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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Are all 15 year olds taking booze to parties?

111 replies

Kbear · 11/04/2014 18:14

apparently my DD is the only one whose parents don't buy her alcohol to take to parties...

I am remembering being 15 and drinking cider and hiding my drunk friends from my parents

I am remembering DH being the same and worse - so we have no room to talk about underage drinking but of course we don't want our DD doing it! haha

I'm not in AIBU but you're all going to tell me I am, right?....

advise please and sympathetic hugs about parenting teenagers :) and boundaries and letting go and other difficult stuff!

OP posts:

minniem · 12/04/2014 23:47

mrsruff What's your thoughts on allowing/buying alcohol for the under 18s?

MrsRuffdiamond · 13/04/2014 11:41

Laurie, these are some of my thoughts:

It is not against the law for under 18s to consume alcohol. I therefore think that I am likely to be on dodgy ground if I try to enforce a code of conduct upon my 16-17 yr olds which the law of the land does not support, and which I myself do not adhere to.

I personally don't think it is a viable option for me to prevent my teenagers going to parties at which alcohol is likely to be available (all of them, as far as I can make out!) without segregating them from their peer group.

I think a blanket ban on attending such events is likely to lead to a breakdown in the relationship I have with them, which facilitates the calm and open discussion of things such as alcohol consumption, drugs (obviously illegal anyway - I'm on stronger ground there) and sex (also not illegal for under 18s), and in which I can state my point of view, which I hope will be taken on board, along with my expectation of sensible behaviour. That is my aim.

I would rather that, than imposing my will and having them sneak out to parties behind my back and lie about what they have been doing, which was the experience of one family I know, whose strict house rules prompted not cooperation, but duplicity. Growing up is a gradual process, and limited exposure to some of life’s dangers is essential in helping teenagers know how to deal with them.

I know that my DC wouldn't do it because I know where they are at all times

This is quite unusual, in my experience, if you are talking about teenagers 15+, hence my enquiry as to the ages of your dc.

NigellasDealer · 13/04/2014 11:49

Parents are not buying them alcohol unless you live in a scabby area
well that is odd because the only parents that i know of who have been warned against supplying their child and his peers with alcohol live in the biggest house in town and are lawyers or similar.
nothing like a bit of class stereotyping on a sunday morning eh?

NigellasDealer · 13/04/2014 11:51

I know that my DC wouldn't do it because I know where they are at all times
good luck with that

MamaPain · 13/04/2014 19:25

I think it depends more on social circle than area. It's plausible your DD might be the only one in her social group who isn't being bought alcohol to take or taking alcohol at all.

Yesterday I went to an even in a park near us, there were 15 year olds there doing Guides and Scouts, really geeky, but very sweet and polite kids, they unfortunately aren't the sort of people my DC hang around with. I wouldn't expect them to be drinking and going to house parties.

When I look at my DC and their friends I have to be honest with myself, they aren't off for a night of wholesome fun with their mates, they're off for a night of taking selfies, koppabergs and fingering. I read Twitter, Facebook and Instagram, and I'm aware of the reality.

I will openly admit I've given my teen a pack of beer (4 cans) or similar to take with them. It isn't illegal depending on where they will be drinking it. I think 15 has been the earliest I've done this, so probably Y10 or Y11, as thats when most of the parties start anyway. I haven't had my own DC brought home sick, have had other peoples and I've been called to a party where there was a very drunk girl and no parents. Clearly there have been times where someone has managed to get their hands on some spirits, but even then its being shared amongst so many of them, it doesn't measure out as much at all. I'm really not too worried about it.

I'm just relieved my DC aren't able to go into the local shop and buy a litre of vodka to neck between them and one mate as I used to do.

It's the easy availability of ketamine and MDMA which causes me far more concern than a bit of moderate drinking once a fortnight.

MrsRuffdiamond · 13/04/2014 20:35

there were 15 year olds there doing Guides and Scouts, really geeky, but very sweet and polite kids............I wouldn't expect them to be drinking and going to house parties.

I think you might be surprised, Mama!

SirChenjin · 13/04/2014 22:36

All DS1's crowd (inc. him) have been right through the Scouting movement - currently in Explorers, which is how they spend they Friday evenings, thankfully. However, even they go to occasional parties/gatherings in each others houses, complete with (a limited) amount of alcohol. Sorry Mama

LaurieFairyCake · 13/04/2014 22:45

I've been looking after foster children for more than ten years. I know where they are at all times because it's my job to know where they are. It's also my job to provide them with a range of 'wholesome ' (couldn't think of a better word activities).

SS would be firing me if I didn't know where there were or were allowing them to drink, or worse providing them with drink.

LaurieFairyCake · 13/04/2014 22:48

I'm surprised at some of you thinking gatherings or house parties are common, don't know any that happen round here - children are too busy mostly doing structured activities - scouts, explorers, dance groups, cadets, climbing a massive thing, skiing is a big thing - a whole load of dd's mates go skiing on a Friday night

SirChenjin · 13/04/2014 22:51

Are you generally easily surprised Laurie?

