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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

13 year old daughter with boyfriend

58 replies

bonkersblonde · 20/04/2014 22:45

Hi, first post, hoping for some sound advice and thanks in advance!
My 13 year old daughter in Year 8 has been seeing a 16 year old boy in yr11. I and my husband are deeply worried because of the age gap. He has messed her around, they've been on/off and when she said she wouldn't go out with him, he said he'd picked 3 fights at school that day because he was upset.
They are apparently "going out" although we've now said she isn't allowed out without adult supervision. I don't want to control her life, but he seems very unsuitable and I really worry that she's trying to grow up too fast. She's recently taken to wearing too much make up and straightening her hair daily and looks like a clone of loads of other girls instead of looking like herself.

Having seen some of the messages between them, they are declaring love for each other which is ridiculous. I really worry that she'll get herself into a situation she can't control.

Rambling a bit, apologies, but really concerned!

OP posts:
MoreCrackThanHarlem · 21/04/2014 22:12

I absolutely trust my daughter, littlebrasspig
She is honest, clever and reliable.

And I have been there...unsuitable boyfriends, recreational drug use, total loss of self due to all consuming teen romance...I did not go to university as I was too busy with all the above.

My mother was incredibly liberal in her attitude towards my boyfriend. He was allowed to sleep over most nights, and my relationships with friends suffered. I was not emotionally mature enough to manage a relationship. It consumed me.
And the sneaking around, constant messaging and declarations of love lead me to believe the OPs daughter lacks that emotional maturity too.

LittleBrassPig · 21/04/2014 22:22

Aye MoreCrack understood. We have more in common than I thought, sorry x

Awks · 21/04/2014 22:31

I'd kill him and her with kindness and invitations to your house and into your lives. The less she becomes forbidden, absolutely the better but supervised, obv

MoreCrackThanHarlem · 21/04/2014 22:31

I didn't mean to sound quite so Draconian.
I am constantly re assessing the situation. When I believe that my daughter is emotionally equipped to manage a relationship I'm sure I will be more liberal in my position.

Interesting how our own parent's mistakes influence us in opposite directions. Trying to find the middle ground is the key, I suspect xx

FiscalCliffRocksThisTown · 22/04/2014 07:31

I guess one's own past plays a role in how we view things.

My parents always trusted me and gave me freedom, and I was a very responsible (boring) teen. So I would be inclined to give kids a bit of freedom.

At the moment you are being like Romeo and Juliette's parents though.... It can work against you!

FiscalCliffRocksThisTown · 22/04/2014 07:35

But bear in mind a lot of teen boys are just kids, lots are quite immature and even, dare I say it, quite sweet...

jaysaway · 22/04/2014 09:40

not sure why a 16yr old is with a 13 yr old but it happens i remember when dd was that age that some of the girls had 16yr old boyfriends it seems quite glamorous to them but they are just young girls ANyway i would say well you can see him only at the weekends or here at the house or wherever, and hope it fizzles out IMO if you ban her from seeing him then it just makes it taboo, there is girls in dds year (they are 16) who have 20 /1/2 yr old boyfriends i would be more worried about that

Original poster
bonkersblonde · 22/04/2014 10:52

I think killing it with kindness is what we'll do, invite him here, say there is unlimited visiting (but only here when we're here) no going upstairs and see what happens. It's the promise of "cuddles"when she goes to his house (and THAT's not happening) that concerns me. I also think we'll ask him for his address and speak to his parents and see what they say; we have absolutely no idea what kind of background he's from, what his academic level is, parents' values etc. and the school he goes to is what's considered to be the dodgiest one out of the 3 in our area.

And we may find out that he's from a great background with caring, concerned parents. It's the not knowing that's bothering me. That and her absolute conviction that it's all fine.

