Really can't cope with 13 year old, want him to live elsewhere

[SilverMoonPickup]

I know that sounds awful but I've had 13 years of it. Right from nursery he's been constantly in and out of trouble, often the target of other parent's complaints.

He just doesn't seem to see consequence for anything, cares about nobody but himself. From petty stuff like that the fact that we can't buy biscuits as he eats the entire packet before anyone else has chance to have any. I have to hide multipack crisps in the boot of my car or a pack of 24 will be gone within days (well, all the flavours he likes). We can't buy "nice" drinks as nobody else gets chance to have any. My eldest son is constantly complaining that the entire family suffers because of one person being greedy and selfish.

He won't go to sleep on a night. As soon as we all go to bed he's up, creeping around the house, raiding cupboards, on the internet, messing with stuff. We've tried turning off the wifi so he has nothing to do but he just sneaks down and turns it back on in the middle of the night. We even set the burglar alarm so he can't sneak around the house and he even manages to avoid that going off.

He breaks EVERYTHING. He's managed to break 3 xbox's. He's now on his 3rd and that too has been broken but somehow still works (just). I bought him a £50 HTC phone as his first phone as I knew he would probably lose it so didn't get him an expensive one. He lost it a few months later in New York. This christmas I bought him a second hand iphone 4 - he'd lost it by february.

He won't save up his pocket money and then kicks off that we won't "lend" him money to buy games. He steals money from me and his brother. He's been banned from a local tesco for being part of a group that was going in stealing energy drinks and sweets and he continuously plays up about going to school either playing truant when I've gone to work or pretending that he's lost his bus pass so that I give him money (which he then spends on sweets).

He's rude, cheeky, swears, called my partner a paedophile - infact he's almost ruined my relationship as he makes the house a horrible place to be and my partner can't cope with it (and I know I wouldn't live with it if he wasn't my kid).

This morning - my one chance of a lie in he starts again, kicking off, saying he hates me etc etc. The truth is, I don't even want to live with him anymore, I've had enough of him. Trouble is, his dad probably won't want him living there either

An ed psych diagnosed dyslexia in my child, and it has been readily accepted by every professional since.

I think there's a lot of difference between dyslexia and ASD woowoo.

ASD has a myriad of symptoms and must be assessed by multidisciplinary professionals. For young children certainly there will be development paediatrician, SALT, psychology and occupational therapy input.

Yes dyslexia is a specific learning difficulty. Something like ASD is a very complex condition and presents very differently in different children.

You must be exhausted
I wd say it is imperative to get diagnosis so that any behevoural modification techniques work with his understanding g and thus support rather than potentially go AgInst
I would remove the food from the house - he sounds addicted to high sugar and fats . Make sure that other son has choices a d that he is bei g supported
I would gather your energy and tell yourself that you will stick to changes and plan respite for yourself .when you have diagnosis if you get one it may be that you can have a time for me carers grant which is up to 500 to give carers break .
I feel so sorry for yr situation and the next bit is likely to be hard but it is so needed.
Diagnosis , multi disciplinary help including hopefully techniques and councelli g diet parenting g strategies . It sounds to me that although this is linked to a boundary problem there is a special need here and if so once you know about this relevant strategies can be applied. All the very best .

Not necessarily, Mrs De Vere. My DS has never seen an ed psych, nor has he had the need to see one.

I think it is a shame that the ed psych didn't tell Silver that she should go elsewhere really. One session of taking a case history and they should have known that they weren't the appropriate professional in this case.

I am not at all qualified to judge whether your son might have an underlying condition like ASD, but I can tell you that my own DS behaved just like this. I have a friend whose son is AS, and it did occur to me, as we were going through similar experiences, that some NT teenagers behave in extreme ways that look very similar indeed to ASD.

In my DS's case, there were a few factors that might also be at play for your son. Firstly, he was angry and sad about the absence of his father, and couldn't express this, so 'acted out'. Secondly, he was reacting to the fact that I was very stressed out and unhappy - and it sounds from your other thread that you are too. Thirdly, school did not suit him, and he was constantly frustrated by having to sit still and listen, which he found very hard, and angry about getting into trouble all the time for things he felt he couldn't control. (Poignantly, he once said to me "I feel like I'm in trouble all the time just for being me"). He brought a lot of this frustration home and 'dumped' it on me as his nearest and dearest. Fourthly, he didn't have a good role model for how adults treat each other in respectful relationships, so he didn't know how to behave - and I'm afraid in your family, it seems like he's actually being taught very disrespectful ways of relating.