Round here the kids do structured activities and occasionally let their hair down at a gathering or house party. You know - much the same as we do.

LaurieFairyCake · 13/04/2014 23:00

I'm not easily surprised, I'm surprised at people thinking house parties are common. There have been none yet in current dd's year 11 group.

MrsRuffdiamond · 13/04/2014 23:06

skiing is a big thing Are you in Austria, Laurie?

I can completely see why you might not be able to be laid back about foster children in your care, but how is it practical for you to keep tabs to such an extent on older teenagers?

MamaPain · 13/04/2014 23:06

No need to apologise to me Sir its nice to hear they aren't socially outcast in the way I had presumed. My DC aren't exactly showering themselves in glory, some of the things I read on FB/Twitter/Insta etc send me into crisis. I keep reminding myself that I did far, far worse but its all very testing. I think having a DC who has made it to adulthood helps me nowadays.

I was verbally bitchslapped by my DC for suggesting that maybe they would enjoy Guides/Scouts. Its good to hear that those kids are having a fun time too. In the nicest possible way I had felt a bit sorry for them.

Laurie you cannot genuinely believe that you live in an area where these things don't happen?! Surely its just your kids aren't invited/don't tell you about it or it happens in completely different social groups to the ones your DC are mixing in. Where do you live so I can move there when it all becomes too much maybe we can work out if its actually true?

SirChenjin · 13/04/2014 23:08

That doesn't mean they are uncommon.

You may also find that they have been happening, but at that age they tend to socialise in smallish groups and don't really have much to do with other 'sets' (unless your DCs have a very small year group), so it's perfectly possible that there have been gatherings, they just haven't been advertised widely for fear of gatecrashers etc.

Gatherings in houses where the parents are present but out of sight are great things imo - as long as there's a good mix of academic stuff, structured activities and the odd party then I'm happy.

SirChenjin · 13/04/2014 23:09

No Mama - not socially outcast, lol

MamaPain · 13/04/2014 23:10

Can I just say by the way it is actually quite easy to keep tabs on teen DC now. Most are permanently attached to their phones and so I happily buy them an iPhone with the caveat that it must have Find My iPhone on it, and that must always be enabled (excluding tube and other barriers).

My DC have been trained from early about keeping in contact and I'm not really in the habit or banning them from anywhere so I find it very easy to trust FMI.

RhondaJean · 13/04/2014 23:12

My 14 yo is so anti drinking it's unreal. I know that could change but I don't think it will. At her school - in a very nice area with vairy naice children - 13 is the age they seem to start round here. Girls in her year st school have been arrested for hitting s policeman when drunk, a few weekends ago one broke a toilet at the airpo trying to hide vodka when they searched her there was cocaine in her bag.

How the fuck do you afford cocaine at 14.

Dd told me this as she was appalled. I am not pulling the wool over my own eyes, but no not all teenagers drunk.

Dd2 is o ly 9 however I am bracing myself for her teenage years.

MamaPain · 13/04/2014 23:13

Christ sorry Sir, I have just read that back. I did not intend to sound like such a Mean Girl.

Glad to hear they're having fun and am slightly jealous of how it all sounds just the right amount of mischief.

LOVING the subtle bolding on this thread.

RhondaJean · 13/04/2014 23:14

I however do drink ^^ apologies for uncorrected iPad.

SirChenjin · 13/04/2014 23:16

I think it also depends on the child. DD is almost 15 and much more of a homebird than DS1, who is far more extrovert and outgoing.

MamaPain · 13/04/2014 23:18

Rhonda, it's really not that expensive now. If you're buying from certain people in certain places I think it can still be expensive, and a habit is obviously costly, but your average coke dealer is cutting it with so much that you can get it very cheaply. Failing that, sexual favours often help. Horrible but true.

SirChenjin · 13/04/2014 23:19

No problem at all - it just made me laugh, DS1 and his friends are definitely not social outcasts, quite the opposite in fact . They just love the outdoors, hiking and camping and drinking a bottle of beer round the campfire

RhondaJean · 13/04/2014 23:20

Shit mama don't want to think about that. Im stuck in the £50 a gram days. And happy there.

MamaPain · 13/04/2014 23:29

Glad you aren't offended, I definitely have foot in mouth syndrome. I think my views of it all are probably a bit clouded by not knowing anyone who did those activities when I was younger and my DC being horrified at the suggestion. My DC are like their darling mama and get very anxious the further they go from 24 hours shops and zone 1. I have tried to remedy this by sending them to stay on a smallholding each year but the pull of WiFi and smog is strong.

Yes Rhonda its definitely changed. As I said up the thread, I think MDMA and Ket are much bigger problems amongst teens now than coke ever has been.

RhondaJean · 13/04/2014 23:34

Ket is scary shit. DH sat with a female friend one day as she came off and she told him how she WAS the twin towers.

Tbh, I think al, you can do is teach risk management and also be there. Show disapproval in general but acceptance of your children?

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