OP posts:
jaysaway · 22/04/2014 11:34

he is probably a nice lad and maybe intimidated by girls his age ? I know it is a bit unusual but i think your way is the way forward and tbh it could all be over tomorrow, boyfriend territory is scary ime and does it really matter how academic he is

Original poster
bonkersblonde · 22/04/2014 13:53

I don't want her to think it's ok to not try if he's not academic, she's a bit lazy at the best of times and a 16year old who doesn't care about exams is not a good influence!

That's only a minor issue, the main thing is stopping her nicking devices ( old iPhones from a drawer in the bedroom today) to message him on........I think we've got every device accounted for now, but couldn't be sure......

OP posts:
TeenAndTween · 22/04/2014 14:47

just a side comment from me:
you can be academic and not try hard, or
you can be not academic and still try hard

one is in-built brains and one is effort!

(ps I would not be happy with a 3 year age gap either)

jaysaway · 22/04/2014 15:16

she won't if she is focused it won't matter if he is academic or not even and as i said it could finish tomorrow , I second what teenandTween said i have a very Brainy dd who just couldnt be arsed

jaysaway · 22/04/2014 15:18

oh she is rebelling kill the lad with kindness as you said she will not like it if you like him you might like him though no point in fighting her on this just set boundries

DurhamDurham · 22/04/2014 15:46

When my oldest dd was 13 she had a boyfriend who was 16. We tried all ways, we were nice to him, had him at our house for dinner, met his parents at a bbq etc. Once it became apparent he was a controlling horrible person we tried to minimise contact, this was difficult as they were at the same school. Teachers became concerned and we banned any contact at all, leaving work early to pick her up from school. Life was grim for a while, we once got a 35 page mobile phone statement, she was texting form 6 in the morning to midnight. She must have been exhausted.
Nothing seemed to make a difference, she seemed to like/love him no matter what he said or did. Then one day she went missing after school,she didn't come home until after 10pm which was completely out of character. We phoned her boyfriend who admitted he had been with her but wouldn't tell us where she was. We phoned the Police who threatened to arrest him as he was the last person to have seen her. She was at a frined's house not daring to come home as she knew she would be in trouble for meeting him after school.
From that day on she never spoke to him again, she finally saw the light and realised he was not worth the upset and arguments. She changed back over night to the lovely girl she had been. She is almost 21 now and has been no trouble at all.
Not sure if any of this has been helpful to you, I'm not suggesting things will be like this for your daughter, I hope they are not. Looking back my daughter was so young, unable to deal with her emotions or feelings and I think that her older boyfriend took advantage of that. He always went for younger girls, he never went out with girls his own age.

My daughter has had some lovely boyfriends since then and she won't put up with rubbish from anyone.

Good luck to you, I hope it all gets sorted out for you soon. It can be a very stressful time.

MoreCrackThanHarlem · 22/04/2014 16:45

I would seriously not be inviting a 16yo boyfriend round for dinner. I am at a loss as to how some people think this is ok. Shock
She has made it clear that you can't trust her and I would be removing all means of contact until the situation changes.
Good God, he is 16!

MoreCrackThanHarlem · 22/04/2014 16:47

To add...you are not happy with 'cuddles'.
Of course a 16yo will be expecting some physical contact. This is not Primary School. Your daughter requires protection.

Original poster
bonkersblonde · 22/04/2014 18:53

MoreCrackThanHarlem, I don't want to control her completely, I need to keep lines of communication open. I'm just hoping that by keeping them away from each other he'll lose interest. I don't WANT to invite him round, but I can't make a balanced judgement until I meet him. It's not ok, just making the best of a crap situation. And I want her to make her own decisions based on a sensible attitude, I (and my husband) are trying to be good parents!

I am protecting her by keeping her a prisoner in her own home at the moment, which is far from ideal. She loves her independence (and I think it valuable for her to have some) but I know I can't trust her. She thinks everything is fine, he's not "like that" and not all boys are "rapists" (which is not what I think, but she chooses to think I'm being overprotective). It's a very difficult situation and one I wish I was not in. However, kids are their own selves, which is what makes it all so horrendous fascinating......