In my DS's case, 13 was also the age he started smoking cannabis, which made him even more impulsive and less able to control himself.

Do you recognise any of that, silver?

The trouble with the punitive approaches that other people recommend are that they start from the assumption that he is being 'bad' and that he could control his behaviour if only he chose to. But if these underlying factors are at play, he needs help with them as well. He needs clear boundaries, but these won't work alone. He also needs a happy home environment and something to do that he loves or finds rewarding.

My DS settled down and grew up, and at almost 19, I (mostly!) like him again. :) But notice how long it took. You need to act urgently because if you leave it until he is bigger than you, you will have a whole new set of problems.

Good luck!

Yes, I get that, that is why I said not necessarily.

They might have a role, they might not. Just trying to be clear that seeing an ed psych is not enough and given that the OP's DS's behaviour is far greater than a school problem. TBH their role is diagnosis is limited. Their main role is provide ways of dealing with school after a problem has been identified, with or without a diagnosis and then getting a statement if needs be.

i have seen enough SN threads with ed psychs giving duff information about what they think a diagnosis might (like in this case) to be very dubious about their role in diagnosing.

Just as well they don't diagnose round here - they are as rare as hens teeth and those who do get see them don't get much help.

In reply to silvermoon pickup, can't cope with 13 year old. My son of the same age has always been hard work! but also had many lovely qualities.I pride myself on the fact that i have raised 2 lovely kids who know right from wrong and are caring and respectful.My son isnt mature for his age and he comes home from school each day and has only just started having a social life, ie cinema and park.For the last 6 months i have had so many struggles with him, all of them mirror yours with your son.I am the strictest parent ever and can't understand what has happened to him.He is selfish and cheeky , rude and annoying.He thinks he is some sort of Gangster and that crime and murder is COOL! . He is lazy and he won't pick up a book and do any school work.My daughter was 16 last week and i gave her some money to spend on her self, today she discovered that 20 pounds was missing.I knew immediately that it was my 13 year old who took it.He denied it until i put his play station in the bin and he then very calmly with a straight face admitted he took it and spent it on fizzy pop for him and his mates.He explained that he didn't think and didn't care!! i am devestated, i didn't teach him this, i am beyond hurt.I have left play station in bin and i have put all of his possessions in a charity bag.I am saddened by the fact that the child i made can do something as mean and selfish.I will remind him for a long time how bad this is and he will have no treats or toys or games, no social life and no phone.I don't know of any other way of dealing with him and i sympathise enormously with you.

There must be something underlying this - whether some developmental condition or emotional problem. I'd guess you are parenting him badly because of this - clearly your other son has responded to whatever you've done - so this child needs a different approach. The psychologist presumably can't see past your apparently poor parenting - you need another assessment from someone less blinkered. You really need some robust help as he deserves better, as do you.

I know this is an old post but my son sounds exactly the same to this, down to every last detail. I'm wonder how you have got on and if there is any light at the end of the tunnel?

Another one who thinks there must be something underlying all this. He does not sound like the archetypal spoilt child.
Rohan if ypur son sounds the same then start with a trip (just you) to the GP. Your child needs an appointment with a developmental pediatrician to start the process of working out whats going on.

You ever stopped to think there's a real problem with him my friends son is the exact same and he's being tested to see what's wrong with him the worst part is he has no empathy which is a really bad thing to have u can't compare 1 child with another and they way you have just wrote about him is wrong it's as if he should go live somewhere else so u can buy biscuits and crisps and save ure relationship u are letting him away with murder u take his stuff so he comes in and annoys the life out u cause he knows u will give in if hes in every time so what are u achieving and hiding food ure not students sharing a kitchen buy him his own bag and tell him that's it and he breaks the Xbox he is going to have to cut the grass for the month before u will even consider it go to doctor to help him sleep my son does this he sneaks and gets his tablet but I just let him do it now he falls asleep it's either that or medication to sleep and my son only eats like 5 types of food but my child has autism

Also high school has a big part to play in it it's wild there they are sending naked pics to each other at 13 then comps to see who gets oral first then sex all by ure 14 so there is more pressure to come when this starts happening and they steal the money so they can buy vape cigarette that's the in thing