13 year old daughter with boyfriend

[bonkersblonde]

Hi, first post, hoping for some sound advice and thanks in advance!
My 13 year old daughter in Year 8 has been seeing a 16 year old boy in yr11. I and my husband are deeply worried because of the age gap. He has messed her around, they've been on/off and when she said she wouldn't go out with him, he said he'd picked 3 fights at school that day because he was upset.
They are apparently "going out" although we've now said she isn't allowed out without adult supervision. I don't want to control her life, but he seems very unsuitable and I really worry that she's trying to grow up too fast. She's recently taken to wearing too much make up and straightening her hair daily and looks like a clone of loads of other girls instead of looking like herself.

Having seen some of the messages between them, they are declaring love for each other which is ridiculous. I really worry that she'll get herself into a situation she can't control.

Rambling a bit, apologies, but really concerned!

[bonkersblonde]

I think that parents have a lot to do with who we are, otherwise what's the point in bringing them up and guiding them?

I hope I'd be a little less blunt and a bit more constructive, but we all have our opinions I suppose.

[cjelh]

Bonkers, that post was in direct response to being asked I thought as I'd been asked I could be brutal!!!
I have worked with teenagers on the street and am a mentor. I have a 31 yr old dd(and 29yr old ds) who both had children young. - dd was 17. It is very hard and I'm not saying its easy but I now have a better understanding of which battles to fight!!!
My dgd is 14,( I now have 5) she spent Tuesday with me, wants to come over after school today and all day tomorrow as we are doing a hobby we share.

I think it is our fears that make us come down so hard on our children and I think that we should treat them as we treat other peoples children. I know we have to guide and educate them but once they are doing these things just saying no isn't always helpful.
Take a step back and try and become more of a friend and mentor. Taking all devices from her isn't working, banning her isn't working so maybe its time to try something else.
My dds 3 years from 16 to 19 were hell for me and H - Once she left home at 6pm( for a week) with tiny baby and stuff under pram because we had dared to ask again that she picked up soiled nappies from bedroom floor!!! I am not perfect and made a lot of mistakes but my advice is to keep talking and not be so dictatorialxxxx

[bonkersblonde]

I think it's just so difficult to separate the child from the teen. I'm really struggling with it, and yet I didn't feel the same with my oldest. But she was much more sensible in her choice of friends.
O/h can be a bit Victorian too, difficult to tread an acceptable line to all!

[MoreCrackThanHarlem]

Just caught up with this thread.
I do understand your desire to maintain a good relationship with your daughter by reducing control and giving her more responsibility to make her own mistakes and decisions.

I think that she has demonstrated her lack of emotional maturity and until that grows, you need to be the person in charge.
Advising any parent of a 13yo girl, particularly one who is in an inappropriate relationship, to be more of a 'friend' than a parent is extremely dangerous. You are her Mother. Take back control.

[cjelh]

Its not dangerous,unless you think friends don't guide each other and respect each others rules? the alternative is to be a bully and an enemy> taking 'control' as you say is pushing her to be deceitful and clearly not working in this case. Keep talking keep talking keep talking.

[bonkersblonde]

Just thought I'd update anyone who replied (and thanks, very much appreciated).
Said boyfriend has been very much on the scene, lots of meetings (in the local park with other friends) meeting her from the bus after school and walking her home. He's been here in a gang of others and seemed quite inoffensive, especially as she's a bit taller than him.....we still didn't approve, but thought the advice as to something forbidden is more attractive very wise.

Apparently he's now going out with someone else (also 13) and my daughter now thinks he's an idiot who never cared for her at all. We agree. We're hoping that she will leave boyfriends alone for a while and enjoy hanging out with her old primary school friends who she rediscovered this week during half term. Going to the park with bikes and skateboards and going swimming in a big gang seems far more age appropriate to us!

We just now need to tackle the ridiculous amounts of make up she plasters herself with, when will they learn that less is more?! Lots of pictures to show her in a few years might be the key to that one.....

[43percentburnt]

Makeup tip, take her to boots/department store counter to have a makeover. Yes it will cost more than the cheap makeup teenagers tend to buy but I felt it was money well spent and they show you how to put it on. The majority of the beauticians understand that you are trying for a light natural look without you having to say anything!

[bonkersblonde]

Good tip, I'll,try that. Another friend of mine also recommended a mother-daughter makeover at a Bobby Brown's counter. That might be even more expensive though....!