OP posts:
Original poster
bonkersblonde · 22/04/2014 18:56

And thanks for your story, Durhamadurham. Must have been awful at the time. I'm hoping we can get though it without too much angst on any side.

OP posts:
specialsubject · 23/04/2014 18:20

I see him as a loser not because of his age but because he has messed her about and use emotional blackmail.

tell her to have some standards and self-respect.

Original poster
bonkersblonde · 23/04/2014 21:35

Today's update.....

After a long talk (which did degenerate into some frustrated shouting on our part) we thought we'd got through to her. That is, until I saw his mobile phone number on the coffee table where she'd left it after trying to phone him. Luckily, I'd activated call barring yesterday.

She's still blindly saying he'd never hurt her, it's all fine, we're over protective. We're planning on contacting his parents next, any thoughts people?

OP posts:
Brakeover · 23/04/2014 22:08

When I was 14 I had a boyfriend four years older one of my eldest brothers friends. I was a very sensible teen and very well behaved... We mainly went for walks including one romantic New Year's Eve walk in the snow as I was too young for pubs etc. he was really good looking and I really liked him!! It fizzled out though I do remember visiting him for the day where he was at college in Lancaster.... Again innocent and just a sweet first relationship. I was very pretty , he was extremely good looking and very sweet ....looking back it seems odd we were together but it worked at the time . Just jhappens sometimes. My brother was not impressed at all.

Not offering advice , I know times have changed but it also depends a lot on the individuals .

cjelh · 23/04/2014 22:15

I think you can't have this level of control over your daughter and expect to have an honest open relationship with her. You can't really think you will ban him and she won't contact him?

you are overprotective shes right,If you really think you have to then contact his parents but she will always find a way of contacting him and seeing him and then won't feel able to tell you if she is in danger.
He is not the enemy, just a silly 16yr old. You only know the few things she has told you, get to know him and let her see you welcome him, she won't have to sneak around and lie.perhaps he could do with your guidance too?
I'm afraid she is starting to want to be who she wants and not who you want her to be. you don't even like what she looks like any more. Give her a break and allow her to grow into the person she wants to. You can help and guide her now but banning really won't help.

Original poster
bonkersblonde · 24/04/2014 20:23

cjelh, I know what you mean, and looking at it objectively,I really see your point. Trouble is, she's my child and hanging around a park with boys older than her and this 16yo wanting her to go to his house for "cuddles" in the middle of the day when I suspect his parents are at work doesn't seem a very good idea. She doesn't know where he lives, what his parents do or anything about him other than his name, age and where he goes to school.
What would you do if it was your child? And although she looks older than she is, she is still a child.

OP posts:
RachaelAgnes · 24/04/2014 20:29

My mother made sure that my boyfriends only saw me at my house at that age, she then proceeded to smother them with love, telling me how fantastic they were - they lasted a fortnight tops just because of her approval!
My daughter is now 17. At 14 she managed to pick up some dross. I took a deep breath and channelled my mum! About three months in when she found out he took drugs she dumped him, and had the confidence to tell me too.

cjelh · 24/04/2014 22:01

I'd try to encourage her to find out all those things about him that she doesn't know. I'd ask if she really wants to go for 'cuddles' at lunchtime and say you'd be happy for her to bring him back here if she'd rather, I'd ask her to remember that she doesn't have to do anything that he'd like to do if it makes her feel un comfortable and remind her that if he really cared for her it would be nice if he respected her as well.I'd hope that I could make her feel confident enough in who she is that she doesn't feel the need to be doing things she didn't want.

I don't think his parents careers have anything to do with who he is.
I think they have more to do with the image you will then have of him as suitable for your dd.
I also think you are naive in thinking that she is innocent and somehow this person has just dragged her into a park and is now abusing her.Your daughter is not the person that you think she is or want her to be.