went through and wouldnt wish it on anyone.I hope your son comes to realise how irresponsible his actions are and how he is lucky to have a loving family.All good wishes to you.